Perfect Clarity
I can't give up...I just wasn't wired like this. I know...I know in my heart...that eventually Lacee will read my journal. I will of course be forced to privatize some of these entries (possibly including this one too?)...but fear keeps me from showing all of myself.
I will be cross-posting this to facebook while changing her name back to Normandy, but that's not the point. The point in this entry is to put into writing how strong I know my feelings are becoming. There was a moment yesterday after she tried her coffee where she reached out to me and we touched...a high-five I think it was...I don't remember. It was all a haze and I was just in the moment of enjoying her smile and elating in the fact of knowing I was the one responsible. But now that I have had time to relive the moment a few more times and take in it's bliss...I can also believe I received now a 3rd sign that holds meaning to me.
The first two moments happened when I was speaking to Tess and either Lacee replied to something I had streamed or like when that notification came up that had both our names. Now, as I was on Netflix looking to watch old DS9 episodes one came up at THE MOST awkward time. It was episode 20 of season 6...it had to do with a man who let his own fears keep him from being himself. He had to be shown that he could be himself in front of the woman he loved and confront her as himself...and not in any specific role or as someone who was imprisoned by fear. And yet in all of this...as I take in those reminders of lessons I've known already for years...I can't help but suspect that even -IF- I had a chance to act that my fears would try and grip me even stronger in THAT moment. In moments like this...as I type right now...I feel like my streams and my writing are the only ways I have to be able to talk to Lacee and truly bare my heart to her. In the case that I do decide to keep this entry visible to her eyes I will address her directly in the next paragraph.
---"""Lacee...I am so terribly sorry that my declaration of my crush caused you to feel uncomfortable. It was never of my intentions nor is it ever...to make you feel awkward. -I- can't help how I feel and -you- can't help how you feel, in opposition, to how I feel. I told you before that I try to say the things that I feel show the best of my intents, and that so often they're taken the wrong way. I know that this is one of those times, again...where I risk you feeling the wrong way about me trying to emote myself to you with the best of intentions. I have given you my journal because it felt like the only back-channel left where no matter what happens...you will always be welcome here and always have a way to reach out to me if you ever choose to.
Every time I get to make you smile it makes me smile. Your smile is so important to me and although I have told you some of the reasons why...you still don't know all of them...and frankly I'm afraid to tell you all of them. I would have to know beyond all shadows of doubt that you wouldn't be troubled by anything that I could say and I'm sorry but short of you literally saying that I just wouldn't feel like that on my own. Just like how I told you when we sat together across that divider that if you ever decided to unblock me that I won't be misled or get any false hopes unless you literally told me you liked me.
Oftentimes I have to be told things in a direct and literal sense because I've had times before where I felt like I was getting signals from a woman to make an advance only to end up creating incredibly awkward moments of silence...so I've come to always play things the cautious route. Sure I may miss out on opportunities...but my obsession with not being "that guy" steers me to be more cautious. In fact you really weren't suppose to know about my feelings for you anywhere near as soon as you did...but I guess life just had other plans.
Ya know...I really love complimenting you. It feels so natural it's like breathing. I could go on and on and on saying sweet things to you to bring your spirits up. I even have questions for next week to try and gauge your confidence level so I can try and find things to make you feel the best. I know at some point if you thought on it long enough that eventually you would probably think "Why in the Hell is this guy so incredibly blunt in his honesty...like practically to a fault?" Well the answer to that is that I know what you meant by being betrayed before...and I just want for you to know that I would never lie to you...I would never hurt you...and I would never abandon you. You don't have to tell me about what happened to you because I knew it the moment you said it. You lightly relived what happened when you mentioned it and I picked up on it...felt you feeling it. That is my gift and my curse, and when I felt that in you it caused me to relive when others did that to me as well. Just like when you tried to guess that one riddle with throwing feelings. I could feel your frustration...I wished so bad that I could show you that there ARE others who would fight for you and sacrifice for you.
