[FIC] the world is changing around us
title: the world is changing around us
rating: r
pairing: nishikido ryo/tegoshi yuya
summary: au. "i'll listen to your story, you don't even have to tell me your name. and i won't tell you mine."
word count: 7,827
DL : someiyoshino - endlicheri☆endlicheri
Sit properly, Yuya, his mother tells him, and he sighs, straightening his back and pressing his feet flat on the floorboards. And don't feed the dog. He retreats his hand from under the table, Tinny walks away. It's an old habit, he's been doing this for about as long as he’d had her. The window is open, warm wind caressing his neck, making him forget, for a second, that he's not happy, not who he wants to be. The thought doesn't stay for long - his father is another wind, he slams the front door, curses and slackens his tie in short, angry movements. They're not collected and serene like they usually would be. He's sick of everything lately, sick and tired of his job, his colleagues, his son, his wife, the way their twenty-year-old house is supposedly falling apart. Sick of the government, the country, the whole fucking planet. The bags under his eyes look heavy like the weight of life on his shoulders, because he takes life the hard way. Yuya wonders, for a moment, if his father is joking because sometimes he acts a bit less angry than this and gives his son a childish smile, a wink, while making his wife think he's really pissed off. But he's not. He's very angry, the brown of his eyes say it, and it scares Yuya. He doesn't want anyone to get hit.
The day-by-day calendar says it's May 11th, his mother mentions that Yuya's turning eighteen in six months, ne, and his father starts a rant about him getting together for fuck's sake, he better do good on the sports tournament next month, unlike last year. His father is still angry that Akanishi Jin is captain of their soccer team and blames it all on Yuya. Yuya, who slacks off and is supposedly good for nothing. He doesn't want to see how much talent and love Akanishi has for soccer, how Yuya hates soccer and doesn't, let alone can't give his all, simply because he's not happy.
Yuya looks down at his food. It's his favourite, half-eaten and still warm, but he doesn't feel hungry anymore. He looks back up, his eyes meet his father's, though they instantly defy him. He stands up, slips into his shoes and leaves. And he runs. Runs until his lungs burn, until his breath can barely come out, his knees are about to give out and he has to sit down on a park bench. He sucks his bottom lip in his mouth, tries to ignore the tears that threaten to spill out of his eyes but it's impossible, so he draws his knees up to his chest, hugging his legs tight as he buries his face in the small crook, shoulders shaking lightly. He usually never cries. It's almost as if he's forgotten how painful the lump in his throat or how horrible the feeling of helplessness are.
Utada Hikaru's new song plays on repeat in his head like a broken record, I'm a prisoner of love, prisoner of love, he wishes he would only be a prisoner of love, not of his own life. The chorus is still playing, whispers of something, some kind of distress just like his, when a voice above him breaks it like when he's listening to L'Arc~en~Ciel to do his homework and his father turns his CD player off. "It's too pretty a day to be crying," the man says, and Yuya knows he's talking to him, because no one is weak enough to break down in the middle of a park. He recognizes the voice, deep and charming, surely he's heard it in his dreams once. He looks up to see the same person who fake-hits a girl on TV, beats up her friends and tries to ruin their lives altogether. He remembers those sad-shaped eyes that smile nonetheless, and the Kansai accent in his speech. Yuya looks away, wiping his tears with his dry sleeve. "Leave me alone," he mumbles and hopes the man will just walk away.
He doesn't. Instead, he sits down next to him. "It's 2008. People don't take the time to stop and wipe the tears of a crying teenager, do they? It kinda makes me sad, you know? How we're too self-centred to take a look at other people's pain. What's your story?"
"None of your business." Yuya's voice is rougher than usual and he feels like Tegoshi-kun is becoming Tegoshi-san, he's becoming just like his father. He knows he's being rude towards an older man, an actor (and a good one, at that!), but he doesn't want pity from a stranger, even a handsome. He wants care and freedom he knows he can't have.
He feels a hand on his cheekbone, the fingers rough from guitar strings like his own. Rough, but somehow seemingly warm and gentle as they wipe a fresh tear away. "Five years ago," the man says quietly, his whisper replacing Hikki's voice in Yuya's head, "I wanted to break down. I thought I'd never make it out of high school alive. I was told that I'd missed too much while starting my acting career, but I wanted to graduate. No one wanted to believe in me...But then, I met this guy again - a senpai I'd never respected, and he did believe in me. I graduated and owe it to him." Yuya stands up, turning his back to him before walking away, angry at the world, just like his father.
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"If I can help you half as much as he helped me, I'll be happy."
Yuya opens his mouth to say he's full of shit, that nobody helps others for nothing in this world.
"I know a teenage guy's pride; I've had it too. A teenage guy won't cry in public unless he's hurting more than anyone will ever know."
"That's bullshit!" Yuya exclaims. "You don't know me. I'm not hurting more than anyone will ever know." He walks maybe three steps, the man's voice interrupts him just like it interrupted in the song in Yuya's head, his voice making him freeze on the spot. He says that Yuya's weak, that's why he's crying, he's one of those spoiled kids who have the right to act pitiful because he's had some tiny hardships in life, like Murakami's Hashi and Kiku. Tears prickle at the corners of Yuya's eyes again, this man talks just like his father when he doesn't run enough after the damn soccer ball.
"That's what you want me to tell you, so you can restore your bad faith in people and be left alone. But I won't. I'm not Mister D, I believe everyone has a reason for tears," the man says with his voice a bit softer. Yuya's eyes well up again, his back is turned, and he feels the man's presence behind him. "Ramen, my treat. I'll listen to your story, you don't even have to tell me your name. And I won't tell you mine. Okay?"
"Nishikido Ryo. You play Oikawa Sousuke in that new drama, and you're creepy." Yuya replies flatly
"I'll take this as a compliment," Ryo laughs. "Come on, let's go." He grabs Yuya's hand without a warning, entwining their fingers as if they'd known each other forever. Yuya feels his ears burn when Ryo wraps an arm around his shoulders at the ramen stand, the owner looks so happy, it's nice to see you in Kanagawa again Nishikido-kun. Yuya eats quietly, listens to the two men's idle conversation until Ryo finally turns to him and asks again, "What's your story?"
He wonders if he's going to end up in a dark alley, abused and beaten by a stranger who said he wanted to dry his tears and listen to his so-called story over steaming bowls of noodles. "It's nothing much," he says in a dull voice. "I've been playing soccer for eight years, I liked it at first, but my parents went overboard and it's just…too much now. I'm sick of the pressure, I…it's not what I want. It's not who I am."
"What do you want?"
Yuya's heart nearly skips a beat; he hasn't been asked this question in years, not in such a situation, and this stranger, this Ryo-tan, he asks him like he really cares, like he wants to know. It's 2008 and somehow, a stranger cares when his parents don't. "I...I..." He twists his fingers in a somewhat boyish manner, seeming both strong yet so weak all at once. He just chews his lip, tasting the flavour of ramen against his tongue. "I want to dance," he finally says, avoiding Ryo's eyes. Ryo nods. Yuya has trouble to believe this is happening, because less than an hour ago he was sitting at the table at home while his father let his anger out on his family, but now he's having ramen with reddened eyes and a perfect stranger that his mother watches with starry eyes on TV once a week. This stranger tells him to get out to the cage he's found himself in. It’s probably not real, Yuya thinks, though admittedly it wouldn't be the first time he dreamt about Nishikido Ryo; he remembers waking up in the middle of the night, his heart racing and the whisper of the wind as a reminder of his voice, sheets wrapped around him like strong arms. He knows that every time he touches his lips, he longs for the perfect kiss every girl dreams of, and every boy secretly wishes for. But dreams don't come true, and he knows this very well.
"Let's meet again," Ryo says after setting money on the counter. "I'll take you to Osaka."
"When?"
"The sooner the better. Friday after school. The whole weekend."
Yuya doesn't debate like he should, instantly saying yes on the smallest whim. He can get raped and beaten, can be killed for all he cares. This man looks honest and looks like he doesn't want anything from him, not even his name. He gives him security and promises of freedom without asking anything in return. He doesn't care. It's unreal and Yuya wants more of this feeling. Ryo hugs him before leaving, says it's going to be the longest week of his life. Mine too, Yuya wants to tell him.
On Monday, he goes to see Masuda before soccer practice, "You're my best friend, ne, Massu?" Of course, Masuda nods. Yuya asks him to be his alibi for the weekend, but Masuda doesn't really get the fancy word. "Cover for me. I'll tell my parents I'm spending from Friday to Sunday night with you, okay? Call me if you're about to say something that could get me in trouble, I'll have my cell phone." Masuda's okay with it, and Yuya promises he'll tell him why he's asking him this, hugs him and runs to the locker room before Akanishi gets mad at him for being late.
"Tegoshi-kun flew today," Akanishi tells him as they change after practice. "What's her name? Was she good?" There's a smile at the corner of his mouth and Yuya blinks repeatedly.
"It's not sex."
