the sadness in my heart
I'm so sick of having such a sad heart. Yes, I can still smile, laugh and have a good time. As a matter of fact, I've had some really great conversations and moments with many people lately... But the sadness remains and grows within me. Perhaps this melancholy will always be with me... perhaps it has always been here, but it almost seems as if the wounds cut deeper lately.
Today I went to a funeral. Today I saw the smallest coffin I've seen in person. Today I joined my parish in mourning the loss of a 6 year old child named Angela. It's moments like this that make me so grateful that I believe in God and I believe there is a heaven, even if I'm not sure if I'll ever see it. Because I have something to turn to. Makes me think of a shirt Beki used to wear that read: "religion is a crutch"... that statement is true... because I cannot walk without my faith.
Sitting there in the church, hearing people around me cry and pray... made me remember my father. my grandfather. my grandmother. luke. my other grandfather. it was difficult... but being able to pray and hurt with others helps so much. i saw so many eyes looking to angela's family, 9 siblings and 2 parents... a big family... we all we're sympathizing, empathizing, hurting... and looking at them in awe. there were several moments in the mass where tears whelled in my eyes... but they did not move.
then they played my grandmother's favourite hymn... and the tears rolled down my face. i'm so sick of having such a sad heart.
Sunday I went to the hospital to visit my mother's friend Charlotte. A wonderful woman who's been married for 50 years to an equally wonderful man, Joe. A woman who's been in and out of the hospital for quite some time. We got the call saying she only had 24 hours left. I kept thinking: How do you dress up for someone you may never get to see again? Out of respect, I wanted to look my best for Charlotte... makeup, dress n'all. But out of comfort and love for this wonderful lady, I dressed as myself. That seemed best.
When we got there she didn't look good. Visions of my grandfather and my grandmother lying in hospital beds clouded my memory. They said she had had a turn around, it sounded like she might be okay. But as I looked down at her, trying to send her healing energy, I remembered. Before you die, you have a string of really horrifically bad days... then comes the good day... and soon after you go to glory, you earn your wings. Mom said it's only a matter of time. It will be a sad day when that light goes out.
So far my 22nd year is a challenge. But after I got the news about Charlotte and little Angela.. I was more grateful for those years than I ever have been.
Recently I've also been sad because of problems I've had with a friend. It's hard when you can't trust someone you've depended on for so long... harder than I remembered it being. I hold this sadness in my heart as well. I'm trying to let go of all this... but I don't think one thing will do it. It takes a lot of energy and hope to heal... to mourn... to trust... it is all a process.
I write this here in hopes that it will help alleviate this sadness. I know that some sorrow will remain in my heart for my father and for other loved ones... and I can deal with that because it means I have loved people around me, so much that when they leave the love does not go with them... Just right now, the sorrow is a little overwhelming... and I need to try to help that pass.
I feel like I'm in the middle of one of those movie montages where sad music is playing... all the characters are alone looking out windows and brooding over their pain and visiting places where happy memories once were and such... too bad in real life those moments don't only last the length of one song. :)
I feel alone.
but I know I'm not.
I hope I'm not easily forgotten...
"...there's a light up ahead..."
I need to get back to work.
Today I went to a funeral. Today I saw the smallest coffin I've seen in person. Today I joined my parish in mourning the loss of a 6 year old child named Angela. It's moments like this that make me so grateful that I believe in God and I believe there is a heaven, even if I'm not sure if I'll ever see it. Because I have something to turn to. Makes me think of a shirt Beki used to wear that read: "religion is a crutch"... that statement is true... because I cannot walk without my faith.
Sitting there in the church, hearing people around me cry and pray... made me remember my father. my grandfather. my grandmother. luke. my other grandfather. it was difficult... but being able to pray and hurt with others helps so much. i saw so many eyes looking to angela's family, 9 siblings and 2 parents... a big family... we all we're sympathizing, empathizing, hurting... and looking at them in awe. there were several moments in the mass where tears whelled in my eyes... but they did not move.
then they played my grandmother's favourite hymn... and the tears rolled down my face. i'm so sick of having such a sad heart.
Sunday I went to the hospital to visit my mother's friend Charlotte. A wonderful woman who's been married for 50 years to an equally wonderful man, Joe. A woman who's been in and out of the hospital for quite some time. We got the call saying she only had 24 hours left. I kept thinking: How do you dress up for someone you may never get to see again? Out of respect, I wanted to look my best for Charlotte... makeup, dress n'all. But out of comfort and love for this wonderful lady, I dressed as myself. That seemed best.
When we got there she didn't look good. Visions of my grandfather and my grandmother lying in hospital beds clouded my memory. They said she had had a turn around, it sounded like she might be okay. But as I looked down at her, trying to send her healing energy, I remembered. Before you die, you have a string of really horrifically bad days... then comes the good day... and soon after you go to glory, you earn your wings. Mom said it's only a matter of time. It will be a sad day when that light goes out.
So far my 22nd year is a challenge. But after I got the news about Charlotte and little Angela.. I was more grateful for those years than I ever have been.
Recently I've also been sad because of problems I've had with a friend. It's hard when you can't trust someone you've depended on for so long... harder than I remembered it being. I hold this sadness in my heart as well. I'm trying to let go of all this... but I don't think one thing will do it. It takes a lot of energy and hope to heal... to mourn... to trust... it is all a process.
I write this here in hopes that it will help alleviate this sadness. I know that some sorrow will remain in my heart for my father and for other loved ones... and I can deal with that because it means I have loved people around me, so much that when they leave the love does not go with them... Just right now, the sorrow is a little overwhelming... and I need to try to help that pass.
I feel like I'm in the middle of one of those movie montages where sad music is playing... all the characters are alone looking out windows and brooding over their pain and visiting places where happy memories once were and such... too bad in real life those moments don't only last the length of one song. :)
I feel alone.
but I know I'm not.
I hope I'm not easily forgotten...
"...there's a light up ahead..."
I need to get back to work.