You have been hurt through the years because those who weren't worthy of you were blind to your true value. I see your value...and I'd fight every day to show you how much I appreciate it if you'd let me? I adore you so much...and because of that I want for you to feel the bliss of knowing that you are adored by someone in this world. I wish you could feel the total and utter comfort of the embraces I've known in my life. I have known at times in my life such joy from feeling how much I was loved that it made me cry tears of complete happiness. I have felt in my life that there were times when I didn't even need to build walls...and that's why that my being able to feel how high, how thick, how wide, how strong you've made your own walls...that I know how emotional of a heart you carry within yourself. I know the hurts that you hide...and I long so deeply to show you what joys are possible when the right people are let in for the right honest reasons. I don't believe you've ever truly felt what it's like to know that someone, who's not family, is in your corner to support you no matter how bad things get...to know that there is someone who is fully devoted to you and dedicated to your happiness and comfort. I wish I could show you how much you mean to me...but as long as your walls are up and you don't see me the same way that I see you...that no matter how much I try to word things the right way...that they will always fail to evoke your heart...that these words may even risk having you push me further away from you than you already have. So please forgive me for trying...
Lacee...you really don't know the effect your own happiness has on me. The couple of times I've had the opportunity to make you smile has been a blessing and given me such a good day each time that nothing or no amount of other stress could ruin it. People at work have noted a bounce in my step and the telltale curls around my eyes showing a smile that a mask couldn't hide...a tone of playful confidence in my voice and random joking nature that although not commonplace at my job, has been very normal for me outside of work...yet also missing for a couple of years now...they note it but they don't know why. You were why...because that's what knowing that it was me that brought just a small fleeting smile to your face...did for me. I struggle to find the courage to say things like this at work, but on here it comes with ease...damn my nervousness.
I get so nervous every time I go to talk with you...always worried that I'll say the wrong thing...or that you'll decide to push me away. I've always been a person who never had any concerns about confidence because I use to always exude it. I've always had confidence in living life and sharing life with others...and then lol you came along and shook all my foundations to dust. There are things that are different about you than any other woman I've been interested in, in my whole life, but because there are certain subjects I swore I'd never discuss in your presence as long as our communication was held at a distance then I can't even mention them here with you possibly reading these words of mine. Just know that you are truly unique to me...there is an innocence about you...a sense of purity. In you I sense such an emotional heart...a true treasure...and yes...call me selfish...but I wish I had that treasure...to polish and take care of and protect.
The more I get to know you Lacee...the more similarities I see between us. And even when there are differences...they only tend to endear you to me even more. By now I've probably already mentioned to you how much I'm addicted to talking to you but I will try to elaborate more right here. I've already shared some tiny things in my life with you...but to me they are symbolic of how I live my life...enjoying it's tastes as you have enjoyed the amaretto and chai lattes...it's about comforts and simple joys. I have an advanced, extended, and diverse talent for both understanding and creating complication and ambiguity. But when it comes down to it...my life is about simplicity and emotion. I wish to share all the joys I've known in my life with you...share my intellect with you...share my heart with you. I wish I had a chance to enrich and expand your world...I try by doing things like sharing what I have thus far...and will continue to try in those small ways so long as you'll continue to welcome those efforts. Yet there is so so so much more I wish I could show you.
And yet it's not about me. I yearn to know about your life and your experiences. I wish I knew all the bad things and all the good things. All the bad because I wish I could invert those things...erase the effects of those stains from your heart. And all the good...so that I could improve upon them and help make them even better for you. And all the things that you don't know...so that I could teach you all of my painfully learned lessons so that you wouldn't have to go through the pain in learning them for yourself. No other woman has had me wanting to be a part of their world. It used to always be about wanting to make them a part of mine...now I absolutely wouldn't mind being absorbed into someone else's life...so long as I knew I was welcomed in it and made the difference in it. You've actually changed me in a few really important and maturing ways...I just wish you cared for me to elaborate more.
With this journal you now know my entire life should you choose or dare to get into it. I'm giving you even more power now to destroy me from within, but I trust you implicitly. I once asked you if you were a patient person and you said yes you were. I believe that is the truest answer you've given to me yet...simply because by now anyone else would have told me to leave them alone entirely...and yet you still deal with me. I pray I made the right decision in giving you this kind of unfettered access to my life. I hope so much that it has the effect that I'm wanting in helping you to understand me and maybe even appreciate me some small bit...and not the opposite. I suppose time will tell whether this was a massive mistake that will impact future decisions I make in my life...or maybe if for once I made the right choice about something.
Lacee...I absolutely love your name. It's a beautiful and simple name, yet elegant and refined. So many times I've longed to call you by your name but I've felt unworthy to say it while face to face with you. I personally feel like I have to be on a higher level than I'm currently at in your eyes to be able to utter it, so for the time being I still choose to call you by Normandy. I always dream that one day I'll feel worthy enough to call you by your name when being face to face with you Lacee...but for the moment it's just not how it is.
