Becky’s Plan to Save the World
Plan: Save the World
Means: Eliminate biases, stereotypes, and all other forms of ignorant idiocy
Chances of Working: 1,765,930 to 1, or as others prefer: It’ll work like a plumber trying to unclog the toilet of George Bush’s B.S.
(And that’s not to say it’s hopeless.)
I’ve decided we will never escape labels. Some critic is always lurking around the corner with a notepad and a vocabulary meant to ruin your reputation. Even if you attempt to escape said critic, you will find yourself under the category of “pretentious” or “thinks s/he’s special.” It’s a losing cause, people. My only advice is to succumb completely to the idea of unoriginality. Lose yourself in the swarms of humanity. And while you’re at it, kick the lurking journalist in the balls as hard as you can.
I know it’s not that easy. We like nonconformity these days. Even those girls who will tremble in horror at the concept of going to the bathroom alone are prone to giggle and utter that they are “like, so weird.” But rather than turn up our sophisticated, original, perhaps even snot-less noses at the teenyboppers, we should join together and unite under the common notion of uniqueness through cohesion. You laugh at me. How can we be different if we are all together, you ask. Well, I will tell you how: Imagination, the media, knitting clubs, and as mentioned previously, the near-castration (or ovarian failure, if we want to be accurate) of the critics.
It’s a noble but sadly misconceived desire, the desire to be different. Certainly, there are ways to single people out. Awards, nominations, suicides, crucifixion, fame, and even cameos contribute to make a person shine among the masses. But, let’s face it; we’re not going to get famous. Yes, I the author, and you the readers, all of us will be doomed to the basic principles of humanity. One such principle is that we’re going to die and might as well enjoy ourselves in the meantime. Another is enjoying ourselves can mean anything, even the successful escape from death. A third is that, although we can technically do anything we set our minds to, becoming famous or immortal are near impossible fates to attain.
So, to get back to my proposal: Imagination, the media, knitting clubs, and bodily wounds to critics will help us achieve perfect originality. It’s really not that difficult, if you consider the plan as a work of art. We must initially work together to become independent later. The first step is imagination. Not to be vain, but my imagination is as good, maybe even better, than it was when I lived in a world of pink sparkles and giant elephants. (Adolescence adds a whole other realm of possibilities to what one imagines, as I’m sure all of you realize.) Hence, I take the responsibility of controlling the imagination station in my plan. And I ask you to imagine a world where we all understand each other tacitly. A world in which babies are born and do not grow up to hate and love common enemies and relatives. Rather, this world is full of such overblown preconceived notions that no one takes prejudices seriously anymore. We are so full of our own bologna that we have become our own bologna. Children grow up to understand that of course, they are not special princes and princesses. However, they don’t care. No, they don’t give half a rat’s ass if they are the prettiest, the smartest, or the quickest nose-picker in the class. The know it’s all a farce, all the labeling. And in this implicit amusement is a beauty rivaled only by those lovely creatures who have created it.
Yes, ladies and gents, we are those noble creatures. Now that I have constructed the initial part-the most important part-of my plan (the only important part really, for who likes to do things without knowing about the goods at the end?), we can figure out the means.
Part one: The media. The media controls us, and before you start to protest with silly statements like “But I don’t watch T.V.!” let me assure you that even if you don’t watch T.V., you sure as hell are infatuated with or impressed by someone else who does. I admit it will be difficult to get the full cooperation of the media barons, but I’m sure they’ll come around to my plan when they see the money in it. You see, once the multimillionaires approve messages like “You are not special,” “Don’t even pretend to be,” “Yes I’m talking to you,” or even “No, ‘your mom’s not special’ is not a sufficient rebuttal,” to air on all popular stations, people will either get the subliminal contradiction of these messages to the angsty characters of the T.V. shows or will see the contradiction blatantly. Pound it into the audiences’ heads like you’re pounding raw meat. Soon, people will start to lose faith in melodramatic messages they see on television. Shows like “The O.C.” and “Desperate Housewives” will become laughing matters. Use infomercials if you must, but express one message: People are all the same.
