Do the Humpty Hump
Title: Do the Humpty Hump
Author: hopenight
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Winn
Warnings: mentions of stripping, student-teacher relationship, some swear words
Prompt: "There needs to be a fic where the gleekers find this video on YouTube (college fundraiser gone horribly wrong?) and all totally lose their shit. I can almost hear Kurt hyperventilating: "His abs, his abs, tiny shorts, backflips...THEY ARE SHOVING DOLLAR BILLS IN HIS PANTS!!"And Will being totally embarrassed but also secretly proud of how much money he raked in that night."
Summary: There are many things, someone should see before they die. Seeing their teacher in a college, charity burlesque show via YouTube is definitely one of them. Or How the Glee Club Learned Mister Schue is a Hot, Hot Piece of a Man-Meat.
A/N: …I have no excuse…Except for this video (which is imperative that you watch) and Matthew Morrison being a sexy beast.
So after the Coach Sylvester incident with Kurt and Mercedes, they glee club decided to stay away from YouTube for just a little bit. More out of fear that Coach Sylvester would find them on it, hunt them all down, and possibly suck the souls out of their bodies. (And that was in her words not their twisted imaginations.)
Alas, trying to keep a teenager off YouTube is like trying to get a thirteen year old to stop reading Twilight…it isn’t happening anytime soon. A couple weeks after the whole “Physical” incident, Artie rolled into the choir room looking equal parts shocked, intimidated, and a little bit flustered. The glee club took one look at their friend before pouncing.
“Artie what’s wrong?” asked Tina concerned.
“Um…”
“Is it the hockey team? Because I’ll go beat them up if you want,” offered Finn kindly.
“I’ll even help Finn, Wheels,” said Puck with his arms crossed, “Some of those guys owe me money. And they haven’t coughed up the cash.”
Artie just shook his head dumbly.
“Are you feeling mistreated? Did Figgins close off another ramp? Because my two gay dads will be all over this like a soft news journalist on a story about an ape adopting a kitten,” said Rachel seriously, whipping out her raspberry colored cell phone.
“Apes have kittens?” asked Brittany suddenly. She looked confused, “I thought they gave birth to monkeys.”
“Of course they do,” assured Santana dryly.
“So what is it Artie?” asked Mercedes, “You looked kind of scared.”
“Mr. Schue…YouTube…Eggs…,” recalled Artie looking around for said teacher.
“Artie!” called Kurt snapping his fingers in his friend’s face, “What about Mr. Schuester?”
“He here?” mumbled Artie glancing around with the same wide-eyed expression on his face.
“No,” said Quinn suddenly, “He stays after a half an hour on Tuesday to offer tutoring help.”
“Good,” said Artie as he opened his laptop, “Because you’re not going to believe this.”
Everyone stood gathering around Artie, who began to tell his story.
“Miss Anderson wanted us to look up odd charities that colleges do and write a report on one of them. I found one done by a small liberal arts college in Pennsylvania where the students put on a burlesque show to raise money for AIDs research and treatment.”
“What the fuck is a burlesque show?” asked Puck.
“Kind of like a strip show with more dancing and no full-on nudity,” said Mike.
The club turned to stare at the dancer, various degrees of questioning on their face.
“Stop looking at me,” demanded Mike flushing, “I have cousins in Vegas alright? They took me to one.”
“Dude we’re going to have to have a talk about why you know this.”
“Guys!” said Artie suddenly, “We really don’t have time for this alright?”
“Sorry Artie,” apologized Matt as Mike and Puck made various threatening hand gestures in between him, “Continue.”
“Right. So I was looking up some past performances on YouTube. And I found one…”
“And?” questioned Tina looking at Artie to continue.
“It was Mr. Schuester’s.”
“WHAT?!” screamed the glee club in unison.
“Oh my God,” said Mercedes, “Put it on, Artie.”
“Seriously?! What was he wearing?” asked Kurt questioningly looking over Artie’s shoulders.