There are still so many things I wish I could say, but for the time being I choose to keep it at the level we have agreed to...because until you say otherwise I will continue to feel that I have not yet earned the right to. I'm not sure if you realized it or not but even though I may have declared my crush for you...I still have not actually asked you on a date. The fact is I'm not going to either...not unless you ever chose to say enough on the matter that I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't be rejected. Also...if I didn't say it to you when I gave you this journal address, then you also need to know...I'm not going to ever ask you if you've ever read this journal. The only way I'll ever know is if you say that you have...or if I obviously pick up on you trying to distance yourself from me...then I'd know for sure that I made a mistake by giving this to you. I won't ever ask you about whether you've read this because the fact is if you came here out of a curiosity/desire to learn more about me and if your curiosity/desire hasn't been hurt by this entry (yes, at this point I have indeed decided that I'm going to keep it public for you to read)...then I would be stupid to try to get you to drop the blanket of anonymity you are enjoying in being able to do this. I mean...that was the point after all...and I feel like if you had to show me you would be reading these then you would probably be deterred from it actually.
Your comfort means so much to me Lacee. I'm sorry that I can't take my feelings out of the equation but it's just not possible. You see...in my opinion you've already earned those parts of me that you know of but haven't felt using your own. Just like all the times I've offered you help in any form...you may never take me up on those offers...but I'll also never stop offering just because you declined either. Trust me, please, Lacee, when I tell you that continuing to get to know me will not hurt either of us. I am not hurt by your rejection...it happens...it's a natural part of life...and you should never feel bad in any way about it...it's just how it is. Now what would hurt me...would be if you allowed yourself to pull back because you felt bad about continuing our association because you felt guilty over anything...because there's nothing to feel guilty about. I adore you because you are special...because I see unique and special things about you that are worthy of nothing less than the deepest and most genuine and generous of efforts from any guy. You have been hurt...that hurt has molded you in certain ways...and those ways had consequences. That pain took your damaged heart and made it even more understanding and beautiful...but also...sadly...said pain forced your heart to build walls so high that you can make it even more lonely for yourself at times. That's why it must be such a benefit to living so close to those you trust the most...because the comfort of family in those times is just a quick jaunt away. Tell me I'm wrong in this analysis and I'll never speak of it again...but if I'm right...then would you please ask yourself how and why it is that I can know you so well without you needing to bring up details or once even saying it...and what significant meaning that could possibly have??
So there, dear woman...I have lain my heart and soul out completely bare for you. I hope against fear that I've not driven you in the opposite direction...but I had to put 98% of it all out there for you...because I hate not being able to be myself and say how I feel...and because I know I'd never have the courage nor the opportunity to say this in your presence otherwise. So the next time we meet you will know the true me...but I'll have no clue at all if you really do unless you come forward with it. I can and DO promise you that I will be exactly how I've been when I'm around you. I will keep walking off most of the time when you come in the door each morning...I will always stroll by just minutes before the break bells...I will always walk very slowly down the short isles hoping that when you catch up that you'll talk at me while I'm looking down lanes (yes...that's why I've always walked slow...I'm usually MUCH faster). I will be as I've always been...and if you choose to stay the same then I'll never know any different. The best I can hope for is a random message from you on facebook, or words from you while looking me in the eye. Or if this didn't make any difference then nothing at all will change. Or in my nightmares...you'll tell me stop coming around and I will of course honor your wishes...or even worse I'll get a call telling me I'm out of a really good job. From this point the ball is literally in your court. I will come around with riddles and questions without end if you'll let me, but from this point I can do no more. Believe me, Lacee, I wish I could ask you out...I wish you'd eventually want to...I'd even be really tempted to ask if I were to ever find out you were available...but I still won't. You'd have to come to me in some form or another and short of being direct with me just hope that I'm not SOOOO dense that I'd miss any clue-ins...which funny enough I'm terrible at.
Just remember this for me please...always remember to call-in properly whenever you plan not to be at work. I'd be lost without being able to see your enchanting eyes each day...the beauty and power of one stare from you is enough to enthrall me on a whim every time. So please keep your job and don't give up no matter how maddeningly frustrating it can get...because without being able to see your face at work each day my own job would become like that every day of every week. That was a compliment...lol so please just accept it for what it is and run with it."""---
So yeah...that's what I would say to her if I could...it will probably be a few days before I feel comfortable enough to give her my journal. Guess it just depends on how the conversations go and the coming days unfold. It's funny, but perfectly emblematic of me...I mentioned before I started addressing her that I was going to make a paragraph...then one paragraph turned into 14-paragraphs!! But I just had so much to say...and just a couple really really important points that I still can't. I mean I prolly would if she asked...yet I doubt she'd care enough to ask.
