The Rescue in Reverse
hey,
just updating.
work: same as before.
Chris: well....
I'll cut this one.
so yeah.
He's leaving in 7 days.
I leave in a little over a week.
I don't come back until late August, he comes back the 13th(or 15th. I won't be here, so whatever.)
then I come back to preseason.
there is no way we're going to be able to talk until he comes.
we have 7 days to kind of finish the summer off, and start school being able to kind of still be together, in that millions of miles apart way.
but today, It was just so tension-filled.
I mean, we had these moments, like normal.
but idk, I just felt this real struggle.
I don't know if we can make it to April,
I think we've gone too strong too fast.
I feel like he's going to come here and we're both going to be like,
"what were we thinking?" and everything we felt will be wasted and embarassing.
I'm also worried about a couple other things:
1. he comes, and I feel "caged" (as Jack would put it) but he might be clingy?
that might happen, but I don't feel like it will.
2. I don't actually like him when we spend some real time together,
how dreadful would that be!?
3. he leaves and I'm left feeling really just, in love and left behind.
all these girls can see their boyfriends (not that he's my boyfriend, but you get the picture) and I can't. but we still act like we're going to see each other tommorow. when we know it's not true.
4. he'll find another girl. plain and simple. or I find another guy. and I won't know what to do.
today he said he had something to tell me and It wouldn't make me happy.
I assumed there was another girl.
but he was simply going to bed.
I actually told him that I was afraid there was another.
and he started typing something, but just said no.
I thought he was a little P.O.ed
but I didn't know what to say,
I don't speak french.
the other thing is that I'm sacraficing my social life for him,
which I understand should be a good thing.
he tells me he loves me more than all his friends.
and I told him he shouldn't.
but I can't really go out or do anything around 5 o'clock.
because I want to be home and talking to him,
and Katie hates it, she knows that I'd choose him over her, because I plan my entire day around getting home at 5 o'clock just to talk to him.
another thing,
I have all these questions to ask him and all these things I want to say,
but the second he gets there I forget all of it.
I just want to talk to him and be with him, so I forget it all! and I just go another day wondering what he wants, and what he's thinking this is going to be like!
he told me not to think about what's going to happen in the future.
he wants to marry me, but I shouldn't worry about it.
well I am.
I'm a stubborn taurus, so... there.
haha, if you haven't guessed, ANOTHER thing:
I was looking on Photobucket.com my new obsessionas.
and there were all these really cute things about love.
and it was 13 things that make you know you're in love (or some variation of that title)
and I don't really know if I love him, I can imagine my life with him and everything, but...idk... I guess I should probably talk to him in real life and everything before we acutally start commiting more than we can even hold.
but the more this goes on, I start to wonder how much of all the things we promise each other are true.
and if the really awkward feelings I have for him in this moment, but not usually mind you, will just be magnified by a million when he gets here.
I don't know him.
I love him.
but I don't know him.
I feel like in some ways I do, but he's so unpredicatable to me.
I can see myself kissing an American boy, and I know what he wants, and what he's planning to do next.
but with Chris, or geehier for that matter, I don't know.
I really don't.
is he going to go for 2nd? is there even a fucking 2nd in france!
like.. I don't know.
maybe Prof was right.
I should have checked my flirting at the U.S. border.
but that's not the problem, now is it.
I should have checked it in France at this point.
because my problem isn't really with JR, it's with what developed without even really seeing each other or knowing what our lives were really like.
I didn't stay with Chris, I barely talked to him.
I've done this before, and I'm afraid it's happened again.
I go online, I develop a relationship, but when this real-life human being seems to walk from behind their protective-shield (aka, the computer) they just don't seem as wonderful as you expected.
and I'm always afraid to persue it.
so it ends up being nothing.
and I've wasted all this time, love, and energy on something that I ruined just from being over eagar.
I think both of us going away is a good thing, and starting school will be a good thing too.
It means we'll stop the development of this relationship until we can continue it together, as real human beings. not robots online.
