In Which Benjamin Is A Godless Heathen
“What a lovely day, and a wonderful time to Witness for Christ, who really did not want his birthday celebrated,” thought the congregation at our local Kingdom Hall, “We shall go forth in groups for safety and minding all of the laws and such regarding our holy duty so as not to piss off our neighbors, and spread the Word. And our magazines.”
And so, they did. Somewhere along the line, they saw that MY house had not been visited in some time. Hmm. I’m told that JW’s actually do keep records on houses and people that REALLY DO NOT WANT, but that’s only as long as the elder in charge don’t move on and forget to leave those records with the new elder.
Many years ago, after a “WHY THE HELL DID YOU LEAVE MY GATE OPEN?!” incident, which ended up with the congregation at the time having to give homes to eight adorable golden retriever mix puppies, my address got marked “leave to Burn”.
But. Though conscious there had been a problem in the past, this was now, and all people should have a chance to be saved. Even evil people thrusting puppies upon them.
Thus, lead by a large black man with that wonderful “heavenly” smile, two young ladies, black and white, came traipsing up the drive. The local law, at least, states they can enter properties that have closed gates, incidentally, but they cannot let out anything that belongs within the gates. Thus they (unlike the girls of years before) carefully closed the gates.
Because the man leading them was wise, he first ascertained that the dog of the yard was secured on a run. No sense being a Jehovah’s Witness if if gets you torn apart by dogs, after all.
All the way to the door they came, sort of gasping and giggling because much of the yard is now Mud. “Oh look!” one of the girls called out, “Chickens!” “Awww, chickens!”
They did not hear the theme from Jaws playing.
“That’s a really big egg," the other girl noted, a little bit less enchanted. As if realizing that something that lays a really big egg is likely to be really big. Spiffy and Spazzy will often simply lay wherever they’re sitting instead of going to their ‘egg dump’ nest. So there it sat. This really big egg on the brick walkway.
They got to the porch.
“...Is that a duck...?”
And then the knocking on the door. I slowly opened it to gaze upon the Heavenly Smiles.
“Hello,” the man boomed, holding out his Watchtower, “We’re here to OH MY WORD WHAT IN HEAVENS NAME IS THAT??!”
Ben slowly stalked to eye these interlopers, followed by his gang of toughs. Becky and Julie have learned from him and had their heads down, hissing. Ben remained rigidly upright, giving them the rheumy eye as he advanced. Spiffy and Spazzy just duck-chuckled and waddled after.
“Oh, it’s alright, those are just my...”
“GEESE!!!” Shrieked the white girl, “GEESE ARE HORRIBLE MEAN THEY BIT ME WHEN I WAS LITTLE!!”
“Uh... are they friendly?” the man asked uneasily, backing away and yet trying to keep the girls from wholesale fleeing.
“Well, no.” Hey! One should be honest before a duly ordained minister of the organization of God.
“...Uhm...” He lost hold of the white girl, and as she fled, of course, the geese rushed after her. This set off the black girl, who did try to hold her ground, but when Ben put his head down and flapped his wings, she was out of there. --Running right for the DOG.
Fortunately, the dog didn’t do more than quirk her ear as this nicely dressed lass went tear-assing down the run. I could hear the girls hitting the gate and squalling in hysterics as they unlatched it to escape.
That left the man, standing in shock, realizing only then that he was gazing upon Satan’s Goose Keeper. The very tender of the livestock of EVIL.
“Well. You have a great day!” he managed to burble out, backing away. He turned in time to see Toulie and Lucy (who actually are friendly), and let out a man-scream. The ladies simply stared as he broke into a run to escape the feathery minions of Lucifer.
That put him smack in the middle of Ben and his cronies at the gate. I could hear the girls lamentations and his calling upon the Lord to save him. And honking. Lots of honking.
And you know, because I’m concerned and all that, I followed them out. I found several “Watchtowers” scattered about, and surprise! The gate was nicely shut and latched.
The trio rushed up the street to get to a car. They peeled rubber pulling out of there. I waved, smiling, as they passed by the house. Because they’d closed the gate! That warrants happiness.
I think I’m on the “no-save from Hell and Armageddon” list again.
