What happened to the way that we always said we'd be?
So I'm going to make a real update because I'm a punk and haven't done it in FOREVER and a day...
Things have been pretty good up until a few days ago. I hit a rock and have felt a little down ever since. but like usual...it's been up & down.
Tried the whole dating thing again. It didn't really work out :-/. I blame myself mostly but he changed too. He's a good guy and definitely boyfriend material but once we started dating, he changed himself and I don't know why. I think it was because he was scared of being rejected when really, I think I would've REALLY liked the real him. But there was something about when we hit that "officially dating" stage that it spiraled downhill. I mean, before we "officially" were going out...we held hands and I felt the butterflies but the day after we started dating, nothing. We definitely work much better as friends. And it's not like I gave up right away either...I gave it a week. But then I found myself acting like I acted when I dated Jeff (well, the way I acted when Jeff & I were in our 'second-chance' relationship). We fought over stupid little crap and I found the little things that bugged me about Matt and I shouldn't have. But I'm just retarded. It wasn't just him, it was me too. And I feel bad because I feel like I screwed up his happiness...but, we're still going to prom together and I still think it's going to be fun so yeah :)
[HUGE EDIT: "pre-prom" was amazing...we were getting along good and everything was great until he decided to basically start molesting me. Putting his hands all over me, trying to hold my hand when I clearly didn't want him to, trying to hold me close clearly against my will, and getting pissed off when I danced with other guys...that was NOT a good time :(...]
And this paragraph used to be about Mike...but screw that, I've forgiven and forgotten. No need to think about him anymore :)
Brian's coming home on leave soon :) Everyone remembers him as a big douche I guess...but I think the army's really changed him around. I'm excited to see what happens there. Not planning on anything but at the least, he's a real good guy and is definitely on "awesome friend" status.
Prom is this weekend :) I'm real excited about that. Really loooking forward to dancing with a few special boys...:) and DEFINITELY hyped about post prom at starved rock. I'll have to update about that...something big is bound to happen. I'm kind of crossing my fingers that I meet somebody at Prom...you know, like somebody who just brought a "friend" as their date :-) I hear those kinda stories all the time lol I was actually planning out trying to find a cute looking boy who's standing alone and asking him to dance...hmm.
[Another big edit: prom was definitely amazing :) despite a few minor setbacks/complaints, it was a lot better than I expected. I can't wait to do it next year. And next year, we're definitely going downtown because Starved Rock was not all I expected it to be either. I had a late night prom night...texting somebody :) and they just made that whole experience even more better.]
So here's a big update. Bridget, believe it or not, is one of my good friends now. We put aside our differences and have found out that we're REALLY, really alike. I told her today that we discover something new everyday. She brought a lunchable today...it didn't have the cherry juice pouch thing in it...it has fruit punch now! that makes us both sad because cherry is the only flavor worth liking. funny huh? I don't know, I just never would've thought it. Our future plans are exciting and I hope they work out well :)
I've also pretty much made my college decision...I'm kinda set on AU. It's close to home but far enough away... I can pretty much get the best scholarship they have... They have the majors/minors that really interest me...All the people they've sent to talk to us from AU have been amazing. Plus Mrs. Avery went there and said she really liked it (i trust her judgment lol) My official visit was awesome. Dorm life isn't for me which is why I'm real happy they have no rules about freshmen having to live on campus. I'm real excited :) Everyone keeps asking me if I'm going for basketball...don't really know yet but I hope by this time next year I can say that I am.
This paragraph used to be about a regret...but recently, I've adapted even more so to my "no regret" policy. Certain people have made me realize that there just anything anybody can do about it. It's the past...you can't go back and erase it. Plus, this situation has underlying circumstances that should be understandable. Who cares anymore...just please don't ruin my life!!!
Lately, I just find myself feeling real lonely and I hate it. I just want a hug and an "I love you" and to know that someone so important to me cares. Like, I don't need a gift, a night out on the town...The thing that would make me the happiest is a big long hug and hearing the words "I miss you so much" along with it.
^That was the more "friendship" feeling lonely...this is the more "relationship" feeling lonely. I just want somebody who cares...someone who gets me...knows how to make me laugh...knows how to make me go weak in the knees...somebody who gives me butterflies...somebody who makes life more amazing...