Yuya spends the rest of the week paying more attention to his reflection in the mirror. What's so amazing about me? He wonders, because in his opinion, his eyes are too round, too childish, his face is too early. His ass is flat, he's never seen himself as attractive, so why would Ryo? By Friday, he can't sit still and has bought a new outfit, tight-fitting jeans and a V-neck shirt that shows more skin of his chest than usual. Akanishi bumps into him and Masuda at the store, grins a lot and says that it is sex, Tegoshi-kun is trying to seduce a girl, ne. Yuya doesn't know why he's doing this, because he doesn't want to seduce anyone, but there's something inside him that makes him want to look breathtaking. Or just good.
"When's your date?" Akanishi whispers to him during last period, and Yuya's eyes flicker from the board to his notebook, he jots down notes hastily and doesn't think before answering.
"Right after school-hey, that's none of your business!"
Akanishi grins, gives Yuya a thumbs up and a wink, "Good luck!"
Yuya is the first one to stand up and gather his things when the bell rings. He rushes to his house and changes into his brand new outfit, writing his parents a note to remind them of his absence, before leaving with an old plaid backpack with him. Masuda walks him to the park and checks if the guy he's heard about all week looks normal, or at the very least sane. Yuya has already reached Ryo when Masuda, hidden by a swing, recognizes him and gasps. He calls Yuya immediately.
"You're dating a TV star!"
"Emergency, Massu. I told you to call me if there was an emergency. We'll talk about this Monday, okay? Ja ne," and he hangs up, trying to hide his small smile. That's Massu for you.
"You look beautiful when you cry, but you're even more amazing when you smile like this," Ryo says quietly, eyes watching Yuya, who shivers and blushes, intently. Ryo's face softens, grabbing the boy's hand as he smiles like a kid dragging his mother into Disneyland. "Our train leaves around 6:05, so we have a lot of time to kill. Are you hungry?"
While they're sitting in a restaurant with only adults older than thirty eating like aristocrats, Yuya asks Ryo why he's doing this, but his only response is a shrug, sometimes your instinct is stronger than your brain and you don't think before doing stuff; in my case, it's never gone wrong. He says that he only talked to him because of what his instinct told him, because he looked too broken to be ignored. Ryo even says that it would've felt like leaving his sixteen year old sister crying in a park if he had, in fact, ignored Yuya. Yuya's smile falters a bit, though not enough to be noticed. He feels stupid in his clothes, trying to impress an actor who just compared him to his sister. It had been pity, not genuine concern, and he knew it. He almost wants to be on the soccer field, knowing he already likes the pressure of it better than being ashamed for subconsciously having hopes that he can't even describe - all he knows is that they're broken now. He wonders if it's too late to back out now, he hates this, he's too warm and someonepleasetakemehomemommydaddyplease. The worst thing is, Yuya realizes, that this guy, who suddenly has become a stranger to him again, doesn't even know his name.
He stands up with a short bow. "I, um - bathroom - I'll be back in a second. Excuse me." Ryo barely has time to raise his eyebrows and Yuya has already started walking away. The bathroom is squeaky clean, his reflection seeming too clear in the mirror. For Yuya, this doesn’t seem right at all, splashing ice cold water on his face before whipping out his cell phone and finding Masuda's number. "Massu," he says desperately, cutting off his best friend's cheery moshi moshi. "I'm so stupid!" he wails and digs the heel of his palm between his eyebrows.
"What happened?"
"He just compared me to his sister! SISTER! He doesn't even know my name, Massu! Now I'm here in this stupid outfit to impress him and - I'm such an idiot!"
"Where are you? Do you want me to come get you?"
Yuya opens his eyes to look in the mirror and gasps softly when he sees Ryo smiling a him, an honest, real smile. "No, I'm okay. I'll call you back if there's anything. Ja."
Ryo bows a bit and offers an apology, still looking at Yuya through the mirror. "That comparison wasn't very thoughtful of me, was it? I don't want you to think you mean the same kind of thing to me as my sister does." His long fingers wrap themselves around Yuya's arm and pull him gently. "Let's go," he says, leading them back to the table, even pulling out the boy's chair for him like a real gentleman once they arrive. Ryo simply contemplates him for a few moments, his warm childish eyes, round cheeks and soft lips, the juvenile face framed by silky brown hair he wants to reach out and touch. His eyes follow down the smooth curve of his neck, his Adam's apple and the pendant glittering on the slightly exposed skin of his chest. "If you were trying to impress me, I really couldn't even tell. I was already too busy being impressed."
The silence is broken and Yuya's lips twitch up in a smile - he feels his ears burn and hopes it doesn't show too much, lowering his eyes shyly like a girl. It's a quarter to six when they leave the restaurant, and Ryo says they should start heading to the station; it's a bit early, but twenty minutes doesn't really make a difference in a four hour-long trip. Yuya falls asleep against his shoulder when his eyes start feeling heavy and wakes up to find that Ryo is asleep, too, using Yuya's head as a pillow. He gets a feeling that this is going to be the best weekend of his high school years, if not his life. He can finally forget about soccer, about exams and his father's pressure, and maybe he'll find back the part of himself that he's lost over the past six years or so. Ryo is like the fresh breath of spring air after a winter that's been too long and too rough.
Osaka feels even more different with Ryo than it would have been with, say, Massu, because he points out buildings or streets or parks that all played a role in his life, places that Yuya and Massu would have simply passed by, unaware of the memories they could have all become in a local's life. Suddenly Ryo points to a very modest house that seems filled with life and says proudly, "This is my parents' house and where I grew up - come on, we're just a few streets away from my apartment."
"You live close to your parents' house even though you've moved out?"
"I fail at life, right?" Ryo laughs and grabs Yuya's hand - it's more secure that way, people will think you're too pretty and want to steal you to do bad things! - "I just couldn't move too far away, I love this neighbourhood too much, and besides...I spend too much time out of Kansai for shootings and really need to feel home when I come back, you know? I have a lot of pride about being an Osakan... But-Oi! Enough about myself, this is supposed to be your trip!"
"No, I like it; I'm tired and listening to you talk is great."
Ryo's apartment is just as modest and cozy as his parents' house is, not looking like an stereotypical actor's would at all, giving Yuya a pleasant, homely feeling. "Sorry for interrupting," he says politely and bows. Ryo smiles before taking Yuya's bag to his bedroom, telling him he'll change his bed sheets for him, apologizing that he doesn't have a guest room instead.
"And where are you going to sleep?"
"On the couch."
Yuya shakes his head. "I'll sleep on the couch. I don’t mind and I really don't want to be a bother." Ryo shakes his head, says that he wants him to be comfortable for the whole weekend. He then chuckles and lowers his head a bit.
"This is childish," he grins and Yuya places his hands on his hips, nodding in satisfaction.
"Exactly! And that's why you'll sleep in your bed and I'll sleep on the couch." He claps his hands together. "Problem solved."
"Unless…" Ryo trails off and takes Yuya's hand in his again, guiding him to his bedroom. "We both sleep in my bed. I mean, it's big enough for two people and we can put a pillow between us and I'll try really hard not to kick you in my sleep!" he finishes hastily, and the boy laughs before nodding. Yuya locks himself in the bathroom to change into baggy shorts and an old, worn-out L'Arc~en~Ciel shirt before sharing the sink with Ryo, so that they might brush their teeth together. Before long, both slipped into bed and Yuya takes the pillow between their legs to dump it on the floor, snuggling against Ryo. The man just smiles, arms wrapping around the smaller boy’s fragile body.
The last thing Yuya feels before he falls asleep is a butterfly kiss that travels from his forehead to his lips.
The next day, Yuya’s woken up by his cell phone. He cracks one eye open and stares at it, ringing on the bedside table. It's nine in the morning and he can hear Ryo whistling in the kitchen. He stretches an arm out of the warm covers and flips it open before pressing it to his ear, rubbing his eyes and feeling around for his glasses. "Moshi moshi."
"Tegoshi-kun!" Akanishi screeches happily. "How was your date? Did you bang her?" Yuya closes his eyes; this guy is nosier than Massu.
"I'm hanging up, Akanishi-kun," Yuya says and closes his phone despite the soccer captain's cries of oi, wait, Tego! He pads into the kitchen while (still) rubbing his eyes under his glasses with a yawn before noting that Ryo is wearing his own, too, as the man greets him with a soft kiss to his temple. I could get used to this, he thinks as Ryo prepares breakfast. He wants to get used to it, wants Ryo to become a part of his routine. He's gentle and listens to him, makes him live the best weekend of his whole life. On Sunday, they stand by his front door with Yuya's bag at his feet and Ryo moves hair away from his face.
"Let's see each other next week too," he whispers. "Just like this weekend. I'll come take you in Kanagawa then we leave for Osaka together. Will your parents get suspicious?"
Yuya shakes his head. "I'll tell them I'm spending the weekend with Massu or with the captain of my soccer team. It's nothing new and the latter would make them nothing less than delighted." Ryo nods in return, his hand at the base of his neck, playing with his hair. Then it happens. The hand on his neck trails up to his face and so does the other, pulling it closer so Ryo can press his lips against Yuya's. He's always imagined his first kiss quick and awkward, too wet and probably with a girl, but this one is just like in his dreams - it's so perfect Yuya's eyes are wide and he can't move, can't react, can only feel the pressure of Ryo's lips until he pulls away and apologizes.
"I got a little carried away."
"Do it again," Yuya whispers, and wraps his hands around Ryo's neck as he obliges, pressing closer and kissing back. He closes his eyes this time and it seems to heighten his sensations, as if having fireworks in his head go off even louder then they had at first. He parts his lips only slightly, tilts his head and touches his tongue to Ryo's.
