Old Blogs
Thursday, February 21, 2008
What have I learned this year so far?
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Blogging
I have learned that even your family can disapoint you. And I often ask, "if you can't trust your family, then who can you trust?" Sometimes the only person you can count on is yourself. I shouldn't be so hard so myself and I need to take care of me even above Charlie bc if I am not well then Charlie wont be either. I need to take my medicine, even if I don't think I need it. I am finally learning from my past and avoiding making the same mistakes over and over again. History repeats itself if you let it. I am listening to my head along with my heart these days and I am finding myself more happy bc of it. Life is learning process and I am learning little by little.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
So, I was thinking of telling you this...
Current mood: angry
So, I was thinking what is the pt of us being friends on myspace? You do not post even comments I leave about our son almost like you are trying to hide the fact that I am Charlie's mother. If we are friends, then we should be able to be friends and lets be honest- that is not possible. So, being friends on myspace is only our way of checking in on eachother, seeing what is going on, who our friends are, what profile changes we have made. It's dumb. And to be honest, everytime I logged on and see one of my friends have posted a blog I cring to see who it is bc it brings back the memories of the day you posted a blog saying how happy you were with mandy and I didnt even know she existed. So, I am going to delete you bc I find myself blocking my blogs only to protect you. I by no means want to rub in your face that things with Jas and I are going well. We are not friends Jeff, we bearly even talk in reguards to Charlie. You asked me how I was the other day and honestly, everytime I think about everything I don't have and get sad, I just remind myself of everything I DO have now. The less contact with you, the easier things are. So, you go your way- be "happy" as your profile says and I will go mine. Bc honestly, I can't even remember the happy times anymore. It is covered by so many times of sadness. So, go be happy and I will try the same. Lets just not pretend to be friends, there is no need to lie.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Letting Go
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Life
To let go doesn't mean to stop caring, it means I can not do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it is the realization that I can not control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become whatever dream i can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for today.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
To a single mom
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Blogging
Dear Karen,
It is difficult to follow your head when your heart is still entangled with someone. You two were married and have a child together. It makes it extremely difficult, I know bc I walk in the same shoes as you. Jeff and I were not married but we lived together and have a past that goes back so far. I get so sad when I think about what we had and wish so bad we could go back to the times when we were happy and only wanted to be with each other. Except when he was 100%, I wasn't and vise versa. I have made so many mistakes and it is extremely difficult to except that there is nothing I can really do to make him want to be with me. I cry the same tears going on a year and a half now. The pain is still raw and the feelings cut so deep into my soul that I am not sure if I will ever truely recover, but I try. I get up everyday and make a conscience effort to try to get on with my life and be patient that one day my heart will catch up to my head. In the mean time, I participate in a codependency support group for women and yes, even man that find themselves in abusive relationships, putting up with crap just to not be alone, and having low self-esteem. And we both have to admit, if we felt better about our self we wouldn't ever let someone treat us the way we do. I highly recommend the group.
Just yesterday, I got into an argument with Jeff only the income tax. He was angry and went to file his taxes and claimed Charlie. I felt I deserved that money. Somehow he justified that he did. I was so angry. We ended up talking for a good while, probably the longest, decent talk in months. He asked for a truce. He said he doesn't want us to be enemies and I expressed to him how hurt I was once again for him leading me down a path that he really didn't tend to walk. He appologies for everything and said he wants us to try to get along. So, there you go, what can I do with that infomation except try, try so hard to except it and move on with my life.
So, Karen- rest asure that I understand, I get you and I feel your pain. Nothing is harder to except then reality at times. But one day, if we allow ourself to find happiness, we will look back and be greatful that it all worked out this way bc there is something better out there for the both of us and for right now, we have to be alone so that can find it.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Self Esteem
Current mood: lonely
I am so sick and tired of so much drama and crap in my life. I want so bad to pull myself out of this hole and get a back bone to be able to do what my brain, not heart, is telling me to do. My brain is saying the following things:
1.) Permanently, get ride of Jeff
2.) Tell Jason we are better as friends
3.) Get back to focusing on myself by improving my self esteem, passing the praxis, and getting into grad school
4.) Resist the temptation to be in a relationship with anyone for a while
But it is so scarey. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to end things with Jason bc maybe they will improve. Maybe he isn't just the guy to save me from Jeff. Maybe I can learn to be passionate about him. He is great with Charlie.
However, when I am with him I sometimes still feel alone. I just really need to focus on fixing myself and stop worrying about Jason or Jeff or anyone who drains me emotionally of my self worth.
I need prayer, I need something. I am just not sure what it is. But please God, read my heart and guide it in the direction it needs to go.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Current mood: angry
I hate you Mandy. You give single moms a bad name. Things with you and Jeff will never work and when they fall apart, I will laugh in your face. And yes, karma is a bitch and you will get yours too. BTW, when I see you out, be prepared for me to punch you in your face. I have never wanted to physically hurt someone like I want to hurt you. Your day will come.
Mediation
Current mood: restless
Category: Life
I had mediation with Jeff last night. We seemed to have delt with many of our concerns and finalized all the details of what was left of our relationship- Charlie. From here on out, there shouldn't be any major issues to discuss or fight over. Switch off should go smoothier and without any significant others present during the exchanges, it should be much easier to do what needs to be done and leave without much conflict. He can now go his way and I go mine. That is much easier said then done but with the past finally finalized and him leaving for the police academy, perhaps I will be able to accept the relationship for what it is and move on with my life once and for all. It has been a long and very difficult journey and I thank everyone for their support. I don't wish to discuss the technicalities right now. I would prefer to not talk at all. I just want everyone to know it is over and he is leaving. He is with Mandy and there isn't much more to say.
So, okay. I will leave it at that. Good luck Jeff and best of luck at the academy.
Monday, December 31, 2007
My New Year’s Resolution
I went to bed last night and pondered the thought of not getting out of bed today and making it to work. I woke up feeling like I didn't care if it was New Year's Eve or any other Monday. As I compare my life one year prior to how it is today, I can say it is better. I am not pregnant anymore. I have a beautiful baby boy and a life time of heartache because of it. I now will have deal with a man who has treated me so terribly this past year that I am not sure how or if I will ever recover from it. Everytime I take a step forward into the future, I am pulled back four and the scars of one bad relationship are tore open again leaving me tattered, weak, and so low that I am not sure how I will get back up another day. When you have been so hurt by a person how do you recover? How do you get past it when you have to deal with that person for 18 plus years? How do you deal with someone who constantly hurts you by putting things in your face and shitty all over you time and time again?
This year my resolution is to get over Jeff. To get on with my life and find happiness within myself. I want to learn to except defeat and be satisfied with how it turned out.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
All I want for Christmas
Current mood: content
Jeff,
All I want for Christmas from you is closure, an honest explanation for what went wrong this time? I sit here and bang my head against the wall asking myself why? I can't understand why you left and why I wasn't enough. Perhaps I will never know, but I need something. Maybe I just need to suck it up and put it all in the past, let it go. But I am having such a difficult time excepting that it is over and that you don't want a life with me. I get so angry because I don't want to love you. I don't even like you right now, but I think deep down inside I am just so full of hurt and bitterness that every time I see you, it reopens up a scab that is trying to heal. I feel completed scarred by the experience and I just don't know what to do to get past it.
This time I did everything and you still didn't treat me with enough respect to tell me the truth. You lied to me for weeks before I had to confront you. I knew what was going on but I was so pathetic that I sat back and let you treat me like a door mat. I let you sleep with me and then go and be with her the next day. I willing shared you because I wanted you to want me so bad that I thought eventually you would wake up and see what I had to offer and want me the same. The only time I felt you wanted me was when there was no one else in the picture. My moms says it not me. That you can't make someone love you enough to stay. I know you wanted me to sit back and give you time but this time I couldn't wait. I had to try to get over you enough to move on. I feel like I gave you a year of waiting while you went back and forth between me and her. This was it for me. One last fighting chance and I lost.
I am now trying to except reality for how it is. You will be leaving and moving on with your life and I will try to do the same. That is all I want Jeff, is to be happy. I want you to be too, deep down I do. I just wanted to be happy before you were so that I wouldn't have to sit back and watch you get on with your life while I sat back and cried. I have never questioned myself more in my life. I have never felt so insecure and down on myself as now. You know everything that I want in a relationship. I am going to try really hard to be happy Jeff, to let all the hurt go and move on the way you are. I am sorry if I was harsh the other day when I said all though things.
Please rest asure that Charlie will be taken care of and he does have a good mother. Everything I do is for him and I will make sure he is taken care of. While you are gone, I will try to except your relationship and get over the pain. I will work on forgiving you so that I can truely move on and be happy. But from your own experiences, you know forgiving me was not an easy process and it will most likely take me a while.
When I said things might not be the same when you come back I met that I am going to work on all these things and hopefully be in a better place when you return. The constant contact does neither of us any good and I am definitly bad at doing that. I fall back on you because you know me, but I shouldn't and I end up feeling hurt anyways bc you don't normally come through. It's just life and I need to except it.
So, I promise to try really very hard. And if you could for Christmas just write me a letter. Write me a letter that I can re-read while you are gone and know that everything you said in it still holds true regaurdless of the month or year.
And remember, regaurdless of anything- I do love you deep down and always will.
With love,
Lisa Hope
Friday, November 30, 2007
Hurricane Hell
Current mood: pissed off
This week has sucked so bad. I have been late for work everyday and been rushing around like crazy. I am so tired of never having time for myself and really wish i could just go home and do nothing. I don't even want to pick Charlie up from Daycare. I truely want some time to myself. I wish I could take him to my dad's house bc they love Charlie and never mind watching him. However, their house is gross and they smoke. I can't have Charlie in that environment. I can't trust Jeff to take care of Charlie properly. He doesn't keep him on a scedule or feed him like he is suppose to. I am just burned out and tired this week. It's crazy how fast a week can fly by and leave you feeling like you just went through a hurricane.
What makes it worse is that I feel like I have taken 2 steps back with the entire Jeff situation. I was really getting to a place where I didn't want him. I still don't want to be with him. I know that Jason is the best choice and I truely do want to be with him, but I can't stop the feelings that I have for Jeff. I still love him and miss him. I wish so bad things would have turned out differently.
I wish my mother was more willing to help me with Charlie. It's like she chooses not to make my situation any easier. She doesn't work so she could spend more time with Charlie, but she refuses to. And she throws a fuss about even allowing me to take Beth down to my house to watch him while I go out or something. Why on earth would she not want to spend time with her grandson or help give me a break once a week? I guess I am suppose to never get a break. Fucking Jeff for always getting a break! He sees Charlie at his convience. Must be fucking nice.
The further into this e-mail I go the more and more pissed off I become! Not to mention I am up to my eyeballs in dept! Christ, I am not getting anyone a present this year. I can't afford to pay my bills let alone a present for someone.
Man, I am grouchy today! I better go get something to eat. Maybe that will make me feel better.
