Who am I?
All my life I've been trying to build a self. Trying to build an "I" for myself. But it's never worked. Or that's because every time I try to build a self, it always gets scrapped. I'm always trying to think of something for me. But who is me? Who am I really? Do I even have a self? Maybe I do, but I just can't seem to reach "me" on my own. Maybe I have a few times. Let's see if I can figure out who I am.
I am 30 years old. I love stuffed animals and real animals. I love companionship. I love Backstreet Boys and Sen no Kiseki II music. I love Japanese and Korean food. I love sukusukus. I love drinking boba. I'm super shy and shyer because of my social anxiety. I'm an introvert but I have strong opinions on certain ideas, but because of my upbringing, I'm afraid of voicing some of them. And because I'm too submissive and a pacifist, I tend to just go along with others than voicing my opinions that are different from other people. I'm super insecure and require a lot of reassurances, which is very exhausting for me and the other person. I'm afraid of loneliness. I can't survive being physically alone. I can end up like a doormat.
Which is the real me and which is the borderline? It's as if both selves have meshed together and now I have to comb through them to separate them again. It's a mess, but what can be done? Maybe they're all the real me, but the borderline personality disorder distorted the insecure parts beyond recognition. Beyond comprehension.
I don't know anymore.