Growing Up
So I guess I've lost a friend. I've been thinking about him a lot. We were never in a relationship, we were both clear and honest about how neither of us wanted that. I keep remembering how we were sitting in my bedroom, probably at about 4:00AM on a school night... and he said "you know we're like... best friends, right?"
I just keep replaying the memory over and over like some kind of song I keep on repeat. I think we may have made some of our biggest mistakes together... I did, at least. Saddest part is that the only way I realized I was destroying my life was because he stopped being my friend; I had finally gotten the clue that something had to change. I'm trying to convince myself that he deliberately pushed me away so that I could come to this realization. Or maybe so that he could...maybe both of us. I know he didn't though.
My roommate is moving out in less than a week. She got a summer job in the bay area, meanwhile I'll be in my empty apartment staring out the window, watching time pass. I was supposed to figure out what I wanted to do for a career in college. At least have an inkling, but I've only learned what I don't want, which is anything related to either of my majors. I'm so angry... and knowing my situation so clearly makes me remember why I started to not care about fucking up my life in the first place. I'm a good student, and I've BEEN a good student through high school and college... I jumped through the hoops of society and academia and all the bullshit that goes along with it like a good little boy and this is my reward? I did everything that I was supposed to do... put in all this fucking hard work just so that I can be faced with harder work. This isn't just a frustrated-anger... this is literally a destructive-anger. This seriously makes me feel like I need to fuck shit up, like I'm starting to know the anger some people might have when they throw their fists through drywall. I have no healthy forms to vent this anger and I swear to god if ONE MORE PERSON tells me to exercise and go for a goddamn run, I am going to throw my fists through their face. I've tried exercising. I've done exercising. I've been exercising.
I'm broke, I'm depressed... I'm... qualified to do things that I don't want to do. I wish there was something, someone, or some place to keep me grounded. A semblance of a "home base", but there is no such continuity in my life. I'm trying to compensate by looking for the advantages of not having a plan for the rest of my life. I guess it wouldn't be outside the realm of possibilities that my life could still be fulfilling and happy some day. But not knowing how to get there or what will happen makes radical ideas seem a little less extreme simply because they're actually viable options now. I'm scared to even write some of the thoughts that have crossed my mind...
I went to the internship and career center and spoke with an advisor about how to get a career. She asked me what my major was, and since I'd rather do music than whateverthefuck human development is, I left out human dev and only said "music". Her response was "I'm sorry". Sorrow seemed like such an appropriate response that I wasn't even offended when she said it. I'm kind of sorry that I majored in music too.
I know the artists of the world are often portrayed to be kind of fucked over... like they lead troubled lives, but through their troubles they create something artistic and meaningful or in some way profound. I'm pretty sure my life qualifies for being not totally stellar right now and despite the fact that I'm actively involved in an art form, my quality of life isn't making me be, create, or do anything artistic.
There's got to be a solution... to all of this... but the problem (or maybe problems) is intimidating enough for me to just cower away. I really don't know that I have the strength to face this, and hearing the "I'm sorry"... how am I supposed to have motivation after that?
Everyone is telling me that this "must be such an exciting time" for me... graduating college, finishing a chapter of my life... So, apparently I'm supposed to be ejaculating over how fucking fantastic my life is. It's actually sort of mocking when people congratulate me on my imminent graduation. What exactly am I supposed to be happy about again... ?
I just keep replaying the memory over and over like some kind of song I keep on repeat. I think we may have made some of our biggest mistakes together... I did, at least. Saddest part is that the only way I realized I was destroying my life was because he stopped being my friend; I had finally gotten the clue that something had to change. I'm trying to convince myself that he deliberately pushed me away so that I could come to this realization. Or maybe so that he could...maybe both of us. I know he didn't though.
My roommate is moving out in less than a week. She got a summer job in the bay area, meanwhile I'll be in my empty apartment staring out the window, watching time pass. I was supposed to figure out what I wanted to do for a career in college. At least have an inkling, but I've only learned what I don't want, which is anything related to either of my majors. I'm so angry... and knowing my situation so clearly makes me remember why I started to not care about fucking up my life in the first place. I'm a good student, and I've BEEN a good student through high school and college... I jumped through the hoops of society and academia and all the bullshit that goes along with it like a good little boy and this is my reward? I did everything that I was supposed to do... put in all this fucking hard work just so that I can be faced with harder work. This isn't just a frustrated-anger... this is literally a destructive-anger. This seriously makes me feel like I need to fuck shit up, like I'm starting to know the anger some people might have when they throw their fists through drywall. I have no healthy forms to vent this anger and I swear to god if ONE MORE PERSON tells me to exercise and go for a goddamn run, I am going to throw my fists through their face. I've tried exercising. I've done exercising. I've been exercising.
I'm broke, I'm depressed... I'm... qualified to do things that I don't want to do. I wish there was something, someone, or some place to keep me grounded. A semblance of a "home base", but there is no such continuity in my life. I'm trying to compensate by looking for the advantages of not having a plan for the rest of my life. I guess it wouldn't be outside the realm of possibilities that my life could still be fulfilling and happy some day. But not knowing how to get there or what will happen makes radical ideas seem a little less extreme simply because they're actually viable options now. I'm scared to even write some of the thoughts that have crossed my mind...
I went to the internship and career center and spoke with an advisor about how to get a career. She asked me what my major was, and since I'd rather do music than whateverthefuck human development is, I left out human dev and only said "music". Her response was "I'm sorry". Sorrow seemed like such an appropriate response that I wasn't even offended when she said it. I'm kind of sorry that I majored in music too.
I know the artists of the world are often portrayed to be kind of fucked over... like they lead troubled lives, but through their troubles they create something artistic and meaningful or in some way profound. I'm pretty sure my life qualifies for being not totally stellar right now and despite the fact that I'm actively involved in an art form, my quality of life isn't making me be, create, or do anything artistic.
There's got to be a solution... to all of this... but the problem (or maybe problems) is intimidating enough for me to just cower away. I really don't know that I have the strength to face this, and hearing the "I'm sorry"... how am I supposed to have motivation after that?
Everyone is telling me that this "must be such an exciting time" for me... graduating college, finishing a chapter of my life... So, apparently I'm supposed to be ejaculating over how fucking fantastic my life is. It's actually sort of mocking when people congratulate me on my imminent graduation. What exactly am I supposed to be happy about again... ?