Friday, November 16, 2007
How it is
Current mood: cranky
Category: Life
It has been a rough couple of weeks. Jeff and I didn't work out. Mandy came back intot he picture and confused him. He started seeing her behind my back and lieing to me about it. I found out over a week before I got up enough nerve to tell him I knew. I wanted him and I to work out so badly that I was trying to deal with sharing him and killing him with kindness to win him over into choosing to be with me. I figured if he was still coming around that I still had a chance. It ended up tearing me apart, really bad. So, after I confronted him he no longer had to lie or pretend do shortly after, he took all his stuff from my apartment and went back home. He stopped calling as much and is back to seeing Charlie once a week for a few hours, not even the entire day. It was so hard to except at first, but I am doing much better with it now. I can finally say that I except it and no long want to be with him. I am so sad that it didn't wor but I now know that it will never be different and he will always be like this. I need to move on with my life.
I saw my entire life flast in front of my face. I am so skinny right now that I am wearing a size 0! I was so depressed and crying. I was going down hill and could bearly work. I can't live like that and I want so much more. So, I prayed a lot of prays, and tryed to figure out what I want from a relationship and discovered that it wasn't Jeff.
I am just really sad bc I wanted it so bad and now I have to except that it isn't going to be the way I planned.
However, I am seeing someone new. His name is suprisingly, Jason- another J I know. He is a state trooper and lives in Belaire in a really nice house of his own. He doesn't act like a cop at all! He is sweet and nice to me and really likes me too. We talk about everything and he lets me be me. I am really happy with him, but am so scared too bc I still care very much for Jeff and I am scared for the future with someone else bc it's nothing like I thought it would be. However, Jason is exactly the type of person I need to be with and WANT to be with. I just have to let go of Jeff, not look back, and only look at the future.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
It’s finally happening!
Current mood: excited
Category: Romance and Relationships
It's finally happening. I am falling in love with the most amazing man! All of you out there that have been praying for me, who have had my back when my world was crashing down on me- your prays, MY prays, are being answered. I didn't even see him coming. I was so upset about Jeff that I could not see that he was right in front of my face!
I find myself thinking, is this really happening? Does he really feel the same way about me? He does!! It's so amazing to look into the eyes of someone and see the same love starring back at you as you have for them. I am so happy and excited for the future, for the day! For the blessing of this man in my life!
I can honestly say that this is something I have never felt before. I have never been so insync with another person as I am with him. We can talk about anything, we enjoy the same hobbies, music, we are friends foremost and everything else has just fallen into place!
Now, I can't post this public yet because we are taking it slow and people we care about have their feelings at stake. He is a friend of Jeff's. Even though Jeff and I are not together, I still feel that he should hear it from me or him and not through other people. Also, my dear friend Julie likes him and they dated briefly. He broke it off with her because they are just not right for eachother; however, I am sure this will sting for the both of them.
So, we are waiting a little while until we shout to the world that we are a couple. But it's hard because when you are this happy you want to tell everyone!
I am so happy and I never want it to end. I want to love this man forever!
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Flys on Shit
Category: Blogging
If I didn't care, I would put Mandy in her place. I want so bad to e-mail her and not bit my tongue. So, i thought I better at least write what I would say before I go crazy and give her a piece of my mind. With that being said......
Mandy,
So, I hear you are back around. I are not suprised, you seem to be the type of person who only thinks about herself. God forbid if you think about Jeff's son or anyone else for that matter, you freakin home wrecker. However, I am not really worried about this outcome. It is the same everytime. So, have your fun for the time being, but I hope in the back of your mind you never forget, he will always care for me in a way that he will never for you. I will ALWAYS be apart of his life and being with him means dealing with me, and he cheats on you every time with yours truely... me (oh, that reminds me, back in August when you were at the beach, he was sleeping with me). In the end, I will be the one standing beside Jeff. He will get tired of your crap and will eventually get rid of you for good. And if having one last romp with you is what he needs to set you free, so be it. He was so happy when you were not around to fuck with his mind.
That is the thing I can't stand about you. You are the type of person who gives single moms a bad name. You have no education, no degree, a crappy job at Pharma Care, and the only way you can support yourself and your son is to live off mommy and step daddy. Its so sad bc your life seem so bleak. You are a leach. And kind of thick around the tummy area, butt and well everywhere else. Opps, did I say that. My bad. I ment to say, your fat!
Well, I feel better, how about you??? I am so glad I got that off my chest. So, rock on bitch bc you have nothing on me.
Yours Truely,
Lisa
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Hebrews 10:36
Current mood: optimistic
Category: Religion and Philosophy
"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."
Monday, November 05, 2007
Galatians 6:9
Current mood: sad
Category: Religion and Philosophy
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
I try to live my life according to this scripture. If we hurt people, talk behind their backs, lie and cheat, we will never be happy with ourselves or with others. How will anyone show us true love and kindness if we do not show them the same?
I am convinced that if I do what I feel is right in my life, take care of my son, take care of myself (I really need to work on that one), and show love even when it hurts, I will be rewarded when God feels it is time. If I show love, I will eventually get love in return.
I pray everyday to be loved, to have a family, and a yellow house with blue shutters. My dream is not to be a famous movie star, a millionaire or anything like that. I just want to have someone sitting beside me on the cough on Saturday night watching a movie with Charlie in his lil' swing.
My time will come. Thank the Lord that we have a forgiving God. Because of that all my past mistakes have been erased from his mind and he loves me like no other. He will not allow me to be sad forever. In the mean time, I will hold fast to my faith and have well.... HOPE of corse :>)
Friday, November 02, 2007
Dear God
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Jeff asked me not to leave him. He asked me to be patient and give him time to figure out what he wants. How do I do that? How do I sit back with all of the feelings that I have for him and let him hold and kiss and be with someone else? How do I get up everyday and not want to run my car into a tree when I think about the fact he was with her last night. I want so bad to be happy. I want to be loved and held and supported on a daily bases. I am deserving of that. So, why do I not do whatever it takes to get that? Why am I not the one he wants? Will there ever be someone who wants me without a shadow of a doubt?
Please God, please guide my heart. Please help me to find happiness. Please stop me from wanting to die. Help me to want to live. Let me be happy.
Friday, October 12, 2007
As a mother...
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Blogging
Isn't it ironic that I busted my ass all through college, got a couple degrees, have a pretty decent job for this area, but am more broke now than I ever was waitressing through college? I am a single mother. I am not married. I don't belong to a two income family, but I still can't get help from the government because I make a few thousand dollars more than the cut off.
Being a mother is much harder than I was never expecting. The worries are endless. Everyday I worry whether Charlie will take his nap or not, how I will pay the childcare, when I can expect Charlie's child support. It's not Jeff's fault. Its the government for taking their good-old time mailing the check. Oh, and can you believe that the government is withholding 191$ of Charlie's support for the assistance when I was off? Can you believe that? They are taking money from a single mother. And damn its not like I want to use the money to get my nails done or a pedicure. Hell, I just want to be able to pay for 4 days worth of daycare. I can't afford 4, so he only goes 3 days. I relie on my step-mother, mother, Jeff, and whomever else can watch Charlie so I can go to work and bring home a paycheck.
Last night I got Charlie's pictures taken at Olan Mills. That turned out to be a distaster, but while I was sitting there a mother carried out her daughter and what seemed to be her halloween costume. I actually got tears in my eyes because I wanted so bad to buy Charlie a costume like Cyrena and Erica were, and get his picture taken as a lil' pumkin or something, but I didn't have the extra 20$ to buy the costume. I should have been happying I had 40$ on my credit card to even get pictures. I am blessed, I know that. I mean, the CC is not maxed but when Charlie is older I will have wonderful pictures of him as a baby. Its important to me.
The worries are endless, I know that. Being a mother is the hardest job ever. I struggle to make the best decisions for Charlie and myself. I want so bad to be happy and I want so bad for things with Jeff and I to be better. I care very deeply for him and I want so bad for the feeling to be reciprocated. Life is hard at times and I just want to know I can count on someone to always have my back.
I have confidence that I will get through this. God has come through for me so many times before. So, I will get off my soap box for now and get some work done.
Love,
HOPE
Friday, September 21, 2007
Goose Bumps
Current mood: scared
Category: Blogging
I heard a song this morning and it truely gave me goose bumps- "Stay- by SugarLand. I know I need to love like I have never been hurt before, but it is so difficult to forget the past and love like that. I am so happy for the time I have with Jeff. But I can not help but to feel like the bottle is going to fall out from underneth me. It is only a matter of time before Mandy comes back in the picture to steal my family away. I have never wanted anything more in my life but to have Jeff and a future with him. I can't destroy what we have right now though. I will for sure if I continue to act insecure and afraid. But how do you love like that? How do you allow yourself to love like you have never been hurt before?
Dear God,
Please give me the strength. Please help me deal with the cards I have been delt and strive to make the right choices as much as I can. Help me to be the best person I can be. Please don't let this all blow up in my face. Please bring Jeff and I closer and continue to build the bridge and repair our relationship. Help him to read my heart, open his up and see how much I love him. Above all, keep me strong and help me to be the best mother and person that I can be.
Amen~
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
I don’t know what else to do :>/
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Life
Where to start....I have thought for days about writing this e-mail to you. I do not know much about you as a person but as a mother, I feel I do to some extent. The future is going to be whatever it will be but I just want you to know how much I truely love Jeff. We have a history and a child, as you know, but my feeling have only deepened with the time apart not lessened. I am so completely in love with him and want more then anything to have a future with him. This is not only bc of Charlie, but bc I can not see my life without him in it. He is my everything and I want him.
I am writing to tell you this as women to women. If you don't want to be with Jeff, if you don't see a future with him, please...please back away and respect that I want it all. The entire package with him and will do what it takes to make things better between us. Perhaps this makes me appear pathetic or insecure, but honetly Mandy, I am in so many ways bc you had everything that I had to live without for so many months. I say this with tears in my eyes bc its all so true. Its not your fault by any means, it's just what it was.
We have been getting along recently not only bc of Charlie but bc we are treating each other with respect and love. I am so happy but so afraid you will walk back in and it will be all over again between us. I just want a fair chance to make it work. I know he loves you. I except that. I respect you too bc you obviously are a good girl if he loved you so. I was only ever hurt that it was back and forth for so many months between you and him and him and me. But I waited bc I didnt know what else to do. I tired to move on, but I can't. I know I am rambling, but basically, you can love someone but realize that it's not enough to make it last forever. I think that is how you feel deep down. You love Jeff but he is not your "Everything". HE IS TO ME. You both can have that love for one another, but let me have his future.
I realize this e-mail can go 2 ways, you can say, "its on now" and go after him to win him back bc you don't want us together. Or you can put yourself in my shoes and respect what I am saying.
Mandy, we walk the same shoes.
And I am sorry for the DJ situation. That was disrepectful and mean. But it seems that your heart is else where to- with DJ and probably always will be too. This is the same as me with Jeff. So with that being said,
Just think about me and if he really truely is what you want, if you go back after him. If you cant see marrying him, just walk away. I want the ring, the life, the house and everything else. Especially his heart.