I have to consider that this is all 9 months away.
and I don't know what will happen, although I'm sure a guy will have nothing to do with it. considering my poor luck with American guys since...forever.
and I talked to Bren, and he really just shot me down and kept shooting.
which I guess I needed, but I haven't really been able to get out of this little funk since.
I totally did this to Ian too.
I just completely started hating who he was and what he was.
I didn't enjoy it anymore.
I just felt like I woke up and went, "wait...what?"
I don't want to do that to Chris,
because I do feel like I like him!
and he treats me right.
so... why do I feel like this?
should I just try to let it pass?
I don't really know what I can do anyway.
it's not like I'm sick of being around him.
it's probably actually the opposite.
I'm sick of the fact that I can't be around him, and I'm tired of waiting for something that is only going to take forever to happen.
and he's become my world, but do I really want my world to live millions of miles away, and visit every other year, if that!?
is that reasonable?
I feel terrible, I love him, I really do.
I think he's the cutest, sweetest, most amazing person I've ever met.
but it's just crazy to think that both of us will wait a good 10 years just to truly be together!
the things he promise me sound so good, but I feel like they're impossible!
don't make promises you can't keep right?
Maybe I have commitment problems, and I'm afraid of what I'm commiting myself to.
is that why I broke up with Ian, was I afraid he was going to start asking for thing I wasn't ready for?
I'm not ready for anything!
there isn't any boy who could possibly walk into my life and understand that!
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm going with, "Only Time will tell."
and hopefully that will be the right idea, and exactly what I need.
so that was just a novel about chris.
don't read it. not worth your time.
the only other thing that's bothering me is that I haven't really done my summer reading.
so far it's boring.
and I hate it.
I'm on page 1.
I guess I have to get into it.
I'm worried I'm not going to be interested in AmStud in the end!
I don't know any American History!
SHIIITT!
I'm going to look like a dumb blonde.
--
I had to edit this beyond reason
like, the worst english I've ever written. I'm so sorry.
just updating.
work: same as before.
Chris: well....
I'll cut this one.
so yeah.
He's leaving in 7 days.
I leave in a little over a week.
I don't come back until late August, he comes back the 13th(or 15th. I won't be here, so whatever.)
then I come back to preseason.
there is no way we're going to be able to talk until he comes.
we have 7 days to kind of finish the summer off, and start school being able to kind of still be together, in that millions of miles apart way.
but today, It was just so tension-filled.
I mean, we had these moments, like normal.
but idk, I just felt this real struggle.
I don't know if we can make it to April,
I think we've gone too strong too fast.
I feel like he's going to come here and we're both going to be like,
"what were we thinking?" and everything we felt will be wasted and embarassing.
I'm also worried about a couple other things:
1. he comes, and I feel "caged" (as Jack would put it) but he might be clingy?
that might happen, but I don't feel like it will.
2. I don't actually like him when we spend some real time together,
how dreadful would that be!?
3. he leaves and I'm left feeling really just, in love and left behind.
all these girls can see their boyfriends (not that he's my boyfriend, but you get the picture) and I can't. but we still act like we're going to see each other tommorow. when we know it's not true.
4. he'll find another girl. plain and simple. or I find another guy. and I won't know what to do.
today he said he had something to tell me and It wouldn't make me happy.
I assumed there was another girl.
but he was simply going to bed.
I actually told him that I was afraid there was another.
and he started typing something, but just said no.
I thought he was a little P.O.ed
but I didn't know what to say,
I don't speak french.
the other thing is that I'm sacraficing my social life for him,
which I understand should be a good thing.
he tells me he loves me more than all his friends.
and I told him he shouldn't.
but I can't really go out or do anything around 5 o'clock.
because I want to be home and talking to him,
and Katie hates it, she knows that I'd choose him over her, because I plan my entire day around getting home at 5 o'clock just to talk to him.
another thing,
I have all these questions to ask him and all these things I want to say,
but the second he gets there I forget all of it.
