DO NOT PITY ME. I DONT WANT IT.
i used to be happy. and life used to make sense. and it feels like every time someone tells me something it always turns out to be a lie. life is sucking hard right now cause i cant figure any of this shit out and im not gettin any help from anywhere. im over school. im over trying to figure women out (any of them). im over work and the two faced hypocritical bullshit that i have to put up with. im tired of knowing where im going in my life but not knowing how im going to get there. im running on empty. and it scares the hell out of me that i dont know what im supposed to do when there's nothing left. im told i get like this every year around this time but knowing that doesnt help the fact that its how i actually feel right now. im tired of liking a girl but not knowing if she likes me back and if i ask its annoying. im tired of feeling like every apology that i have recieved was a crock of shit only spoken just so there was one less person in the world who hates the one giving it. im tired of not having enough people to hang out with that actually make me feel good about myself. like kendall. most of my friends just bring me down more. and i dont put that on them, it just happens to be the way i feel. i miss having a good handful of people who i can talk to that will listen and comprehend what im saying and actually give me feedback that isnt some shallow solution that works for those without consciences. i cant shake the feeling that im dying and i will have accomplished nothing when it happens. the truth of the matter is this: i have no self esteem, im not confident in myself to do great things, im so anxious to be in relationships that i fuck them over by second guessing everything. im unhappy with my job but im too afraid to take any leaps and since restaraunts are what i know they are what i live in. i understand that everyone has problems and there are hundreds of thousands of people out there that have it so much worse than i do. and i know that most people dont have their shit together but im fucking tired of not knowing what im doing that it makes me physically sick to my stomach. that it makes me lose my apetite. thats why ive lost 30 fucking pounds. i know i cant expect people to just lay everything out for me, and that the world will be revealed to me in a matter of days but what the fuck! how am i supposed to figure this shit out when i feel like a cant catch a break to save my life (possibly literally). and its nothing i can talk about because its so hard to describe what it is that makes me this way. its a phase i know, something that will pass. but even when it does it will still be there. lying under the surface. pulling at the back of my mind. everything i do that i think will make me feel better turns out to make things worse. if this feeling pans out and i am dying i have but one request, show me a hole that i can crawl into and get this over with. im tired of trying to figure out something that makes no sense to begin with. why am i always like this? why do i always make this difficult? when does it end?