The Cumin Saga (PG-13) [Part 4 of 9]
Title: The Cumin Saga: Attack of the Mutant Zombies
Author: hypercaz
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/Characters: Moist, Penny, Dr Horrible, Billy/Penny, Johnny Snow, Captain Hammer, Splendour, Professor Normal, Conflict Diamond, Gemini
Genre: drama/action/a smattering of humour
Word count: 4988
Summary: 5th in the Cumin Doesn't Quack universe (i.e. Billy and Penny began dating a few weeks before the webisodes).
Moist and Penny become "guests" of the ELE.
AN: Wanda, of course, is neither mine nor Joss Whedon's. Minor minor minor x-over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes people are layered like that. There’s something totally different underneath than what’s on the surface.
And sometimes there’s a third, even deeper level and that one is the same as the top surface one.
- Penny & Dr. Horrible, Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attack of the Mutant Zombies
ACT I - Behind Every Great Man
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The concrete box was large enough for several stallions and radiated a hint of horse dung - all of which would indicate a room previously used for a deposed leader of the Evil League of Evil. Penny did not need to figure this out by guess work; she had been the one, five years ago, to clean the room out for the purpose of supplying a nearby community garden with free fertiliser. Those had been the early days of the new League, when the only members knew her face and appreciated her lettuce sandwiches. The hoses that had lined the walls were gone, leaving crusty holes throughout the fortified room. Penny thought it must have been Bad Horse's bathroom and was probably so well insulated because no one, not even a horse, liked to be caught with their pants down...so to speak.
Whatever it had once been, it was now a prison cell with a tiny naked ceiling light revealing two occupants - one muttering unhappily in the corner and one pacing, wringing her hands.
“Pen, he's not going to come,” warned Moist. “He's probably too busy doing stuff to Professor Normal. Not that I blame him, but uh...yeah, not for the right reasons, you know?”
Penny knotted the edge of her shirt over to one hip. The spat between the two men in her life was starting to make more sense. “Billy didn't tell you, did he? Um, well a League member is supposed to look a certain way or no one will believe that they're evil enough. It's kind of hard to rule the League if you don't kill people, so you pretend. I wrote the press releases.”
“Have you written any of them lately?” Moist asked dourly.
She said nothing. Moist sighed.
Smiling reassuringly at him, Penny folded herself up beside him on the floor and patted his knee. Penny stared down when she felt his dry, coarse palm brush over her knuckles. When their eyes again met - deep, determined green against pale, discreet blue - Penny realised that this man next to her was not the same one who had pointed out a sock in the laundromat yesterday. Maybe he could see something in Billy that she was blind to...
“No,” Penny said firmly. “But that doesn't matter. Billy will come and we'll get out of here.”
“Okay,” said Moist, but his grim expression remained. “What about the rest of the League? Conflict Diamond, yeah, she'd probably kill someone for looking at her wrong but Pi..The Pummeller? What about me? Why didn't you ever write a press release for me?”
Penny bit the inside of her cheek. She did know a lot about the business of the first members of the new League and it was her hand that had turned more than one reputation, but that was in an increasingly distant past. Two years and a little over eight months ago, she'd been the nameless public relations whiz. And then the stick had drawn two pink lines instead of one, so she'd had to make a choice. Telling Billy about the pregnancy had been easy. He had stared at her for a full minute, then he'd started mumbling about how he'd have to pick just the right name so his child would never end up a henchman and finally he'd grinned like a maniac.
The marriage proposal had slipped from his lips. Penny had explained long and hard about why they couldn't do that, mostly because of anonymity and security, and he'd got that. She had made most of the decisions in his plans then, even the set-up of Duly Park. One of her last decisions has been not to include Moist in that particular press release.
“I don't know, Moist,” Penny said.
He turned away, dislodging her hand. “I do. It's because I was wet and useless. And come on...who could blame you? I'm only henchman material, right?”
Flattening her legs and wiggling the toes of her multi-coloured socks, Penny distracted herself from the uncomfortable hollow ache in her stomach. Finally, she told him softly, “Moist, you were there for me. I mean...Billy got really busy, which is fine, and you didn't have to keep your distance. I liked talking to someone. It was actually kind of selfish of me. I'm sorry. And I honestly thought Billy told you about the press releases.”
“I guess running the ELE is harder than it looks, huh,” Moist mused, shifting around to face her again.
Penny crossed her legs and allowed herself to breathe deeply. “Thank you.”
“A lot of this still doesn't make any sense,” he pointed out.
“At Duly Park, I convinced Billy to fake the death - she wasn't even a real person,” Penny explained as tiny fractures lined the skin between her eyes. “It was easy, but it backfired. The Freeze Ray somehow mixed up with the Stun Ray and killed Captain Hammer. But I was the only one who saw him dying in another section of the park. I hid when I heard someone coming and I...I saw Professor Normal. He took the body.”
Moist blinked at her a couple of times. “Uh, you should probably have told someone about that.”
“I know. That was stupid. I was going to defeat him all on my own and prove to Billy that I could be on the League and that we could be together without people knowing...”
“So Professor Normal...”
She webbed her fingers together and set them in her lap, eyes travelling to the furthest corner of the room. “He found out about me because I stole the Stun Ray and tried to get him. It didn't work.”
“Penny,” Moist began, but didn't continue. Penny knew he probably wanted to say she should have gone to someone for help - anyone! But he was too nice for that.
“I'm sorry,” she whispered.
He lifted his shoulders very deliberately into a shrug. “Forget it. Still want to do laundry together?”
“Only if you promise to talk to Billy with me. He'll explain.”
“Sure,” Moist agreed.
Their four walled cage broke as a door open at one end. Penny and Moist both stood up. She took his hand, and smiled at him when she felt the moisture dissipate under her fingers. Three heads entered the room. Conflict Diamond's sunglasses swivelled from one side to the other and a smirk curled onto her face.
“Wow, this is some really bad luck, Moist,” she noted. “The least they could have done was give you some toilet paper. Oh wait, I might have a copy of your newsletter somewhere.”
“Uh, what?” Moist asked, bewildered.
“I used bleach,” Penny murmured.
A nail bearing more resemblance to a scimitar hooked towards them and Conflict Diamond snapped, “You've got a meeting with our delusional leader. If he thinks I have enough time to hang around with all the pussies in this building...well, I don't mean you, Penny. Nice shirt.”
