the whodunits and wheredeyat?
Fair warning... this is going to be a rant and may not flow as well as past entries. may not even make sense to you at times. it plagues me to think of all the moral injustices that go on in our everyday lives during these times. to think that people display thier racism and fascist views. the idea that people will kiss and tell to a person all their deep dark secrets and then walk to another person and bash the one they were just previously talking to. how can one be buddy buddy with a person to their face and be their biggest enemy behind their backs? how can a person live like that? with that facade and the lie that they display so often. i dont understand how people can demoralize their irrational actions and attempt to write it off as being influenced by something else i.e. drugs, alchohol, peer pressure. the truth is, giving in to something like sex, violence, or just random acts of stupidity are just reactions to giving in to such alcohol, peer pressure, etc. people nowadays try to set themselves up a way out, a window, or a scapegoat that they can blame for all their problems and actions. listen, forget all that crap that you tell everyone else and consequently begin to believe yourself. if you took responsibility for your actions, you would begin to see your life a whole lot more clearly. the fear of actually being held accountable for you actions may scare you, but in the end it is that regret for not being strong enough to accept your consequences that gets you. too many people think that they can shine in front of others that they dont realize that everyone sees through the shroud of coolness, goodness, or carefree attitudes. everyone cares what at least some people think of them. people get angry too often because they feel like to admit that something isnt right is too weak. then they get mad, begin to do stupid things that affect people that have nothing to do with the problem anyway, and then realize that the problem is not that big of a deal after all. but, to have acted the way they do for so long and to turn around and admit that they were wrong is unthinkable. they might as well keep acting childish and screw with everyone else to complete their tantrum. people get upset and act stupidly, im guilty myself, but when that person begins to put their ego above the relationships they have and the feelings of the people around them, they have begun a cycle that will continue to hurt for a relatively long time. truth be told, i dont think anyone is exempt from having done this. if you have a problem with someone, then come out and say it. dont be rude or aggressive, just explain your problem to the one you have it with and talk it out. your voices will probably raise but dont leave until you have accomplished something, like resolving the difference. i wish i could stop competing with my friends. im tired of feeling like half the things i say are only to one up the other. im tired of feeling like im keeping track of how long i hang out with my friends only to be able to say i hang out with them more than someone else. i wish i could get along with my friends as well as i tell everyone i do, and as well as the front portrays. i wish i could do something in my life that has meaning to alot of people, including myself. i want to accomplish a goal that i have set for myself with only a dream of accomplishing it. to do something great and be completely satisfied in how i have done it. i want to find love, and i want love to have been looking for me as well. i want to be a good father and husband. a good son and brother. a good friend. i want to realize that the way i act is in vain and the things that i have are useless in this endeavor. i want people to recognize how i truly feel and understand why it is that i do the things i do. i wish people could see me for what i believe and who i really am. but my childish ways get in the way of that many times. materialistic desires and views cloud the ideal that i wish i had. my life takes turns that i know do me no good, even though i chose to take many of them. how can i be what i want to be if i cant let go of what i am now. this entry will hopefully begin to put me on that track. i want to get away from here. i want to be alone for a while and find myself. then maybe i can express who i am to everyone and they will understand me and my actions. but maybe not. maybe i am the only one who will understand what i do. i will never know until i have been able to successfully express my opinions for what they are and not cloud them with pride and envy. im not fully sure of who i am yet and that only means that the rest of them are even further away from the core.