i hope we live to tell the tale.
i don't want to become more and more discouraged. i don't want to look back and wish that i had done what was always itching at me...i have no regrets in life, i don't want to make this one be the first. with all that said, i'm glad with my decision.
turns out school really isn't all that bad or embarassing as i thought it would be. i was so ashamed in myself for being 21 and not having a degree...i know neosho isn't where i want to be right now, but if it means my parents will pay for my school, then it means all the difference in the world to me. i was out of school for so long, and while i was out i made more than enough mistakes. i made awful choices that weren't thought out properly, and i neglected my talents and abilities. you know that feeling when you look up at the night sky and see a blanket full of stars? just that one moment, maybe the shortest but it feels almost timeless, and you just feel and breath life by yourself? that moment is the moment when i pour out my sins, when i look up at the sky and appologize for who i am, for what i've done, and for my poor judgement/decisions. i want to be able to breath all on my own from now on. right now, i feel that familiar moment. i ran into an old friend that i had left behind when i quit working at the joplin mall, and when i decided to move to columbia. i was walking up the stairs to my math class, and he chased me up them to give me a hug. i'm so appreciative and happy that he's been brought back into my life....mark's such a good-hearted, honest, and understanding friend. it's good to have a friend who has a lively heart full of god again. it's just what i need. off the subject, but i saw a sign yesterday that said, 'when life falls apart, god will peace it all back together.' we talked about my major and his major, and life in general. all along, all this time, i knew in the back of my heart that i wasn't really sure with optometry/opthalmology. it was what i always wanted to do ever since i took biology in high school. i admired my eye doctor, dr. gray. i wanted what he had, and i wanted to be as interesting as he was. he impressed me with his work, and with his life experiences. today, i realized that i, too, can experience those wonderful things by doing what i really want to do. dr. gray wanted to help people with their eyes....he didn't want optometry all because of the money. he wanted it because it was something he could see himself doing for the rest of his life, and because he enjoyed being inside a dark office. sure, i can see myself helping patients out, because i love working with people...and sure, i can see myself soaking up more and more knowledge and interesting facts about opthalmology. what i can't see myself doing, is sitting in a dark office all day, every day, and being discouraged with the idea of me being 30 something or 40 something and just now becoming an eye doctor. it's going to take me about 11-12 years to finish school and obtain my degree. i still want my masters, and that will make it around 15 years all together. i'm discouraged, and there's been this itch that is telling me that i'm wasting talents, wasting my ability to become something more of myself. when i talked to dr. gray about my opthalmology major, the very first thing he said to me was,'don't be in optometry/opthalmology for the money, because if so, you should do welding or engineering.' he told me what schools he attended, and how long it took him. he also told me about the school debt, and the money required for medicaid/medicare, insurance, and his office building/equipment needed. my parents always told me to become a doctor or a nurse as i was growing up...they wanted me to be successful. i think being successful isn't doing something that will make a lot of money, but doing something that has me put into it, all of my hardwork, and is something that i tend to enjoy. my major is now, and officially, fashion design (business marketing/management). i can draw, i'm not the best, but i won plenty of ribbons and certificates for high school art, as well as getting my art put in the quill. one of my middle school paintings was chosen to be framed and hung in the principal's office. i know i've lost all memory of how to sew, but i can gain it back...i can learn. i've got hundreds, thousands, and millions of sketches, ideas, and fabrics in my head. i want to make delicate shirts/skirts/purses/dresses/pants with mathematical angles that give every distinctive purpose possible. i was the best and top seller at express at both the joplin and columbia mall. i know all about retail and have plenty of experience. i have these talents all for one reason. this is what i want, and this is what i'm capable of. fashion design was always my minor, but it's time i take it all seriously now. if i were to go on with optometry/opthalmology, i wouldn't have any time to have fashion design as a minor. it just wouldn't be possible, due to all of the studying and time. by the time i get my major in opthalmology, i'll have wasted almost 20 years of giving up my raw talent. it will all be too late....even though i'll be in my late 30's, i don't want to regret settling for money, and settling for a job that i won't completely enjoy. going for a career all for the money, is all the wrong reasons to chose that degree. i'd rather see myself enjoying life, rather than being greedy for money. some may think i'm stubborn, i'll admit i am, but this dream isn't make-believe...it IS possible, and it's what i really want in life. i'm discouraged with my opthalmology major for a reason, i'm impatient with it for another, either way, i've got an itch that needs to be taken care of. thank you, mark.