I am sorry, honest. I just don't know what else to do.
Thank you for listening and hearing me out.
Lisa
Friday, September 14, 2007
With love, Lisa (HOPE)
Current mood: grateful
As I predicted, Mandy and Jeff are broken up. She broke up with him like she always does. Stupid girl. She is too young and not ready for the type of relationship that Jeff wants. I know where she is in her life bc I was there once too. Actually, up until September of 06, I was wanting my cake and to eat it to, just like her. However, having a child changed me- unlike her.
I have grown so much over the past year. I truely feel like a different person then I have ever before. I now know what I want in my life and am ready for it. I want a family, a committed, healthy relationship and a man that I can count on and take care of like no other. I want all though things with Jeff.
I almost wrote Mandy an e-mail to ask her to stay away and give Jeff and I a chance to make things work. But then I realized that Mandy is not the problem. Jeff has to make the choice to not take her back in a few weeks when she wants him. He has to choose me and there is nothing I can do but he the best person that I can be to Jeff and Charlie. So, with that being said, I am going to really try to make things work with Jeff. I love him so much. I have tried for over a year to move on. I have dated other guys, but I always go back to Jeff. I want him to once again want me like he used to. I want him to want to be clingy like before. I want him to hold my hand and be able to tell me he loves me like he used to.
Its funny, as drunk as I was at the concert 2 months ago, I still notice Jeff holding Mandy's hand when they walked by. I remember it being a blurr bc I didnt see them coming, but she walked by like she was something to fuse over. Luckly, I was too drunk to care and really feel like she doesn't hold a candle to me. However, it isn't about which one of us is prettier or has the better body or whose sex he prefers. Its about who he sees a future with and who he loves.
People say, "how can you want to be with someone who treated you so poorly?" Well, I caused much of the mess with my lies and cheating. If I change my behavior and be a better girlfriend and stay consious of his feelings maybe we will have a chance to make a lasting relationship. I want to be with him more then anything in my life. I have never had it all handed back to me before. I have never knew how it felt to be lied and cheated on. I have never felt the pain that comes with finding out that the person you love is sleeping with someone else and ultimately wants them and not you until this year. I was a selfish person. I only thought about myself.
My only fear now is that if Jeff is forced to choose between Mandy and I , he will choose her. It is so scary but I refuse to sabatash our fresh start. This is our chance and I want it so bad.
Oh God please- Please keep me strong and guide Jeff's heart. Guide my heart as well. Let us mend the bridges we have burned and become a family. Help me stay true and honest and be the best person that I can be.
With love,
Lisa (HOPE)
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Humbled
Current mood: determined
Category: Blogging
It has been sometime since my last post. I wish I had some exciting news to write about but I guess you can say that my life has been rather slow lately. I go to work, come home, and take care of Charlie. He has been sick with a cold recently. That has made his cough come back worse then normal. The poor thing. I feel for him bc his cough actually scares people who are not used to hearing it. It must be painful for him. He really is the sweetest lil' boy. He doesn't really cry much and is really pleasant most days. I really enjoy dressing him up in hats and glasses and taking funny pictures of him. He doesn't seem to mind much either. I am pretty used to not having a break. My break is work and thats not a break really. But atleast I can check my e-mail and balance my checkbook and be comfortable knowing Charlie is being cared for. His new sitter is great! She keeps Charlie in a low key environment and on a scedule for the most part.
I had a job interview in Winchester VA yesterday for a planning position. I need a fresh start. I actually need so much more then that. I need to become more comfortable and happy in my life reguardless of what season it is. Maybe I should be thanking God that my life is not in termoil (sp) at this point. Maybe I should be happy bc I am so humbled after this experience. Winchester may not be the solution, but I never want my life to be limited. I want so much and I am determined to try like hell to get it.
I do know one thing. The next person to be in a relationship with me is truely a lucky man bc I will be the best gf in the entire world. I never want to treat people the way I have been treated recently. I know now more then ever what I want and I am happy to finally be ready for it.
When I look back at this past year and think, how did I ever get through this?, I realize and thank God I have the people I do in my life. I love you all. And like I said before, the people who know me truely do love me bc they read my heart. I am so blessed to have such great friends!
Friday, August 17, 2007
Then vs. Now
Current mood: optimistic
Category: Blogging
I was driving up from Lavale on Rt. 40 and passed Piney Mountain Rd., the road "we" lived on last year. I got a little sentimental and almost drove up past our old house. I thought for a second how I wish it was last August all over again. It had been a great month for us, possibly one of our bests. I thought about how I wish I could have done things differently and how that could have changed the outcome of the months to follow. But then I remembered that much of what occurred was because we were not really happy. It was all an act. I think the hardest thing to accept is that the person you care for isn't the right person for you after all, that it doesn't matter how hard you try, how much you give in to- ultimately it just isn't going to work. It wont work for Charlie's sake or just because you love each other. I guess you can try forever to put a square peg in a round hole and it will never fit. But I still love him with all my heart and I want him regaurdless. I want to make it work with him. But why??? He doesn't even want me.
I am to the point where I break out in hives every time I have to see or talk to him. Hell, even talk about him. Vanessa said last night, "why do you let this man affect you like this?" I am just so done being hurt and let down by him that I can no longer stand to even think of anything at all to do with him without becoming worked up and about half sick.
However I may feel, I really am trying to get past it all and move on with my life. Being real with myself has allowed me to see that he is not the type of man I want in my life. I want a man who wants to be with me. Who loves me with their entire heart. Honest. I now am only morning the loss of the fantacy. The dream I had for the future we were going to have together. The family and all that made up. Before I screwed everything up, we were great together. It's all about choices and unfortunality, I have made plenty of wrong one that have got me here- alone without the man I love.
Life is so much different for me now, but I am okay, a little bet up from the fall but I will bounce back, I always do. I applied for a job in Winchester Va., down where my sister lives, but honestly, I don't think I will even take it if I am offered the job. I will probably get a lot of shit from everyone but I realized on the way to Va. a few weeks back that moving was only my desperate attempt to run away from my life. But after talking to Jeremiah I realized that the problems just follow you. Plus, I have such a great support system here. And I am considering graduate school again this May. I got accepted last year but couldn't go bc of Charlie, but this year life will be different. Maybe I can finally accomplish what I have been striving for for 3 years- my masters in teaching.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Advice to live by
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Life
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street. You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him -- he takes it for granted. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Life after pregnancy
Current mood: content
Category: Life
After 8 full weeks of being off work, the money has run out and I am off to the job again. Oh joy!
Charlie is doing so much better now. He is a happy and healthy. He has started to smile and kicks his legs and moves his arms when he is excited. He still has the cough, but other than that, has recovered from the Whooping Cough. He already enjoys books, especially, I love you Stinky Face and Baby Einstein videos. He still gets up about once a night and yes he is spoiled- he has a place next to his mommy in the bed most nights. There is nothing I enjoy more then being with him and hate that I have to leave him to make a pay check.
Specking of money, ha Jeff is not giving me any and daycare isn't cheap. Neither is medical bills and diapers. I am working on this issue through DSS but in the mean time, I just have to hang in there. I have a girl, Tiffany coming to the house 3 days a week. She is young but seems to be good with Charlie.
I am looking to move to Winchester if something comes up that I enjoy. A fresh start will do me good. Anna said I could stay with her. I have beeen spending sometime down there just to get away.
This town is too small for Jeff and I both. He is back with Mandy and appears to be happy, appears. But somebody with all that anger can't really be that happy can they? He was up my butt for about a month but it didnt last long. I thought I was seeing the true Jeff in June-July, but am realizing the real Jeff is an mean/ self-centered man who needs medication and anger management. Hate me all you want, I have Charlie and that is what really matters to me. I wouldn't even take his money if I could do without. I would let him walk away and count my blessings not to have to deal with him and share Charlie with someone who only wants him to save on the amount of childs support he must pay. Its funny when he calls him his boy. Charlie bearly knows him. Ever since he went back to Mandy he has only seen Charlie 3 times. Its normally on a wim and at his convience. I could go on and on about this topic but prefer to move on.
I am trying to get on with my life. Nothing like some good counseling and medication to get over the hump of having a baby and being a single mom. This is not me crying the blues. Two days ago I watched Charlie smiling and kicking his legs while watching an Enstein video and I thought, "I am so lucky to be wittnessing this!" Jeff may enoy another mans son, but he doesn't get to see his own grow and change and become the most precious boy in the entire world.
I have been so blessed to have Julie and Jeremiah as friends this summer! Jeremiah is Julie's boyfriend and my "Big Brother." I love him! Not like you may think. No we are not sleeping together like many will say. He is just simular to a soul mate on many levels to me. His daughter Breanna is so sweet and I love her just the same. I am so happy to say, they both are my new neighbors and make me consider not leaving the area just so I can be close to them.
As for Julie, well she calls Charlie her boyfriend and I can see why. He loves her! There are few people who I trust as much as her with my lil' boy. We spend about every evening together cooking dinner or getting dinner. I mean hey, they both had to take antibiotics when Charlie got sick and Jeremiah had symptoms! Thats how much time we spend together. I don't want them to ever break up. I would be more sad then even they would be. Well, I don't know, Jeremiah is crazy about Julie! If you knew him, you would understand why there will never be anything between J and I. Old high school sweet hearts who never got over one another. If only Julie would move in with me and Charlie. We have the room and she doesn't have furniture anyways, only a huge TV that would go perfect in my livingroom :>).... Anyways, life is okay most days and when its not I normally call up J&J and say, "whats for dinner?"
Well, its time for lunch. I am meeting Julie at Sandsprings for lunch. She has Charlie today while I work.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Here I Am
Current mood: blah
Category: Blogging
Yes, I am tired of being pregnant and BIG. Three people today said I looked like I was going to bust before 9 am! and one was at McDonalds. It wouldn't be so bad if I had some nice guy in my life telling me how beautiful I looked and glowing or anything. Its rough today being a single mom/pregnant lady. How easy men can just walk out of your life if they don't like the responsibilities or situation. I cant walk away from this. But thats not me anyways. My choices got me here and all I can do is except my life for how it is and keep my head held as high as I can. Today I just feel like, "Is there a decent man out there who would want me and all I come with?" Be honest? I am nearly 26, on May 20th, and a single mom struggling to make it. I am sad today :>) But god will get me through. He will take care of me. He has so far. Its just not the way it should me...but life is never a bed of roses.
I will be okay. I haven't been sad in over a month, so one day of woo is me is okay. I am just tired and wore out. I worked like 13 hrs alone yesterday bc we had a Planning Commission meeting and I have another meeting tonight. My feet are really swollen so I really need to go home and put them up.