I just want to talk to him and be with him, so I forget it all! and I just go another day wondering what he wants, and what he's thinking this is going to be like!
he told me not to think about what's going to happen in the future.
he wants to marry me, but I shouldn't worry about it.
well I am.
I'm a stubborn taurus, so... there.
haha, if you haven't guessed, ANOTHER thing:
I was looking on Photobucket.com my new obsessionas.
and there were all these really cute things about love.
and it was 13 things that make you know you're in love (or some variation of that title)
and I don't really know if I love him, I can imagine my life with him and everything, but...idk... I guess I should probably talk to him in real life and everything before we acutally start commiting more than we can even hold.
but the more this goes on, I start to wonder how much of all the things we promise each other are true.
and if the really awkward feelings I have for him in this moment, but not usually mind you, will just be magnified by a million when he gets here.
I don't know him.
I love him.
but I don't know him.
I feel like in some ways I do, but he's so unpredicatable to me.
I can see myself kissing an American boy, and I know what he wants, and what he's planning to do next.
but with Chris, or geehier for that matter, I don't know.
I really don't.
is he going to go for 2nd? is there even a fucking 2nd in france!
like.. I don't know.
maybe Prof was right.
I should have checked my flirting at the U.S. border.
but that's not the problem, now is it.
I should have checked it in France at this point.
because my problem isn't really with JR, it's with what developed without even really seeing each other or knowing what our lives were really like.
I didn't stay with Chris, I barely talked to him.
I've done this before, and I'm afraid it's happened again.
I go online, I develop a relationship, but when this real-life human being seems to walk from behind their protective-shield (aka, the computer) they just don't seem as wonderful as you expected.
and I'm always afraid to persue it.
so it ends up being nothing.
and I've wasted all this time, love, and energy on something that I ruined just from being over eagar.
I think both of us going away is a good thing, and starting school will be a good thing too.
It means we'll stop the development of this relationship until we can continue it together, as real human beings. not robots online.
I have to consider that this is all 9 months away.
and I don't know what will happen, although I'm sure a guy will have nothing to do with it. considering my poor luck with American guys since...forever.
and I talked to Bren, and he really just shot me down and kept shooting.
which I guess I needed, but I haven't really been able to get out of this little funk since.
I totally did this to Ian too.
I just completely started hating who he was and what he was.
I didn't enjoy it anymore.
I just felt like I woke up and went, "wait...what?"
I don't want to do that to Chris,
because I do feel like I like him!
and he treats me right.
so... why do I feel like this?
should I just try to let it pass?
I don't really know what I can do anyway.
it's not like I'm sick of being around him.
it's probably actually the opposite.
I'm sick of the fact that I can't be around him, and I'm tired of waiting for something that is only going to take forever to happen.
and he's become my world, but do I really want my world to live millions of miles away, and visit every other year, if that!?
is that reasonable?
I feel terrible, I love him, I really do.
I think he's the cutest, sweetest, most amazing person I've ever met.
but it's just crazy to think that both of us will wait a good 10 years just to truly be together!
the things he promise me sound so good, but I feel like they're impossible!
don't make promises you can't keep right?
Maybe I have commitment problems, and I'm afraid of what I'm commiting myself to.
is that why I broke up with Ian, was I afraid he was going to start asking for thing I wasn't ready for?
I'm not ready for anything!
there isn't any boy who could possibly walk into my life and understand that!
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm going with, "Only Time will tell."
and hopefully that will be the right idea, and exactly what I need.
so that was just a novel about chris.
don't read it. not worth your time.
the only other thing that's bothering me is that I haven't really done my summer reading.
so far it's boring.
and I hate it.
I'm on page 1.
I guess I have to get into it.
I'm worried I'm not going to be interested in AmStud in the end!
I don't know any American History!
SHIIITT!
I'm going to look like a dumb blonde.
--
I had to edit this beyond reason
like, the worst english I've ever written. I'm so sorry.