Penny realised that Moist had fallen quiet, his eyes drawn to the menacing bulk behind Conflict Diamond's left. The two heads were the obvious giveaway, but to Penny it was the matching brass knuckles, the belt riddled with melted bullets and the ensuing thrill of terror that signalled the arrival of Gemini. She'd met the ELE's heavy-weight killer a few times, but Billy had forbidden her from ever being within a few metres of the monstrosity. Penny had wondered if he was trying to keep secrets at the time, but it hadn't taken her long to realise that anyone who got too close to Gemini ended up with a slug in their cranium.
“Horrible should let me kill both of you,” he grunted.
“Now, now, you're getting half of your wish aren't you?” Conflict Diamond chortled.
Moist and Penny exchanged glances. She stepped forward and pulled him with her.
“Just the girl,” Gemini rasped.
A steadily moistening hand clenched hard over her fingers. Penny easily wrested away from her friend's grip and whispered, “I'll be fine.”
Conflict Diamond looped her arm through Penny's and began leading her out like they were girlfriends on a shopping trip. As her feet hit the corridor outside, Penny quickly darted a look back at Moist. He was flat against the wall, eyeing the two heads that were bobbing steadily closer to him. Penny opened her mouth, but he shook his head.
“I'll be fine,” Moist lied.
Penny held up her hand in a little wave as a slab of grey eclipsed the door frame.
“That slimeball will make a nice paste, but I'm not going to spread him on my crumpet,” Conflict Diamond observed.
Penny followed the villainess, forcing herself not to look back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Smoke rose above the line of buildings directly opposite the apartment, throwing out tendrils in every direction. An orange glow peeked around each plume. Wanda Plenn straightened sides of her grey tank top and wrenched back her wet hair into a stubby ponytail. She nearly jumped out of her skin when a helicopter roared into view, dipping low as whatever daring reporter braving a fine from the police hung out with a microphone and shouted dire commentary into the ears of the eager masses, living or otherwise.
The espresso machine trilled. Wanda attended to it.
“Why did it have to be my apartment?” she demanded.
Johnny Snow carefully balanced the toddler on the edge of the recliner, settling cushions around her, making sure his fingers never came into contact with the girl's bright floral attire which was mercifully not ruffly but the print could not be excused. Billie frowned uncertainly at him. Johnny pulled a face back at her.
“Don't you have ovaries?” Captain Hammer answered. He lowered a gloved finger between Billie's eyes, then snatched it back when she refused to go cross-eyed.
Wanda set down three mugs of Russian white-chocolate coffee and made sure that Captain Hammer saw her eyes roll up to the heavens. “I hate to disappoint anyone, but I haven't ever had the time to have children. Nor have I found anyone in particular to do it with.”
“I'd do it with you,” Johnny said happily.
“Should I be apologising?” Captain Hammer put forward civilly, but was largely ignored.
Wanda sighed. “Damn it, Johnny. If I felt something for you, I would have said something by now. You will probably regret all of this once your adrenaline levels sap themselves dry.”
The icy hero beamed. “That time is not yet.”
“Uh, so...there's a baby,” Captain Hammer reminded everyone.
“Your skills of observation astound me,” Wanda deadpanned, but her uncertain scowl was not directed at her colleague. “What are we going to do with her? The Guild is compromised, everyone we know is MIA and I don't even know the girl's name.”
“Spawn of Satan?” Captain Hammer supplied.
“No way, she doesn't look anything like Doctor Horrible,” Johnny said, quickly leaning over to cover the girl's ears with his hands.
“Johnny's got a point, Hammer,” Wanda conceded, holding up a hand when her admirer brightened. “Stop. Just stop. We've got bigger problems than this girl. We've heard nothing from the Council of Champions in hours and Professor Normal has got himself into the ELE headquarters and somehow I don't think he did it for the friendly service.”
“How is that our problem?” Hammer asked, narrowing his eyes.
Wanda walked over to her boxy TV and switched it on. Instantly, the room became crowded with noisy reporters hurriedly trying to press fear and panic into their viewers by showing the same three angles of the still smouldering ruins of the Heroes Guild headquarters, interspersed with clips of rampaging zombies. They were mowed down with LAPD bullets soon enough, but it was the lines of marching zombies (one was even beating a drum!) calmly staging their undead protest that worried Wanda even more. Especially when they broke rank and started grappling with police like they were uniformed dolls.
“That will take ten minutes, tops, with these babies.” Captain Hammer held up his fists for emphasis. “Except, not that baby. Just these two.”
Johnny Snow snorted. “The door's unlocked so go for it.”
Static scribbled over the television set, settling when the two local anchors appeared, shuffling sheafs of paper and using their best doom and gloom faces. The female anchor was wearing black.
“...they appear to be converging on a decrepit mansion on the outskirts of town,” her co-anchor informed his viewers with a straight set to his mouth.
The woman nodded at this. “According to our sources, that building is condemned. Maybe they're doing us a favour and demolishing it pro bono publico.”
“I don't know what that means,” her colleague said, “but it sounds like we could all learn something from their example.”
Wanda turned the set off. Captain Hammer squeezed himself between Billie and the edge of Wanda's tiny lounge. He chuckled heartily. “Sounds like they're gunning for the ELE. Not a bad day's work, even if they are dead people.”
“Once they're done with the ELE, it's likely they'll turn on everyone else.” Wanda drew a breath. “We need to help the Evil League of Evil.”
It wasn't the most unpopular statement ever made in history, but it probably ranked up there somewhere. Splendour swallowed her laugh at the horrified expressions on her colleagues' faces, then retrieved her spare outfit - one mercifully unsullied by brain matter and sparkly sequins.
Johnny meanwhile attempted to catch the toddler's attention. He pointed at himself and said loudly, “John. Ee. Johnny.”
The girl's face crinkled in an unsatisfactory manner. “Billie. Bill. Ee.”
“Girls mature faster, Johnny,” Wanda lobbed at him, grinning only briefly as she walked back into the room, adjusting her outfit. “Hello, Billie. I'm Wanda. Moist wants us to keep you safe.”
“Mos okay?” Billie asked, frowning.