Also:
I had a co-worker who had been raised as an Orthodox Jew. As an older teen, she became an Atheist. In her mid-twenties, she became a Jehovah’s Witness. That’s really all, I just thought that was the most awesome progressions of faith ever.
And so, they did. Somewhere along the line, they saw that MY house had not been visited in some time. Hmm. I’m told that JW’s actually do keep records on houses and people that REALLY DO NOT WANT, but that’s only as long as the elder in charge don’t move on and forget to leave those records with the new elder.
Many years ago, after a “WHY THE HELL DID YOU LEAVE MY GATE OPEN?!” incident, which ended up with the congregation at the time having to give homes to eight adorable golden retriever mix puppies, my address got marked “leave to Burn”.
But. Though conscious there had been a problem in the past, this was now, and all people should have a chance to be saved. Even evil people thrusting puppies upon them.
Thus, lead by a large black man with that wonderful “heavenly” smile, two young ladies, black and white, came traipsing up the drive. The local law, at least, states they can enter properties that have closed gates, incidentally, but they cannot let out anything that belongs within the gates. Thus they (unlike the girls of years before) carefully closed the gates.
Because the man leading them was wise, he first ascertained that the dog of the yard was secured on a run. No sense being a Jehovah’s Witness if if gets you torn apart by dogs, after all.
All the way to the door they came, sort of gasping and giggling because much of the yard is now Mud. “Oh look!” one of the girls called out, “Chickens!” “Awww, chickens!”
They did not hear the theme from Jaws playing.
“That’s a really big egg," the other girl noted, a little bit less enchanted. As if realizing that something that lays a really big egg is likely to be really big. Spiffy and Spazzy will often simply lay wherever they’re sitting instead of going to their ‘egg dump’ nest. So there it sat. This really big egg on the brick walkway.
They got to the porch.
“...Is that a duck...?”
And then the knocking on the door. I slowly opened it to gaze upon the Heavenly Smiles.
“Hello,” the man boomed, holding out his Watchtower, “We’re here to OH MY WORD WHAT IN HEAVENS NAME IS THAT??!”
Ben slowly stalked to eye these interlopers, followed by his gang of toughs. Becky and Julie have learned from him and had their heads down, hissing. Ben remained rigidly upright, giving them the rheumy eye as he advanced. Spiffy and Spazzy just duck-chuckled and waddled after.
“Oh, it’s alright, those are just my...”
“GEESE!!!” Shrieked the white girl, “GEESE ARE HORRIBLE MEAN THEY BIT ME WHEN I WAS LITTLE!!”
“Uh... are they friendly?” the man asked uneasily, backing away and yet trying to keep the girls from wholesale fleeing.
“Well, no.” Hey! One should be honest before a duly ordained minister of the organization of God.
“...Uhm...” He lost hold of the white girl, and as she fled, of course, the geese rushed after her. This set off the black girl, who did try to hold her ground, but when Ben put his head down and flapped his wings, she was out of there. --Running right for the DOG.
Fortunately, the dog didn’t do more than quirk her ear as this nicely dressed lass went tear-assing down the run. I could hear the girls hitting the gate and squalling in hysterics as they unlatched it to escape.
That left the man, standing in shock, realizing only then that he was gazing upon Satan’s Goose Keeper. The very tender of the livestock of EVIL.
“Well. You have a great day!” he managed to burble out, backing away. He turned in time to see Toulie and Lucy (who actually are friendly), and let out a man-scream. The ladies simply stared as he broke into a run to escape the feathery minions of Lucifer.
That put him smack in the middle of Ben and his cronies at the gate. I could hear the girls lamentations and his calling upon the Lord to save him. And honking. Lots of honking.
And you know, because I’m concerned and all that, I followed them out. I found several “Watchtowers” scattered about, and surprise! The gate was nicely shut and latched.
The trio rushed up the street to get to a car. They peeled rubber pulling out of there. I waved, smiling, as they passed by the house. Because they’d closed the gate! That warrants happiness.
I think I’m on the “no-save from Hell and Armageddon” list again.
Also:
I had a co-worker who had been raised as an Orthodox Jew. As an older teen, she became an Atheist. In her mid-twenties, she became a Jehovah’s Witness. That’s really all, I just thought that was the most awesome progressions of faith ever.