(no subject)
It's been a while since I've slipped the knife in jerked it around a bit and just let my guts spill out well at least in any sort of public forum for others to witness. I have written here or there with some slight glimpses as to what was rattling about inside my brain but most of it was somewhat cryptic. It seems after a while of not speaking about what is going in inside letting it out almost seems like a bit of a sin or some forbidden law.
Well I'll do my best to cover what I can at the moment until I feel like sleeping. Writing is a bit of a confessional without all the hail mary's or whatever it is they have you do in the catholic church.
I've been back in ohio for well I guess three months now but will confess it feels much longer. Before that I had been living in south Texas for close to 8 months...I suppose it was a bit of a hiatus with mixed results. I came back because I decided to finish up school which I guess was true though I will say if I had found a reason to stay there I would have done it as I hate being back here. Texas certainly was an experience good, bad or ugly who knows there really isn't a whole lot I can say about it though I will attempt the best I know how. I guess a few things should be mentioned before I go into that though the previous few years before I had been in an on again off again relationship with Laura. We ended up getting engaged and being rather close to getting married....well until she decided that wasn't a good idea as she say me as someone who still had to get myself together or something of the sorts. It left me a bit shell shocked to say the least but I wouldn't say it wasn't to be expected though. All you can do after an event such as that is re-exam life as a whole and look at what you're doing or where you're going. After a bit of a numb period I made a decision to visit my friend Kat down in Texas....I enjoyed it and well I liked her so I made the decision to head down south. I suppose the reasoning or motivation is a bit iffy and not completely though out though at the time I would have said I thought long and hard about everything....I left for two reasons to get out of where I was and because I liked my friend. In my head the whole notion sounded crazy enough I thought it could work for some reason fantasy often gets mixed into my thinking of possibilities. Needless to say once down there I was still a bit of a mess and well there wasn't much of a connection to be had I liked my friend but didn't get the same response back. I attempted to stay down there for a while but had difficulty getting my shit together and really finding my way I felt lost most of the time down there. There were things I enjoyed about the experience and do believe as a whole it helped me as a person...I enjoyed the people I met including Kat's mom who I lived with who was great and Maddy who was Kat's daughter ...the cutest and smartest kid I ever met who I still miss. What I expected to get out of the trip was not what I got mostly due to my own fantasy or desires for what could or should be....it's easy to just say you'll take what comes without expectations but once in a situation it really isn't that simple. people want what they want for the most part and when things don't go the way you want it's a hard thing to cope with. Anyways after much debate and going back and forth on the decision I decided to move back so I could finish school and regroup.
Since being back I have had a lot of trouble dealing with my depression and anxiety. I guess partly it's having no real direction or having nothing my heart is really into. I am attending school again and doing my best to succeed even though I don't feel the passion currently. I don't think I have really felt alive or that happy since I've been back. I'm trying to find that again but I'm not too sure how to get there.
Well I'll do my best to cover what I can at the moment until I feel like sleeping. Writing is a bit of a confessional without all the hail mary's or whatever it is they have you do in the catholic church.
I've been back in ohio for well I guess three months now but will confess it feels much longer. Before that I had been living in south Texas for close to 8 months...I suppose it was a bit of a hiatus with mixed results. I came back because I decided to finish up school which I guess was true though I will say if I had found a reason to stay there I would have done it as I hate being back here. Texas certainly was an experience good, bad or ugly who knows there really isn't a whole lot I can say about it though I will attempt the best I know how. I guess a few things should be mentioned before I go into that though the previous few years before I had been in an on again off again relationship with Laura. We ended up getting engaged and being rather close to getting married....well until she decided that wasn't a good idea as she say me as someone who still had to get myself together or something of the sorts. It left me a bit shell shocked to say the least but I wouldn't say it wasn't to be expected though. All you can do after an event such as that is re-exam life as a whole and look at what you're doing or where you're going. After a bit of a numb period I made a decision to visit my friend Kat down in Texas....I enjoyed it and well I liked her so I made the decision to head down south. I suppose the reasoning or motivation is a bit iffy and not completely though out though at the time I would have said I thought long and hard about everything....I left for two reasons to get out of where I was and because I liked my friend. In my head the whole notion sounded crazy enough I thought it could work for some reason fantasy often gets mixed into my thinking of possibilities. Needless to say once down there I was still a bit of a mess and well there wasn't much of a connection to be had I liked my friend but didn't get the same response back. I attempted to stay down there for a while but had difficulty getting my shit together and really finding my way I felt lost most of the time down there. There were things I enjoyed about the experience and do believe as a whole it helped me as a person...I enjoyed the people I met including Kat's mom who I lived with who was great and Maddy who was Kat's daughter ...the cutest and smartest kid I ever met who I still miss. What I expected to get out of the trip was not what I got mostly due to my own fantasy or desires for what could or should be....it's easy to just say you'll take what comes without expectations but once in a situation it really isn't that simple. people want what they want for the most part and when things don't go the way you want it's a hard thing to cope with. Anyways after much debate and going back and forth on the decision I decided to move back so I could finish school and regroup.
Since being back I have had a lot of trouble dealing with my depression and anxiety. I guess partly it's having no real direction or having nothing my heart is really into. I am attending school again and doing my best to succeed even though I don't feel the passion currently. I don't think I have really felt alive or that happy since I've been back. I'm trying to find that again but I'm not too sure how to get there.