"The train," Ryo mumbles in the kiss. "We'll miss it."
Yuya nods as Ryo's hands leave his cheeks, but he buries his face in the crook of the older man's neck. For a moment, Ryo holds him close with his hands on the small of his back, making Yuya forget that Ryo doesn't even know his name. Instead, he just pretends he stands a chance against anyone Ryo could really have. He pretends it's just them both. "I don't want to go. Let me stay here."
"I can't. Just hang on a few months; until you graduate. Then we'll spend just as much time together as we want." He presses their foreheads together and kisses Yuya softly, lightly like the night before. "I promise."
The last four hours they spend together on the train seem way too short to Yuya, especially when they get to the station where Masuda is supposed to pick him up and they can't kiss, because people are looking at Ryo and it's not hard to tell they know who he is. It's really not, actually, since his career is in an uproar right now with how well he's playing Oikawa. It's all in the eyes, Yuya's mother says. This Nishikido boy is a good actor because of the feelings his eyes communicate. Yuya knows his eyes could convey things as noticeable as if something clearly written in a book, that they're not the secret to his acting talents. When they get off the train, Masuda is there as promised, and Yuya hugs Ryo tightly. "I'll see you Friday, Nishikido-san." Ryo nods and bows even though his eyes are screaming that he wants to kiss Yuya, eyes following his back as he walks towards Masuda. The part of Sousuke that's still alive within him wants to slam him against the wall for being so touchy-feely with Yuya, but he shakes his head to himself and chuckles. What a silly habit he developed.
"So how was your weekend with TV Star-san?"
It's been ten days since he met Ryo, Yuya notes on Wednesday as he looks at his mother's day-by-day calendar during breakfast. He remembers that he still doesn't have an alibi for this weekend. "Okaasan," he starts. "I might spend the weekend with Akanishi-kun to train for the tournament next month. Is that okay?"
She beams. "Of course it is!"
There we go. All that's left is to ask Akanishi to cover for him. Even his father, who's still in a bad mood, seems to be a bit less angry at the world knowing his son is not going to spend the weekend with a moronic glutton like that Masuda boy instead of doing nice things like devoting himself to soccer. The first person Yuya goes to before homeroom starts is Akanishi, who's standing in a corner, trying to break his own ball lifting record. He puts on his best smile and most suggestive eyes - after three years of being on the same team as him, he knows Akanishi's gay side (hidden far away but still there) is a sucker for what he calls slutty Tegoshi. "Morning, Akanishi-kun!"
"Mornin' Tego. What's up?"
"Actually, I have something to ask of Akanishi-kun. A huge favour, I'll return it however you want me to." That's the moment where he bites his lip, cocks his hip slightly and looks at his captain through his lashes. Akanishi drops his ball. "I'm seeing my girlfriend again this weekend and I need someone to cover for me from Friday after school to Sunday at around five. I told my parents I'd be spending it with you for soccer. Is it a problem for you?"
Akanishi shakes his head, he's a bit mesmerized. "No, no, of course not! Anything for one of my best players' sex life. You'll return the favour by telling me everything, all right?"
"I'll do anything Akanishi-kun asks. Arigatou ne! You're my savior," Yuya grins and goes to sit at his desk on Masuda's right. He's pretty well seated, with his best friend on his left and Akanishi on his right.
"You're a tease," Masuda says. "Why'd you ask this airhead instead of me? He's gonna tell everyone your secret."
"Relax, Massu! My parents will be suspicious if I decide to spend two weekends in a row over to your place, and they'll never have to call if they think I'm with Akanishi because they think he's perfect. Besides, he's sure that I have a girlfriend and that she's the one I'm meeting; he can't tell much of a secret." He laughs. "It's safer than with you, you'd tell people anything for food."
Masuda scoffs and decides to change the subject. "Are you gonna watch TV Star-san's drama tomorrow? The girls are really excited about the preview. All of them. It's crazy."
"Well, you can be sure my mom is watching it, so why not?"
"Let's hope you don't get jealous and burst out that he's yours when Nagasawa touches him."
"We're not together."
"Right. And I'm a big giant gyoza."
"Massu, your brain is a big giant gyoza," Yuya says and Masuda glares at him right as Akanishi sits next to him and their homeroom teacher starts attendance. At lunch, Yuya tells himself that half of the week is done and he only has the other half left to go through until he sees Ryo. He flies again during soccer practice. Akanishi looks at him, pretty much telling immediately that it's love, despite the fact he's never really seen a teenager who's truly in love before. He just knows that Yuya is. He sees it in his eyes just like Ryo saw he was broken ten days ago.
On Friday, he leaves his house dressed up just like the past week after school and Akanishi has decided to join on the fun; he leaves with him and Masuda. Yuya panics a bit, there's a good chance Akanishi might notice that Ryo is, in fact, not a girl, and an even better chance that he recognizes him. He throws Masuda a panicked look, and Masuda replies with his eyes that it's okay, he'll take care of it. That's what friends are for.
When they get to the park, Masuda grabs Akanishi's arm and stops him from going any further, where he can't see Ryo or Yuya for that matter. "What are you doing? I don't even get to see her? I wanna know if she's hot enough for Tegoshi!"
"She is, don't worry," Masuda rolls his eyes, pulling Akanishi along towards the street. "Tesshi is secretive about her, he doesn't want everyone to know he's dating a girl behind our backs, much less see her. You won't tell a soul, right?" He tightens his grip on Akanishi's arm, hard enough so he winces. "Right, Akanishi-kun?" He repeats slowly, he sees Yuya leaving at the corner of his eye.
"I already told Kame." Akanishi says sheepishly and holds up his hands in front of his face so he doesn't get hit.
"You told the one person who should be off-limits to secrets!" Masuda squeaks in horror. With Kamenashi Kazuya, gossip king and captain of the baseball team knowing, Masuda has the certainty everyone will know about Yuya's date by the start of next week. "Good job, Akanishi. Tesshi is gonna kill us both. Good job."
"Why would he kill you - hey, is that Nishikido Ryo?"
Masuda's eyes widen and his gaze follows Akanishi's to fall on a beaming Yuya and Ryo. He has no idea what to do to cover for Yuya this time and decides to play dumb instead. He also decides that he's not seeing the actor's hand slip into the back pocket of his best friend's jeans unless Akanishi points it out. He feels a little bit jealous, just a little, because he knows he's going to get ditched more and more in the future. "Oi, get your hand off his ass you pervert!" Akanishi yells and Masuda ducks behind a bush to pretend he's not involved in this. Yuya blinks.
"Akanishi-kun?" he jogs over to his team mate, followed by Ryo, and sees a tuft of brown hair sticking out from behind the bush. "Massu? Why are you guys still here?"
"You know them?" Ryo asks and Masuda feels very, very awkward as he stands and the actor points out that he has a leaf stuck in his hair. When Masuda hurries to take it out, he looks up at Ryo and can tell he's biting back a million insults. He's not very relieved when they leave, thinking about rape and child pornography and finding Yuya half-dead in an alley with cum and blood on his legs. It's not a very pleasant thought and a bit paranoid, too, because Ryo doesn't go any further than kissing Yuya even though the boy wants more. ‘You're only a teenager,’ he says. ‘Your hormones are saying you want it but it doesn't mean your brain does too, so let's take it slow so you don't get any regrets.’ He's thoughtful and doesn't want Yuya's first time to be quick and awkward like he imagined his first kiss would be.
"I'm not a girl," Yuya says. "I don't care about those things."
"Deep down, you do. I know because I felt the same."
Saturday morning, when Yuya wakes up groggy and peaceful with his red-rimmed glasses perched atop his nose, Ryo tells him his sister needs a dancer for the show she's organizing. "One of them broke her ankle and now she's panicking. I told her I might have someone who can help; I thought about you the second she told me about it."
"When's the show?"
"In two weeks." Yuya blinks a bit. "You have three choices. The first one is you say no. The second one is you say yes and pass for a girl. The third one is you go as yourself and pass for a…well, not very manly guy since it's a girl's choreography. Do you need time to think about it?"
"How complicated would it be to go as a girl?"
"Barely."
"I'll do it."
The choreography turns out to be a solo to a Britney Spears song and Yuya knows Ryo's sister lied when she said she didn't choose the song, because they have they same eyes and that said it wasn't true. He understands why she'd lied, too. Quite frankly, it's more than just a little bit slutty, and surely Ryo would have a stroke if he knew the choice had come from his baby sister. It's easy and Yuya learns it in the span of one afternoon. On their third weekend, Ryo takes Yuya and his sister shopping so they can find him a nice girl outfit - he ends up with a short, cheerleader-style black and blue skirt, a white tank top and a blue zip-up sweater to match the skirt. He'll have to shave his legs, wear a stuffed bra just in case, and some make up (black eyeliner, mascara and clear lipgloss). Just in case. When he shaves, he doesn't think about being in shorts for soccer - Akanishi doesn't fail to notice.
"Tegoshi-kun…what happened to your leg hair?"
Yuya looks down. Damnit. "Oh, that? My girlfriend did it. She said I don't understand how much of a pain being a girl can be, so she shaved me. I think she purposely cut me a few times to prove her point…"
"I see, I see. Tegoshi-kun really likes her, ne."