Hopefully I will be having this baby soon and then getting back to feeling like my old self again! Not too much longer.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Please say a pray for my lil' boy
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
After having an irregular sonigram come back of the baby 2 weeks ago, they have finally got me in with a Dr. up in Morgantown. I go on Tuesday for further tests to see the extent of the babies swollen ventricles. Monday I go back to the hospital here in Cumberland for further tests due to the toxemia that I am developing. I will be monitored weekly in the hospital from now on to make sure the baby is doing okay. I think he has dropped so it should hopefully be soon. I think that Dr. Khachan has my due date wrong bc my previous Dr. said I was due May 5th not June 5th. That seems to be more in line with how I am doing and feeling. So, if you can, please say a pray for my son that everything turns out to be okay. I have attached a link to a web page that discribes his potential problem. Its scary to think this could cause retardation!
So, please keep us in your prays and I will keep you all updated.
Love,
Lisa and baby (his name is a suprise!)
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Inner Peace :>)
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Blogging
Inner Peace, by Dr. Phil
I am passing this on to you because I hear it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zin, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kaluha, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Venting!
Category: Life
Dear Gosh Damn Paper Folder,
I used to like you a lot. Some would even say I loved you, but not anymore! Today we must break up! You suck and so do all these damn surveys my Notzi boss is making me stuff. Go to hell and leave me alone. I have better things to do then mess around with you, like rack the gosh damn rocks out of the yard! I almost gave birth in the yard last night doing it. You suck and I don't like you anymore.
Lisa-
Monday, April 02, 2007
Spring is here!!!
Current mood: excited
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Shhhhh, I am so glad that it is April and the last 2 months of my life are over. February and March were so shitty. I am glad to put the past in the past and can say I lived through the "DOG" days of winter. Cheers to Spring and all the excitement to come! I start my child birth classes this week and my baby shower is next weekend! I have so many people coming from hours and hours away that I haven't seen in forever. Its so exciting to see everyone! My best friend Audra is driving all the way from TN.- a 9 hour drive to spend the weekend with me. Amanda- 3.5 hours, Karina 3.5 hours, Becky and Heather- 3 hours, Aimee- 2 hours!!! It just goes to show how many people I have who love and support me.
Cheers to a happy and exciting season.
Before I was a mom
Current mood: chipper
Category: Blogging
Before I was a Mom
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
My elephant foot
Current mood: sore
Category: Life
Its not toxemia- its celulities. I guess when the nail went into my knee, it caused me to get an infection that spread down my leg. My foot looked like an elephants foot! I spent the entire day yesterday at 3 different doctors. But the baby is okay. So, I am on bed rest now. Fun fun! As if I have the leave time to use now when I am due in 2 months. This is pay back for doing too much over the weekend. I have a few more things to do at the house before I am through, but for the most part things are coming together. I think I am going to like it at the apartment. Its a new start with all new memories to make. Its kind of a fresh start and a door closing to the last year of my life. I am embracing the change and ready to start a new chapter in my life.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Cankles?
Current mood: crazy
Category: Life
Oh my gosh, I think I have toxemea! I am swelling up like a blimp! My ankles are like cankles. My feet are like hooves and my legs are "manly." I'm bringing sexy back, yea!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
No Pain No Game?
Current mood: sore
Category: Blogging
"What is an eight month pregnant women doing onto of a computer desk taking curtains down???" Beat me. I think she is hard headed and a lil' bit nieve to the fact she isn't as skinny as she once was.
Ha, my baby is pretty damn strong, too bad my knees aren't. I am now hobbling around on cruches with a sprain knee. Nothing is more pathetic and funny as a pregnant women on cruches. I can't take this pain, how am I ever going to give birth?
I spent all day Monday watching the baby channel at moms, watching the many women give birth. The whole labor thing is pretty gross. I hope my coach doesn't fall over and pass out! I have plenty of back ups though.
Oh, what fun times a head!
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
My blessing from God
Current mood: contemplative
Last night I layed in bed and could watch my belly moving all around. It's finally to the point that you can tell its a foot or arm. When I feel my tummy in that certain spot, its a hard lump, like I am touching him. I am getting more and more excited for the day I get to see my lil' man. I wonder what color his hair will be? Will be look like me? Will he be anything like me?
My life has taken on a different meaning. Grad school was my focus for many years. It still is important to me, but my baby- making it for him is now what is my focus. My life means so much more now bc I have someone who is going to rely on me for everything and to do right by him. I will be my babies everything. I want him to look at me and see a 8 foot tall women who can do anything. I don't want him to look at me as someone who is weak, defeated, and depressed. I want him to learn to treat people honest and fair. To always tell the truth and treat everyone with respect. I want him to be well mannered. To respect his elders and feel like he can do anything he sets his mind to.
My life is changing and I am ready to embrace it. Perhaps Jehovah put this baby in my life to truely give me meaning to life. He blessed me with a gift- a son. Everything else just isn't that important.
Friday, March 16, 2007
What goes around, comes around....
Category: Life
Last night as I was walking out of Walmart, Jeff walked in carrying Mandy's son and walked right by me and acted like I was a stranger. He didn't even acknowledge that I was there. I mean who am I, only the mother of his unborn baby. How can someone who is suppose to be so honorable treat me like that? It hasn't even been 2 weeks since I stayed at his house and he told me that he loved me. All along I am just getting bread crumb. He can't even be honest with me. If he truely wanted to be with her then why not tell me that? Why string me along? He was worried about me telling Mandy bc he felt it was a knife in her back. Well, last night he put a knife in my heart. And the sad thing is he doesn't even care. He never even looked back at me standing there in front of everyone crying bc the father of my baby doesn't even care enough to ask me how his child is. He cares more about himself then anyone else. What a shame that he will miss out on such a joy. Life isn't fair, but ultimantly I will deal with this like I have delt with everyother jerk in my life.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
"Take me as I am"
Current mood: chipper
Category: Life
Mary J Blige - Take Me As I Am Lyrics
[Verse 1:]
She's been down and out
She's been wrote about
She's been talked about, constantly
She's been up and down
She's been pushed around
But they held her down, NYC
She has no regrets
She accepts the past
All these things they
helped make to make she
She's been lost and found
And she's still around
There's a reason for everything
You know I've been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.
[Chorus:]
So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
[Verse 2:]
Now she's older now
Yes, she's wiser now
Can't disguise her now
She don't need
No one tellin her
What to do and say
No one tellin her
Who to be
She's on solid ground
She's been lost and found
Now, she answers to G-O-D
And she's confident
This is not the end
Ask me how I know
Cause she is me.
You know I've been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.
[Chorus:]
So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Lord knows I'm a lucky man"
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life
I have a baby appointment tomarrow. I will probably have to start going every 2 weeks now. I don't have much longer before my lil baby is here. Its been a rough 7 months, but today I woke up with a different frame of mind. I know I have the odds against me, but I feel powerful today, like I am tired of putting up with crap and ready to take charge of my life. I can honestly say that I can look in the mirror at myself and be proud of who I see. I no longer feel guilty for my mistakes. I have done what I can to make things right. I can't take back the past, but I can learn from it. I have and will be a better Lisa for it all. I deserve so much more then what I have been getting. I have a healthy baby son on the way. I have always thought it would be difficult for me to get pregnant. But here I am, 7 months preggo. I have watch 2 of my dear friends go through a miscarriage in the past 7 months and I really have to step back and count my blessings. The stress I have been under consistantly for the past months, you would think my son would not have been able to handle it. After all, he is only about 13 inches long and 2.5 lbs. He is already so much like his mother- strong. I remember the day in the Dr. office when Dr. Benham was looking at the baby on the screen and he made the comment that he was a fighter. That was at only 11 weeks.
My family and friends have been unbelieveable! I don't know how many times I have been crying on the phone to one of them and they actually started to cry too just bc they felt my pain and knew how bad I hurt. Many don't even know whats its like bc they haven't been there, but others know exactly where I am at bc they have walked in these shoes yet made it through. But thats the point, they are making it and so will I! I have felt myself grow so much strong in 7 months. This by far is the hardest thing I have every been through, but I wake up everyday and I do what I need to do to survive and take care of my son. I just don't feel desperate and needy anymore. I feel forgiven and optimistic. Forgivance is power. In the end, you just have to ask yourself, "Did you do everything you could do?" and if the answer is yes- Let go of it and move on. I can live with myself and my choices and thats all the matters.
"Now she's older now
Yes, she's wiser now
Can't disguise her now
She don't need
No one tellin her
What to do and say
No one tellin her
Who to be
She's on solid ground
She's been lost and found
Now, she answers to G-O-D
And she's confident
This is not the end
Ask me how I know
Cause she is me."
I have so much to be happy for and its time I start focusing on that. In one year my sister, Anna, someone who I have always admired- has truely become one of my best and dearest friends. I have regained my friendship with Holly, my Yoders pal and best friend. I can tell her Anything and I have. Andrea, Megan, and Kristin- my Birthing Coach and party planner. You guys have had my back through thick and thin and for you- I am so greatful!
Monday, March 05, 2007
Venting
Current mood: sad
Category: Life
Here I am sitting back waiting for my acceptance letter into the graduate program when I am blind sided into finding out that I have to take another damn test and pass before I can get in! Under normal circumstances the praxis 1 test is a cumulative score, but bc my gpa was borderline I have to pass each section of the test. I have been applying for this program for 3 years now and I was never told I was a special circumstance. Fuck! As if I have the time or money to pay to pass a test right now. I have so much on my plate as it is. You would think someone would finally throw me a freakin bone already! I realize that I wasn't going to beable to go into the program this May, but I was so excited to be getting the acceptance letter in the mail. I was planning on deferring the acceptance until next May (2008). But it was the point of having everything completed and nothing more to worry about. One more test that I am not positive to pass when I take. One more 100$ down the drain. One more let down and disapointment to add to my plate.
When is it all going to end?
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Bottled up Pain
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Blogging
I wish there was a way to bottle up pain and open it up for a lil taste everytime you needed to be reminded of how something felt. Maybe then you would be less likely to make the same mistake over and over again.
Ring Ring....brother
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Life
Well, in my last blog I stated that I would not talk to Jeff or answer his phone calls- well unfortunally when you are being harrassed at 2 am by a blocked number for over an hour, it is hard to not answer the telephone to find out what syco is calling. Atleast I got to the bottom of the prank calls. I honestly didn't believe Jeff would do that. When I called the police I wasn't sure who they would discover was making the calls, but I didn't think it would be Jeff. He claims he had a "brain fart" according to the officer who spoke to him. He made his choice last week and then decided to dig his heals in by posting the blog for my reading pleasure. He had me in a puddle of tears all week sick to my stomach, crying my eyes out over what he had did and then to top it all off- he decided I hadn't had enough. I needed disturbing phone calls in the middle of the night. If he doesn't want to be with me- so be it, but why can't he just leave me alone? What could be possibly have to say to me? What rude comment or hurtful statement do I need to hear? I have to start thinking about this baby and what is best for him and being stressed and sick is not best. If I want to minimize the stress in my life, I need to not talk to Jeff. God give me strength, help me to stay pissed off, and help me to get over him. If for anyone- my son!