How will this produce profit? Simple: You sell merchandise, ringtones, and even action figures who express the “We’re all the same!” mantra. Soon, it will become a national joke. A mascot might appear in the form of an androgynous stick figure (to keep the feminists happy) who dances, smiles, and proclaims his indifference to the concept of anonymity. S/he is happy in his/her obscurity! I mean, c’mon, it’ll be like the “Life is Good” emblem-short, precise, even business-like in it’s catchiness.
If the stick figure doesn’t work, just insert a sexual innuendo or two in the infomercials. That’ll do the trick like no other.
And now for the key ingredient: Knitting clubs. Knitting clubs are rarities these days. People prefer to buy their clothes, inherit them, or even patch odd and safety-pinned labels on their outer-wear. Grandmas and misjudged young females have flocked to the knitting clubs, and thus, the poor knitting community is overlooked in the grand scheme of labels. But wait. Is this really unfortunate? Could this chance, rare, even banal overlooking of knitting clubs be the key to our salvation? I propose that it is. How many times do you hear someone tagged as “Oh, you’re such a knitting club member!” I, for one, have never heard it. So, whenever you hear a label, immediately use “knitting club member” as a substitute. Example: Male A calls Male B “gay.” You, the innocent onlooker, only has to step in and protest, claiming Male B is not in fact gay, but a knitting club member. Use this label as much as possible, especially with people who cannot possibly be knitting club members. You proclamation will confuse both the labeler and the labeled, and eventually, if this becomes a trend (I’m hoping it’ll be like the “your mom” trend-a phrase used often but without thinking directly of the person’s mother) people will see the ridiculousness in labels. All labels will have as much truth in them as the truth of the labeled being a knitting club member. I know this sounds extreme. But really, what’s the likelihood of a phrase like “your mom” traveling the globe? “Knitting club member” will be simple, absurd, and wonderfully effective in its ridiculousness. Prove the untruth of labels, and they become as appealing as stale potato chips.
Lastly, we need to get rid of the critics. I don’t know about you, but I find critics absolutely unnecessary. Yes, I recognize that was a criticism itself, but I never claimed to be perfect. Back to the point: Critics just being people down. I mean, nothing takes the wind out of a cheerleader more than a punch to the stomach from some unhappy gothic chick. In order to get anywhere, avoid pain, and generally enjoy ourselves, we need to escape pointless criticism. No other method is as effective in preventing unnecessary criticism than hurting the critic. People will not always do things for rewards, but they will nearly always do whatever it takes to avoid punishment. So, whenever you hear an unfair assumption, a pretentious comment, a precocious uttering, a snide remark, a snooty whisper, an upturned nostril, or any other non-constructive (uselessly destructive) degrading, show the degrader you mean business! Kick, punch, or otherwise main the degrader, give no explanation, and walk away. Yes, I understand that violence is not the answer to the world’s problems. And to provide a more gentle approach for the softies who still want to address the issue of critics, I propose verbal abuse. Swift and immediate punishment, though, is the way to go. Eradicate the hatred. Eliminate complicity. Take action through penalty, and the message of “no place for hate” will emerge like the stars on a summer night.
The most important part of this plan is that I get as many participants as possible. Please, consider my proposition. I do not claim to be the next Jesus, I do not want to be nailed to a cross (or electrocuted, shot, inhibited, etc.), and I’m not convinced that my plan will work. But it might. So spread the message, give my modest proposal a shot. And remember: In unoriginality, we may find a peacefulness proven to be more fulfilling than any attempt to fit in or out of a label. We are not really that different, you see. Yes, we might get different labels, but in the end, we share the fact that we are labeled. It is only by acceptance of our common human natures that we can all realize what life is really about. Eating, excreting, urinating, fornicating, loving, and sharing-what wonderful, blissful, experiences!
Although we unite, we don’t become the same person literally. We can still stick with our own personalities while realizing that none of them are actually that important and the underlying needs and desires are essentially the same. Keep in mind that our DNA is still .1% different from person to person. You do not lose any of your persona by just accepting the fact that you’re not more special than anyone else. In fact, your persona will be exalted when people meet you without any biases or prejudices about what you’re “really like.” In uniting, people will see the illogic of discrimination. In uniting, we will find the small characteristics which are inherent in every Homo sapien. We are all the same, and wouldn’t it be wonderful if people realized it? We would come together and believe we were equals, and each person would imagine his or her reason for being an equal was unique.
I’d give it a year, tops, before they fought over whose reason was better.