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My weight is down a pound over night. I did not expect that. I ate a lot and I feel swollen. Plus, I feel like I have to pee but nothing is coming out!
I have GOT to get my shit together. I have GOT to get rid of this ED. I can't keep messing with my heart! I had decided yesterday that I wasn't going to weigh myself. But.. I get up and BAM. And it's not like I'm winning anything regardless of whats on the scale. If I am up, I want to restrict. If I am down, it motivates me to restrict. So, either way I'm beating myself up.
I'm realizing it's just as hard to let go as it is to hold on. There isn't a pay off here! No one compliments me on my looks anymore. I don't think that I'm emaciated or anything, but they can definitely tell the weight loss has went too far. The idea of letting go of this thing, of MAYBE gaining some weight, of feeling out of control, of hating my body, that all seems so hard! But then I look at what holding onto this is doing. I still hate my body. It's destroying my health, its ripping my husbands heart out of his chest, and slowly robbing the children of their mother. There isn't a reward in this. this is what gives me comfort, says my sick little mind. But how comfortable am I? Not at all. I'm tired of being this way. I have so much to live for, and so much I want to do with my life!
I cried last night. I told me husband I go back and forth between being mad at myself. All I wanted was to lose weight to be healthier. I was clinically obese. It needed to happen. And instead I feel like I'm literally in deaths hands. I'm tired. I should hate the scale, hate to see it. But instead I gravitate towards it. But is this my fault? Because I surely don't want to be this way! It's as simple as eating, so why isn't it simple? I used to love food, make love to food with my mouth! Now I loathe it and feel like I'm literally eating poison, with every bite I feel guilty. WTF?
I did better when I was counting macros and focusing on health. I think that I need to go back to doing that.
kids are home from school today. I'm in a bad mood with all this shit on my shoulders. I wish it weren't that way. I told them they needed to give me a few minutes to wake up in peace. So, they are playing quietly upstairs.
The doctor is supposed to call today to hopefully give results of the holter monitor, and also to answer my questions about my symptoms lining up with my diagnosis, but not being related. I'll update that when I can.
leaving you with this song. It's by Lifehouse. I really like them.
I have GOT to get my shit together. I have GOT to get rid of this ED. I can't keep messing with my heart! I had decided yesterday that I wasn't going to weigh myself. But.. I get up and BAM. And it's not like I'm winning anything regardless of whats on the scale. If I am up, I want to restrict. If I am down, it motivates me to restrict. So, either way I'm beating myself up.
I'm realizing it's just as hard to let go as it is to hold on. There isn't a pay off here! No one compliments me on my looks anymore. I don't think that I'm emaciated or anything, but they can definitely tell the weight loss has went too far. The idea of letting go of this thing, of MAYBE gaining some weight, of feeling out of control, of hating my body, that all seems so hard! But then I look at what holding onto this is doing. I still hate my body. It's destroying my health, its ripping my husbands heart out of his chest, and slowly robbing the children of their mother. There isn't a reward in this. this is what gives me comfort, says my sick little mind. But how comfortable am I? Not at all. I'm tired of being this way. I have so much to live for, and so much I want to do with my life!
I cried last night. I told me husband I go back and forth between being mad at myself. All I wanted was to lose weight to be healthier. I was clinically obese. It needed to happen. And instead I feel like I'm literally in deaths hands. I'm tired. I should hate the scale, hate to see it. But instead I gravitate towards it. But is this my fault? Because I surely don't want to be this way! It's as simple as eating, so why isn't it simple? I used to love food, make love to food with my mouth! Now I loathe it and feel like I'm literally eating poison, with every bite I feel guilty. WTF?
I did better when I was counting macros and focusing on health. I think that I need to go back to doing that.
kids are home from school today. I'm in a bad mood with all this shit on my shoulders. I wish it weren't that way. I told them they needed to give me a few minutes to wake up in peace. So, they are playing quietly upstairs.
The doctor is supposed to call today to hopefully give results of the holter monitor, and also to answer my questions about my symptoms lining up with my diagnosis, but not being related. I'll update that when I can.
leaving you with this song. It's by Lifehouse. I really like them.
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