What have I learned this year so far?
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Blogging
I have learned that even your family can disapoint you. And I often ask, "if you can't trust your family, then who can you trust?" Sometimes the only person you can count on is yourself. I shouldn't be so hard so myself and I need to take care of me even above Charlie bc if I am not well then Charlie wont be either. I need to take my medicine, even if I don't think I need it. I am finally learning from my past and avoiding making the same mistakes over and over again. History repeats itself if you let it. I am listening to my head along with my heart these days and I am finding myself more happy bc of it. Life is learning process and I am learning little by little.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
So, I was thinking of telling you this...
Current mood: angry
So, I was thinking what is the pt of us being friends on myspace? You do not post even comments I leave about our son almost like you are trying to hide the fact that I am Charlie's mother. If we are friends, then we should be able to be friends and lets be honest- that is not possible. So, being friends on myspace is only our way of checking in on eachother, seeing what is going on, who our friends are, what profile changes we have made. It's dumb. And to be honest, everytime I logged on and see one of my friends have posted a blog I cring to see who it is bc it brings back the memories of the day you posted a blog saying how happy you were with mandy and I didnt even know she existed. So, I am going to delete you bc I find myself blocking my blogs only to protect you. I by no means want to rub in your face that things with Jas and I are going well. We are not friends Jeff, we bearly even talk in reguards to Charlie. You asked me how I was the other day and honestly, everytime I think about everything I don't have and get sad, I just remind myself of everything I DO have now. The less contact with you, the easier things are. So, you go your way- be "happy" as your profile says and I will go mine. Bc honestly, I can't even remember the happy times anymore. It is covered by so many times of sadness. So, go be happy and I will try the same. Lets just not pretend to be friends, there is no need to lie.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Letting Go
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Life
To let go doesn't mean to stop caring, it means I can not do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it is the realization that I can not control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become whatever dream i can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for today.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
To a single mom
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Blogging
Dear Karen,
It is difficult to follow your head when your heart is still entangled with someone. You two were married and have a child together. It makes it extremely difficult, I know bc I walk in the same shoes as you. Jeff and I were not married but we lived together and have a past that goes back so far. I get so sad when I think about what we had and wish so bad we could go back to the times when we were happy and only wanted to be with each other. Except when he was 100%, I wasn't and vise versa. I have made so many mistakes and it is extremely difficult to except that there is nothing I can really do to make him want to be with me. I cry the same tears going on a year and a half now. The pain is still raw and the feelings cut so deep into my soul that I am not sure if I will ever truely recover, but I try. I get up everyday and make a conscience effort to try to get on with my life and be patient that one day my heart will catch up to my head. In the mean time, I participate in a codependency support group for women and yes, even man that find themselves in abusive relationships, putting up with crap just to not be alone, and having low self-esteem. And we both have to admit, if we felt better about our self we wouldn't ever let someone treat us the way we do. I highly recommend the group.
Just yesterday, I got into an argument with Jeff only the income tax. He was angry and went to file his taxes and claimed Charlie. I felt I deserved that money. Somehow he justified that he did. I was so angry. We ended up talking for a good while, probably the longest, decent talk in months. He asked for a truce. He said he doesn't want us to be enemies and I expressed to him how hurt I was once again for him leading me down a path that he really didn't tend to walk. He appologies for everything and said he wants us to try to get along. So, there you go, what can I do with that infomation except try, try so hard to except it and move on with my life.
So, Karen- rest asure that I understand, I get you and I feel your pain. Nothing is harder to except then reality at times. But one day, if we allow ourself to find happiness, we will look back and be greatful that it all worked out this way bc there is something better out there for the both of us and for right now, we have to be alone so that can find it.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Self Esteem
Current mood: lonely
I am so sick and tired of so much drama and crap in my life. I want so bad to pull myself out of this hole and get a back bone to be able to do what my brain, not heart, is telling me to do. My brain is saying the following things:
1.) Permanently, get ride of Jeff
2.) Tell Jason we are better as friends
3.) Get back to focusing on myself by improving my self esteem, passing the praxis, and getting into grad school
4.) Resist the temptation to be in a relationship with anyone for a while
But it is so scarey. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to end things with Jason bc maybe they will improve. Maybe he isn't just the guy to save me from Jeff. Maybe I can learn to be passionate about him. He is great with Charlie.
However, when I am with him I sometimes still feel alone. I just really need to focus on fixing myself and stop worrying about Jason or Jeff or anyone who drains me emotionally of my self worth.
I need prayer, I need something. I am just not sure what it is. But please God, read my heart and guide it in the direction it needs to go.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Current mood: angry
I hate you Mandy. You give single moms a bad name. Things with you and Jeff will never work and when they fall apart, I will laugh in your face. And yes, karma is a bitch and you will get yours too. BTW, when I see you out, be prepared for me to punch you in your face. I have never wanted to physically hurt someone like I want to hurt you. Your day will come.
Mediation
Current mood: restless
Category: Life
I had mediation with Jeff last night. We seemed to have delt with many of our concerns and finalized all the details of what was left of our relationship- Charlie. From here on out, there shouldn't be any major issues to discuss or fight over. Switch off should go smoothier and without any significant others present during the exchanges, it should be much easier to do what needs to be done and leave without much conflict. He can now go his way and I go mine. That is much easier said then done but with the past finally finalized and him leaving for the police academy, perhaps I will be able to accept the relationship for what it is and move on with my life once and for all. It has been a long and very difficult journey and I thank everyone for their support. I don't wish to discuss the technicalities right now. I would prefer to not talk at all. I just want everyone to know it is over and he is leaving. He is with Mandy and there isn't much more to say.
So, okay. I will leave it at that. Good luck Jeff and best of luck at the academy.
Monday, December 31, 2007
My New Year’s Resolution
I went to bed last night and pondered the thought of not getting out of bed today and making it to work. I woke up feeling like I didn't care if it was New Year's Eve or any other Monday. As I compare my life one year prior to how it is today, I can say it is better. I am not pregnant anymore. I have a beautiful baby boy and a life time of heartache because of it. I now will have deal with a man who has treated me so terribly this past year that I am not sure how or if I will ever recover from it. Everytime I take a step forward into the future, I am pulled back four and the scars of one bad relationship are tore open again leaving me tattered, weak, and so low that I am not sure how I will get back up another day. When you have been so hurt by a person how do you recover? How do you get past it when you have to deal with that person for 18 plus years? How do you deal with someone who constantly hurts you by putting things in your face and shitty all over you time and time again?
This year my resolution is to get over Jeff. To get on with my life and find happiness within myself. I want to learn to except defeat and be satisfied with how it turned out.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
All I want for Christmas
Current mood: content
Jeff,
All I want for Christmas from you is closure, an honest explanation for what went wrong this time? I sit here and bang my head against the wall asking myself why? I can't understand why you left and why I wasn't enough. Perhaps I will never know, but I need something. Maybe I just need to suck it up and put it all in the past, let it go. But I am having such a difficult time excepting that it is over and that you don't want a life with me. I get so angry because I don't want to love you. I don't even like you right now, but I think deep down inside I am just so full of hurt and bitterness that every time I see you, it reopens up a scab that is trying to heal. I feel completed scarred by the experience and I just don't know what to do to get past it.
This time I did everything and you still didn't treat me with enough respect to tell me the truth. You lied to me for weeks before I had to confront you. I knew what was going on but I was so pathetic that I sat back and let you treat me like a door mat. I let you sleep with me and then go and be with her the next day. I willing shared you because I wanted you to want me so bad that I thought eventually you would wake up and see what I had to offer and want me the same. The only time I felt you wanted me was when there was no one else in the picture. My moms says it not me. That you can't make someone love you enough to stay. I know you wanted me to sit back and give you time but this time I couldn't wait. I had to try to get over you enough to move on. I feel like I gave you a year of waiting while you went back and forth between me and her. This was it for me. One last fighting chance and I lost.
I am now trying to except reality for how it is. You will be leaving and moving on with your life and I will try to do the same. That is all I want Jeff, is to be happy. I want you to be too, deep down I do. I just wanted to be happy before you were so that I wouldn't have to sit back and watch you get on with your life while I sat back and cried. I have never questioned myself more in my life. I have never felt so insecure and down on myself as now. You know everything that I want in a relationship. I am going to try really hard to be happy Jeff, to let all the hurt go and move on the way you are. I am sorry if I was harsh the other day when I said all though things.
Please rest asure that Charlie will be taken care of and he does have a good mother. Everything I do is for him and I will make sure he is taken care of. While you are gone, I will try to except your relationship and get over the pain. I will work on forgiving you so that I can truely move on and be happy. But from your own experiences, you know forgiving me was not an easy process and it will most likely take me a while.
When I said things might not be the same when you come back I met that I am going to work on all these things and hopefully be in a better place when you return. The constant contact does neither of us any good and I am definitly bad at doing that. I fall back on you because you know me, but I shouldn't and I end up feeling hurt anyways bc you don't normally come through. It's just life and I need to except it.
So, I promise to try really very hard. And if you could for Christmas just write me a letter. Write me a letter that I can re-read while you are gone and know that everything you said in it still holds true regaurdless of the month or year.
And remember, regaurdless of anything- I do love you deep down and always will.
With love,
Lisa Hope
Friday, November 30, 2007
Hurricane Hell
Current mood: pissed off
This week has sucked so bad. I have been late for work everyday and been rushing around like crazy. I am so tired of never having time for myself and really wish i could just go home and do nothing. I don't even want to pick Charlie up from Daycare. I truely want some time to myself. I wish I could take him to my dad's house bc they love Charlie and never mind watching him. However, their house is gross and they smoke. I can't have Charlie in that environment. I can't trust Jeff to take care of Charlie properly. He doesn't keep him on a scedule or feed him like he is suppose to. I am just burned out and tired this week. It's crazy how fast a week can fly by and leave you feeling like you just went through a hurricane.
What makes it worse is that I feel like I have taken 2 steps back with the entire Jeff situation. I was really getting to a place where I didn't want him. I still don't want to be with him. I know that Jason is the best choice and I truely do want to be with him, but I can't stop the feelings that I have for Jeff. I still love him and miss him. I wish so bad things would have turned out differently.
I wish my mother was more willing to help me with Charlie. It's like she chooses not to make my situation any easier. She doesn't work so she could spend more time with Charlie, but she refuses to. And she throws a fuss about even allowing me to take Beth down to my house to watch him while I go out or something. Why on earth would she not want to spend time with her grandson or help give me a break once a week? I guess I am suppose to never get a break. Fucking Jeff for always getting a break! He sees Charlie at his convience. Must be fucking nice.
The further into this e-mail I go the more and more pissed off I become! Not to mention I am up to my eyeballs in dept! Christ, I am not getting anyone a present this year. I can't afford to pay my bills let alone a present for someone.
Man, I am grouchy today! I better go get something to eat. Maybe that will make me feel better.
