(no subject)
Sitting at uni waiting for a seminar to start. Writing a script for a shortfilm at the moment but got some feedback from the theatre script I wrote last term. I dig my teacher for this:
"A very promising piece. both the subject matter and the form are very contemporary. There is a haunting atmosphere to the piece, not just because of your use of a ghost but also because you do manage to convey the lack of communication that is happening. They play feels like it gets a little too oblique during the final third, and perhaps you need to find a more direct way of communicating your very sophisticated ideas to an audience. But the play is very intriguing and a good start - it feels both very modern but also has resonances of older drama, specifically Stindberg. The attempt to show people speaking in something other than their native tongue is valiant if a bit awkward at times."
I'll give you a poem as a treat.
sail on.
White linen in March
Red wine stains on a dress
Phone calls in the early morning
A low sun pierces her eyes
Dust like snow on
Her face, shoulders, hands
Palms turned towards a steel white sky
Walk with me
Carry me. My feet are sore.
Down to the water
He lifts her up and feels the warmth
Fingers on naked cold skin
Goosebumps like an organic Braille system
Her knees bleeding
Staining the dress
Blood and wine mixed together
This is my body and this is my dress
Even deeper red
His lips wet as he tries to kiss
The pain away
Down at the riverbank
The linen explodes
Across the fields
In the houses
Small blue flowers
Covering
Washing
Everyone’s feet
He sings for her
Deep
Underneath his breath
It sounds familiar.
A melody
That’s existed since the dawn of time
But just for her.
The dress is a sail in the water
There are many questions but
Just a few answers
Can you pray for me dear?
Can I have your deck of cards?
As the water turns red
The queen of hearts floats
Towards me
Downstream
It looks like she smiles
But it could be
Her tears for the river
"A very promising piece. both the subject matter and the form are very contemporary. There is a haunting atmosphere to the piece, not just because of your use of a ghost but also because you do manage to convey the lack of communication that is happening. They play feels like it gets a little too oblique during the final third, and perhaps you need to find a more direct way of communicating your very sophisticated ideas to an audience. But the play is very intriguing and a good start - it feels both very modern but also has resonances of older drama, specifically Stindberg. The attempt to show people speaking in something other than their native tongue is valiant if a bit awkward at times."
I'll give you a poem as a treat.
sail on.
White linen in March
Red wine stains on a dress
Phone calls in the early morning
A low sun pierces her eyes
Dust like snow on
Her face, shoulders, hands
Palms turned towards a steel white sky
Walk with me
Carry me. My feet are sore.
Down to the water
He lifts her up and feels the warmth
Fingers on naked cold skin
Goosebumps like an organic Braille system
Her knees bleeding
Staining the dress
Blood and wine mixed together
This is my body and this is my dress
Even deeper red
His lips wet as he tries to kiss
The pain away
Down at the riverbank
The linen explodes
Across the fields
In the houses
Small blue flowers
Covering
Washing
Everyone’s feet
He sings for her
Deep
Underneath his breath
It sounds familiar.
A melody
That’s existed since the dawn of time
But just for her.
The dress is a sail in the water
There are many questions but
Just a few answers
Can you pray for me dear?
Can I have your deck of cards?
As the water turns red
The queen of hearts floats
Towards me
Downstream
It looks like she smiles
But it could be
Her tears for the river