May 17, 2007 02:08
Something happened to me. I don't know when or how. I used to care and empathize. Now I am indifferent most of the time. Now I can't relate with anyone.
It occurred to me when I realized that the only thing I could say when someone is in a bad mood or had just been through or was about to go through a traumatic event was "That sucks." I feel like I have almost completely lost my ability to feel for someone else. I used to be the kind of person who couldn't be "happy" unless those around me were happy. If a friend or someone else close to me was in a bad mood, I would feel for them and feel a sincere hope that things would improve for them. Now, it seems that when someone tells me that he or she is in a bad mood, I can only think join the club or welcome to my world, or maybe, in a more cynical tone, it's about time, you've had it coming for a while or you set yourself for it, why are you surprised?.
All the times in the past I thought I was depressed, I could least find some comfort in realizing that others felt better, and I could empathize with them during times when they would come to me with a problem. Now I just feel like a bad mood is the ultimate result of any venture that could possibly go wrong. A bad mood is equilibrium minus the false sense of security we give ourselves when thinking too positively. Since we must think positively in order to feel happy, it follows that when we tire of positive thinking, we return to this equilibrium state of discontent. With every positive thought I have, there lingers a constant state of dissatisfaction. I could never fool myself into thinking that I will not return to equilbrium. Take, for example, a streak of sunny days. After a few days it feels as if it may never rain again, but it would be naive to accept this fancy as any real possibility.
I don't know to what extent logic can verify this perspective that has taken me over as of late, but maybe finding some logical contradiction would be enough toblow it all to hell, but I feel as if this feeling has been with me for several months, and it has just now become clear to me that it exists at all. I have foregone introspection because I fear that there be nothing new to be found underneath. Having actually attempted to look within, I see this hopeless, uninspiring malaise that has caused me to question whether I ever felt any different. And I do believe I have. I do believe I once had some compassion, some empathy for those who were feeling down. Now I feel that any such reassurance would be hypocritical. I cannot transcend my flawed existence in order to somehow cure the ills of those in "temporary" sadness.
The only good advice I could give is to find God. It works for some people, somehow. Basically, if you convince yourself that you are working toward a wonderful afterlife, then you can be a complete fake, and mask your unhappiness with selfish charity, so as to win God's affection and win yourself a free ticket to heaven, much like a selfish 18-year-old whore will cozy up to a 60-year-old executive to win a free ticket to his manshion and multi-million-dollar assets. But I really don't think one can be true to himself and, simultaneously, completely happy. Of course, complete happiness is unattainable to anyone. But I don't feel like going into "happiness". I'll save that for the book I am going to write some day.