Friday, November 16, 2007
How it is
Current mood: cranky
Category: Life
It has been a rough couple of weeks. Jeff and I didn't work out. Mandy came back intot he picture and confused him. He started seeing her behind my back and lieing to me about it. I found out over a week before I got up enough nerve to tell him I knew. I wanted him and I to work out so badly that I was trying to deal with sharing him and killing him with kindness to win him over into choosing to be with me. I figured if he was still coming around that I still had a chance. It ended up tearing me apart, really bad. So, after I confronted him he no longer had to lie or pretend do shortly after, he took all his stuff from my apartment and went back home. He stopped calling as much and is back to seeing Charlie once a week for a few hours, not even the entire day. It was so hard to except at first, but I am doing much better with it now. I can finally say that I except it and no long want to be with him. I am so sad that it didn't wor but I now know that it will never be different and he will always be like this. I need to move on with my life.
I saw my entire life flast in front of my face. I am so skinny right now that I am wearing a size 0! I was so depressed and crying. I was going down hill and could bearly work. I can't live like that and I want so much more. So, I prayed a lot of prays, and tryed to figure out what I want from a relationship and discovered that it wasn't Jeff.
I am just really sad bc I wanted it so bad and now I have to except that it isn't going to be the way I planned.
However, I am seeing someone new. His name is suprisingly, Jason- another J I know. He is a state trooper and lives in Belaire in a really nice house of his own. He doesn't act like a cop at all! He is sweet and nice to me and really likes me too. We talk about everything and he lets me be me. I am really happy with him, but am so scared too bc I still care very much for Jeff and I am scared for the future with someone else bc it's nothing like I thought it would be. However, Jason is exactly the type of person I need to be with and WANT to be with. I just have to let go of Jeff, not look back, and only look at the future.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
It’s finally happening!
Current mood: excited
Category: Romance and Relationships
It's finally happening. I am falling in love with the most amazing man! All of you out there that have been praying for me, who have had my back when my world was crashing down on me- your prays, MY prays, are being answered. I didn't even see him coming. I was so upset about Jeff that I could not see that he was right in front of my face!
I find myself thinking, is this really happening? Does he really feel the same way about me? He does!! It's so amazing to look into the eyes of someone and see the same love starring back at you as you have for them. I am so happy and excited for the future, for the day! For the blessing of this man in my life!
I can honestly say that this is something I have never felt before. I have never been so insync with another person as I am with him. We can talk about anything, we enjoy the same hobbies, music, we are friends foremost and everything else has just fallen into place!
Now, I can't post this public yet because we are taking it slow and people we care about have their feelings at stake. He is a friend of Jeff's. Even though Jeff and I are not together, I still feel that he should hear it from me or him and not through other people. Also, my dear friend Julie likes him and they dated briefly. He broke it off with her because they are just not right for eachother; however, I am sure this will sting for the both of them.
So, we are waiting a little while until we shout to the world that we are a couple. But it's hard because when you are this happy you want to tell everyone!
I am so happy and I never want it to end. I want to love this man forever!
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Flys on Shit
Category: Blogging
If I didn't care, I would put Mandy in her place. I want so bad to e-mail her and not bit my tongue. So, i thought I better at least write what I would say before I go crazy and give her a piece of my mind. With that being said......
Mandy,
So, I hear you are back around. I are not suprised, you seem to be the type of person who only thinks about herself. God forbid if you think about Jeff's son or anyone else for that matter, you freakin home wrecker. However, I am not really worried about this outcome. It is the same everytime. So, have your fun for the time being, but I hope in the back of your mind you never forget, he will always care for me in a way that he will never for you. I will ALWAYS be apart of his life and being with him means dealing with me, and he cheats on you every time with yours truely... me (oh, that reminds me, back in August when you were at the beach, he was sleeping with me). In the end, I will be the one standing beside Jeff. He will get tired of your crap and will eventually get rid of you for good. And if having one last romp with you is what he needs to set you free, so be it. He was so happy when you were not around to fuck with his mind.
That is the thing I can't stand about you. You are the type of person who gives single moms a bad name. You have no education, no degree, a crappy job at Pharma Care, and the only way you can support yourself and your son is to live off mommy and step daddy. Its so sad bc your life seem so bleak. You are a leach. And kind of thick around the tummy area, butt and well everywhere else. Opps, did I say that. My bad. I ment to say, your fat!
Well, I feel better, how about you??? I am so glad I got that off my chest. So, rock on bitch bc you have nothing on me.
Yours Truely,
Lisa
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Hebrews 10:36
Current mood: optimistic
Category: Religion and Philosophy
"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."
Monday, November 05, 2007
Galatians 6:9
Current mood: sad
Category: Religion and Philosophy
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
I try to live my life according to this scripture. If we hurt people, talk behind their backs, lie and cheat, we will never be happy with ourselves or with others. How will anyone show us true love and kindness if we do not show them the same?
I am convinced that if I do what I feel is right in my life, take care of my son, take care of myself (I really need to work on that one), and show love even when it hurts, I will be rewarded when God feels it is time. If I show love, I will eventually get love in return.
I pray everyday to be loved, to have a family, and a yellow house with blue shutters. My dream is not to be a famous movie star, a millionaire or anything like that. I just want to have someone sitting beside me on the cough on Saturday night watching a movie with Charlie in his lil' swing.
My time will come. Thank the Lord that we have a forgiving God. Because of that all my past mistakes have been erased from his mind and he loves me like no other. He will not allow me to be sad forever. In the mean time, I will hold fast to my faith and have well.... HOPE of corse :>)
Friday, November 02, 2007
Dear God
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Jeff asked me not to leave him. He asked me to be patient and give him time to figure out what he wants. How do I do that? How do I sit back with all of the feelings that I have for him and let him hold and kiss and be with someone else? How do I get up everyday and not want to run my car into a tree when I think about the fact he was with her last night. I want so bad to be happy. I want to be loved and held and supported on a daily bases. I am deserving of that. So, why do I not do whatever it takes to get that? Why am I not the one he wants? Will there ever be someone who wants me without a shadow of a doubt?
Please God, please guide my heart. Please help me to find happiness. Please stop me from wanting to die. Help me to want to live. Let me be happy.
Friday, October 12, 2007
As a mother...
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Blogging
Isn't it ironic that I busted my ass all through college, got a couple degrees, have a pretty decent job for this area, but am more broke now than I ever was waitressing through college? I am a single mother. I am not married. I don't belong to a two income family, but I still can't get help from the government because I make a few thousand dollars more than the cut off.
Being a mother is much harder than I was never expecting. The worries are endless. Everyday I worry whether Charlie will take his nap or not, how I will pay the childcare, when I can expect Charlie's child support. It's not Jeff's fault. Its the government for taking their good-old time mailing the check. Oh, and can you believe that the government is withholding 191$ of Charlie's support for the assistance when I was off? Can you believe that? They are taking money from a single mother. And damn its not like I want to use the money to get my nails done or a pedicure. Hell, I just want to be able to pay for 4 days worth of daycare. I can't afford 4, so he only goes 3 days. I relie on my step-mother, mother, Jeff, and whomever else can watch Charlie so I can go to work and bring home a paycheck.
Last night I got Charlie's pictures taken at Olan Mills. That turned out to be a distaster, but while I was sitting there a mother carried out her daughter and what seemed to be her halloween costume. I actually got tears in my eyes because I wanted so bad to buy Charlie a costume like Cyrena and Erica were, and get his picture taken as a lil' pumkin or something, but I didn't have the extra 20$ to buy the costume. I should have been happying I had 40$ on my credit card to even get pictures. I am blessed, I know that. I mean, the CC is not maxed but when Charlie is older I will have wonderful pictures of him as a baby. Its important to me.
The worries are endless, I know that. Being a mother is the hardest job ever. I struggle to make the best decisions for Charlie and myself. I want so bad to be happy and I want so bad for things with Jeff and I to be better. I care very deeply for him and I want so bad for the feeling to be reciprocated. Life is hard at times and I just want to know I can count on someone to always have my back.
I have confidence that I will get through this. God has come through for me so many times before. So, I will get off my soap box for now and get some work done.
Love,
HOPE
Friday, September 21, 2007
Goose Bumps
Current mood: scared
Category: Blogging
I heard a song this morning and it truely gave me goose bumps- "Stay- by SugarLand. I know I need to love like I have never been hurt before, but it is so difficult to forget the past and love like that. I am so happy for the time I have with Jeff. But I can not help but to feel like the bottle is going to fall out from underneth me. It is only a matter of time before Mandy comes back in the picture to steal my family away. I have never wanted anything more in my life but to have Jeff and a future with him. I can't destroy what we have right now though. I will for sure if I continue to act insecure and afraid. But how do you love like that? How do you allow yourself to love like you have never been hurt before?
Dear God,
Please give me the strength. Please help me deal with the cards I have been delt and strive to make the right choices as much as I can. Help me to be the best person I can be. Please don't let this all blow up in my face. Please bring Jeff and I closer and continue to build the bridge and repair our relationship. Help him to read my heart, open his up and see how much I love him. Above all, keep me strong and help me to be the best mother and person that I can be.
Amen~
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
I don’t know what else to do :>/
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Life
Where to start....I have thought for days about writing this e-mail to you. I do not know much about you as a person but as a mother, I feel I do to some extent. The future is going to be whatever it will be but I just want you to know how much I truely love Jeff. We have a history and a child, as you know, but my feeling have only deepened with the time apart not lessened. I am so completely in love with him and want more then anything to have a future with him. This is not only bc of Charlie, but bc I can not see my life without him in it. He is my everything and I want him.
I am writing to tell you this as women to women. If you don't want to be with Jeff, if you don't see a future with him, please...please back away and respect that I want it all. The entire package with him and will do what it takes to make things better between us. Perhaps this makes me appear pathetic or insecure, but honetly Mandy, I am in so many ways bc you had everything that I had to live without for so many months. I say this with tears in my eyes bc its all so true. Its not your fault by any means, it's just what it was.
We have been getting along recently not only bc of Charlie but bc we are treating each other with respect and love. I am so happy but so afraid you will walk back in and it will be all over again between us. I just want a fair chance to make it work. I know he loves you. I except that. I respect you too bc you obviously are a good girl if he loved you so. I was only ever hurt that it was back and forth for so many months between you and him and him and me. But I waited bc I didnt know what else to do. I tired to move on, but I can't. I know I am rambling, but basically, you can love someone but realize that it's not enough to make it last forever. I think that is how you feel deep down. You love Jeff but he is not your "Everything". HE IS TO ME. You both can have that love for one another, but let me have his future.
I realize this e-mail can go 2 ways, you can say, "its on now" and go after him to win him back bc you don't want us together. Or you can put yourself in my shoes and respect what I am saying.
Mandy, we walk the same shoes.
And I am sorry for the DJ situation. That was disrepectful and mean. But it seems that your heart is else where to- with DJ and probably always will be too. This is the same as me with Jeff. So with that being said,
Just think about me and if he really truely is what you want, if you go back after him. If you cant see marrying him, just walk away. I want the ring, the life, the house and everything else. Especially his heart.
