(no subject)
I am in pain in my mouth.
I am a grumpy goose.
When my EDP came to ask me rapid-fire questions after I got out of an annoying meeting I didn't want to be in. I kept telling him repeatedly the same answer. like dude, you should know this. Maria came to tell me that I jumped down his throat. I don't think I was that bad but I guess who am I to tell. I hate when I get snippy like that but once I'm in it, it's hard to get out of it.
Blake was great and brought over a pumpkin and made a stew in it. Which was delicious!! We put together my frames which he was great about. It was hard as it got dark. They are almost done. There's been so much emotion in that project, I really just want it done now. I've had some fun with it and learned some. He put together one of the frames while I was at work and did exactly what he told me I'd likely do which was drill through the outside wood because that one hole was at an angle. I was annoyed he did that project without me but tried to let it go. Actually, it's kind of good he did that mess up so then I didn't.
He said something that made me think Tolson said something to him about something I said. He said something like that . . . to make him feel good or something. I was like who said that? and he said yeah who said that? Like as if he was calling me out on something. I told him not I. But I do think that was something I had said to Tolson. Which was true at the start of this project. But now I know I couldn't have done it without him. or really it wouldn't have gotten done without him. I told him that. Without him, 90% of this wouldn't have gotten done. All Courtney and I managed were to drink the wine. He said that was a nice compliment but I could tell he was overthinking. At that moment I decided to not talk about him to Tolson ever again.
She was texting me last night about her friend Heaven (weird ass name). I didn't even send to her the picture of us putting together the frame last night until this morning. Even though we were talking.
Last night I crawled into bed and cuddled up with him for a second. I usually do that for a bit before we go to bed. He was like why do you have a king-size bed so I rolled off him and said for space. we joked about it being for the clover dog. It hurt a second but we both fell asleep really quickly after that it seemed or at least I did. I curled up and cuddled him this morning. I tried to get up at first and not wake him. He had set an alarm for like 6 something so he was going to get up anyway. he snoozed it though.
Last night also I can't remember what started the conversation. But I said something like I wouldn't want to see him mad or make him mad. I can't remember. He said I have. When he came charging in that day over the project (glad he said that because he really did come charging in that day). I do remember asking also if he was mad at me that day and he said no (on that day). so I again asked if he was mad at me then and he said no just at the situation. I said oh I didn't pick up on that. I said I thought he was annoyed but not really mad ( although I guess I did since I asked him if he was mad at me? guess I thought that was just a trauma response).
I kind of wonder what other little moments like that were where we kind of missed the mark. Hopefully, we'll handle them better.
Maria reached out to me. sounds like she's struggling with things. She's going to start meditation w which I think will be good for her. I think it would be good for me also.
I don't know why I keep freaking out in my head that he's mad or annoyed or tired of me. He gives me nothing to feel that way. He got a matching Halloween costume with me yesterday and signed up for a spartan. His start time is way after mine. I wonder if he'll catch up to me. It's likely because I'm slow. But I'm worried about the event now. I don't know why. I was worried about him not signing up and now I have. I hope we find each other at the event. I hope he has fun. I also feel in pain a lot more lately and my blood sugar has been high.
He made that amazing stew which besides the tomatoes was very paleo. I just need to not eat the Oreos lol I did mention I don't want to drink much until the race. Though I got tickets for a harry potter drink event thing that I hope isn't lame. But he nor I drank last night. We drank a lot this weekend. Though he only had 2 drinks Saturday night. I wonder if it's because he doesn't feel he needs to in order to have fun or chill out and not because he's afraid he's going to share dark stories again. We had talked about that before. Maybe he doesn't want to hear mine either. Or maybe he finds drunk Sara annoying though he constantly refers to the night I had the lokos for the first time and kept saying 'i like pickles'. I'm pretty sure I told him that night I was falling in love with him or something. I'm still embarrassed by that even though he doesn't mention it. I think though he's starting to try to improve himself. He bought himself new shirts and new shorts. Probably much like I am. Like I'm trying to declutter my place and make it look better. I also keep applying for better jobs. Even though I feel I'm getting better at mine, having him as a resource. I told him I was applying for places. He mentioned once it would be easier for me to get jobs and I said I applied and so far not really. We never discussed it anymore.
Also, random thought while I'm at it. I leave Phil or my exes out of a lot of stories. I wonder if he does as well. But it doesn't seem like it. But I think the only story from his ex I heard other than her needing therapy and their sort of talking and now not talking was staying at her place and cuddling her dog. Holding it so it wouldn't lick him in the face all night and falling asleep like that. It seems like his main companions for travel are Al, Connor and Tom. who knows.