“If he's not right now, then he will be - I promise, sweetheart. We'll leave someone to look after you.”
“You heard Doctor Horrible - she's not worth any leverage,” warned Johnny.
“God, Johnny, that's not what I meant. I'm not going to ransom the poor girl. What do you think is more important to the Evil League of Evil right now?”
“Anarchy, looting, media representation...” rattled off Captain Hammer. “Oh and maybe that Professor guy, but I don't...”
“Head of the class, Hammer,” Wanda congratulated. The hero stared at her while part of his brain worked through what she had said. Splendour continued, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend. I'm not expecting any white flags at the end of it.”
“I'll stay with Billie,” Johnny decided.
“Why does he get to stay?” Captain Hammer demanded.
Wanda focused on Johnny. “Status of the Ice Beam?”
“Totalled. And the pen-beam is a heap of scrap. I'm sorry, I cannot follow the love of my life into battle.”
Captain Hammer raised a hand. “I haven't got anyone to iron my shirt...”
The slap on his shoulder hurt Wanda a lot more than it did him, but he darted away from the lounge, rubbing the offending spot. She smiled exasperatedly. “Hammer, listen to me. You fought down a hundred zombies last night. Sure, you broke a sweat but that doesn't matter. Because we got through the door. There's no one else I'd rather have watching my back.”
“Ditto,” Johnny added. “You can even take most of the credit.”
“Well, I...” Hammer looked dazed.
Wanda clasped her hands behind her back and stretched her arms up over her head. She shook herself out and sternly told her team mate, “You better not slow me down.”
“No problem,” the hero announced, somehow managing to flex the corded muscles in his neck in an entirely inappropriate manner. He gamely threw himself out the window and bounded down half the street without so much as bending his knees.
Splendour looked back at Johnny. “I don't love you.”
Johnny shrugged. “I know.”
Her salute was the last thing that remained in the room before she disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Penny fiddled with the rampant creases spidering out from the hem of her shirt. The metal chair she was sitting in reminded her uncannily of a dentist's office and she expected the back of it to start sliding towards the ground, angling her teeth towards a man with a drill. The chair opposite her looked far less comfortable, though the spikes running down either side may have had something to do with that.
“So...are you okay? I mean, of course you're okay...you always are, but...” Penny paused and found that she could not continue. Moist's words trickled back into her ears. She shut out his voice. “I was going to apply for the League. But everything happened.”
A black glove floated from the arm rest to latch around the googles, easing them up off the face of the notorious Doctor Horrible. Purple rings spread from beneath his eyes, murky in the shadows of the room. Silently, he watched her, hand resuming its lifeless position by his side. Penny smiled bravely. “Billy, I should have told you this before, but Captain Hammer is dead. I saw it happen. I just didn't...want you to know what you'd done, because I thought it might turn you into something that neither of us want.”
“Too late,” he said simply.
“But you don't mean that,” Penny insisted.
He stared at her again, a ghost of light returning to his eyes. Warm relief seeded in her stomach and Penny escaped the chair, sweeping over to throw her arms around him. She drew back at arm's length, scanning his distant expression. “You're so thin. Have you been eating anything?”
“The curry house doesn't exactly deliver to the Evil League of Evil, you know,” he told her quietly.
“You could have told me. I can bring you some...and I'll bring Billie. It's been six months.”
Doctor Horrible blinked so slowly it almost appeared that he had drifted away. “Has it.”
Fighting to keep her forehead uncreased, Penny took hold of the hand nearest her and worked the glove off. Limp, pale fingers fell away from the glove and she wrapped her hands around his, rubbing his clammy palm to warm up his skin. One deep, laboured breath hissed between his teeth.
“I know you've got other things on your mind,” Penny continued, shifting slightly to the right to catch his gaze again. “But you could at least...tell me what's going on with Professor Normal. You haven't...killed him have you?”
Dark chasmic ice now glinted in his eyes. She set his hand back on the armrest, carefully lining up his arm so that it did not brush any of the spikes. Penny waited. Another heavy sigh left him, but he swallowed it sharply.
“Your concern is touching,” Doctor Horrible sneered, stuffing his hand back into the glove. “No, I have not. Yet. It's not a moral dilemma, merely a matter of timing. He wouldn't be the first person I've killed. I'm the head of the ELE. It's supposed to be bloody.”
Penny sat back onto her bent legs and studied the base of his chair for a moment. “But it's not.”
“I'll let you go, but you need to get out of town or something. I can't be responsible for you.”
“What about Moist?” she asked, wondering why she had never scrubbed each and every floor personally. The floorboards bore stains older than her high school history teacher.
“Henchman. Expendable. There are others who can run the Union.”
“But he's your best friend,” Penny pressed. Someone had scratched a skull and crossbones to the left of the chair.
His voice levelled back into a bland tone. “If definition of friend is someone you don't need, then I suppose you can label him that way. Society is all about labels. There needs to be less labels.”
“But...” Penny glanced up. “What about 'girlfriend' and 'daughter'?”
“I fail to see the connection of those words to me,” he said, unconcerned.
She imagined briefly, desperately, that she had heard something else, but her eyes burned. Penny stood, leaning forward to touch his shoulder, but he merely shrugged to loosen her grip. Hesitantly, she considered a kiss, but she was afraid of how his lips would feel.
“I love you,” she said loudly. He winced. “Billy, did you hear me?”
“I don't know who you are talking about.”
Penny steadied her mouth long enough to form a smile. “This is because everyone knows now, isn't it? You're protecting me.”
“Label it however you like. Get out of LA. I can't see you again.”
“We can fix this. We can make a difference. Social change...”
His glove extended, palm up. A quarter shone dully in the shadows. Penny rested her hand over his, feeling the cool circle against her own palm.
“Keep it,” he said. “That's the only change I've got. You know what? I don't want to see you again. You just ruin everything. I should have done this ages ago.”
Penny leaned in and kissed him gently. He made no move to respond or to discourage her. It was like kissing granite.
“Goodbye, Billy,” she murmured.
One foot in front of the other. Penny wished she hadn't worn shoes with a plastic tip on the heel, because the double tap of her feet grated on the silence. She avoided looking at Conflict Diamond as the other woman passed her on the way in.