“Lock the doors,” demanded Tina to the football players who stared at her in shock. She crossed her arms and level them with an uncharacteristically brave stare, “Do it now or else Coach Sylvester will hear us. She senses embarrassment especially for Mr. Schue.”
Matt and Mike ran to the doors looking them and drawing the blinds on them.
“We have a couple minutes before Mr. Schue comes in,” said Quinn looking at her watch.
Artie was already loading up YouTube, pulling up the video that he had already seen.
“Ready?”
Various noises of agreement echoed through the club. Artie pressed play.
“Is this more nineties white boy rap?” asked Mercedes as she watched it.
“Oh my God,” said Kurt looking scandalized, “The plaid! What the hell is he wearing?”
“That is one awesome mask,” said Finn, “I wonder if he still has it.”
“He should burn it if he still has it,” groused Kurt with his arms crossed.
“That has to be really hard to move around in,” said Mike with a tilt of his head, “Though with what limited mobility is offered, he’s doing a good job.”
Everyone turned and stared with a raised eyebrow. Artie even paused the video and joined in with the staring.
“Shut up before I remind you why you are all my bitches with dancing,” demanded Mike with his arms crossed.
“Ooookay then,” said Mercedes turning back to the video and pressing play.
“Those girls are really hot,” said Puck as he leaned in, “You think Mr. Schue still has their numbers?”
“He’s not going to help you pimp yourself out, man-whore,” said Santana coolly, “When’s he going to strip?”
“Soon,” mumbled Artie as he leaned back in his chair.
“Oh dear,” said Rachel leaning in, “He’s falling.”
The club leaned in and Artie looked around nervously.
“Guys all this closeness is nice but I’m a little claustrophobic.”
“Shush,” demanded Santana glaring at Artie.
“Yes ma’am.”
“He took his mask off! Oh Patti LuPone! This is Mr. Schuester!” said Kurt with wide eyes.
“They are taking his clothes off,” murmured Tina faintly, entranced.
“I don’t think I’m old enough for this,” said Matt covering his eyes, “There are some things that I don’t need to know about my teachers.”
“He is in his underwear,” gasped Mercedes faintly with a shudder rushing through her, “Oh My God they are taking off his fucking underwear!”
“What?!” squeaked Rachel as she leaned in.
“Oh God, those abs…those abs,” whispered Kurt to himself in a trance as he followed the moments of college-aged Schuester with his eyes.
“Forget the abs,” said Tina with wide eyes, “Those pectorals!”
“He’s probably not as ripped now,” growled Puck with arms crossed.
“Shut up,” said Santana with equal ferocity as she kept her eyes trained to the dancing teacher.
“Those are some sweet moves.”
“Oh God those shorts,” whimpered Kurt to himself eyes falling on the tiny shorts and the chick poking out in the area of a certain part of the anatomy, “Tiny, tiny shorts.”
“Dude is that a chick on his dick?” asked Puck leaning in.
“SHUT UP!” yelled all the girls and Kurt simultaneously.
Finn didn’t say a word just watched the video casually and looked amused with the entire situation in front of him.
Mister Schuester, age twenty-one, was gorgeous. His broad shoulders were outlined in light. His face was stretched in a handsome smile as the lights highlighted the smooth planes of his stomach muscles. His feet were covered by light blue and orange sneakers. The only thing that he wore, other than shoes, was a pair of very short, very tight, very yellow short-shorts with a fluffy chick over a certain area of anatomy.
In short, he was kind of gorgeous like the way the sun is kind of hot.
Rachel swallowed thickly as she followed the curve the teacher’s ass as he danced. Tina looked dumbfounded.
“Is it getting hot in here or is it my pregnancy hormones talking?” inquired Quinn as she pulled her collar.
“No it’s definitely getting hot in her,” placated Mercedes as she watched.
“Are they shoving…” began Kurt, leaning in to get a better look. He squealed out, “OH MY ANDREW LLYOD WEBBER!! THEY ARE SHOVING DOLLAR BILLS DOWN HIS PANTS!!!”
