lately i've been thinking of combustication as a welcome vacation from the burdens of planet earth
i know i have changed this year. i can't begin to explain or understand why, but i suppose it's down to growing up. not necessarily maturing, but growing up. i am not going to be a good adult. or even a good person at that. something i've been thinking about lately is belonging. i don't belong anywhere or with anyone. which is sad. i don't have a 'family'. families can be made up of anything but that feeling is always there isn't it? maybe i think there is more to everything than there is. how do you know where you belong? maybe there is no comfort to seek. i don't know what i want and yet i want everything.
i want to know what happened to my family. i don't even know what country my dad is in. i email him and all i get is auto-replies saying 'out of nairobi on a business trip, back on...'. so he's somewhere in africa i guess. and even when he is there, i generally get one sentence replies, to a three hundred word email. last i heard from him was a five minute phonecall about two months ago. and when i think of him, i think of the idealistic view of a dad, of being protected and loved and of him playing games with us in the park and i want to hug him, but then i remember what he's really like, and never want to see him again. my mum has moved on with her life, in spirit if not in practice. i'm glad she has someone, especially as it means she leaves me alone more. but what is sad is that we never were close, i never felt like i could talk to her or confide in her. sergio, my big brother, who i do love dearly but who is so full of bullshit i never know when to trust him. and now he's lost yet another job, and wants more money. antonio, the brains of the family i suppose. he never comes home, even at uni holidays. he's coming this friday, basically because my mum begged him. but his holidays started two weeks ago, and it's taken him until now to visit. i want him around much more than he wants me to be, which is fair enough, he's all grown up and at uni. i'm just trying to grasp onto an era that ended long ago.
even with friends, i don't seem to feel right. sometimes i feel miserable and there is no one i can think of to understand. or more that there is no one i feel i have the words to speak to. it sounds really horrible and like i don't appreciate my friends, but it really isn't that at all. i love all my friends. my problem is how do i understand what i have changed into. somehow i've alienated myself from a lot of people. and i've done it by being myself.
and at the same time, there is constant pressure from all sides. and most of it is for money. it's not about what you can offer the world, it's about what people can squeeze out of you. the more you rebel against it, the more you just slap yourself in the face. last night i proper thought about death. i think on a higher level than i ever have done before. or maybe it's just my views have changed since i last really thought about it. and for possibly the first time in my life, death scared me. previously, it wasn't death that scared me, but the pain of dying. now i'm so confused. sometimes all i want to do is die, to not be here, but sometimes i want to see everything and touch everything and hear everything. i'm still waiting for things to be complete. sometimes i want to smoke a shitload of crack and jump off a bridge.
i'm so scared that nothing is going to ever live up to my imagination.
maybe i think too much about pointless things.
i'm going for a walk.
i want to know what happened to my family. i don't even know what country my dad is in. i email him and all i get is auto-replies saying 'out of nairobi on a business trip, back on...'. so he's somewhere in africa i guess. and even when he is there, i generally get one sentence replies, to a three hundred word email. last i heard from him was a five minute phonecall about two months ago. and when i think of him, i think of the idealistic view of a dad, of being protected and loved and of him playing games with us in the park and i want to hug him, but then i remember what he's really like, and never want to see him again. my mum has moved on with her life, in spirit if not in practice. i'm glad she has someone, especially as it means she leaves me alone more. but what is sad is that we never were close, i never felt like i could talk to her or confide in her. sergio, my big brother, who i do love dearly but who is so full of bullshit i never know when to trust him. and now he's lost yet another job, and wants more money. antonio, the brains of the family i suppose. he never comes home, even at uni holidays. he's coming this friday, basically because my mum begged him. but his holidays started two weeks ago, and it's taken him until now to visit. i want him around much more than he wants me to be, which is fair enough, he's all grown up and at uni. i'm just trying to grasp onto an era that ended long ago.
even with friends, i don't seem to feel right. sometimes i feel miserable and there is no one i can think of to understand. or more that there is no one i feel i have the words to speak to. it sounds really horrible and like i don't appreciate my friends, but it really isn't that at all. i love all my friends. my problem is how do i understand what i have changed into. somehow i've alienated myself from a lot of people. and i've done it by being myself.
and at the same time, there is constant pressure from all sides. and most of it is for money. it's not about what you can offer the world, it's about what people can squeeze out of you. the more you rebel against it, the more you just slap yourself in the face. last night i proper thought about death. i think on a higher level than i ever have done before. or maybe it's just my views have changed since i last really thought about it. and for possibly the first time in my life, death scared me. previously, it wasn't death that scared me, but the pain of dying. now i'm so confused. sometimes all i want to do is die, to not be here, but sometimes i want to see everything and touch everything and hear everything. i'm still waiting for things to be complete. sometimes i want to smoke a shitload of crack and jump off a bridge.
i'm so scared that nothing is going to ever live up to my imagination.
maybe i think too much about pointless things.
i'm going for a walk.