Conflict Diamond repaid this in kind with a nonchalant shake of her head. She gestured over her shoulder at the re-sealed door. “Want me to call Purple Pimp to take her home?”
“Why?” Doctor Horrible snapped.
“Don't know if you've noticed, but the mutant zombies seem to be craving our flesh. Otherwise they'd be making a beeline for City Hall instead of our not-so-secret base, right?”
“The woman is not my problem.”
“Wow.” Conflict Diamond tipped her sunglasses off the black-contacts swallowing all colour in her eyes to appraise the villain. “Cold. I like it.”
“Did I ask your opinion?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cold, nauseating sludge seated itself at the back of Penny's throat as she stood in a corridor lit only by a smashed wall fixture. The wallpaper had once been green-brown, perhaps imitation wooden panelling, but now it was so ripped and worn that it was only classy enough for a train station bathroom. She remembered trying to convince Billy to invest in new wallpaper, but it had been one suggestion too far.
Ambience is important, ya know, he'd insisted.
“Right,” Penny muttered.
Her first instinct was to hunt down the heroes in possession of her daughter and beat the crap out of Captain Hammer, except not only did she not have any money for taxi, she couldn't exactly do any damage to the clone. He felt pain, so that was something. A dark, nasty thought occurred to Penny regarding eternal pain but she swept it aside.
“Well, okay,” she said. More nonsense. “So I should get Moist before I do that. Since he might...know where to go...where am I supposed to go? Head up, Penny, you can do this.”
“Or you could listen to my brilliant, if unappreciated, idea,” announced Professor Normal from two metres away.
Penny gasped and lifted her fists to start whacking his vested chest, but he sidestepped and brushed down his clothing to resettle the fabric after the turbulence. She floundered to the floor, scraping her hands on a few nails that rose out of the floorboards, then struck out one red pump to pinch the villain's ankle. A bionic arm swung back in response. Penny wriggled in reverse across the floor and managed to catch the whirring fingers of his arm as gravity accelerated its fall towards her.
Her hand arched backwards painfully when he clamped down hard. Two metallic fingers ringed her wrist and squeezed. Penny gnawed the inside of her cheek to keep from giving him the satisfaction of crying out.
“You really should consider replacement limbs,” the villain told her, leaning over so that his goggles eclipsed all else. “Truly remarkable strength capabilities.”
“How did you get out?” Penny forced out between her teeth.
Stepping back and dragging her a few paces across the dusty floor, Professor Normal scanned the walls, his cheeks tightening until he nodded to himself, seemingly assured that no one was listening. He told her with all the interest of a man watching mould grow, “Ordinarily, I might indulge your curiosity, but you already know too much about me, Miss Claybourne - oh yes, I know your name. Ah, but the brilliance...the imposters will be far too occupied with the outside threat to check within their own walls.” He stopped, suddenly taking note of her intent silence. “There is a question you should answer, if you will indulge me, my dear. How is it that the usurper's whore discovered my laboratory?”
Penny lurched forward and managed to lift one knee, putting it out in front of her to give her some leverage as he wrenched her wrist upwards. She stared into his goggles and masked her shudder as she answered, “I followed you.”
“Interesting,” he said, slapping just below her knee. Penny's knee collapsed under her body's reflexive response. A long gasp drew its way out of her. His lips formed a satisfied smirk. “I believe you and the Doctor are experiencing difficulties. Might I offer my suggestion or you do wish me to separate your arm from its socket?”
“I nearly got you once,” Penny reminded him. “I can...try again.”
“And fail again, as you are unarmed this time.”
Barbs of pain shot through her fingers to her elbow when he jerked her to one side. Penny felt her face contort, but managed she bite out, “What do you want?”
“Lower interest rates,” he revealed mournfully. “And Doctor Horrible in an unguarded moment resulting in my fist slowly crunching his neck into a pencil.”
“You're sick,” she said, seeing multiple copies of the Professor as her vision wobbled. The pain was gone suddenly, and this should have worried her, but she was focusing on that same stupid ripped section of the wall that she was still itching to fix.
“Oh no, I am quite healthy,” Professor Normal assured her. “Much healthier than my minions who are biding their time around us. So my dear...what is it to be? Will you hold the horrible Doctor down for me?”
Penny hesitated. “What about my daughter?”
“Immaterial to my plans. You may do with her as you will. That is, if the very helpful Captain Hammer has left any morsels for you to save. I wired him exceptionally well.”
“Can't he feel pain, though?” she pointed out. “That's kind of a side effect.”
The fingers of his bionic arm suddenly opened, causing her to fall backwards. An ache stretched through the tendons of her arm and Penny rubbed her wrist fervently. She sat up, watching him. He looked quizzical. “Should this side effect concern me?”
Penny planted her hands on the floor in front of her, pushing herself up onto her knees, then her feet. Clutching her sore arm, she leaned against the closest wall and took deep breaths, forcing her mind to forget the pain and her fear. Penny stared right at the villain. “Okay. I've made my decision.”
“What is that, my dear?” he enquired jovially.
“I'm going to need some help. I'm not getting it from you, but it was nice of you to offer, don't get me wrong.”
“A shame,” he mused. “Your brain would have made a fine addition. Now I will have to crush it.”
But Penny's eyes were no longer on him.
Heavy fists, encased in glossy brown boxing gloves, fell onto Professor Normal's shoulders. The villain went still.
“Got any of those famous lettuce sandwiches?” the newcomer asked.
“If you get us out of here, I will make you a dozen,” Penny promised. “With extra lettuce.”
A broad grin spread on The Pummeller's even broader face.
Then Professor Normal socked him in the gut with that unyielding bionic arm. Penny's rescuer doubled over wheezing. As the deluded scientist leaned in to finish the job, The Pummeller, still looking bizarrely cheerful, wound back one fist and pounded it with the force of a sledgehammer falling off a ten storey building into Professor Normal's solar plexus. One villain went flying down the corridor into a dead end.
“You are about to get pummelled!” howled The Pummeller.
Professor Normal hurled himself against the wall and promptly vanished into a secret hatch.
“Oops, never mind,” The Pummeller rejoined, his grin turning sheepish. “Do I still get those sandwiches?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AN: I'm hoping this doesn't come off as incredibly OOC. One of the biggest difficulties I've had so far with this fanfic is jumping ahead five years and showing the progression characters have made “off-screen” but still relating them back to what they were.