"Un." Just how dumb is he?, Yuya wonders. When Friday comes, Ryo doesn't come get him at the park and he doesn't rush out of his classroom when the bell rings. He eats dinner with his parents and Masuda for the first Friday in three weeks, and they leave for the train station just a while before six. Yuya barely even lies, says they've been planning a road trip to Osaka together since May 16th - the first night he spent with Ryo. To get him powered up for the sports tournament, Masuda grins (lies). It pleases Yuya's parents enough to let them go, even though they would've preferred Akanishi to go with him, maybe even the whole team.
Masuda kisses the top of Yuya's hair when he falls asleep on his shoulder two hours into their train ride. The next transfer isn't until a while later so he just leaves his best friend be - there's a soft smile gracing his face and his glasses are slipping a bit. He's dreaming of Ryo. Masuda realizes that barely a month ago, Yuya would have been frowning in his sleep, and he wonders how miraculous this encounter really is. It feels too good to him to be true, a bit unreal that a now famous actor would pop out of nowhere in a park four hours away from home just to dry a psychologically lost teenager's tears. He knows that's what Yuya is worth, but he's a TV star, for heaven's sake! Really, that's not what TV stars - or people - do. Anyone would've looked at him, pitied him then walked away and maybe thought about him when they went to bed. That's all. It's unrealistic, Masuda repeats in his head. It's like a teenage chick flick. Like that Cinderella movie.
Then it hits him. Yuya is a Cinderella boy.
"What do you really want from him?" He asks Ryo as Yuya's voice drifts from the shower in perfect waves, powerful and clear, truly innocent. "Why did you do this?"
"Why did I do what? Talk to him?" Ryo shrugs. "I just had to. It broke my heart when I saw him sitting there and crying, I couldn't stand to let him be alone like this. I didn't know he had you." The water stops running, but Yuya keeps on singing happily. "I think I'm falling in love with him, Masuda-kun."
"You don't even know his name."
"It's not like I don't keep asking him. He says he won't tell me until he feels the moment is perfect, because it was so right when I told him he didn't have to tell me. He says he needed someone to listen to him without wanting anything back in return. I think it made him feel comfortable, you know?"
"It's illegal, you and him. Like that. He's underage."
"Who's underage?" Yuya asks, his head tilted just at the right angle. Masuda doesn't answer, instead pushes him back in the bathroom and says he'll help making him into a girl. When everything is done, he wraps his lucky scarf loosely around Yuya's neck, to make sure everything goes right. They're both a little nervous, causing Masuda to act like a parent, anticipating his kid's show, but Yuya does amazingly. He makes even the most suggestive moves look graceful on stage, fooling everyone into thinking he's a very special girl, one of a kind. Ryo's throat feels very dry when the song ends and Yuya gets a standing ovation, and Ryo leans towards a starry-eyed Masuda on his right. They're both amazed, only Ryo feels it in different parts of his anatomy.
"Masuda-kun," he says loudly over the nose, but quietly enough so only the boy hears him. "Do you mind staying at my parents' place for the night? It's barely five minutes away from my apartment."
"So you can have sex with him?" Masuda asks in horror. "No way. You're not touching him."
"I can't lie to you, can I? Please."
"Forget it."
"Masuda-kun." Masuda throws Ryo the deadliest of glares. He ends up saying yes, though only after swearing that if he hurt Yuya, he would be very dead and have his remnants used as meat for gyoza. Ryo even gives him enough money to go to Osaka in case he ever has to come punch him for hurting Yuya. "You won't need it though."
As soon as the door of Ryo's apartment closes behind them, Ryo slips the clip holding Yuya's hair back from his face so it falls back with boyish innocence and kisses him, smearing clear lipgloss over their mouths. They stumble through his bedroom door, Yuya backing up until he falls back on the bed and pulls Ryo on top of him, taking the man's hands to slip them under his skirt. Ryo glides his hands over the smooth skin of his thighs and undresses him slowly, leaving him only in the boxers he insisted on keeping, with his breath cut short and his skin tingling with excitement. The boy bites his lip and starts unbuttoning Ryo's shirt - shyly, he touches his toned abs, tan skin stretching over his muscles, strong and manly despite his height. He lets Yuya take his time so he's the one who takes all of Ryo's clothes off, then his own boxers, pressing up against him and rubbing their hips together.
They're both close to the edge, Ryo pounding inside of Yuya and wanting to cry out the name he doesn't know when Yuya tells him. He takes Ryo's bottom lip between his teeth, gasps, presses kisses to his jaw, gasps again, "It's Yuya. My name."
And Ryo moans his name, coming soon after, pumping Yuya's erection, all of it driving the boy over to the edge. He sees stars, thinks he's going to pass out from the pleasure - crying out in his pillow with his hand between his legs is nothing like actual sex, he thinks, but he has a feeling nothing will ever compare to sex with Ryo. "You came before me," he pants and laughs. "I thought I'd come too soon because I'm a teenager."
"Shut up." Ryo mumbles against the crook of his neck, but he's smiling. "Yuya." His name comes out in a whisper, so soft and new it gives Yuya shivers. It was definitely the perfect moment to tell him, just like it was the perfect moment when Ryo told him he didn't want to know his name. He covers their bodies with Ryo's blankets and runs a hand through his lover's black hair - lover, huh. He's already asleep against him, head buried in his neck while he holds the smaller body protectively.
"I wonder what we are," Yuya whispers back. Masuda can't sleep at all that night.
As they sit in the train on the way back, Masuda twists his fingers like knots in his lap uneasily. Yuya just looks out of the window with both a dreamy and sad expression, he feels different to Masuda, more grown-up, as if he's pretty much a man now. They say girls are different after their first sexual intercourse, he wonders if Yuya only feels different to him because he knows what happened with Nishikido, if Yuya's parents will notice. He hopes they don't, because they would immediately think Masuda was his first, which is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to him. Hell, they probably don't even know he's gay. What a shock. "Did he hurt you?"
"No. Well, of course it hurts still a little bit, it's up the-"
"I get it. I just wanted to know if everything went…well. How are you going to hide it from your parents? Cause no offense, but that limp is pretty obvious."
"Oh. Right." He obviously hasn't thought about that when he let Nishikido get in his pants. "I'll just tell them we met some guys we played soccer with and I fell down, it wouldn't be the first time it happens. I'm so clumsy, ne." Masuda nods, looks away for five minutes; all this is making him a tad awkward. "I really want to thank Massu for what he did. I know you're uncomfortable about it, but you still went through it and gave your approval to Ryo-tan. I really appreciate everything you did for me since the beginning." Masuda just nods again, smiling because even though Yuya is changing, he'll always know his Massu better than Masuda knows himself. Just like Masuda knows him better than anyone else, even Nishikido.
"That's what best friends are for, so you don't have to thank me for anything. I'm still waiting for your boyfriend's thanks, though. I think I deserve them."
Yuya laughs, all of this making him really happy for some reason. He comes back home and tells his parents only half of what really happened during the weekend, the rest is all lies, and he does it so animatedly they never notice he's lying. They have no idea. Until June 11th. A month has passed since Yuya and Ryo have met and Yuya has already found his alibi for next weekend - Ryo said he would plan something special, but they both don't know it's not going to happen. Masuda knew it. It was too perfect. Yuya's sitting on his bed with his earphones in his ears as he bobs his head to silly sappy love songs and L'Arc~en~Ciel, peaceful until his mother bursts in.
She takes his earphones out roughly and slaps him for the first time in both of their lives - he looks up in horror, throat constricted by confusion until she drops a stack of pictures on the mattress. Pictures of him and Ryo, some on the brink of intimate. "What the-" he starts slowly, like he can't believe it, cut off when his mother slaps him on the other cheek.
"You're never seeing him again," she says with her voice low, and he sees his father in the doorway, his eyes darker than they have ever been, dark with anger and disappointment. Yuya doesn't really know what he's really disappointed about; his son being gay or having been completely lied to for the past month? "Give me your cell phone, Yuya." He stares at his mother's outstretched hand for a moment before realizing that he can't do anything to save himself, so he slides the device in her palm obediently. He can only watch as she hands it to his father, who throws it down on the floor and crushes it with the heel of his shoe. Something crushes inside Yuya at the same time.
"Don't try to play behind our backs." His father is already gone and his mother looks at him before telling him that it's all for his own good. Then she retreats back out of his room.
"What do you know about what's good for me, what makes me happy?" He yells out angrily, unable to feel anything else, but he has no response. That night, he can't bring himself to cry but there's still a painful lump in his throat as he falls asleep, waking up in the middle of the night with tears running down his cheeks. He dreams of bugs crawling under his skin, of Ryo, and cries in his sleep just as much as he used to smile.
He's alone on the soccer field when he really breaks down, kicking at balls angrily, but he feels himself crumble at some point. Akanishi is the one who finds him crying against one of the poles of the net, though he can't do anything. Only Masuda can, but Yuya doesn't want to be seen that way by his best friend, doesn't want his Massu to see him with dead eyes and a broken heart. Even though he can't bring himself to cry in front of him, Masuda knows, and he's the one who shows up at the park on Friday night.