Unrequited was a name I have called myself for a long time and it was also once a name I referred to myself as back in my 20s...but the irony is it also fits perfectly. The simple truth is you can't make a woman feel a way about you that she doesn't want to feel. Taylor, one of my subordinate sergeants on nightshift, says that with her and her husband it was a case of right person, wrong time...and that they went through try after try (one would be into it, but not the other or nerves would make either of them lose their gall and split off at different times) with it being the wrong circumstances until eventually they got it completely perfect on like the 4th or 5th go. Now they're married, both of them head over heels for eachother and with kids.
I don't think that this is anywhere near optimistic or applicable in my own situation, however, because if she views me as a wrong person...which I fully believe that she does...then the fact is that no time would ever be the right time. I can put in all the effort in the world that I can want, but much like with her own prior failures with men...if the other person doesn't want to see the merit in it...then my efforts will never work and will always fall on blind eyes. It's just how my life is...I am used to it...but I'm never fully prepared for it no matter how many times it happens. But one thing I did notice this week...and it hit me while I was walking alone at work thinking, as I so often do with my patrols I tend to introspect, that even with as many broken hearts as I've endured in my life...pieces of my heart breaking away into smaller pieces each and every time...whenever I finally DO find a piece of my heart...that piece, no matter how much smaller, burns even brighter in it's passion...feels even deeper...each and every time.
So as the title states, this is about perfect clarity...one moment of perfect clarity I explained in the last paragraph...but the other is that I've got to start trying to bring out the more outgoing me -- hence the DS9 referencing earlier. I don't know if I can do it without actually being in the dating game again...but I've gotta find that Thorn from my 20s that knew how to party and have a good time even when he was single...and find a way to show that I'm not the stick in the mud outside of work that I am when in pro-mode AT work. It's been a couple of years since I was so outgoing with the charm and extroverted personality...do I really have it in me to find and pull it out again?
Oh well...back to my sword katas.
I will be cross-posting this to facebook while changing her name back to Normandy, but that's not the point. The point in this entry is to put into writing how strong I know my feelings are becoming. There was a moment yesterday after she tried her coffee where she reached out to me and we touched...a high-five I think it was...I don't remember. It was all a haze and I was just in the moment of enjoying her smile and elating in the fact of knowing I was the one responsible. But now that I have had time to relive the moment a few more times and take in it's bliss...I can also believe I received now a 3rd sign that holds meaning to me.
The first two moments happened when I was speaking to Tess and either Lacee replied to something I had streamed or like when that notification came up that had both our names. Now, as I was on Netflix looking to watch old DS9 episodes one came up at THE MOST awkward time. It was episode 20 of season 6...it had to do with a man who let his own fears keep him from being himself. He had to be shown that he could be himself in front of the woman he loved and confront her as himself...and not in any specific role or as someone who was imprisoned by fear. And yet in all of this...as I take in those reminders of lessons I've known already for years...I can't help but suspect that even -IF- I had a chance to act that my fears would try and grip me even stronger in THAT moment. In moments like this...as I type right now...I feel like my streams and my writing are the only ways I have to be able to talk to Lacee and truly bare my heart to her. In the case that I do decide to keep this entry visible to her eyes I will address her directly in the next paragraph.
---"""Lacee...I am so terribly sorry that my declaration of my crush caused you to feel uncomfortable. It was never of my intentions nor is it ever...to make you feel awkward. -I- can't help how I feel and -you- can't help how you feel, in opposition, to how I feel. I told you before that I try to say the things that I feel show the best of my intents, and that so often they're taken the wrong way. I know that this is one of those times, again...where I risk you feeling the wrong way about me trying to emote myself to you with the best of intentions. I have given you my journal because it felt like the only back-channel left where no matter what happens...you will always be welcome here and always have a way to reach out to me if you ever choose to.
