and here we are
What an interesting month it has been. I am now back in the good ol' USofA, for medical treatment. Nothing serious, hopefully I will be done soon and on my way to a "normal" life. I will not be returning to Iraq. My folks are still there however. They are still "conserving the fighting strength" and working on people. From what I understand most recently they had pediatric patients, that got caught in the crossfire. Tragic. I feel for them. I want to be with them, I miss the comradery. It is non-existent here, all the soldiers here have their own agenda it seems. And rightfully so, they want to get on with getting on as much I do.
I am finding it difficult to re-adjust, but still, all the while making the effort. It is frustrating to be around a lot of people in one place. I jump when I hear loud sounds. But from what I understand that is normal, it happens. Its actually quite entertaining if you sit around and watch when a loud sound is made...we all jump a little and immediately look around. I was never exposed to IED's directly but I was exposed to a few mortars here and there. I guess one is one too many. Funny story: I was sitting at a coffee shop last weekend, outside chatting with friends and we heard this POP POP....POP POP POP...I nearly fell out of my chair looking for cover and almost broke my neck trying to figure out where it was coming from. They just sat there and asked if I was ok. No comments were made, they didnot laugh, in fact they seemed understanding of what I was feeling. Looking back on it now, I have to laugh at myself. The funny thing is, when I was downrange gunfire never bothered me. I heard it day in and day out for nine months....into the night...while I was on guard. It didnt matter the time of day, it was constant. The same with IED's and mortars. It may not have been directly in front of me, but when you heard a loud BOOOOOM,you just knew, someone or something was just blown up. And soon after you would receive the results of it. You just got used to it. But here those noises are not common, I mean they are, but it just a strange feeling. Here you have no gear, no weapon, no bunkers....and you know that those BOOMS are just something falling, or a car backfiring...I guess it just takes you back and makes you feel vulnerable. Thats funny you know, I felt safe there, WITH all the things that could kill me...but here where that likelihood is slim, I feel vulnerable and scared.
Things with Shay and I are, well I dont even know how to describe it. She thinks I cheated on her in Iraq, based on some survey that I took. I didnt...I wouldnt...I couldnt I am not capable of cheating on her. But there is no convincing her otherwise at this point, and I wonder if ever. It is causing some serious problems. Where once we could talk openly, we are guarded and ....."I said,You said" is the 'game' that we are playing. There are no clear lines. I feel like I am compromising tons and she naught. She says she will not budge...we are still debating just what that means. I guess it would help if we knew just what we were fighting for....and by that I intended it to be a play on words. i.e WHY are we fighting...and in the end what is it all for? to prove right or wrong, are we fighting to keep the relationship going? Whats it all about? For me, I dont think I can be in a relationship where I am not trusted, where my word is questioned. But then I have to ask, is this distrust temporary? Is it something we can both healthfully recover from. Or are we permanently damaged from this...as individuals and as a couple. And if there is permanent damage can we live with that? I guess time will tell. Thats all I got right now.
I am finding it difficult to re-adjust, but still, all the while making the effort. It is frustrating to be around a lot of people in one place. I jump when I hear loud sounds. But from what I understand that is normal, it happens. Its actually quite entertaining if you sit around and watch when a loud sound is made...we all jump a little and immediately look around. I was never exposed to IED's directly but I was exposed to a few mortars here and there. I guess one is one too many. Funny story: I was sitting at a coffee shop last weekend, outside chatting with friends and we heard this POP POP....POP POP POP...I nearly fell out of my chair looking for cover and almost broke my neck trying to figure out where it was coming from. They just sat there and asked if I was ok. No comments were made, they didnot laugh, in fact they seemed understanding of what I was feeling. Looking back on it now, I have to laugh at myself. The funny thing is, when I was downrange gunfire never bothered me. I heard it day in and day out for nine months....into the night...while I was on guard. It didnt matter the time of day, it was constant. The same with IED's and mortars. It may not have been directly in front of me, but when you heard a loud BOOOOOM,you just knew, someone or something was just blown up. And soon after you would receive the results of it. You just got used to it. But here those noises are not common, I mean they are, but it just a strange feeling. Here you have no gear, no weapon, no bunkers....and you know that those BOOMS are just something falling, or a car backfiring...I guess it just takes you back and makes you feel vulnerable. Thats funny you know, I felt safe there, WITH all the things that could kill me...but here where that likelihood is slim, I feel vulnerable and scared.
Things with Shay and I are, well I dont even know how to describe it. She thinks I cheated on her in Iraq, based on some survey that I took. I didnt...I wouldnt...I couldnt I am not capable of cheating on her. But there is no convincing her otherwise at this point, and I wonder if ever. It is causing some serious problems. Where once we could talk openly, we are guarded and ....."I said,You said" is the 'game' that we are playing. There are no clear lines. I feel like I am compromising tons and she naught. She says she will not budge...we are still debating just what that means. I guess it would help if we knew just what we were fighting for....and by that I intended it to be a play on words. i.e WHY are we fighting...and in the end what is it all for? to prove right or wrong, are we fighting to keep the relationship going? Whats it all about? For me, I dont think I can be in a relationship where I am not trusted, where my word is questioned. But then I have to ask, is this distrust temporary? Is it something we can both healthfully recover from. Or are we permanently damaged from this...as individuals and as a couple. And if there is permanent damage can we live with that? I guess time will tell. Thats all I got right now.