I don't want to be friends.
I have always loved a tragic romance. The kind you know will never last. But here I am stuck on the edge about to trow myself over and away from the man I love, and I can't do it. I don't want to fight anymore, I just wanted to give up, push him away like I have so many others. But there's something holding me where I am, not letting me go. I know he loves me, he would probably give his life for mine, but part of me feels like I could walk away and never look back, and in doing so I would free myself, I could be who I was, what I wanted to be. I feel like so much of me has been lost these past years, as if I have sold who I was to be what he wanted me to be. I have given everything to be here, to be with this shining white knight and yet I don't know that I belong here. I have always been the tarnished seductress, the one who takes what she wants be damned the punishment, and yet I have fought for two years against her to become his rescued princess, his future queen. Can I give this all away, start over? Who am I kidding, I can never be who I was, I am too changed, to afraid anymore to step outside and take that chance. I have ruined my ability to tell the world to fuck off, to not care who and what people think I am. I have become a shell of her, my armor, my Mask. In her wake I would like to believe I am a better person, that he did save me from her, from myself. I love him, and I love what he stands for, if only I could make him love himself. And that is the eternal battle, loving ourselves, accepting what we become and letting go of the past. She would want this for me, I want this for myself.