Every time I get to make you smile it makes me smile. Your smile is so important to me and although I have told you some of the reasons why...you still don't know all of them...and frankly I'm afraid to tell you all of them. I would have to know beyond all shadows of doubt that you wouldn't be troubled by anything that I could say and I'm sorry but short of you literally saying that I just wouldn't feel like that on my own. Just like how I told you when we sat together across that divider that if you ever decided to unblock me that I won't be misled or get any false hopes unless you literally told me you liked me.
Oftentimes I have to be told things in a direct and literal sense because I've had times before where I felt like I was getting signals from a woman to make an advance only to end up creating incredibly awkward moments of silence...so I've come to always play things the cautious route. Sure I may miss out on opportunities...but my obsession with not being "that guy" steers me to be more cautious. In fact you really weren't suppose to know about my feelings for you anywhere near as soon as you did...but I guess life just had other plans.
Ya know...I really love complimenting you. It feels so natural it's like breathing. I could go on and on and on saying sweet things to you to bring your spirits up. I even have questions for next week to try and gauge your confidence level so I can try and find things to make you feel the best. I know at some point if you thought on it long enough that eventually you would probably think "Why in the Hell is this guy so incredibly blunt in his honesty...like practically to a fault?" Well the answer to that is that I know what you meant by being betrayed before...and I just want for you to know that I would never lie to you...I would never hurt you...and I would never abandon you. You don't have to tell me about what happened to you because I knew it the moment you said it. You lightly relived what happened when you mentioned it and I picked up on it...felt you feeling it. That is my gift and my curse, and when I felt that in you it caused me to relive when others did that to me as well. Just like when you tried to guess that one riddle with throwing feelings. I could feel your frustration...I wished so bad that I could show you that there ARE others who would fight for you and sacrifice for you.
You have been hurt through the years because those who weren't worthy of you were blind to your true value. I see your value...and I'd fight every day to show you how much I appreciate it if you'd let me? I adore you so much...and because of that I want for you to feel the bliss of knowing that you are adored by someone in this world. I wish you could feel the total and utter comfort of the embraces I've known in my life. I have known at times in my life such joy from feeling how much I was loved that it made me cry tears of complete happiness. I have felt in my life that there were times when I didn't even need to build walls...and that's why that my being able to feel how high, how thick, how wide, how strong you've made your own walls...that I know how emotional of a heart you carry within yourself. I know the hurts that you hide...and I long so deeply to show you what joys are possible when the right people are let in for the right honest reasons. I don't believe you've ever truly felt what it's like to know that someone, who's not family, is in your corner to support you no matter how bad things get...to know that there is someone who is fully devoted to you and dedicated to your happiness and comfort. I wish I could show you how much you mean to me...but as long as your walls are up and you don't see me the same way that I see you...that no matter how much I try to word things the right way...that they will always fail to evoke your heart...that these words may even risk having you push me further away from you than you already have. So please forgive me for trying...
Lacee...you really don't know the effect your own happiness has on me. The couple of times I've had the opportunity to make you smile has been a blessing and given me such a good day each time that nothing or no amount of other stress could ruin it. People at work have noted a bounce in my step and the telltale curls around my eyes showing a smile that a mask couldn't hide...a tone of playful confidence in my voice and random joking nature that although not commonplace at my job, has been very normal for me outside of work...yet also missing for a couple of years now...they note it but they don't know why. You were why...because that's what knowing that it was me that brought just a small fleeting smile to your face...did for me. I struggle to find the courage to say things like this at work, but on here it comes with ease...damn my nervousness.
I get so nervous every time I go to talk with you...always worried that I'll say the wrong thing...or that you'll decide to push me away. I've always been a person who never had any concerns about confidence because I use to always exude it. I've always had confidence in living life and sharing life with others...and then lol you came along and shook all my foundations to dust. There are things that are different about you than any other woman I've been interested in, in my whole life, but because there are certain subjects I swore I'd never discuss in your presence as long as our communication was held at a distance then I can't even mention them here with you possibly reading these words of mine. Just know that you are truly unique to me...there is an innocence about you...a sense of purity. In you I sense such an emotional heart...a true treasure...and yes...call me selfish...but I wish I had that treasure...to polish and take care of and protect.