I am sorry, honest. I just don't know what else to do.
Thank you for listening and hearing me out.
Lisa
Friday, September 14, 2007
With love, Lisa (HOPE)
Current mood: grateful
As I predicted, Mandy and Jeff are broken up. She broke up with him like she always does. Stupid girl. She is too young and not ready for the type of relationship that Jeff wants. I know where she is in her life bc I was there once too. Actually, up until September of 06, I was wanting my cake and to eat it to, just like her. However, having a child changed me- unlike her.
I have grown so much over the past year. I truely feel like a different person then I have ever before. I now know what I want in my life and am ready for it. I want a family, a committed, healthy relationship and a man that I can count on and take care of like no other. I want all though things with Jeff.
I almost wrote Mandy an e-mail to ask her to stay away and give Jeff and I a chance to make things work. But then I realized that Mandy is not the problem. Jeff has to make the choice to not take her back in a few weeks when she wants him. He has to choose me and there is nothing I can do but he the best person that I can be to Jeff and Charlie. So, with that being said, I am going to really try to make things work with Jeff. I love him so much. I have tried for over a year to move on. I have dated other guys, but I always go back to Jeff. I want him to once again want me like he used to. I want him to want to be clingy like before. I want him to hold my hand and be able to tell me he loves me like he used to.
Its funny, as drunk as I was at the concert 2 months ago, I still notice Jeff holding Mandy's hand when they walked by. I remember it being a blurr bc I didnt see them coming, but she walked by like she was something to fuse over. Luckly, I was too drunk to care and really feel like she doesn't hold a candle to me. However, it isn't about which one of us is prettier or has the better body or whose sex he prefers. Its about who he sees a future with and who he loves.
People say, "how can you want to be with someone who treated you so poorly?" Well, I caused much of the mess with my lies and cheating. If I change my behavior and be a better girlfriend and stay consious of his feelings maybe we will have a chance to make a lasting relationship. I want to be with him more then anything in my life. I have never had it all handed back to me before. I have never knew how it felt to be lied and cheated on. I have never felt the pain that comes with finding out that the person you love is sleeping with someone else and ultimately wants them and not you until this year. I was a selfish person. I only thought about myself.
My only fear now is that if Jeff is forced to choose between Mandy and I , he will choose her. It is so scary but I refuse to sabatash our fresh start. This is our chance and I want it so bad.
Oh God please- Please keep me strong and guide Jeff's heart. Guide my heart as well. Let us mend the bridges we have burned and become a family. Help me stay true and honest and be the best person that I can be.
With love,
Lisa (HOPE)
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Humbled
Current mood: determined
Category: Blogging
It has been sometime since my last post. I wish I had some exciting news to write about but I guess you can say that my life has been rather slow lately. I go to work, come home, and take care of Charlie. He has been sick with a cold recently. That has made his cough come back worse then normal. The poor thing. I feel for him bc his cough actually scares people who are not used to hearing it. It must be painful for him. He really is the sweetest lil' boy. He doesn't really cry much and is really pleasant most days. I really enjoy dressing him up in hats and glasses and taking funny pictures of him. He doesn't seem to mind much either. I am pretty used to not having a break. My break is work and thats not a break really. But atleast I can check my e-mail and balance my checkbook and be comfortable knowing Charlie is being cared for. His new sitter is great! She keeps Charlie in a low key environment and on a scedule for the most part.
I had a job interview in Winchester VA yesterday for a planning position. I need a fresh start. I actually need so much more then that. I need to become more comfortable and happy in my life reguardless of what season it is. Maybe I should be thanking God that my life is not in termoil (sp) at this point. Maybe I should be happy bc I am so humbled after this experience. Winchester may not be the solution, but I never want my life to be limited. I want so much and I am determined to try like hell to get it.
I do know one thing. The next person to be in a relationship with me is truely a lucky man bc I will be the best gf in the entire world. I never want to treat people the way I have been treated recently. I know now more then ever what I want and I am happy to finally be ready for it.
When I look back at this past year and think, how did I ever get through this?, I realize and thank God I have the people I do in my life. I love you all. And like I said before, the people who know me truely do love me bc they read my heart. I am so blessed to have such great friends!
Friday, August 17, 2007
Then vs. Now
Current mood: optimistic
Category: Blogging
I was driving up from Lavale on Rt. 40 and passed Piney Mountain Rd., the road "we" lived on last year. I got a little sentimental and almost drove up past our old house. I thought for a second how I wish it was last August all over again. It had been a great month for us, possibly one of our bests. I thought about how I wish I could have done things differently and how that could have changed the outcome of the months to follow. But then I remembered that much of what occurred was because we were not really happy. It was all an act. I think the hardest thing to accept is that the person you care for isn't the right person for you after all, that it doesn't matter how hard you try, how much you give in to- ultimately it just isn't going to work. It wont work for Charlie's sake or just because you love each other. I guess you can try forever to put a square peg in a round hole and it will never fit. But I still love him with all my heart and I want him regaurdless. I want to make it work with him. But why??? He doesn't even want me.
I am to the point where I break out in hives every time I have to see or talk to him. Hell, even talk about him. Vanessa said last night, "why do you let this man affect you like this?" I am just so done being hurt and let down by him that I can no longer stand to even think of anything at all to do with him without becoming worked up and about half sick.
However I may feel, I really am trying to get past it all and move on with my life. Being real with myself has allowed me to see that he is not the type of man I want in my life. I want a man who wants to be with me. Who loves me with their entire heart. Honest. I now am only morning the loss of the fantacy. The dream I had for the future we were going to have together. The family and all that made up. Before I screwed everything up, we were great together. It's all about choices and unfortunality, I have made plenty of wrong one that have got me here- alone without the man I love.
Life is so much different for me now, but I am okay, a little bet up from the fall but I will bounce back, I always do. I applied for a job in Winchester Va., down where my sister lives, but honestly, I don't think I will even take it if I am offered the job. I will probably get a lot of shit from everyone but I realized on the way to Va. a few weeks back that moving was only my desperate attempt to run away from my life. But after talking to Jeremiah I realized that the problems just follow you. Plus, I have such a great support system here. And I am considering graduate school again this May. I got accepted last year but couldn't go bc of Charlie, but this year life will be different. Maybe I can finally accomplish what I have been striving for for 3 years- my masters in teaching.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Advice to live by
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Life
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street. You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him -- he takes it for granted. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Life after pregnancy
Current mood: content
Category: Life
After 8 full weeks of being off work, the money has run out and I am off to the job again. Oh joy!
Charlie is doing so much better now. He is a happy and healthy. He has started to smile and kicks his legs and moves his arms when he is excited. He still has the cough, but other than that, has recovered from the Whooping Cough. He already enjoys books, especially, I love you Stinky Face and Baby Einstein videos. He still gets up about once a night and yes he is spoiled- he has a place next to his mommy in the bed most nights. There is nothing I enjoy more then being with him and hate that I have to leave him to make a pay check.
Specking of money, ha Jeff is not giving me any and daycare isn't cheap. Neither is medical bills and diapers. I am working on this issue through DSS but in the mean time, I just have to hang in there. I have a girl, Tiffany coming to the house 3 days a week. She is young but seems to be good with Charlie.
I am looking to move to Winchester if something comes up that I enjoy. A fresh start will do me good. Anna said I could stay with her. I have beeen spending sometime down there just to get away.
This town is too small for Jeff and I both. He is back with Mandy and appears to be happy, appears. But somebody with all that anger can't really be that happy can they? He was up my butt for about a month but it didnt last long. I thought I was seeing the true Jeff in June-July, but am realizing the real Jeff is an mean/ self-centered man who needs medication and anger management. Hate me all you want, I have Charlie and that is what really matters to me. I wouldn't even take his money if I could do without. I would let him walk away and count my blessings not to have to deal with him and share Charlie with someone who only wants him to save on the amount of childs support he must pay. Its funny when he calls him his boy. Charlie bearly knows him. Ever since he went back to Mandy he has only seen Charlie 3 times. Its normally on a wim and at his convience. I could go on and on about this topic but prefer to move on.
I am trying to get on with my life. Nothing like some good counseling and medication to get over the hump of having a baby and being a single mom. This is not me crying the blues. Two days ago I watched Charlie smiling and kicking his legs while watching an Enstein video and I thought, "I am so lucky to be wittnessing this!" Jeff may enoy another mans son, but he doesn't get to see his own grow and change and become the most precious boy in the entire world.
I have been so blessed to have Julie and Jeremiah as friends this summer! Jeremiah is Julie's boyfriend and my "Big Brother." I love him! Not like you may think. No we are not sleeping together like many will say. He is just simular to a soul mate on many levels to me. His daughter Breanna is so sweet and I love her just the same. I am so happy to say, they both are my new neighbors and make me consider not leaving the area just so I can be close to them.
As for Julie, well she calls Charlie her boyfriend and I can see why. He loves her! There are few people who I trust as much as her with my lil' boy. We spend about every evening together cooking dinner or getting dinner. I mean hey, they both had to take antibiotics when Charlie got sick and Jeremiah had symptoms! Thats how much time we spend together. I don't want them to ever break up. I would be more sad then even they would be. Well, I don't know, Jeremiah is crazy about Julie! If you knew him, you would understand why there will never be anything between J and I. Old high school sweet hearts who never got over one another. If only Julie would move in with me and Charlie. We have the room and she doesn't have furniture anyways, only a huge TV that would go perfect in my livingroom :>).... Anyways, life is okay most days and when its not I normally call up J&J and say, "whats for dinner?"
Well, its time for lunch. I am meeting Julie at Sandsprings for lunch. She has Charlie today while I work.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Here I Am
Current mood: blah
Category: Blogging
Yes, I am tired of being pregnant and BIG. Three people today said I looked like I was going to bust before 9 am! and one was at McDonalds. It wouldn't be so bad if I had some nice guy in my life telling me how beautiful I looked and glowing or anything. Its rough today being a single mom/pregnant lady. How easy men can just walk out of your life if they don't like the responsibilities or situation. I cant walk away from this. But thats not me anyways. My choices got me here and all I can do is except my life for how it is and keep my head held as high as I can. Today I just feel like, "Is there a decent man out there who would want me and all I come with?" Be honest? I am nearly 26, on May 20th, and a single mom struggling to make it. I am sad today :>) But god will get me through. He will take care of me. He has so far. Its just not the way it should me...but life is never a bed of roses.
I will be okay. I haven't been sad in over a month, so one day of woo is me is okay. I am just tired and wore out. I worked like 13 hrs alone yesterday bc we had a Planning Commission meeting and I have another meeting tonight. My feet are really swollen so I really need to go home and put them up.