Author: hypercaz
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/Characters: Moist, Penny, Dr Horrible, Billy/Penny, Johnny Snow, Captain Hammer, Splendour, Professor Normal, Conflict Diamond, Gemini
Genre: drama/action/a smattering of humour
Word count: 4988
Summary: 5th in the Cumin Doesn't Quack universe (i.e. Billy and Penny began dating a few weeks before the webisodes).
Moist and Penny become "guests" of the ELE.
AN: Wanda, of course, is neither mine nor Joss Whedon's. Minor minor minor x-over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes people are layered like that. There’s something totally different underneath than what’s on the surface.
And sometimes there’s a third, even deeper level and that one is the same as the top surface one.
- Penny & Dr. Horrible, Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attack of the Mutant Zombies
ACT I - Behind Every Great Man
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The concrete box was large enough for several stallions and radiated a hint of horse dung - all of which would indicate a room previously used for a deposed leader of the Evil League of Evil. Penny did not need to figure this out by guess work; she had been the one, five years ago, to clean the room out for the purpose of supplying a nearby community garden with free fertiliser. Those had been the early days of the new League, when the only members knew her face and appreciated her lettuce sandwiches. The hoses that had lined the walls were gone, leaving crusty holes throughout the fortified room. Penny thought it must have been Bad Horse's bathroom and was probably so well insulated because no one, not even a horse, liked to be caught with their pants down...so to speak.
Whatever it had once been, it was now a prison cell with a tiny naked ceiling light revealing two occupants - one muttering unhappily in the corner and one pacing, wringing her hands.
“Pen, he's not going to come,” warned Moist. “He's probably too busy doing stuff to Professor Normal. Not that I blame him, but uh...yeah, not for the right reasons, you know?”
Penny knotted the edge of her shirt over to one hip. The spat between the two men in her life was starting to make more sense. “Billy didn't tell you, did he? Um, well a League member is supposed to look a certain way or no one will believe that they're evil enough. It's kind of hard to rule the League if you don't kill people, so you pretend. I wrote the press releases.”
“Have you written any of them lately?” Moist asked dourly.
She said nothing. Moist sighed.
Smiling reassuringly at him, Penny folded herself up beside him on the floor and patted his knee. Penny stared down when she felt his dry, coarse palm brush over her knuckles. When their eyes again met - deep, determined green against pale, discreet blue - Penny realised that this man next to her was not the same one who had pointed out a sock in the laundromat yesterday. Maybe he could see something in Billy that she was blind to...
“No,” Penny said firmly. “But that doesn't matter. Billy will come and we'll get out of here.”
“Okay,” said Moist, but his grim expression remained. “What about the rest of the League? Conflict Diamond, yeah, she'd probably kill someone for looking at her wrong but Pi..The Pummeller? What about me? Why didn't you ever write a press release for me?”
Penny bit the inside of her cheek. She did know a lot about the business of the first members of the new League and it was her hand that had turned more than one reputation, but that was in an increasingly distant past. Two years and a little over eight months ago, she'd been the nameless public relations whiz. And then the stick had drawn two pink lines instead of one, so she'd had to make a choice. Telling Billy about the pregnancy had been easy. He had stared at her for a full minute, then he'd started mumbling about how he'd have to pick just the right name so his child would never end up a henchman and finally he'd grinned like a maniac.
The marriage proposal had slipped from his lips. Penny had explained long and hard about why they couldn't do that, mostly because of anonymity and security, and he'd got that. She had made most of the decisions in his plans then, even the set-up of Duly Park. One of her last decisions has been not to include Moist in that particular press release.
“I don't know, Moist,” Penny said.
He turned away, dislodging her hand. “I do. It's because I was wet and useless. And come on...who could blame you? I'm only henchman material, right?”
Flattening her legs and wiggling the toes of her multi-coloured socks, Penny distracted herself from the uncomfortable hollow ache in her stomach. Finally, she told him softly, “Moist, you were there for me. I mean...Billy got really busy, which is fine, and you didn't have to keep your distance. I liked talking to someone. It was actually kind of selfish of me. I'm sorry. And I honestly thought Billy told you about the press releases.”
“I guess running the ELE is harder than it looks, huh,” Moist mused, shifting around to face her again.
Penny crossed her legs and allowed herself to breathe deeply. “Thank you.”
“A lot of this still doesn't make any sense,” he pointed out.
“At Duly Park, I convinced Billy to fake the death - she wasn't even a real person,” Penny explained as tiny fractures lined the skin between her eyes. “It was easy, but it backfired. The Freeze Ray somehow mixed up with the Stun Ray and killed Captain Hammer. But I was the only one who saw him dying in another section of the park. I hid when I heard someone coming and I...I saw Professor Normal. He took the body.”
Moist blinked at her a couple of times. “Uh, you should probably have told someone about that.”
“I know. That was stupid. I was going to defeat him all on my own and prove to Billy that I could be on the League and that we could be together without people knowing...”
“So Professor Normal...”
She webbed her fingers together and set them in her lap, eyes travelling to the furthest corner of the room. “He found out about me because I stole the Stun Ray and tried to get him. It didn't work.”
“Penny,” Moist began, but didn't continue. Penny knew he probably wanted to say she should have gone to someone for help - anyone! But he was too nice for that.
“I'm sorry,” she whispered.
He lifted his shoulders very deliberately into a shrug. “Forget it. Still want to do laundry together?”
“Only if you promise to talk to Billy with me. He'll explain.”
“Sure,” Moist agreed.
Their four walled cage broke as a door open at one end. Penny and Moist both stood up. She took his hand, and smiled at him when she felt the moisture dissipate under her fingers. Three heads entered the room. Conflict Diamond's sunglasses swivelled from one side to the other and a smirk curled onto her face.
“Wow, this is some really bad luck, Moist,” she noted. “The least they could have done was give you some toilet paper. Oh wait, I might have a copy of your newsletter somewhere.”
“Uh, what?” Moist asked, bewildered.
“I used bleach,” Penny murmured.
A nail bearing more resemblance to a scimitar hooked towards them and Conflict Diamond snapped, “You've got a meeting with our delusional leader. If he thinks I have enough time to hang around with all the pussies in this building...well, I don't mean you, Penny. Nice shirt.”
