(no subject)

Feb 22, 2010 23:15

Michael stole $40 of mine. Now I will likely overdraft and will not be able to buy my antidepressants. On that note, I feel like I'm slipping and there is no hope. It has ceased to be a dark cloud making me not enjoy things, and devouring my interests, and is now nothing. I don't feel negativity, I don't feel any value in life. I feel so surprised when I feel happy, and I feel like it's just a facade. It never lasts, it always falters. This is the most dangerous I have ever been, because I see life from a distance, like a game, and I don't feel like pain is bad.

Everything that I thought I loved has misled me. My family is quiet and sad. They are weak and they indulge. I have realized that Caitlin is no goddess but a person, and as we interact we do not achieve the holy, but just another broken step towards her realizing that I'm too fucked up. I don't understand how anyone could love me because I am broken. I am a romantic because I want someone to fix me, because I want to put my faith in a person, because everything else fails to fulfill me. But nothing ever does anything, and neither do people.

I need to distance myself from those who I love because when they come close they realize that the only reason I seem so put together is because I'm trying so hard to hold the pieces together.
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