The inevitable beginning
Clearly, I have boxed myself into a corner. And I know it. I can't just give up and do what the psychologists say we should all do. I'm smarter than the average psychologist. And even if I'm not, I'm different from the average psychologist. The world is a better place if I retain my distance from the mainstream, if we all can keep some distance from the mainstream. When the going gets tough, it's better to have 6 billion or 7 billion solutions to the problem than to have 4 or 5. In the words of Klaus Amman*, "Roads to success are many, and we must pursue them all."
Since I write and think about philosophy here, let's assume my problem is philosophical... The two most destructive elements of my life right now are loneliness and guilt. The loneliness is really founded on guilt, since I avoid making connections with people in order to avoid feeling guilty about harm or offense I might do them. So the most destructive element of my life is guilt.
And what do I feel guilty about? Let's generalize, since that's also what I do here. I primarily feel guilty about exercising my privilege. About doing things that make me feel good and that are easy, but that may not be appreciated by others who are not in a position to resist me. The problem here is "may". I'm not those other people, so I don't know which exercises of privilege are more or less damaging. I can't know. I can't even tell if I have privilege in some cases, or if people are just letting me do my thing because it doesn't matter to them. Now I routinely hear that the world would be a better place if those with privilege could restrain themselves (ok, I go looking for such comments). But I'm not sure if those making such demands really understand the consequences of such a policy when universalized to all privileges affecting all people. You would have to be a God to keep track of all of your advantages, to keep track of all of their consequences. Now I'm an arrogant bastard, so I try anyways. Surprise! It's not going very well. I'm no God.
The guilt has to go, because it's getting in the way of living. I've done the math, nobody is noticeably ahead if I kill myself, and some are noticeably behind, so that option is off the table (at least philosophically). But I can't operate with the periodic emotional crashes that come with trying to be perfect. I have to go back to being a child... I need to narrow my horizons (emotionally) and stop caring about everything I could control. Pick an issue: yes I could act correctly with respect to that issue. But I can't keep up with them all. I need to go back to keeping up with none.
Let those who stand to suffer from my actions choose to avoid me, or not, as it serves their interest. Let them band together against me and beat me down, if that's what it takes to align my interest with theirs... though it will probably take less than that. I can narrow my emotional horizons, but I can't narrow my intellectual horizons. I know what I know, and I know a fair bit. I can see what's in my interest when it's explained to me: I'm easy to negotiate with. I won't fight tooth and nail to maintain a privilege I don't need. But until someone stands up to me, I'll keep using it... I'm out of the business of acting on imagined resistance. I'm out of the business of transforming my privilege into guilt.
I'm going to celebrate my new-found freedom by watching some porn.
*quoted in Just Food, James E. McWilliams. This quote is quite possibly the simplest and clearest explanation of why free markets are a good thing.
Since I write and think about philosophy here, let's assume my problem is philosophical... The two most destructive elements of my life right now are loneliness and guilt. The loneliness is really founded on guilt, since I avoid making connections with people in order to avoid feeling guilty about harm or offense I might do them. So the most destructive element of my life is guilt.
And what do I feel guilty about? Let's generalize, since that's also what I do here. I primarily feel guilty about exercising my privilege. About doing things that make me feel good and that are easy, but that may not be appreciated by others who are not in a position to resist me. The problem here is "may". I'm not those other people, so I don't know which exercises of privilege are more or less damaging. I can't know. I can't even tell if I have privilege in some cases, or if people are just letting me do my thing because it doesn't matter to them. Now I routinely hear that the world would be a better place if those with privilege could restrain themselves (ok, I go looking for such comments). But I'm not sure if those making such demands really understand the consequences of such a policy when universalized to all privileges affecting all people. You would have to be a God to keep track of all of your advantages, to keep track of all of their consequences. Now I'm an arrogant bastard, so I try anyways. Surprise! It's not going very well. I'm no God.
The guilt has to go, because it's getting in the way of living. I've done the math, nobody is noticeably ahead if I kill myself, and some are noticeably behind, so that option is off the table (at least philosophically). But I can't operate with the periodic emotional crashes that come with trying to be perfect. I have to go back to being a child... I need to narrow my horizons (emotionally) and stop caring about everything I could control. Pick an issue: yes I could act correctly with respect to that issue. But I can't keep up with them all. I need to go back to keeping up with none.
Let those who stand to suffer from my actions choose to avoid me, or not, as it serves their interest. Let them band together against me and beat me down, if that's what it takes to align my interest with theirs... though it will probably take less than that. I can narrow my emotional horizons, but I can't narrow my intellectual horizons. I know what I know, and I know a fair bit. I can see what's in my interest when it's explained to me: I'm easy to negotiate with. I won't fight tooth and nail to maintain a privilege I don't need. But until someone stands up to me, I'll keep using it... I'm out of the business of acting on imagined resistance. I'm out of the business of transforming my privilege into guilt.
I'm going to celebrate my new-found freedom by watching some porn.
*quoted in Just Food, James E. McWilliams. This quote is quite possibly the simplest and clearest explanation of why free markets are a good thing.