yeah...yeah...yeah
So, I saw them both. I cried with her. He was...ok, not completely ignoring me...better. I stayed up and cried with her...got my period the next day, no wonder it was such a hard day. I just so NEEDED to see her. Then we slept. He was just inches away. I woke up...couldn't sleep. I touched his back gently in his sleep...would he wake up? I HAD to touch him. I got up, hoping to do some computer work and be useful. Damn. Keyboard is locked. Don't know her password....Samson, maybe? Nope. There sits a blank piece of paper and a pen... yes, I will write him a letter. Maybe, maybe if I can just get through to him when he is NOT at work...Not is Mr. Computer Programmer mode...So, I take stock. I think about what my behavior has really been like. Have I manipulated? Have I? Truth me told...yes. I have. I wanted him to be with me and I did what I could to make that a reality. Not visciously, not in truly evil, horrible ways...but, I did it on several occassions nonetheless. Why? Hhhmmm... fear. It's all about fear. My fear. MY BAGGAGE. Yes, looks like WE ALL HAVE IT. We are ALL fucked up. Yep. My insecurities and fears...these led me to behave how I have which have caused my deepest darkest fears to become a reality...he left me. Wow. Truth hurts. Could he have handled it better? Communicated? Sure. Should I hold that against him, enough so that I do not even ask to be forgiven for my errors? No, two wrongs do not make a right. I must be forgiving and also ask for foregiveness. I must fess up to my manipulation and insecurities. I must come clean. So, I do. And I ask for a second chance, too.
In the morning he is ready to leave and asks if I wanted to talk or something. He says he got the letter, but hasn't read it yet. I ask him if he can take a minute and read it. He sits down and reads it, twice. He thinks... he takes his time. He looks at me and says, "I will consider this". He outreaches his left arm and I collapse into him. OMG to feel him, to be against his chest. I hear his heart beating. I pull back a bit and wrap my hand around his thumb, then I look up into his eyes. I thank him. He leaves.
I begin to feel a little hope, just a little.
I see him that night. His van broke down and he needs help. I am more than happy to help. Wow, we all hang out, briefly. She has to work, but this gives us a chance to be together a bit. I am quite. Just there, I move a little closer to him on the couch. I want to touch him. Should I? Will he flip out? I gently touch his arm. It's ok, I am relieved. He needs a head rub. He declines. A while later he accepts. I give him a nice head massage and rub...right up close. So nice. He gets up to pee, abruptly. Freaked him out a bit, I think later. He says it's time to go move the car, so we do. He helps me do this and stay calm. He tells me how good I did. I love to hear his praise. I miss it so. We return and I am a bit jumpy. We settle back down on the couch. When we went down the stairs he said to me, "It will take me some time to be comfortable again". I told him I understood, although I truly am not sure what he means...but, he likely doesn't either. I decide that I need to let him make all the moves. Don't touch, etc. unless he wants AND initiates it. Be wanted, not the wantee...ok, I can do that.
A minute later, he lifts his arm again and becons me under his arm...ah, to be safe and secure. This is good for the moment and that is how I am enjoying it, by each moment. We sit this way for half an hour, then it's his bedtime and off he goes. He tells me I can call him, if I want to/need to talk to him. So, I am just mentally exhausted. Can't even comphrehend what this all means, if anything. That is ok, because I need to only have pleasure and learn to enjoy it, each and ever precious day :)
Thanks to everyone for their support. This is not 'over'... it is hopefully just the beginning of a new journey for us all...
In the morning he is ready to leave and asks if I wanted to talk or something. He says he got the letter, but hasn't read it yet. I ask him if he can take a minute and read it. He sits down and reads it, twice. He thinks... he takes his time. He looks at me and says, "I will consider this". He outreaches his left arm and I collapse into him. OMG to feel him, to be against his chest. I hear his heart beating. I pull back a bit and wrap my hand around his thumb, then I look up into his eyes. I thank him. He leaves.
I begin to feel a little hope, just a little.
I see him that night. His van broke down and he needs help. I am more than happy to help. Wow, we all hang out, briefly. She has to work, but this gives us a chance to be together a bit. I am quite. Just there, I move a little closer to him on the couch. I want to touch him. Should I? Will he flip out? I gently touch his arm. It's ok, I am relieved. He needs a head rub. He declines. A while later he accepts. I give him a nice head massage and rub...right up close. So nice. He gets up to pee, abruptly. Freaked him out a bit, I think later. He says it's time to go move the car, so we do. He helps me do this and stay calm. He tells me how good I did. I love to hear his praise. I miss it so. We return and I am a bit jumpy. We settle back down on the couch. When we went down the stairs he said to me, "It will take me some time to be comfortable again". I told him I understood, although I truly am not sure what he means...but, he likely doesn't either. I decide that I need to let him make all the moves. Don't touch, etc. unless he wants AND initiates it. Be wanted, not the wantee...ok, I can do that.
A minute later, he lifts his arm again and becons me under his arm...ah, to be safe and secure. This is good for the moment and that is how I am enjoying it, by each moment. We sit this way for half an hour, then it's his bedtime and off he goes. He tells me I can call him, if I want to/need to talk to him. So, I am just mentally exhausted. Can't even comphrehend what this all means, if anything. That is ok, because I need to only have pleasure and learn to enjoy it, each and ever precious day :)
Thanks to everyone for their support. This is not 'over'... it is hopefully just the beginning of a new journey for us all...