The more I get to know you Lacee...the more similarities I see between us. And even when there are differences...they only tend to endear you to me even more. By now I've probably already mentioned to you how much I'm addicted to talking to you but I will try to elaborate more right here. I've already shared some tiny things in my life with you...but to me they are symbolic of how I live my life...enjoying it's tastes as you have enjoyed the amaretto and chai lattes...it's about comforts and simple joys. I have an advanced, extended, and diverse talent for both understanding and creating complication and ambiguity. But when it comes down to it...my life is about simplicity and emotion. I wish to share all the joys I've known in my life with you...share my intellect with you...share my heart with you. I wish I had a chance to enrich and expand your world...I try by doing things like sharing what I have thus far...and will continue to try in those small ways so long as you'll continue to welcome those efforts. Yet there is so so so much more I wish I could show you.
And yet it's not about me. I yearn to know about your life and your experiences. I wish I knew all the bad things and all the good things. All the bad because I wish I could invert those things...erase the effects of those stains from your heart. And all the good...so that I could improve upon them and help make them even better for you. And all the things that you don't know...so that I could teach you all of my painfully learned lessons so that you wouldn't have to go through the pain in learning them for yourself. No other woman has had me wanting to be a part of their world. It used to always be about wanting to make them a part of mine...now I absolutely wouldn't mind being absorbed into someone else's life...so long as I knew I was welcomed in it and made the difference in it. You've actually changed me in a few really important and maturing ways...I just wish you cared for me to elaborate more.
With this journal you now know my entire life should you choose or dare to get into it. I'm giving you even more power now to destroy me from within, but I trust you implicitly. I once asked you if you were a patient person and you said yes you were. I believe that is the truest answer you've given to me yet...simply because by now anyone else would have told me to leave them alone entirely...and yet you still deal with me. I pray I made the right decision in giving you this kind of unfettered access to my life. I hope so much that it has the effect that I'm wanting in helping you to understand me and maybe even appreciate me some small bit...and not the opposite. I suppose time will tell whether this was a massive mistake that will impact future decisions I make in my life...or maybe if for once I made the right choice about something.
Lacee...I absolutely love your name. It's a beautiful and simple name, yet elegant and refined. So many times I've longed to call you by your name but I've felt unworthy to say it while face to face with you. I personally feel like I have to be on a higher level than I'm currently at in your eyes to be able to utter it, so for the time being I still choose to call you by Normandy. I always dream that one day I'll feel worthy enough to call you by your name when being face to face with you Lacee...but for the moment it's just not how it is.
There are still so many things I wish I could say, but for the time being I choose to keep it at the level we have agreed to...because until you say otherwise I will continue to feel that I have not yet earned the right to. I'm not sure if you realized it or not but even though I may have declared my crush for you...I still have not actually asked you on a date. The fact is I'm not going to either...not unless you ever chose to say enough on the matter that I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't be rejected. Also...if I didn't say it to you when I gave you this journal address, then you also need to know...I'm not going to ever ask you if you've ever read this journal. The only way I'll ever know is if you say that you have...or if I obviously pick up on you trying to distance yourself from me...then I'd know for sure that I made a mistake by giving this to you. I won't ever ask you about whether you've read this because the fact is if you came here out of a curiosity/desire to learn more about me and if your curiosity/desire hasn't been hurt by this entry (yes, at this point I have indeed decided that I'm going to keep it public for you to read)...then I would be stupid to try to get you to drop the blanket of anonymity you are enjoying in being able to do this. I mean...that was the point after all...and I feel like if you had to show me you would be reading these then you would probably be deterred from it actually.
Your comfort means so much to me Lacee. I'm sorry that I can't take my feelings out of the equation but it's just not possible. You see...in my opinion you've already earned those parts of me that you know of but haven't felt using your own. Just like all the times I've offered you help in any form...you may never take me up on those offers...but I'll also never stop offering just because you declined either. Trust me, please, Lacee, when I tell you that continuing to get to know me will not hurt either of us. I am not hurt by your rejection...it happens...it's a natural part of life...and you should never feel bad in any way about it...it's just how it is. Now what would hurt me...would be if you allowed yourself to pull back because you felt bad about continuing our association because you felt guilty over anything...because there's nothing to feel guilty about. I adore you because you are special...because I see unique and special things about you that are worthy of nothing less than the deepest and most genuine and generous of efforts from any guy. You have been hurt...that hurt has molded you in certain ways...and those ways had consequences. That pain took your damaged heart and made it even more understanding and beautiful...but also...sadly...said pain forced your heart to build walls so high that you can make it even more lonely for yourself at times. That's why it must be such a benefit to living so close to those you trust the most...because the comfort of family in those times is just a quick jaunt away. Tell me I'm wrong in this analysis and I'll never speak of it again...but if I'm right...then would you please ask yourself how and why it is that I can know you so well without you needing to bring up details or once even saying it...and what significant meaning that could possibly have??