God, I'm so needy. Shoot me. Please?
~/End of life story...
Things have been pretty good up until a few days ago. I hit a rock and have felt a little down ever since. but like usual...it's been up & down.
Tried the whole dating thing again. It didn't really work out :-/. I blame myself mostly but he changed too. He's a good guy and definitely boyfriend material but once we started dating, he changed himself and I don't know why. I think it was because he was scared of being rejected when really, I think I would've REALLY liked the real him. But there was something about when we hit that "officially dating" stage that it spiraled downhill. I mean, before we "officially" were going out...we held hands and I felt the butterflies but the day after we started dating, nothing. We definitely work much better as friends. And it's not like I gave up right away either...I gave it a week. But then I found myself acting like I acted when I dated Jeff (well, the way I acted when Jeff & I were in our 'second-chance' relationship). We fought over stupid little crap and I found the little things that bugged me about Matt and I shouldn't have. But I'm just retarded. It wasn't just him, it was me too. And I feel bad because I feel like I screwed up his happiness...but, we're still going to prom together and I still think it's going to be fun so yeah :)
[HUGE EDIT: "pre-prom" was amazing...we were getting along good and everything was great until he decided to basically start molesting me. Putting his hands all over me, trying to hold my hand when I clearly didn't want him to, trying to hold me close clearly against my will, and getting pissed off when I danced with other guys...that was NOT a good time :(...]
And this paragraph used to be about Mike...but screw that, I've forgiven and forgotten. No need to think about him anymore :)
Brian's coming home on leave soon :) Everyone remembers him as a big douche I guess...but I think the army's really changed him around. I'm excited to see what happens there. Not planning on anything but at the least, he's a real good guy and is definitely on "awesome friend" status.
Prom is this weekend :) I'm real excited about that. Really loooking forward to dancing with a few special boys...:) and DEFINITELY hyped about post prom at starved rock. I'll have to update about that...something big is bound to happen. I'm kind of crossing my fingers that I meet somebody at Prom...you know, like somebody who just brought a "friend" as their date :-) I hear those kinda stories all the time lol I was actually planning out trying to find a cute looking boy who's standing alone and asking him to dance...hmm.
[Another big edit: prom was definitely amazing :) despite a few minor setbacks/complaints, it was a lot better than I expected. I can't wait to do it next year. And next year, we're definitely going downtown because Starved Rock was not all I expected it to be either. I had a late night prom night...texting somebody :) and they just made that whole experience even more better.]
So here's a big update. Bridget, believe it or not, is one of my good friends now. We put aside our differences and have found out that we're REALLY, really alike. I told her today that we discover something new everyday. She brought a lunchable today...it didn't have the cherry juice pouch thing in it...it has fruit punch now! that makes us both sad because cherry is the only flavor worth liking. funny huh? I don't know, I just never would've thought it. Our future plans are exciting and I hope they work out well :)
I've also pretty much made my college decision...I'm kinda set on AU. It's close to home but far enough away... I can pretty much get the best scholarship they have... They have the majors/minors that really interest me...All the people they've sent to talk to us from AU have been amazing. Plus Mrs. Avery went there and said she really liked it (i trust her judgment lol) My official visit was awesome. Dorm life isn't for me which is why I'm real happy they have no rules about freshmen having to live on campus. I'm real excited :) Everyone keeps asking me if I'm going for basketball...don't really know yet but I hope by this time next year I can say that I am.
This paragraph used to be about a regret...but recently, I've adapted even more so to my "no regret" policy. Certain people have made me realize that there just anything anybody can do about it. It's the past...you can't go back and erase it. Plus, this situation has underlying circumstances that should be understandable. Who cares anymore...just please don't ruin my life!!!
Lately, I just find myself feeling real lonely and I hate it. I just want a hug and an "I love you" and to know that someone so important to me cares. Like, I don't need a gift, a night out on the town...The thing that would make me the happiest is a big long hug and hearing the words "I miss you so much" along with it.
^That was the more "friendship" feeling lonely...this is the more "relationship" feeling lonely. I just want somebody who cares...someone who gets me...knows how to make me laugh...knows how to make me go weak in the knees...somebody who gives me butterflies...somebody who makes life more amazing...
God, I'm so needy. Shoot me. Please?
~/End of life story...