(no subject)
Well, writers block is taking hold once again. Most inconvenient since I have so much to say. Just really emotional lately. I have a ton of things to blame for this. Maybe it is my undying emo side of me just crying to get out or just the fact that my life is full of disappointments. I guess I'm sort of a pro by now of things not working out like I would like them to. I even tried the whole positive side of thinking. That was a complete bust. So when will I reek the benefits of this hard work? Is that something that will ever be recognized? At this point I just don't care. I've stop caring about my life in general. I go through stages of happiness and depression but it seems that ever since I heard this news, I've been pretty emotionless. I just don't know how to feel. I guess i have this stupid idea that I would actually get want I wanted and things would work out how I dreamed them. Again, so silly of me to be optimistic. Though, it did open my eyes a bit on another situation. It's something that I really need to address. Something that I know in my heart to be true but something I can't actually admit to myself officially. I guess I will never love again. I fell slightly souless. As if I will never open my heart to another. God that sounds so emo... But sadly it's true. I can't imagine loving again. It's an emotion that is too hopeful for me and I'm no longer a hopeful person. Maybe it's time I remove my tattoo that says hope on my back. I guess there was a reason it didn't heal correctly. Wow. I haven't been this emotional in forever. I've been in tears all day. I haven't cry since...I don't know how long. I guess it feels great. I think the last time I actually cried was before carol. Waaaay before carol. Not that carol wasn't worth crying for. She was, but I couldn't do it. I tried to...to make myself feel better about everything but nothing came out, I think that is why it was so hard to get over her...if I actually am. I like to think so. That all the feelings that I feel are just as friends. It's just hard to know for sure. I know when she talks of this girl, that I do hurt. I'm pretty sure that I never made her feel the same way, I guess I'm still not over the fact that she moved on so easily...even if it was with someone that she didn't truly love. Maybe I'm just second best to someone else...which seems to be the case in most situations. I suppose I can settle with someone and be somewhat happy. That's an option. But as of now, I'm just going to live my life the way I'm being told to and continue to stay alone and souless. The end.
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