bad memories sandwiched by good times...

[hopeless_sage]

well last night was fairly interesting. thomas and i have decided that once a week one of us will cook dinner at our houses and will have people over to eat. last night was porkchops, easy mac and ceaser salad (from a bag). jeff, bia, and julia came over to join us for supper. i had this great idea to take some ritz crackers, put them on a plate, cover them with that eazy cheese shit that comes in an aresol can and serve them as appetizers. and of course told tom to do it cause thats just how i do things. it was funny and then it was even greater cause bia and julia ate them all like they were really appetizers that werent a joke. good stuff. well, the dinner was good, bia and julia watched the oc. jeff tom and myself joked it most of the time (not big on anything that highlights how shallow people can be). then we changed the channel to HBO where george carlin was doing a stand up. funny dude but he managed to hit a raw nerve in his show... he bagan talking about people commiting suicide. last year my uncle(who lived with our grandmother in norfolk) hung himself in the shed outside while grandma martha was at church. conrgratufuckinglations! lets kill ourselves and leave our corpses swinging in a she for the one lady who has taken care of you for the last 30 years of your life can find you when she gets home. smooth move, henry. but good ol geroge manages to depict the scenario of the person who is about to commit suicide in a joking fashion, talking about hanging himself in the garage and maybe "mom" will find me. which was a good thing cause it was her fault he was so fucked up to begin with. that whole situation didnt sit well with me at all. i remember going over there to her house by chance right around when everything was going on. the cops had just got there, the coroner came and i got to watch them take the body and put it in their truck. i remember seeing grandma marthas face and seeing that it hadnt hit her yet what had gone on. i remember the detectives reading the letter henry wrote before he killed himself, talking about how he wasnt worth anything and how he was just a burden on everyone. man if you only knew how little this helped everyone out you may not have been to quick to be on the other end of that rope. well, as all these memories were flying around in my head i get a call. thank you corey. corey asks me if i want to shoot some pool or something to i said i was down, said my goodnights to the dinner guests and left. we get to the bowling alley and its packed. we shoot a little pool and while shooting im talking to corey about another friend of mine who brags about his new job and how great it is, when in fact it doesnt sound really good at all. well i managed to say in a loud tone "WHAT THE FUCK" and a girl near our table thought i was talking to her like she was in my way and apologized and moved. i felt like a total jackass. i hate when people think i do or say things for reasons that are not anywhere near the real reasons i do them. so i told her she wasnt in my way and that i wasnt directing my statements towards her. anyway, off track. what i wanted to get out was this AND I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!! life is what you make of it. if you think there is no worth in life you are wrong. if you do not like your life, change it. its hard to do, but its still do-able. henry sat around all day smoking pot and playing video games. sounds familiar to a lot of people i know, but... if you feel like your life is worthless, it only takes making a choice to change it. regretably i cant deny that i have thought about suicide myself in the past. but those couple times i thought about it i came to this conclusion... My life, my friends, my family and my morals are all that i am. they are the only things that matter in any way. life gets hard, we all know, if any one person thinks they have it bad enough to end their lives, i bet you my life there is a hundred people at least who were worse off and decided to fight for what they were or used to be. all those people who decided to find inspiration in those friends and family, in those morals. purpose in that life. if you dont like where you stand, then move. there is a chance you may be unhappy there too, dont kid yourself. not all plans work out. but, that choice, that freedom follows you everytime you move. if you dont like where you end up, move again. we cannot spend our live fearing how worse things can get if we chance it because then we will never feel the pure pleasure of success when we do chance it. nothing changes when you stay in the same place. thats the point for those who do. and here is where i would like to thank anyone who finds the drive to read through long journal entries. i dont know who reads them, if anyone, but i do like to think that im speaking to someone so that my thoughts arent totally lost. anyway, ill leave with a few words that seem to fit here in some way.... when i give up who i am, i become who i might be - john moran

it is our pleasure.
it is our pain.
we cannot speak for the silence in our minds.
we cannot weep for the sorrows of our hearts.
- me