Penny realised that Moist had fallen quiet, his eyes drawn to the menacing bulk behind Conflict Diamond's left. The two heads were the obvious giveaway, but to Penny it was the matching brass knuckles, the belt riddled with melted bullets and the ensuing thrill of terror that signalled the arrival of Gemini. She'd met the ELE's heavy-weight killer a few times, but Billy had forbidden her from ever being within a few metres of the monstrosity. Penny had wondered if he was trying to keep secrets at the time, but it hadn't taken her long to realise that anyone who got too close to Gemini ended up with a slug in their cranium.
“Horrible should let me kill both of you,” he grunted.
“Now, now, you're getting half of your wish aren't you?” Conflict Diamond chortled.
Moist and Penny exchanged glances. She stepped forward and pulled him with her.
“Just the girl,” Gemini rasped.
A steadily moistening hand clenched hard over her fingers. Penny easily wrested away from her friend's grip and whispered, “I'll be fine.”
Conflict Diamond looped her arm through Penny's and began leading her out like they were girlfriends on a shopping trip. As her feet hit the corridor outside, Penny quickly darted a look back at Moist. He was flat against the wall, eyeing the two heads that were bobbing steadily closer to him. Penny opened her mouth, but he shook his head.
“I'll be fine,” Moist lied.
Penny held up her hand in a little wave as a slab of grey eclipsed the door frame.
“That slimeball will make a nice paste, but I'm not going to spread him on my crumpet,” Conflict Diamond observed.
Penny followed the villainess, forcing herself not to look back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Smoke rose above the line of buildings directly opposite the apartment, throwing out tendrils in every direction. An orange glow peeked around each plume. Wanda Plenn straightened sides of her grey tank top and wrenched back her wet hair into a stubby ponytail. She nearly jumped out of her skin when a helicopter roared into view, dipping low as whatever daring reporter braving a fine from the police hung out with a microphone and shouted dire commentary into the ears of the eager masses, living or otherwise.
The espresso machine trilled. Wanda attended to it.
“Why did it have to be my apartment?” she demanded.
Johnny Snow carefully balanced the toddler on the edge of the recliner, settling cushions around her, making sure his fingers never came into contact with the girl's bright floral attire which was mercifully not ruffly but the print could not be excused. Billie frowned uncertainly at him. Johnny pulled a face back at her.
“Don't you have ovaries?” Captain Hammer answered. He lowered a gloved finger between Billie's eyes, then snatched it back when she refused to go cross-eyed.
Wanda set down three mugs of Russian white-chocolate coffee and made sure that Captain Hammer saw her eyes roll up to the heavens. “I hate to disappoint anyone, but I haven't ever had the time to have children. Nor have I found anyone in particular to do it with.”
“I'd do it with you,” Johnny said happily.
“Should I be apologising?” Captain Hammer put forward civilly, but was largely ignored.
Wanda sighed. “Damn it, Johnny. If I felt something for you, I would have said something by now. You will probably regret all of this once your adrenaline levels sap themselves dry.”
The icy hero beamed. “That time is not yet.”
“Uh, so...there's a baby,” Captain Hammer reminded everyone.
“Your skills of observation astound me,” Wanda deadpanned, but her uncertain scowl was not directed at her colleague. “What are we going to do with her? The Guild is compromised, everyone we know is MIA and I don't even know the girl's name.”
“Spawn of Satan?” Captain Hammer supplied.
“No way, she doesn't look anything like Doctor Horrible,” Johnny said, quickly leaning over to cover the girl's ears with his hands.
“Johnny's got a point, Hammer,” Wanda conceded, holding up a hand when her admirer brightened. “Stop. Just stop. We've got bigger problems than this girl. We've heard nothing from the Council of Champions in hours and Professor Normal has got himself into the ELE headquarters and somehow I don't think he did it for the friendly service.”
“How is that our problem?” Hammer asked, narrowing his eyes.
Wanda walked over to her boxy TV and switched it on. Instantly, the room became crowded with noisy reporters hurriedly trying to press fear and panic into their viewers by showing the same three angles of the still smouldering ruins of the Heroes Guild headquarters, interspersed with clips of rampaging zombies. They were mowed down with LAPD bullets soon enough, but it was the lines of marching zombies (one was even beating a drum!) calmly staging their undead protest that worried Wanda even more. Especially when they broke rank and started grappling with police like they were uniformed dolls.
“That will take ten minutes, tops, with these babies.” Captain Hammer held up his fists for emphasis. “Except, not that baby. Just these two.”
Johnny Snow snorted. “The door's unlocked so go for it.”
Static scribbled over the television set, settling when the two local anchors appeared, shuffling sheafs of paper and using their best doom and gloom faces. The female anchor was wearing black.
“...they appear to be converging on a decrepit mansion on the outskirts of town,” her co-anchor informed his viewers with a straight set to his mouth.
The woman nodded at this. “According to our sources, that building is condemned. Maybe they're doing us a favour and demolishing it pro bono publico.”
“I don't know what that means,” her colleague said, “but it sounds like we could all learn something from their example.”
Wanda turned the set off. Captain Hammer squeezed himself between Billie and the edge of Wanda's tiny lounge. He chuckled heartily. “Sounds like they're gunning for the ELE. Not a bad day's work, even if they are dead people.”
“Once they're done with the ELE, it's likely they'll turn on everyone else.” Wanda drew a breath. “We need to help the Evil League of Evil.”
It wasn't the most unpopular statement ever made in history, but it probably ranked up there somewhere. Splendour swallowed her laugh at the horrified expressions on her colleagues' faces, then retrieved her spare outfit - one mercifully unsullied by brain matter and sparkly sequins.
Johnny meanwhile attempted to catch the toddler's attention. He pointed at himself and said loudly, “John. Ee. Johnny.”
The girl's face crinkled in an unsatisfactory manner. “Billie. Bill. Ee.”
“Girls mature faster, Johnny,” Wanda lobbed at him, grinning only briefly as she walked back into the room, adjusting her outfit. “Hello, Billie. I'm Wanda. Moist wants us to keep you safe.”
“Mos okay?” Billie asked, frowning.
“If he's not right now, then he will be - I promise, sweetheart. We'll leave someone to look after you.”
