(no subject)

Apr 07, 2006 23:16

So yeah, I really havent had a life in a while and its starting to get on my nervs. I really just wish I could take like two weeks off and maybe go out and do something really fun. I hope soon I'll have some time for me, and me ony. I really need a break, more then you even know.

So this week has been good, for the most part. I've been doing better in all my classes, except math ofcourse. Math really is my worst subject in the world, I cant even do the simplest things, and I feel so stupid sometimes. I know I'm not stupid but I mean seriously, it gets so frustrating sometimes. Ughh whatever. Math summer school, here I comeeee. Mr. Cicero is my mentor, he pretty much checks up on me to see how I'm doing now that I'm off my school probation shit. I guess its good because he's only been my mentor since monday and I already notcied a difference, along with all my other teachers too. Hes keeping track of shit I do in class and stuff, its good, its helping me out anyways since the school decided to pretty much expell me and then let me back it a month later and expect me to pass. Whatever.

I came to the conclusion that I really hate almost everyone at Assabet Vally, except for a select few. I really just cant wait to get the hell out of there and do my own thing, I cant fucking wait. I know everyones saying that I'm going to miss high school and blah blah blah, but I really dont think I will. I HATE high school with a passion. What freaks me out more then anything is, if this is the " best years of my life " then I dont want to know what the rest of my life is going to be like, at all. High school sucks, so in reality, when people say that to you it really means " hey high school sucks and life sucks even more ", or at least thats my opinion on it. I wish I could meet me in 20 years from now, and see what I'm doing and who I am and how I'm living. That would be amazing.

I really need to find a boyfriend. I need to have that feeling again. The feeling of actually beeing wanted and feeling like no matter what, you'll always have someone their to hug you and make you feel better or just be their through anything, no matter what. I need to be in love again. I want nothing more then to just feel loved, and have someone love me back. My last real relationship threw me over the bounderies. I thought everything was amazing, and I had the best friend you could ask for, and the most amazing boyfriend you can ask for, and then to find out your best friend slept with your boyfriend of over two years. I mean honestly, who could do something like that to their " Best friend ". It makes me sick every single time I think about it. I havnt been myself since thats happened, and I'm finally starting to compleatly get over it, and get over everything that happened. I'm starting to be me again. I've missed it. I feel content with myself right now, and I feel ready enough to move on and start a new relationship. I told that to him, and he really didnt take it too well. What the fuck am I suposed to do? Be wrapped up around him the rest of my life? I dont fucking think so buddy. I was never one to cry over guys, until I met him. Yeah, I wont lie, he was my heart, my everything, but now hes nothing but an ex. Nothing but another guy that breaks hearts. I hate him so much, but at the same time I cant say that without remembering all the good things we've been through together, and all the memories we share. I hate feelings. All I know is that I will never go back to him ever, not in a million years, seriously, if he breaks my heart once, what makes me think for two seconds he wont do it again? Nothing, exactly. He can say he changed all he wants, but I dont buy it. He still seems like the same old Crhistopher to me. I dont need his bullshit and I'm not going to take it again, ever. I'm sure you're all laughing and thinking I'm crazy while reading this, but if you knew the shit I went through with him, you would all understand where I'm comming from.

But anyways, I really do need a boyfriend and its makeing me mad. I wanna have a baby boy, and I wanna be someones baby girl again. I want to snuggle under the stars all night long, and hold hangs while walking around places, and someone to give me kisses on the forhead and someone to just be cute with.

So, yeah in other news, I hung out with April last night, my god, I missed her. Shes such a sweetie pie. We wound up going to Maynard to see Emily. Turns out she was at Livies science fair at her school so we decided to go their and see them, but we didnt really know where the school was. Greg wanted to hang out earlyer that day, so we picked him up and headed down to fouler(sp?) school in maynard. Turns out the science fair was over, and Emily had already left, so I called her and she came back and we hung out in the parking lot for a while. Haha shes such a fucking doll, I love that girl soo much. She was talking like she was on speed or something, like a mile a minute, it was crazy I loooooooooved it!!!! I misss hanging out with her so much!! For some reason, she kept grabbing my boobs, and I laughed. Then I got into a fist fight with Greg and we all laughed. And then Emmy had to go home so we all left. Me and April dropped off Greg at his house, and headed home. We talked on the ride home, shes such a cutie! Then she didnt know exactly how to get back home so my mom had us follow her until she knew where she was going. Then I came home and PASSSSSSED out.

Tonight, I went to school Their was a peprally. I wanted to hang myself. Then I went to work for the night.

Tomorow, I'll be at roller kingdom from 12:30 in the afternoon, to 1:30 at night. WISH ME LUCK!! I'm gunna like die. Come see me if you love me =)

ok well, I think I'm going to bed now.
<3nightnight3
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