“Kurt! Control!” barked out Santana as her eyes followed the dollars bills brushing against Mr. Schue’s tanned stomach.
“So Mr. Schuester was like my aunt Caroline before she married that rich old guy from Utah?” asked Brittany with a perplexed look on her face, “And can I have the link to this?”
“Can we all have links to this?” said Mercedes with a grin, “Have mercy!”
“Uh…guys?” asked a familiar voice cutting through the choir room, “Why were the doors locked and the blinds closed?”
“Hell-lo Mister Schuester,” purred Quinn with a wicked glint in her eye.
“Down preggo,” demanded Santana, “Down.”
“Can someone answer my question?” asked the teacher looking around the room confused.
Kurt stared at the computer, “You…computer…”
Before he could get another word out, the fey-ish glee club member broke out in unattractive giggling.
“What Kurt meant to say is that we found a video on YouTube of you in college,” said Rachel plainly.
Mister Schue looked confused for a moment before his face turned beet red.
“It’s on the internet?”
The glee club nodded in unison.
“Those were some sweet-ass dance moves Mister S. Can you teach me some of them?” asked Mike eagerly.
“Dude I am getting you laid to remind yourself of your masculinity,” threatened Puck.
“But I don’t want to get down on a cougar,” whispered Mike back looking vaguely terrified.
“Guys!” interrupted the teacher, “Focus! Now can someone please tell me the story?”
Artie launched into the story that he told the glee club earlier. The teacher nodded, accepting the story.
“Alright guys we’re going to pretend that this never happened the moment we leaved this room. Got it?”
The group nodded in unison.
“Mister Schuester?”
“Yes Rachel?”
“How much money did you personally raise?”
The teacher’s ears flushed and a small quirk of the lips overtook his serious teacher expression, “Nine hundred and ninety four dollars. I was the highest earner of the night,” he coughed going back into teacher mode, “Alright guys we’re cancelling practice for today. And we’re pretending this never happened.”
“But…” began Mercedes.
“Never. Happened,” emphasized the teacher, “And Coach Sylvester never hears about this. I had to let Figgins know when I applied for the job. But Coach Sylvester is not allowed to know.”
“Well duh,” said Santana.
“I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” said Mister Schue, waving them out of the room. Though the girls and Kurt tried to stay, they eventually left when they realized that Mister Schue wasn’t going to start stripping for them by power of their mind alone.
“I wonder if time travel is a possibility,” muttered Kurt as he left the room with Mercedes.
Finn stayed behind saying that he had to ask for help on a song from the teacher. When the last glee club member left, he closed the door before turning to Will with a grin.
“That was amusing on so many levels.”
“You’re a very sadistic person, Finn Hudson. This nice guy act has everyone fooled but me.”
“But you were so cute when you were younger,” said Finn as kissed his boyfriend’s forehead.
“I’m still pretty young!”
“Uh-huh, whatever you say old man.”
“You’re evil,” griped Will as he tried to wriggle out of his boyfriend’s grasp.
“You love me,” pointed out the football player as he held on tighter, “Besides let’s be thankful they never found the Kurt Cobain years pictures or your swim team photo.”
“I guess we can be happy for minor miracles.”
“Exactly,” agreed Finn as he nibbled on his boyfriend’s ear. Will shuddered against him and Finn continued, “But you are never, EVER allowed to take your shirt off around the glee club. Otherwise I may have to protect your virtue. The girls and Kurt will molest you.”
“Funny I thought that was what I was doing to you.”
Finn stared into Will’s eyes and patted his shoulder consolingly, “Sure you did.”
They smiled stupidly at each other for a couple seconds.
“So are you coming over tonight?” asked Will as he picked up his bag.
“You know it, Apollo,” said Finn with a wink, “I’ll walk you out.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem. Can I ask you a question, Will?”
“Yeah, Finn?”
“Did you keep the shorts? Because I have an idea for what we can do with them tonight…”
Will shuddered as the promise hung in the air.