“You heard Doctor Horrible - she's not worth any leverage,” warned Johnny.
“God, Johnny, that's not what I meant. I'm not going to ransom the poor girl. What do you think is more important to the Evil League of Evil right now?”
“Anarchy, looting, media representation...” rattled off Captain Hammer. “Oh and maybe that Professor guy, but I don't...”
“Head of the class, Hammer,” Wanda congratulated. The hero stared at her while part of his brain worked through what she had said. Splendour continued, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend. I'm not expecting any white flags at the end of it.”
“I'll stay with Billie,” Johnny decided.
“Why does he get to stay?” Captain Hammer demanded.
Wanda focused on Johnny. “Status of the Ice Beam?”
“Totalled. And the pen-beam is a heap of scrap. I'm sorry, I cannot follow the love of my life into battle.”
Captain Hammer raised a hand. “I haven't got anyone to iron my shirt...”
The slap on his shoulder hurt Wanda a lot more than it did him, but he darted away from the lounge, rubbing the offending spot. She smiled exasperatedly. “Hammer, listen to me. You fought down a hundred zombies last night. Sure, you broke a sweat but that doesn't matter. Because we got through the door. There's no one else I'd rather have watching my back.”
“Ditto,” Johnny added. “You can even take most of the credit.”
“Well, I...” Hammer looked dazed.
Wanda clasped her hands behind her back and stretched her arms up over her head. She shook herself out and sternly told her team mate, “You better not slow me down.”
“No problem,” the hero announced, somehow managing to flex the corded muscles in his neck in an entirely inappropriate manner. He gamely threw himself out the window and bounded down half the street without so much as bending his knees.
Splendour looked back at Johnny. “I don't love you.”
Johnny shrugged. “I know.”
Her salute was the last thing that remained in the room before she disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Penny fiddled with the rampant creases spidering out from the hem of her shirt. The metal chair she was sitting in reminded her uncannily of a dentist's office and she expected the back of it to start sliding towards the ground, angling her teeth towards a man with a drill. The chair opposite her looked far less comfortable, though the spikes running down either side may have had something to do with that.
“So...are you okay? I mean, of course you're okay...you always are, but...” Penny paused and found that she could not continue. Moist's words trickled back into her ears. She shut out his voice. “I was going to apply for the League. But everything happened.”
A black glove floated from the arm rest to latch around the googles, easing them up off the face of the notorious Doctor Horrible. Purple rings spread from beneath his eyes, murky in the shadows of the room. Silently, he watched her, hand resuming its lifeless position by his side. Penny smiled bravely. “Billy, I should have told you this before, but Captain Hammer is dead. I saw it happen. I just didn't...want you to know what you'd done, because I thought it might turn you into something that neither of us want.”
“Too late,” he said simply.
“But you don't mean that,” Penny insisted.
He stared at her again, a ghost of light returning to his eyes. Warm relief seeded in her stomach and Penny escaped the chair, sweeping over to throw her arms around him. She drew back at arm's length, scanning his distant expression. “You're so thin. Have you been eating anything?”
“The curry house doesn't exactly deliver to the Evil League of Evil, you know,” he told her quietly.
“You could have told me. I can bring you some...and I'll bring Billie. It's been six months.”
Doctor Horrible blinked so slowly it almost appeared that he had drifted away. “Has it.”
Fighting to keep her forehead uncreased, Penny took hold of the hand nearest her and worked the glove off. Limp, pale fingers fell away from the glove and she wrapped her hands around his, rubbing his clammy palm to warm up his skin. One deep, laboured breath hissed between his teeth.
“I know you've got other things on your mind,” Penny continued, shifting slightly to the right to catch his gaze again. “But you could at least...tell me what's going on with Professor Normal. You haven't...killed him have you?”
Dark chasmic ice now glinted in his eyes. She set his hand back on the armrest, carefully lining up his arm so that it did not brush any of the spikes. Penny waited. Another heavy sigh left him, but he swallowed it sharply.
“Your concern is touching,” Doctor Horrible sneered, stuffing his hand back into the glove. “No, I have not. Yet. It's not a moral dilemma, merely a matter of timing. He wouldn't be the first person I've killed. I'm the head of the ELE. It's supposed to be bloody.”
Penny sat back onto her bent legs and studied the base of his chair for a moment. “But it's not.”
“I'll let you go, but you need to get out of town or something. I can't be responsible for you.”
“What about Moist?” she asked, wondering why she had never scrubbed each and every floor personally. The floorboards bore stains older than her high school history teacher.
“Henchman. Expendable. There are others who can run the Union.”
“But he's your best friend,” Penny pressed. Someone had scratched a skull and crossbones to the left of the chair.
His voice levelled back into a bland tone. “If definition of friend is someone you don't need, then I suppose you can label him that way. Society is all about labels. There needs to be less labels.”
“But...” Penny glanced up. “What about 'girlfriend' and 'daughter'?”
“I fail to see the connection of those words to me,” he said, unconcerned.
She imagined briefly, desperately, that she had heard something else, but her eyes burned. Penny stood, leaning forward to touch his shoulder, but he merely shrugged to loosen her grip. Hesitantly, she considered a kiss, but she was afraid of how his lips would feel.
“I love you,” she said loudly. He winced. “Billy, did you hear me?”
“I don't know who you are talking about.”
Penny steadied her mouth long enough to form a smile. “This is because everyone knows now, isn't it? You're protecting me.”
“Label it however you like. Get out of LA. I can't see you again.”
“We can fix this. We can make a difference. Social change...”
His glove extended, palm up. A quarter shone dully in the shadows. Penny rested her hand over his, feeling the cool circle against her own palm.
“Keep it,” he said. “That's the only change I've got. You know what? I don't want to see you again. You just ruin everything. I should have done this ages ago.”
Penny leaned in and kissed him gently. He made no move to respond or to discourage her. It was like kissing granite.
“Goodbye, Billy,” she murmured.
One foot in front of the other. Penny wished she hadn't worn shoes with a plastic tip on the heel, because the double tap of her feet grated on the silence. She avoided looking at Conflict Diamond as the other woman passed her on the way in.
Conflict Diamond repaid this in kind with a nonchalant shake of her head. She gestured over her shoulder at the re-sealed door. “Want me to call Purple Pimp to take her home?”