Ryo's face falls. The world spins.
rating: r
pairing: nishikido ryo/tegoshi yuya
summary: au. "i'll listen to your story, you don't even have to tell me your name. and i won't tell you mine."
word count: 7,827
DL : someiyoshino - endlicheri☆endlicheri
Sit properly, Yuya, his mother tells him, and he sighs, straightening his back and pressing his feet flat on the floorboards. And don't feed the dog. He retreats his hand from under the table, Tinny walks away. It's an old habit, he's been doing this for about as long as he’d had her. The window is open, warm wind caressing his neck, making him forget, for a second, that he's not happy, not who he wants to be. The thought doesn't stay for long - his father is another wind, he slams the front door, curses and slackens his tie in short, angry movements. They're not collected and serene like they usually would be. He's sick of everything lately, sick and tired of his job, his colleagues, his son, his wife, the way their twenty-year-old house is supposedly falling apart. Sick of the government, the country, the whole fucking planet. The bags under his eyes look heavy like the weight of life on his shoulders, because he takes life the hard way. Yuya wonders, for a moment, if his father is joking because sometimes he acts a bit less angry than this and gives his son a childish smile, a wink, while making his wife think he's really pissed off. But he's not. He's very angry, the brown of his eyes say it, and it scares Yuya. He doesn't want anyone to get hit.
The day-by-day calendar says it's May 11th, his mother mentions that Yuya's turning eighteen in six months, ne, and his father starts a rant about him getting together for fuck's sake, he better do good on the sports tournament next month, unlike last year. His father is still angry that Akanishi Jin is captain of their soccer team and blames it all on Yuya. Yuya, who slacks off and is supposedly good for nothing. He doesn't want to see how much talent and love Akanishi has for soccer, how Yuya hates soccer and doesn't, let alone can't give his all, simply because he's not happy.
Yuya looks down at his food. It's his favourite, half-eaten and still warm, but he doesn't feel hungry anymore. He looks back up, his eyes meet his father's, though they instantly defy him. He stands up, slips into his shoes and leaves. And he runs. Runs until his lungs burn, until his breath can barely come out, his knees are about to give out and he has to sit down on a park bench. He sucks his bottom lip in his mouth, tries to ignore the tears that threaten to spill out of his eyes but it's impossible, so he draws his knees up to his chest, hugging his legs tight as he buries his face in the small crook, shoulders shaking lightly. He usually never cries. It's almost as if he's forgotten how painful the lump in his throat or how horrible the feeling of helplessness are.
Utada Hikaru's new song plays on repeat in his head like a broken record, I'm a prisoner of love, prisoner of love, he wishes he would only be a prisoner of love, not of his own life. The chorus is still playing, whispers of something, some kind of distress just like his, when a voice above him breaks it like when he's listening to L'Arc~en~Ciel to do his homework and his father turns his CD player off. "It's too pretty a day to be crying," the man says, and Yuya knows he's talking to him, because no one is weak enough to break down in the middle of a park. He recognizes the voice, deep and charming, surely he's heard it in his dreams once. He looks up to see the same person who fake-hits a girl on TV, beats up her friends and tries to ruin their lives altogether. He remembers those sad-shaped eyes that smile nonetheless, and the Kansai accent in his speech. Yuya looks away, wiping his tears with his dry sleeve. "Leave me alone," he mumbles and hopes the man will just walk away.
He doesn't. Instead, he sits down next to him. "It's 2008. People don't take the time to stop and wipe the tears of a crying teenager, do they? It kinda makes me sad, you know? How we're too self-centred to take a look at other people's pain. What's your story?"
"None of your business." Yuya's voice is rougher than usual and he feels like Tegoshi-kun is becoming Tegoshi-san, he's becoming just like his father. He knows he's being rude towards an older man, an actor (and a good one, at that!), but he doesn't want pity from a stranger, even a handsome. He wants care and freedom he knows he can't have.
He feels a hand on his cheekbone, the fingers rough from guitar strings like his own. Rough, but somehow seemingly warm and gentle as they wipe a fresh tear away. "Five years ago," the man says quietly, his whisper replacing Hikki's voice in Yuya's head, "I wanted to break down. I thought I'd never make it out of high school alive. I was told that I'd missed too much while starting my acting career, but I wanted to graduate. No one wanted to believe in me...But then, I met this guy again - a senpai I'd never respected, and he did believe in me. I graduated and owe it to him." Yuya stands up, turning his back to him before walking away, angry at the world, just like his father.
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"If I can help you half as much as he helped me, I'll be happy."
Yuya opens his mouth to say he's full of shit, that nobody helps others for nothing in this world.
"I know a teenage guy's pride; I've had it too. A teenage guy won't cry in public unless he's hurting more than anyone will ever know."
"That's bullshit!" Yuya exclaims. "You don't know me. I'm not hurting more than anyone will ever know." He walks maybe three steps, the man's voice interrupts him just like it interrupted in the song in Yuya's head, his voice making him freeze on the spot. He says that Yuya's weak, that's why he's crying, he's one of those spoiled kids who have the right to act pitiful because he's had some tiny hardships in life, like Murakami's Hashi and Kiku. Tears prickle at the corners of Yuya's eyes again, this man talks just like his father when he doesn't run enough after the damn soccer ball.
"That's what you want me to tell you, so you can restore your bad faith in people and be left alone. But I won't. I'm not Mister D, I believe everyone has a reason for tears," the man says with his voice a bit softer. Yuya's eyes well up again, his back is turned, and he feels the man's presence behind him. "Ramen, my treat. I'll listen to your story, you don't even have to tell me your name. And I won't tell you mine. Okay?"
"Nishikido Ryo. You play Oikawa Sousuke in that new drama, and you're creepy." Yuya replies flatly
"I'll take this as a compliment," Ryo laughs. "Come on, let's go." He grabs Yuya's hand without a warning, entwining their fingers as if they'd known each other forever. Yuya feels his ears burn when Ryo wraps an arm around his shoulders at the ramen stand, the owner looks so happy, it's nice to see you in Kanagawa again Nishikido-kun. Yuya eats quietly, listens to the two men's idle conversation until Ryo finally turns to him and asks again, "What's your story?"
He wonders if he's going to end up in a dark alley, abused and beaten by a stranger who said he wanted to dry his tears and listen to his so-called story over steaming bowls of noodles. "It's nothing much," he says in a dull voice. "I've been playing soccer for eight years, I liked it at first, but my parents went overboard and it's just…too much now. I'm sick of the pressure, I…it's not what I want. It's not who I am."
"What do you want?"
Yuya's heart nearly skips a beat; he hasn't been asked this question in years, not in such a situation, and this stranger, this Ryo-tan, he asks him like he really cares, like he wants to know. It's 2008 and somehow, a stranger cares when his parents don't. "I...I..." He twists his fingers in a somewhat boyish manner, seeming both strong yet so weak all at once. He just chews his lip, tasting the flavour of ramen against his tongue. "I want to dance," he finally says, avoiding Ryo's eyes. Ryo nods. Yuya has trouble to believe this is happening, because less than an hour ago he was sitting at the table at home while his father let his anger out on his family, but now he's having ramen with reddened eyes and a perfect stranger that his mother watches with starry eyes on TV once a week. This stranger tells him to get out to the cage he's found himself in. It’s probably not real, Yuya thinks, though admittedly it wouldn't be the first time he dreamt about Nishikido Ryo; he remembers waking up in the middle of the night, his heart racing and the whisper of the wind as a reminder of his voice, sheets wrapped around him like strong arms. He knows that every time he touches his lips, he longs for the perfect kiss every girl dreams of, and every boy secretly wishes for. But dreams don't come true, and he knows this very well.
"Let's meet again," Ryo says after setting money on the counter. "I'll take you to Osaka."
"When?"
"The sooner the better. Friday after school. The whole weekend."
Yuya doesn't debate like he should, instantly saying yes on the smallest whim. He can get raped and beaten, can be killed for all he cares. This man looks honest and looks like he doesn't want anything from him, not even his name. He gives him security and promises of freedom without asking anything in return. He doesn't care. It's unreal and Yuya wants more of this feeling. Ryo hugs him before leaving, says it's going to be the longest week of his life. Mine too, Yuya wants to tell him.
On Monday, he goes to see Masuda before soccer practice, "You're my best friend, ne, Massu?" Of course, Masuda nods. Yuya asks him to be his alibi for the weekend, but Masuda doesn't really get the fancy word. "Cover for me. I'll tell my parents I'm spending from Friday to Sunday night with you, okay? Call me if you're about to say something that could get me in trouble, I'll have my cell phone." Masuda's okay with it, and Yuya promises he'll tell him why he's asking him this, hugs him and runs to the locker room before Akanishi gets mad at him for being late.
"Tegoshi-kun flew today," Akanishi tells him as they change after practice. "What's her name? Was she good?" There's a smile at the corner of his mouth and Yuya blinks repeatedly.
"It's not sex."
Yuya spends the rest of the week paying more attention to his reflection in the mirror. What's so amazing about me? He wonders, because in his opinion, his eyes are too round, too childish, his face is too early. His ass is flat, he's never seen himself as attractive, so why would Ryo? By Friday, he can't sit still and has bought a new outfit, tight-fitting jeans and a V-neck shirt that shows more skin of his chest than usual. Akanishi bumps into him and Masuda at the store, grins a lot and says that it is sex, Tegoshi-kun is trying to seduce a girl, ne. Yuya doesn't know why he's doing this, because he doesn't want to seduce anyone, but there's something inside him that makes him want to look breathtaking. Or just good.