Hopefully I will be having this baby soon and then getting back to feeling like my old self again! Not too much longer.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Please say a pray for my lil' boy
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
After having an irregular sonigram come back of the baby 2 weeks ago, they have finally got me in with a Dr. up in Morgantown. I go on Tuesday for further tests to see the extent of the babies swollen ventricles. Monday I go back to the hospital here in Cumberland for further tests due to the toxemia that I am developing. I will be monitored weekly in the hospital from now on to make sure the baby is doing okay. I think he has dropped so it should hopefully be soon. I think that Dr. Khachan has my due date wrong bc my previous Dr. said I was due May 5th not June 5th. That seems to be more in line with how I am doing and feeling. So, if you can, please say a pray for my son that everything turns out to be okay. I have attached a link to a web page that discribes his potential problem. Its scary to think this could cause retardation!
So, please keep us in your prays and I will keep you all updated.
Love,
Lisa and baby (his name is a suprise!)
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Inner Peace :>)
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Blogging
Inner Peace, by Dr. Phil
I am passing this on to you because I hear it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zin, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kaluha, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Venting!
Category: Life
Dear Gosh Damn Paper Folder,
I used to like you a lot. Some would even say I loved you, but not anymore! Today we must break up! You suck and so do all these damn surveys my Notzi boss is making me stuff. Go to hell and leave me alone. I have better things to do then mess around with you, like rack the gosh damn rocks out of the yard! I almost gave birth in the yard last night doing it. You suck and I don't like you anymore.
Lisa-
Monday, April 02, 2007
Spring is here!!!
Current mood: excited
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Shhhhh, I am so glad that it is April and the last 2 months of my life are over. February and March were so shitty. I am glad to put the past in the past and can say I lived through the "DOG" days of winter. Cheers to Spring and all the excitement to come! I start my child birth classes this week and my baby shower is next weekend! I have so many people coming from hours and hours away that I haven't seen in forever. Its so exciting to see everyone! My best friend Audra is driving all the way from TN.- a 9 hour drive to spend the weekend with me. Amanda- 3.5 hours, Karina 3.5 hours, Becky and Heather- 3 hours, Aimee- 2 hours!!! It just goes to show how many people I have who love and support me.
Cheers to a happy and exciting season.
Before I was a mom
Current mood: chipper
Category: Blogging
Before I was a Mom
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
My elephant foot
Current mood: sore
Category: Life
Its not toxemia- its celulities. I guess when the nail went into my knee, it caused me to get an infection that spread down my leg. My foot looked like an elephants foot! I spent the entire day yesterday at 3 different doctors. But the baby is okay. So, I am on bed rest now. Fun fun! As if I have the leave time to use now when I am due in 2 months. This is pay back for doing too much over the weekend. I have a few more things to do at the house before I am through, but for the most part things are coming together. I think I am going to like it at the apartment. Its a new start with all new memories to make. Its kind of a fresh start and a door closing to the last year of my life. I am embracing the change and ready to start a new chapter in my life.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Cankles?
Current mood: crazy
Category: Life
Oh my gosh, I think I have toxemea! I am swelling up like a blimp! My ankles are like cankles. My feet are like hooves and my legs are "manly." I'm bringing sexy back, yea!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
No Pain No Game?
Current mood: sore
Category: Blogging
"What is an eight month pregnant women doing onto of a computer desk taking curtains down???" Beat me. I think she is hard headed and a lil' bit nieve to the fact she isn't as skinny as she once was.
Ha, my baby is pretty damn strong, too bad my knees aren't. I am now hobbling around on cruches with a sprain knee. Nothing is more pathetic and funny as a pregnant women on cruches. I can't take this pain, how am I ever going to give birth?
I spent all day Monday watching the baby channel at moms, watching the many women give birth. The whole labor thing is pretty gross. I hope my coach doesn't fall over and pass out! I have plenty of back ups though.
Oh, what fun times a head!
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
My blessing from God
Current mood: contemplative
Last night I layed in bed and could watch my belly moving all around. It's finally to the point that you can tell its a foot or arm. When I feel my tummy in that certain spot, its a hard lump, like I am touching him. I am getting more and more excited for the day I get to see my lil' man. I wonder what color his hair will be? Will be look like me? Will he be anything like me?
My life has taken on a different meaning. Grad school was my focus for many years. It still is important to me, but my baby- making it for him is now what is my focus. My life means so much more now bc I have someone who is going to rely on me for everything and to do right by him. I will be my babies everything. I want him to look at me and see a 8 foot tall women who can do anything. I don't want him to look at me as someone who is weak, defeated, and depressed. I want him to learn to treat people honest and fair. To always tell the truth and treat everyone with respect. I want him to be well mannered. To respect his elders and feel like he can do anything he sets his mind to.
My life is changing and I am ready to embrace it. Perhaps Jehovah put this baby in my life to truely give me meaning to life. He blessed me with a gift- a son. Everything else just isn't that important.
Friday, March 16, 2007
What goes around, comes around....
Category: Life
Last night as I was walking out of Walmart, Jeff walked in carrying Mandy's son and walked right by me and acted like I was a stranger. He didn't even acknowledge that I was there. I mean who am I, only the mother of his unborn baby. How can someone who is suppose to be so honorable treat me like that? It hasn't even been 2 weeks since I stayed at his house and he told me that he loved me. All along I am just getting bread crumb. He can't even be honest with me. If he truely wanted to be with her then why not tell me that? Why string me along? He was worried about me telling Mandy bc he felt it was a knife in her back. Well, last night he put a knife in my heart. And the sad thing is he doesn't even care. He never even looked back at me standing there in front of everyone crying bc the father of my baby doesn't even care enough to ask me how his child is. He cares more about himself then anyone else. What a shame that he will miss out on such a joy. Life isn't fair, but ultimantly I will deal with this like I have delt with everyother jerk in my life.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
"Take me as I am"
Current mood: chipper
Category: Life
Mary J Blige - Take Me As I Am Lyrics
[Verse 1:]
She's been down and out
She's been wrote about
She's been talked about, constantly
She's been up and down
She's been pushed around
But they held her down, NYC
She has no regrets
She accepts the past
All these things they
helped make to make she
She's been lost and found
And she's still around
There's a reason for everything
You know I've been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.
[Chorus:]
So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
[Verse 2:]
Now she's older now
Yes, she's wiser now
Can't disguise her now
She don't need
No one tellin her
What to do and say
No one tellin her
Who to be
She's on solid ground
She's been lost and found
Now, she answers to G-O-D
And she's confident
This is not the end
Ask me how I know
Cause she is me.
You know I've been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.
[Chorus:]
So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Lord knows I'm a lucky man"
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life
I have a baby appointment tomarrow. I will probably have to start going every 2 weeks now. I don't have much longer before my lil baby is here. Its been a rough 7 months, but today I woke up with a different frame of mind. I know I have the odds against me, but I feel powerful today, like I am tired of putting up with crap and ready to take charge of my life. I can honestly say that I can look in the mirror at myself and be proud of who I see. I no longer feel guilty for my mistakes. I have done what I can to make things right. I can't take back the past, but I can learn from it. I have and will be a better Lisa for it all. I deserve so much more then what I have been getting. I have a healthy baby son on the way. I have always thought it would be difficult for me to get pregnant. But here I am, 7 months preggo. I have watch 2 of my dear friends go through a miscarriage in the past 7 months and I really have to step back and count my blessings. The stress I have been under consistantly for the past months, you would think my son would not have been able to handle it. After all, he is only about 13 inches long and 2.5 lbs. He is already so much like his mother- strong. I remember the day in the Dr. office when Dr. Benham was looking at the baby on the screen and he made the comment that he was a fighter. That was at only 11 weeks.
My family and friends have been unbelieveable! I don't know how many times I have been crying on the phone to one of them and they actually started to cry too just bc they felt my pain and knew how bad I hurt. Many don't even know whats its like bc they haven't been there, but others know exactly where I am at bc they have walked in these shoes yet made it through. But thats the point, they are making it and so will I! I have felt myself grow so much strong in 7 months. This by far is the hardest thing I have every been through, but I wake up everyday and I do what I need to do to survive and take care of my son. I just don't feel desperate and needy anymore. I feel forgiven and optimistic. Forgivance is power. In the end, you just have to ask yourself, "Did you do everything you could do?" and if the answer is yes- Let go of it and move on. I can live with myself and my choices and thats all the matters.
"Now she's older now
Yes, she's wiser now
Can't disguise her now
She don't need
No one tellin her
What to do and say
No one tellin her
Who to be
She's on solid ground
She's been lost and found
Now, she answers to G-O-D
And she's confident
This is not the end
Ask me how I know
Cause she is me."
I have so much to be happy for and its time I start focusing on that. In one year my sister, Anna, someone who I have always admired- has truely become one of my best and dearest friends. I have regained my friendship with Holly, my Yoders pal and best friend. I can tell her Anything and I have. Andrea, Megan, and Kristin- my Birthing Coach and party planner. You guys have had my back through thick and thin and for you- I am so greatful!
Monday, March 05, 2007
Venting
Current mood: sad
Category: Life
Here I am sitting back waiting for my acceptance letter into the graduate program when I am blind sided into finding out that I have to take another damn test and pass before I can get in! Under normal circumstances the praxis 1 test is a cumulative score, but bc my gpa was borderline I have to pass each section of the test. I have been applying for this program for 3 years now and I was never told I was a special circumstance. Fuck! As if I have the time or money to pay to pass a test right now. I have so much on my plate as it is. You would think someone would finally throw me a freakin bone already! I realize that I wasn't going to beable to go into the program this May, but I was so excited to be getting the acceptance letter in the mail. I was planning on deferring the acceptance until next May (2008). But it was the point of having everything completed and nothing more to worry about. One more test that I am not positive to pass when I take. One more 100$ down the drain. One more let down and disapointment to add to my plate.
When is it all going to end?
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Bottled up Pain
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Blogging
I wish there was a way to bottle up pain and open it up for a lil taste everytime you needed to be reminded of how something felt. Maybe then you would be less likely to make the same mistake over and over again.
Ring Ring....brother
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Life
Well, in my last blog I stated that I would not talk to Jeff or answer his phone calls- well unfortunally when you are being harrassed at 2 am by a blocked number for over an hour, it is hard to not answer the telephone to find out what syco is calling. Atleast I got to the bottom of the prank calls. I honestly didn't believe Jeff would do that. When I called the police I wasn't sure who they would discover was making the calls, but I didn't think it would be Jeff. He claims he had a "brain fart" according to the officer who spoke to him. He made his choice last week and then decided to dig his heals in by posting the blog for my reading pleasure. He had me in a puddle of tears all week sick to my stomach, crying my eyes out over what he had did and then to top it all off- he decided I hadn't had enough. I needed disturbing phone calls in the middle of the night. If he doesn't want to be with me- so be it, but why can't he just leave me alone? What could be possibly have to say to me? What rude comment or hurtful statement do I need to hear? I have to start thinking about this baby and what is best for him and being stressed and sick is not best. If I want to minimize the stress in my life, I need to not talk to Jeff. God give me strength, help me to stay pissed off, and help me to get over him. If for anyone- my son!