“Why?” Doctor Horrible snapped.
“Don't know if you've noticed, but the mutant zombies seem to be craving our flesh. Otherwise they'd be making a beeline for City Hall instead of our not-so-secret base, right?”
“The woman is not my problem.”
“Wow.” Conflict Diamond tipped her sunglasses off the black-contacts swallowing all colour in her eyes to appraise the villain. “Cold. I like it.”
“Did I ask your opinion?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cold, nauseating sludge seated itself at the back of Penny's throat as she stood in a corridor lit only by a smashed wall fixture. The wallpaper had once been green-brown, perhaps imitation wooden panelling, but now it was so ripped and worn that it was only classy enough for a train station bathroom. She remembered trying to convince Billy to invest in new wallpaper, but it had been one suggestion too far.
Ambience is important, ya know, he'd insisted.
“Right,” Penny muttered.
Her first instinct was to hunt down the heroes in possession of her daughter and beat the crap out of Captain Hammer, except not only did she not have any money for taxi, she couldn't exactly do any damage to the clone. He felt pain, so that was something. A dark, nasty thought occurred to Penny regarding eternal pain but she swept it aside.
“Well, okay,” she said. More nonsense. “So I should get Moist before I do that. Since he might...know where to go...where am I supposed to go? Head up, Penny, you can do this.”
“Or you could listen to my brilliant, if unappreciated, idea,” announced Professor Normal from two metres away.
Penny gasped and lifted her fists to start whacking his vested chest, but he sidestepped and brushed down his clothing to resettle the fabric after the turbulence. She floundered to the floor, scraping her hands on a few nails that rose out of the floorboards, then struck out one red pump to pinch the villain's ankle. A bionic arm swung back in response. Penny wriggled in reverse across the floor and managed to catch the whirring fingers of his arm as gravity accelerated its fall towards her.
Her hand arched backwards painfully when he clamped down hard. Two metallic fingers ringed her wrist and squeezed. Penny gnawed the inside of her cheek to keep from giving him the satisfaction of crying out.
“You really should consider replacement limbs,” the villain told her, leaning over so that his goggles eclipsed all else. “Truly remarkable strength capabilities.”
“How did you get out?” Penny forced out between her teeth.
Stepping back and dragging her a few paces across the dusty floor, Professor Normal scanned the walls, his cheeks tightening until he nodded to himself, seemingly assured that no one was listening. He told her with all the interest of a man watching mould grow, “Ordinarily, I might indulge your curiosity, but you already know too much about me, Miss Claybourne - oh yes, I know your name. Ah, but the brilliance...the imposters will be far too occupied with the outside threat to check within their own walls.” He stopped, suddenly taking note of her intent silence. “There is a question you should answer, if you will indulge me, my dear. How is it that the usurper's whore discovered my laboratory?”
Penny lurched forward and managed to lift one knee, putting it out in front of her to give her some leverage as he wrenched her wrist upwards. She stared into his goggles and masked her shudder as she answered, “I followed you.”
“Interesting,” he said, slapping just below her knee. Penny's knee collapsed under her body's reflexive response. A long gasp drew its way out of her. His lips formed a satisfied smirk. “I believe you and the Doctor are experiencing difficulties. Might I offer my suggestion or you do wish me to separate your arm from its socket?”
“I nearly got you once,” Penny reminded him. “I can...try again.”
“And fail again, as you are unarmed this time.”
Barbs of pain shot through her fingers to her elbow when he jerked her to one side. Penny felt her face contort, but managed she bite out, “What do you want?”
“Lower interest rates,” he revealed mournfully. “And Doctor Horrible in an unguarded moment resulting in my fist slowly crunching his neck into a pencil.”
“You're sick,” she said, seeing multiple copies of the Professor as her vision wobbled. The pain was gone suddenly, and this should have worried her, but she was focusing on that same stupid ripped section of the wall that she was still itching to fix.
“Oh no, I am quite healthy,” Professor Normal assured her. “Much healthier than my minions who are biding their time around us. So my dear...what is it to be? Will you hold the horrible Doctor down for me?”
Penny hesitated. “What about my daughter?”
“Immaterial to my plans. You may do with her as you will. That is, if the very helpful Captain Hammer has left any morsels for you to save. I wired him exceptionally well.”
“Can't he feel pain, though?” she pointed out. “That's kind of a side effect.”
The fingers of his bionic arm suddenly opened, causing her to fall backwards. An ache stretched through the tendons of her arm and Penny rubbed her wrist fervently. She sat up, watching him. He looked quizzical. “Should this side effect concern me?”
Penny planted her hands on the floor in front of her, pushing herself up onto her knees, then her feet. Clutching her sore arm, she leaned against the closest wall and took deep breaths, forcing her mind to forget the pain and her fear. Penny stared right at the villain. “Okay. I've made my decision.”
“What is that, my dear?” he enquired jovially.
“I'm going to need some help. I'm not getting it from you, but it was nice of you to offer, don't get me wrong.”
“A shame,” he mused. “Your brain would have made a fine addition. Now I will have to crush it.”
But Penny's eyes were no longer on him.
Heavy fists, encased in glossy brown boxing gloves, fell onto Professor Normal's shoulders. The villain went still.
“Got any of those famous lettuce sandwiches?” the newcomer asked.
“If you get us out of here, I will make you a dozen,” Penny promised. “With extra lettuce.”
A broad grin spread on The Pummeller's even broader face.
Then Professor Normal socked him in the gut with that unyielding bionic arm. Penny's rescuer doubled over wheezing. As the deluded scientist leaned in to finish the job, The Pummeller, still looking bizarrely cheerful, wound back one fist and pounded it with the force of a sledgehammer falling off a ten storey building into Professor Normal's solar plexus. One villain went flying down the corridor into a dead end.
“You are about to get pummelled!” howled The Pummeller.
Professor Normal hurled himself against the wall and promptly vanished into a secret hatch.
“Oops, never mind,” The Pummeller rejoined, his grin turning sheepish. “Do I still get those sandwiches?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AN: I'm hoping this doesn't come off as incredibly OOC. One of the biggest difficulties I've had so far with this fanfic is jumping ahead five years and showing the progression characters have made “off-screen” but still relating them back to what they were.