"When's your date?" Akanishi whispers to him during last period, and Yuya's eyes flicker from the board to his notebook, he jots down notes hastily and doesn't think before answering.
"Right after school-hey, that's none of your business!"
Akanishi grins, gives Yuya a thumbs up and a wink, "Good luck!"
Yuya is the first one to stand up and gather his things when the bell rings. He rushes to his house and changes into his brand new outfit, writing his parents a note to remind them of his absence, before leaving with an old plaid backpack with him. Masuda walks him to the park and checks if the guy he's heard about all week looks normal, or at the very least sane. Yuya has already reached Ryo when Masuda, hidden by a swing, recognizes him and gasps. He calls Yuya immediately.
"You're dating a TV star!"
"Emergency, Massu. I told you to call me if there was an emergency. We'll talk about this Monday, okay? Ja ne," and he hangs up, trying to hide his small smile. That's Massu for you.
"You look beautiful when you cry, but you're even more amazing when you smile like this," Ryo says quietly, eyes watching Yuya, who shivers and blushes, intently. Ryo's face softens, grabbing the boy's hand as he smiles like a kid dragging his mother into Disneyland. "Our train leaves around 6:05, so we have a lot of time to kill. Are you hungry?"
While they're sitting in a restaurant with only adults older than thirty eating like aristocrats, Yuya asks Ryo why he's doing this, but his only response is a shrug, sometimes your instinct is stronger than your brain and you don't think before doing stuff; in my case, it's never gone wrong. He says that he only talked to him because of what his instinct told him, because he looked too broken to be ignored. Ryo even says that it would've felt like leaving his sixteen year old sister crying in a park if he had, in fact, ignored Yuya. Yuya's smile falters a bit, though not enough to be noticed. He feels stupid in his clothes, trying to impress an actor who just compared him to his sister. It had been pity, not genuine concern, and he knew it. He almost wants to be on the soccer field, knowing he already likes the pressure of it better than being ashamed for subconsciously having hopes that he can't even describe - all he knows is that they're broken now. He wonders if it's too late to back out now, he hates this, he's too warm and someonepleasetakemehomemommydaddyplease. The worst thing is, Yuya realizes, that this guy, who suddenly has become a stranger to him again, doesn't even know his name.
He stands up with a short bow. "I, um - bathroom - I'll be back in a second. Excuse me." Ryo barely has time to raise his eyebrows and Yuya has already started walking away. The bathroom is squeaky clean, his reflection seeming too clear in the mirror. For Yuya, this doesn’t seem right at all, splashing ice cold water on his face before whipping out his cell phone and finding Masuda's number. "Massu," he says desperately, cutting off his best friend's cheery moshi moshi. "I'm so stupid!" he wails and digs the heel of his palm between his eyebrows.
"What happened?"
"He just compared me to his sister! SISTER! He doesn't even know my name, Massu! Now I'm here in this stupid outfit to impress him and - I'm such an idiot!"
"Where are you? Do you want me to come get you?"
Yuya opens his eyes to look in the mirror and gasps softly when he sees Ryo smiling a him, an honest, real smile. "No, I'm okay. I'll call you back if there's anything. Ja."
Ryo bows a bit and offers an apology, still looking at Yuya through the mirror. "That comparison wasn't very thoughtful of me, was it? I don't want you to think you mean the same kind of thing to me as my sister does." His long fingers wrap themselves around Yuya's arm and pull him gently. "Let's go," he says, leading them back to the table, even pulling out the boy's chair for him like a real gentleman once they arrive. Ryo simply contemplates him for a few moments, his warm childish eyes, round cheeks and soft lips, the juvenile face framed by silky brown hair he wants to reach out and touch. His eyes follow down the smooth curve of his neck, his Adam's apple and the pendant glittering on the slightly exposed skin of his chest. "If you were trying to impress me, I really couldn't even tell. I was already too busy being impressed."
The silence is broken and Yuya's lips twitch up in a smile - he feels his ears burn and hopes it doesn't show too much, lowering his eyes shyly like a girl. It's a quarter to six when they leave the restaurant, and Ryo says they should start heading to the station; it's a bit early, but twenty minutes doesn't really make a difference in a four hour-long trip. Yuya falls asleep against his shoulder when his eyes start feeling heavy and wakes up to find that Ryo is asleep, too, using Yuya's head as a pillow. He gets a feeling that this is going to be the best weekend of his high school years, if not his life. He can finally forget about soccer, about exams and his father's pressure, and maybe he'll find back the part of himself that he's lost over the past six years or so. Ryo is like the fresh breath of spring air after a winter that's been too long and too rough.
Osaka feels even more different with Ryo than it would have been with, say, Massu, because he points out buildings or streets or parks that all played a role in his life, places that Yuya and Massu would have simply passed by, unaware of the memories they could have all become in a local's life. Suddenly Ryo points to a very modest house that seems filled with life and says proudly, "This is my parents' house and where I grew up - come on, we're just a few streets away from my apartment."
"You live close to your parents' house even though you've moved out?"
"I fail at life, right?" Ryo laughs and grabs Yuya's hand - it's more secure that way, people will think you're too pretty and want to steal you to do bad things! - "I just couldn't move too far away, I love this neighbourhood too much, and besides...I spend too much time out of Kansai for shootings and really need to feel home when I come back, you know? I have a lot of pride about being an Osakan... But-Oi! Enough about myself, this is supposed to be your trip!"
"No, I like it; I'm tired and listening to you talk is great."
Ryo's apartment is just as modest and cozy as his parents' house is, not looking like an stereotypical actor's would at all, giving Yuya a pleasant, homely feeling. "Sorry for interrupting," he says politely and bows. Ryo smiles before taking Yuya's bag to his bedroom, telling him he'll change his bed sheets for him, apologizing that he doesn't have a guest room instead.
"And where are you going to sleep?"
"On the couch."
Yuya shakes his head. "I'll sleep on the couch. I don’t mind and I really don't want to be a bother." Ryo shakes his head, says that he wants him to be comfortable for the whole weekend. He then chuckles and lowers his head a bit.
"This is childish," he grins and Yuya places his hands on his hips, nodding in satisfaction.
"Exactly! And that's why you'll sleep in your bed and I'll sleep on the couch." He claps his hands together. "Problem solved."
"Unless…" Ryo trails off and takes Yuya's hand in his again, guiding him to his bedroom. "We both sleep in my bed. I mean, it's big enough for two people and we can put a pillow between us and I'll try really hard not to kick you in my sleep!" he finishes hastily, and the boy laughs before nodding. Yuya locks himself in the bathroom to change into baggy shorts and an old, worn-out L'Arc~en~Ciel shirt before sharing the sink with Ryo, so that they might brush their teeth together. Before long, both slipped into bed and Yuya takes the pillow between their legs to dump it on the floor, snuggling against Ryo. The man just smiles, arms wrapping around the smaller boy’s fragile body.
The last thing Yuya feels before he falls asleep is a butterfly kiss that travels from his forehead to his lips.
The next day, Yuya’s woken up by his cell phone. He cracks one eye open and stares at it, ringing on the bedside table. It's nine in the morning and he can hear Ryo whistling in the kitchen. He stretches an arm out of the warm covers and flips it open before pressing it to his ear, rubbing his eyes and feeling around for his glasses. "Moshi moshi."
"Tegoshi-kun!" Akanishi screeches happily. "How was your date? Did you bang her?" Yuya closes his eyes; this guy is nosier than Massu.
"I'm hanging up, Akanishi-kun," Yuya says and closes his phone despite the soccer captain's cries of oi, wait, Tego! He pads into the kitchen while (still) rubbing his eyes under his glasses with a yawn before noting that Ryo is wearing his own, too, as the man greets him with a soft kiss to his temple. I could get used to this, he thinks as Ryo prepares breakfast. He wants to get used to it, wants Ryo to become a part of his routine. He's gentle and listens to him, makes him live the best weekend of his whole life. On Sunday, they stand by his front door with Yuya's bag at his feet and Ryo moves hair away from his face.
"Let's see each other next week too," he whispers. "Just like this weekend. I'll come take you in Kanagawa then we leave for Osaka together. Will your parents get suspicious?"
Yuya shakes his head. "I'll tell them I'm spending the weekend with Massu or with the captain of my soccer team. It's nothing new and the latter would make them nothing less than delighted." Ryo nods in return, his hand at the base of his neck, playing with his hair. Then it happens. The hand on his neck trails up to his face and so does the other, pulling it closer so Ryo can press his lips against Yuya's. He's always imagined his first kiss quick and awkward, too wet and probably with a girl, but this one is just like in his dreams - it's so perfect Yuya's eyes are wide and he can't move, can't react, can only feel the pressure of Ryo's lips until he pulls away and apologizes.
"I got a little carried away."
"Do it again," Yuya whispers, and wraps his hands around Ryo's neck as he obliges, pressing closer and kissing back. He closes his eyes this time and it seems to heighten his sensations, as if having fireworks in his head go off even louder then they had at first. He parts his lips only slightly, tilts his head and touches his tongue to Ryo's.
