sometimes you have to sacrifice to gain...
There comes a time in everyones life that they decide their own standards of living could be better. to change these standards, it takes a few things, starting with will power. once youve decided to change something about yourself it will take courage to and determination to stick to it. unfotunately, the concentration that it takes most often forces us to cut other things from our lives for a time. in the time between now and the last entry, ive managed to piss off or detach from a relatively long list of people. and this may be as much of a blessing as a curse since as much as that hurts me, i will move on with my plans and remain detached until my goal has been met. i want to have my life in more order than it is in. the subtle chaos that i surround myself with now will no longer suffice. ive tried over and over before to change my life, the things about who i was that deep down i didnt agree with, and the parts of my life that i acted on that i felt didnt properly represent who i truly was. now i have the opportunity to change all of these things and although sometimes it brings a surge of sorrow with it, i will press on and endure what i have to until i am finished. i dont like having people mad at me, but if i disagree with their reasons for being upset then so be it, i find it easier to let things go when i am put in that kind of a situation anyway. i sat tonight and thought of all the close friends that i have that i dont hang out with, or even talk to anymore now that ive decided to dive head first into working. its a long and sometimes regretful list. but this is how i have chosen to deal with my problems for the time being. work as much as i can to supress craziness, and in turn pay off some of if not all of my debt. ive found that i tend to make new friends as i go along this path anyway. i dont expect anyone to understand the decisions that i make, or to even agree with them, but i ask that you have patience with me, and understand that this journey is one i must make mostly on my own. please have patience, trust my own judgement, and forgive me of all that you feel i have done against you. at the end of my trials, i will explain as best i can to anyone who asks, but for now, i only pray that you will be there when all of this is through and i have either succeeded or failed.