Your Gooky Terd,
Nay
p.s. i keep running into Wesley Snipes, and he sat right by me in my math class and smiled, shit!!!
turns out school really isn't all that bad or embarassing as i thought it would be. i was so ashamed in myself for being 21 and not having a degree...i know neosho isn't where i want to be right now, but if it means my parents will pay for my school, then it means all the difference in the world to me. i was out of school for so long, and while i was out i made more than enough mistakes. i made awful choices that weren't thought out properly, and i neglected my talents and abilities. you know that feeling when you look up at the night sky and see a blanket full of stars? just that one moment, maybe the shortest but it feels almost timeless, and you just feel and breath life by yourself? that moment is the moment when i pour out my sins, when i look up at the sky and appologize for who i am, for what i've done, and for my poor judgement/decisions. i want to be able to breath all on my own from now on. right now, i feel that familiar moment. i ran into an old friend that i had left behind when i quit working at the joplin mall, and when i decided to move to columbia. i was walking up the stairs to my math class, and he chased me up them to give me a hug. i'm so appreciative and happy that he's been brought back into my life....mark's such a good-hearted, honest, and understanding friend. it's good to have a friend who has a lively heart full of god again. it's just what i need. off the subject, but i saw a sign yesterday that said, 'when life falls apart, god will peace it all back together.' we talked about my major and his major, and life in general. all along, all this time, i knew in the back of my heart that i wasn't really sure with optometry/opthalmology. it was what i always wanted to do ever since i took biology in high school. i admired my eye doctor, dr. gray. i wanted what he had, and i wanted to be as interesting as he was. he impressed me with his work, and with his life experiences. today, i realized that i, too, can experience those wonderful things by doing what i really want to do. dr. gray wanted to help people with their eyes....he didn't want optometry all because of the money. he wanted it because it was something he could see himself doing for the rest of his life, and because he enjoyed being inside a dark office. sure, i can see myself helping patients out, because i love working with people...and sure, i can see myself soaking up more and more knowledge and interesting facts about opthalmology. what i can't see myself doing, is sitting in a dark office all day, every day, and being discouraged with the idea of me being 30 something or 40 something and just now becoming an eye doctor. it's going to take me about 11-12 years to finish school and obtain my degree. i still want my masters, and that will make it around 15 years all together. i'm discouraged, and there's been this itch that is telling me that i'm wasting talents, wasting my ability to become something more of myself. when i talked to dr. gray about my opthalmology major, the very first thing he said to me was,'don't be in optometry/opthalmology for the money, because if so, you should do welding or engineering.' he told me what schools he attended, and how long it took him. he also told me about the school debt, and the money required for medicaid/medicare, insurance, and his office building/equipment needed. my parents always told me to become a doctor or a nurse as i was growing up...they wanted me to be successful. i think being successful isn't doing something that will make a lot of money, but doing something that has me put into it, all of my hardwork, and is something that i tend to enjoy. my major is now, and officially, fashion design (business marketing/management). i can draw, i'm not the best, but i won plenty of ribbons and certificates for high school art, as well as getting my art put in the quill. one of my middle school paintings was chosen to be framed and hung in the principal's office. i know i've lost all memory of how to sew, but i can gain it back...i can learn. i've got hundreds, thousands, and millions of sketches, ideas, and fabrics in my head. i want to make delicate shirts/skirts/purses/dresses/pants with mathematical angles that give every distinctive purpose possible. i was the best and top seller at express at both the joplin and columbia mall. i know all about retail and have plenty of experience. i have these talents all for one reason. this is what i want, and this is what i'm capable of. fashion design was always my minor, but it's time i take it all seriously now. if i were to go on with optometry/opthalmology, i wouldn't have any time to have fashion design as a minor. it just wouldn't be possible, due to all of the studying and time. by the time i get my major in opthalmology, i'll have wasted almost 20 years of giving up my raw talent. it will all be too late....even though i'll be in my late 30's, i don't want to regret settling for money, and settling for a job that i won't completely enjoy. going for a career all for the money, is all the wrong reasons to chose that degree. i'd rather see myself enjoying life, rather than being greedy for money. some may think i'm stubborn, i'll admit i am, but this dream isn't make-believe...it IS possible, and it's what i really want in life. i'm discouraged with my opthalmology major for a reason, i'm impatient with it for another, either way, i've got an itch that needs to be taken care of. thank you, mark.
Your Gooky Terd,
Nay
p.s. i keep running into Wesley Snipes, and he sat right by me in my math class and smiled, shit!!!