"The train," Ryo mumbles in the kiss. "We'll miss it."
Yuya nods as Ryo's hands leave his cheeks, but he buries his face in the crook of the older man's neck. For a moment, Ryo holds him close with his hands on the small of his back, making Yuya forget that Ryo doesn't even know his name. Instead, he just pretends he stands a chance against anyone Ryo could really have. He pretends it's just them both. "I don't want to go. Let me stay here."
"I can't. Just hang on a few months; until you graduate. Then we'll spend just as much time together as we want." He presses their foreheads together and kisses Yuya softly, lightly like the night before. "I promise."
The last four hours they spend together on the train seem way too short to Yuya, especially when they get to the station where Masuda is supposed to pick him up and they can't kiss, because people are looking at Ryo and it's not hard to tell they know who he is. It's really not, actually, since his career is in an uproar right now with how well he's playing Oikawa. It's all in the eyes, Yuya's mother says. This Nishikido boy is a good actor because of the feelings his eyes communicate. Yuya knows his eyes could convey things as noticeable as if something clearly written in a book, that they're not the secret to his acting talents. When they get off the train, Masuda is there as promised, and Yuya hugs Ryo tightly. "I'll see you Friday, Nishikido-san." Ryo nods and bows even though his eyes are screaming that he wants to kiss Yuya, eyes following his back as he walks towards Masuda. The part of Sousuke that's still alive within him wants to slam him against the wall for being so touchy-feely with Yuya, but he shakes his head to himself and chuckles. What a silly habit he developed.
"So how was your weekend with TV Star-san?"
It's been ten days since he met Ryo, Yuya notes on Wednesday as he looks at his mother's day-by-day calendar during breakfast. He remembers that he still doesn't have an alibi for this weekend. "Okaasan," he starts. "I might spend the weekend with Akanishi-kun to train for the tournament next month. Is that okay?"
She beams. "Of course it is!"
There we go. All that's left is to ask Akanishi to cover for him. Even his father, who's still in a bad mood, seems to be a bit less angry at the world knowing his son is not going to spend the weekend with a moronic glutton like that Masuda boy instead of doing nice things like devoting himself to soccer. The first person Yuya goes to before homeroom starts is Akanishi, who's standing in a corner, trying to break his own ball lifting record. He puts on his best smile and most suggestive eyes - after three years of being on the same team as him, he knows Akanishi's gay side (hidden far away but still there) is a sucker for what he calls slutty Tegoshi. "Morning, Akanishi-kun!"
"Mornin' Tego. What's up?"
"Actually, I have something to ask of Akanishi-kun. A huge favour, I'll return it however you want me to." That's the moment where he bites his lip, cocks his hip slightly and looks at his captain through his lashes. Akanishi drops his ball. "I'm seeing my girlfriend again this weekend and I need someone to cover for me from Friday after school to Sunday at around five. I told my parents I'd be spending it with you for soccer. Is it a problem for you?"
Akanishi shakes his head, he's a bit mesmerized. "No, no, of course not! Anything for one of my best players' sex life. You'll return the favour by telling me everything, all right?"
"I'll do anything Akanishi-kun asks. Arigatou ne! You're my savior," Yuya grins and goes to sit at his desk on Masuda's right. He's pretty well seated, with his best friend on his left and Akanishi on his right.
"You're a tease," Masuda says. "Why'd you ask this airhead instead of me? He's gonna tell everyone your secret."
"Relax, Massu! My parents will be suspicious if I decide to spend two weekends in a row over to your place, and they'll never have to call if they think I'm with Akanishi because they think he's perfect. Besides, he's sure that I have a girlfriend and that she's the one I'm meeting; he can't tell much of a secret." He laughs. "It's safer than with you, you'd tell people anything for food."
Masuda scoffs and decides to change the subject. "Are you gonna watch TV Star-san's drama tomorrow? The girls are really excited about the preview. All of them. It's crazy."
"Well, you can be sure my mom is watching it, so why not?"
"Let's hope you don't get jealous and burst out that he's yours when Nagasawa touches him."
"We're not together."
"Right. And I'm a big giant gyoza."
"Massu, your brain is a big giant gyoza," Yuya says and Masuda glares at him right as Akanishi sits next to him and their homeroom teacher starts attendance. At lunch, Yuya tells himself that half of the week is done and he only has the other half left to go through until he sees Ryo. He flies again during soccer practice. Akanishi looks at him, pretty much telling immediately that it's love, despite the fact he's never really seen a teenager who's truly in love before. He just knows that Yuya is. He sees it in his eyes just like Ryo saw he was broken ten days ago.
On Friday, he leaves his house dressed up just like the past week after school and Akanishi has decided to join on the fun; he leaves with him and Masuda. Yuya panics a bit, there's a good chance Akanishi might notice that Ryo is, in fact, not a girl, and an even better chance that he recognizes him. He throws Masuda a panicked look, and Masuda replies with his eyes that it's okay, he'll take care of it. That's what friends are for.
When they get to the park, Masuda grabs Akanishi's arm and stops him from going any further, where he can't see Ryo or Yuya for that matter. "What are you doing? I don't even get to see her? I wanna know if she's hot enough for Tegoshi!"
"She is, don't worry," Masuda rolls his eyes, pulling Akanishi along towards the street. "Tesshi is secretive about her, he doesn't want everyone to know he's dating a girl behind our backs, much less see her. You won't tell a soul, right?" He tightens his grip on Akanishi's arm, hard enough so he winces. "Right, Akanishi-kun?" He repeats slowly, he sees Yuya leaving at the corner of his eye.
"I already told Kame." Akanishi says sheepishly and holds up his hands in front of his face so he doesn't get hit.
"You told the one person who should be off-limits to secrets!" Masuda squeaks in horror. With Kamenashi Kazuya, gossip king and captain of the baseball team knowing, Masuda has the certainty everyone will know about Yuya's date by the start of next week. "Good job, Akanishi. Tesshi is gonna kill us both. Good job."
"Why would he kill you - hey, is that Nishikido Ryo?"
Masuda's eyes widen and his gaze follows Akanishi's to fall on a beaming Yuya and Ryo. He has no idea what to do to cover for Yuya this time and decides to play dumb instead. He also decides that he's not seeing the actor's hand slip into the back pocket of his best friend's jeans unless Akanishi points it out. He feels a little bit jealous, just a little, because he knows he's going to get ditched more and more in the future. "Oi, get your hand off his ass you pervert!" Akanishi yells and Masuda ducks behind a bush to pretend he's not involved in this. Yuya blinks.
"Akanishi-kun?" he jogs over to his team mate, followed by Ryo, and sees a tuft of brown hair sticking out from behind the bush. "Massu? Why are you guys still here?"
"You know them?" Ryo asks and Masuda feels very, very awkward as he stands and the actor points out that he has a leaf stuck in his hair. When Masuda hurries to take it out, he looks up at Ryo and can tell he's biting back a million insults. He's not very relieved when they leave, thinking about rape and child pornography and finding Yuya half-dead in an alley with cum and blood on his legs. It's not a very pleasant thought and a bit paranoid, too, because Ryo doesn't go any further than kissing Yuya even though the boy wants more. ‘You're only a teenager,’ he says. ‘Your hormones are saying you want it but it doesn't mean your brain does too, so let's take it slow so you don't get any regrets.’ He's thoughtful and doesn't want Yuya's first time to be quick and awkward like he imagined his first kiss would be.
"I'm not a girl," Yuya says. "I don't care about those things."
"Deep down, you do. I know because I felt the same."
Saturday morning, when Yuya wakes up groggy and peaceful with his red-rimmed glasses perched atop his nose, Ryo tells him his sister needs a dancer for the show she's organizing. "One of them broke her ankle and now she's panicking. I told her I might have someone who can help; I thought about you the second she told me about it."
"When's the show?"
"In two weeks." Yuya blinks a bit. "You have three choices. The first one is you say no. The second one is you say yes and pass for a girl. The third one is you go as yourself and pass for a…well, not very manly guy since it's a girl's choreography. Do you need time to think about it?"
"How complicated would it be to go as a girl?"
"Barely."
"I'll do it."
The choreography turns out to be a solo to a Britney Spears song and Yuya knows Ryo's sister lied when she said she didn't choose the song, because they have they same eyes and that said it wasn't true. He understands why she'd lied, too. Quite frankly, it's more than just a little bit slutty, and surely Ryo would have a stroke if he knew the choice had come from his baby sister. It's easy and Yuya learns it in the span of one afternoon. On their third weekend, Ryo takes Yuya and his sister shopping so they can find him a nice girl outfit - he ends up with a short, cheerleader-style black and blue skirt, a white tank top and a blue zip-up sweater to match the skirt. He'll have to shave his legs, wear a stuffed bra just in case, and some make up (black eyeliner, mascara and clear lipgloss). Just in case. When he shaves, he doesn't think about being in shorts for soccer - Akanishi doesn't fail to notice.
"Tegoshi-kun…what happened to your leg hair?"
Yuya looks down. Damnit. "Oh, that? My girlfriend did it. She said I don't understand how much of a pain being a girl can be, so she shaved me. I think she purposely cut me a few times to prove her point…"
"I see, I see. Tegoshi-kun really likes her, ne."