So there, dear woman...I have lain my heart and soul out completely bare for you. I hope against fear that I've not driven you in the opposite direction...but I had to put 98% of it all out there for you...because I hate not being able to be myself and say how I feel...and because I know I'd never have the courage nor the opportunity to say this in your presence otherwise. So the next time we meet you will know the true me...but I'll have no clue at all if you really do unless you come forward with it. I can and DO promise you that I will be exactly how I've been when I'm around you. I will keep walking off most of the time when you come in the door each morning...I will always stroll by just minutes before the break bells...I will always walk very slowly down the short isles hoping that when you catch up that you'll talk at me while I'm looking down lanes (yes...that's why I've always walked slow...I'm usually MUCH faster). I will be as I've always been...and if you choose to stay the same then I'll never know any different. The best I can hope for is a random message from you on facebook, or words from you while looking me in the eye. Or if this didn't make any difference then nothing at all will change. Or in my nightmares...you'll tell me stop coming around and I will of course honor your wishes...or even worse I'll get a call telling me I'm out of a really good job. From this point the ball is literally in your court. I will come around with riddles and questions without end if you'll let me, but from this point I can do no more. Believe me, Lacee, I wish I could ask you out...I wish you'd eventually want to...I'd even be really tempted to ask if I were to ever find out you were available...but I still won't. You'd have to come to me in some form or another and short of being direct with me just hope that I'm not SOOOO dense that I'd miss any clue-ins...which funny enough I'm terrible at.
Just remember this for me please...always remember to call-in properly whenever you plan not to be at work. I'd be lost without being able to see your enchanting eyes each day...the beauty and power of one stare from you is enough to enthrall me on a whim every time. So please keep your job and don't give up no matter how maddeningly frustrating it can get...because without being able to see your face at work each day my own job would become like that every day of every week. That was a compliment...lol so please just accept it for what it is and run with it."""---
So yeah...that's what I would say to her if I could...it will probably be a few days before I feel comfortable enough to give her my journal. Guess it just depends on how the conversations go and the coming days unfold. It's funny, but perfectly emblematic of me...I mentioned before I started addressing her that I was going to make a paragraph...then one paragraph turned into 14-paragraphs!! But I just had so much to say...and just a couple really really important points that I still can't. I mean I prolly would if she asked...yet I doubt she'd care enough to ask.
Unrequited was a name I have called myself for a long time and it was also once a name I referred to myself as back in my 20s...but the irony is it also fits perfectly. The simple truth is you can't make a woman feel a way about you that she doesn't want to feel. Taylor, one of my subordinate sergeants on nightshift, says that with her and her husband it was a case of right person, wrong time...and that they went through try after try (one would be into it, but not the other or nerves would make either of them lose their gall and split off at different times) with it being the wrong circumstances until eventually they got it completely perfect on like the 4th or 5th go. Now they're married, both of them head over heels for eachother and with kids.
I don't think that this is anywhere near optimistic or applicable in my own situation, however, because if she views me as a wrong person...which I fully believe that she does...then the fact is that no time would ever be the right time. I can put in all the effort in the world that I can want, but much like with her own prior failures with men...if the other person doesn't want to see the merit in it...then my efforts will never work and will always fall on blind eyes. It's just how my life is...I am used to it...but I'm never fully prepared for it no matter how many times it happens. But one thing I did notice this week...and it hit me while I was walking alone at work thinking, as I so often do with my patrols I tend to introspect, that even with as many broken hearts as I've endured in my life...pieces of my heart breaking away into smaller pieces each and every time...whenever I finally DO find a piece of my heart...that piece, no matter how much smaller, burns even brighter in it's passion...feels even deeper...each and every time.
So as the title states, this is about perfect clarity...one moment of perfect clarity I explained in the last paragraph...but the other is that I've got to start trying to bring out the more outgoing me -- hence the DS9 referencing earlier. I don't know if I can do it without actually being in the dating game again...but I've gotta find that Thorn from my 20s that knew how to party and have a good time even when he was single...and find a way to show that I'm not the stick in the mud outside of work that I am when in pro-mode AT work. It's been a couple of years since I was so outgoing with the charm and extroverted personality...do I really have it in me to find and pull it out again?
Oh well...back to my sword katas.