"Un." Just how dumb is he?, Yuya wonders. When Friday comes, Ryo doesn't come get him at the park and he doesn't rush out of his classroom when the bell rings. He eats dinner with his parents and Masuda for the first Friday in three weeks, and they leave for the train station just a while before six. Yuya barely even lies, says they've been planning a road trip to Osaka together since May 16th - the first night he spent with Ryo. To get him powered up for the sports tournament, Masuda grins (lies). It pleases Yuya's parents enough to let them go, even though they would've preferred Akanishi to go with him, maybe even the whole team.
Masuda kisses the top of Yuya's hair when he falls asleep on his shoulder two hours into their train ride. The next transfer isn't until a while later so he just leaves his best friend be - there's a soft smile gracing his face and his glasses are slipping a bit. He's dreaming of Ryo. Masuda realizes that barely a month ago, Yuya would have been frowning in his sleep, and he wonders how miraculous this encounter really is. It feels too good to him to be true, a bit unreal that a now famous actor would pop out of nowhere in a park four hours away from home just to dry a psychologically lost teenager's tears. He knows that's what Yuya is worth, but he's a TV star, for heaven's sake! Really, that's not what TV stars - or people - do. Anyone would've looked at him, pitied him then walked away and maybe thought about him when they went to bed. That's all. It's unrealistic, Masuda repeats in his head. It's like a teenage chick flick. Like that Cinderella movie.
Then it hits him. Yuya is a Cinderella boy.
"What do you really want from him?" He asks Ryo as Yuya's voice drifts from the shower in perfect waves, powerful and clear, truly innocent. "Why did you do this?"
"Why did I do what? Talk to him?" Ryo shrugs. "I just had to. It broke my heart when I saw him sitting there and crying, I couldn't stand to let him be alone like this. I didn't know he had you." The water stops running, but Yuya keeps on singing happily. "I think I'm falling in love with him, Masuda-kun."
"You don't even know his name."
"It's not like I don't keep asking him. He says he won't tell me until he feels the moment is perfect, because it was so right when I told him he didn't have to tell me. He says he needed someone to listen to him without wanting anything back in return. I think it made him feel comfortable, you know?"
"It's illegal, you and him. Like that. He's underage."
"Who's underage?" Yuya asks, his head tilted just at the right angle. Masuda doesn't answer, instead pushes him back in the bathroom and says he'll help making him into a girl. When everything is done, he wraps his lucky scarf loosely around Yuya's neck, to make sure everything goes right. They're both a little nervous, causing Masuda to act like a parent, anticipating his kid's show, but Yuya does amazingly. He makes even the most suggestive moves look graceful on stage, fooling everyone into thinking he's a very special girl, one of a kind. Ryo's throat feels very dry when the song ends and Yuya gets a standing ovation, and Ryo leans towards a starry-eyed Masuda on his right. They're both amazed, only Ryo feels it in different parts of his anatomy.
"Masuda-kun," he says loudly over the nose, but quietly enough so only the boy hears him. "Do you mind staying at my parents' place for the night? It's barely five minutes away from my apartment."
"So you can have sex with him?" Masuda asks in horror. "No way. You're not touching him."
"I can't lie to you, can I? Please."
"Forget it."
"Masuda-kun." Masuda throws Ryo the deadliest of glares. He ends up saying yes, though only after swearing that if he hurt Yuya, he would be very dead and have his remnants used as meat for gyoza. Ryo even gives him enough money to go to Osaka in case he ever has to come punch him for hurting Yuya. "You won't need it though."
As soon as the door of Ryo's apartment closes behind them, Ryo slips the clip holding Yuya's hair back from his face so it falls back with boyish innocence and kisses him, smearing clear lipgloss over their mouths. They stumble through his bedroom door, Yuya backing up until he falls back on the bed and pulls Ryo on top of him, taking the man's hands to slip them under his skirt. Ryo glides his hands over the smooth skin of his thighs and undresses him slowly, leaving him only in the boxers he insisted on keeping, with his breath cut short and his skin tingling with excitement. The boy bites his lip and starts unbuttoning Ryo's shirt - shyly, he touches his toned abs, tan skin stretching over his muscles, strong and manly despite his height. He lets Yuya take his time so he's the one who takes all of Ryo's clothes off, then his own boxers, pressing up against him and rubbing their hips together.
They're both close to the edge, Ryo pounding inside of Yuya and wanting to cry out the name he doesn't know when Yuya tells him. He takes Ryo's bottom lip between his teeth, gasps, presses kisses to his jaw, gasps again, "It's Yuya. My name."
And Ryo moans his name, coming soon after, pumping Yuya's erection, all of it driving the boy over to the edge. He sees stars, thinks he's going to pass out from the pleasure - crying out in his pillow with his hand between his legs is nothing like actual sex, he thinks, but he has a feeling nothing will ever compare to sex with Ryo. "You came before me," he pants and laughs. "I thought I'd come too soon because I'm a teenager."
"Shut up." Ryo mumbles against the crook of his neck, but he's smiling. "Yuya." His name comes out in a whisper, so soft and new it gives Yuya shivers. It was definitely the perfect moment to tell him, just like it was the perfect moment when Ryo told him he didn't want to know his name. He covers their bodies with Ryo's blankets and runs a hand through his lover's black hair - lover, huh. He's already asleep against him, head buried in his neck while he holds the smaller body protectively.
"I wonder what we are," Yuya whispers back. Masuda can't sleep at all that night.
As they sit in the train on the way back, Masuda twists his fingers like knots in his lap uneasily. Yuya just looks out of the window with both a dreamy and sad expression, he feels different to Masuda, more grown-up, as if he's pretty much a man now. They say girls are different after their first sexual intercourse, he wonders if Yuya only feels different to him because he knows what happened with Nishikido, if Yuya's parents will notice. He hopes they don't, because they would immediately think Masuda was his first, which is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to him. Hell, they probably don't even know he's gay. What a shock. "Did he hurt you?"
"No. Well, of course it hurts still a little bit, it's up the-"
"I get it. I just wanted to know if everything went…well. How are you going to hide it from your parents? Cause no offense, but that limp is pretty obvious."
"Oh. Right." He obviously hasn't thought about that when he let Nishikido get in his pants. "I'll just tell them we met some guys we played soccer with and I fell down, it wouldn't be the first time it happens. I'm so clumsy, ne." Masuda nods, looks away for five minutes; all this is making him a tad awkward. "I really want to thank Massu for what he did. I know you're uncomfortable about it, but you still went through it and gave your approval to Ryo-tan. I really appreciate everything you did for me since the beginning." Masuda just nods again, smiling because even though Yuya is changing, he'll always know his Massu better than Masuda knows himself. Just like Masuda knows him better than anyone else, even Nishikido.
"That's what best friends are for, so you don't have to thank me for anything. I'm still waiting for your boyfriend's thanks, though. I think I deserve them."
Yuya laughs, all of this making him really happy for some reason. He comes back home and tells his parents only half of what really happened during the weekend, the rest is all lies, and he does it so animatedly they never notice he's lying. They have no idea. Until June 11th. A month has passed since Yuya and Ryo have met and Yuya has already found his alibi for next weekend - Ryo said he would plan something special, but they both don't know it's not going to happen. Masuda knew it. It was too perfect. Yuya's sitting on his bed with his earphones in his ears as he bobs his head to silly sappy love songs and L'Arc~en~Ciel, peaceful until his mother bursts in.
She takes his earphones out roughly and slaps him for the first time in both of their lives - he looks up in horror, throat constricted by confusion until she drops a stack of pictures on the mattress. Pictures of him and Ryo, some on the brink of intimate. "What the-" he starts slowly, like he can't believe it, cut off when his mother slaps him on the other cheek.
"You're never seeing him again," she says with her voice low, and he sees his father in the doorway, his eyes darker than they have ever been, dark with anger and disappointment. Yuya doesn't really know what he's really disappointed about; his son being gay or having been completely lied to for the past month? "Give me your cell phone, Yuya." He stares at his mother's outstretched hand for a moment before realizing that he can't do anything to save himself, so he slides the device in her palm obediently. He can only watch as she hands it to his father, who throws it down on the floor and crushes it with the heel of his shoe. Something crushes inside Yuya at the same time.
"Don't try to play behind our backs." His father is already gone and his mother looks at him before telling him that it's all for his own good. Then she retreats back out of his room.
"What do you know about what's good for me, what makes me happy?" He yells out angrily, unable to feel anything else, but he has no response. That night, he can't bring himself to cry but there's still a painful lump in his throat as he falls asleep, waking up in the middle of the night with tears running down his cheeks. He dreams of bugs crawling under his skin, of Ryo, and cries in his sleep just as much as he used to smile.
He's alone on the soccer field when he really breaks down, kicking at balls angrily, but he feels himself crumble at some point. Akanishi is the one who finds him crying against one of the poles of the net, though he can't do anything. Only Masuda can, but Yuya doesn't want to be seen that way by his best friend, doesn't want his Massu to see him with dead eyes and a broken heart. Even though he can't bring himself to cry in front of him, Masuda knows, and he's the one who shows up at the park on Friday night.
Ryo's face falls. The world spins.