my fabulous life....
fabulous is not the word, completely and totally fucked up is more like it. i'm totally screwed for everything. School is fucking school i'm beginning to hate it actually. College fucking sucks especially after 6 years of doing my best and UNF kicking me out didn't help either. I really just want to stop going but that would mean giving in to defeat, which i am not willing to do. And going home to new york would be giving in even more. i really don't know what to do or where to start right now. i'm only posting cuz i can't really talk to anyone about this becuz well apparently no one really wants to listen at the moment. Things with the new guy are really shitty, one: i haven't hung out with him in 2 weeks, two:he never calls and when he does, i'm usually not able to talk and then can't get a fucking hold of him again. and three: he's only 20 and still immature (what guy isn't at any age) and i knew this going into it. I don't know what to do about him and the fact that he says one thing and totally does another. That really pisses me off when anyone does that (so don't say you want to hang out and then don't with me or i'm going to be fucking pissed, thank my brother for that one). He supposedly really wants to hang out with me (or so he says) but it's him that causes us not to hang out. He'll make plans with me too and then just not follow through or even call. And on top of that my mother of all people thinks that by not helping me out what so ever that it will help get me on my feet faster. She totally doesn't seem to understnad the fact that i am doing my best and apparently that's not good enough for her. We will never get along well and i understand that and accept it but it's jsut not really far that everyone else has a mother they can go to and talk to her and who will help them out when they need it. My mother will never give me money, will never really help me out if i need it which i really do right now. my mother and i will not talk since she always says things that jsut put me down and she doesn't seem to think so either. She tells me i'm making the stupidest decision of my life by switching my major to photography and that bothers me more then anything, not to mention that i'm not going home for thanksgiving becuz they have to go on vacation to cape cod this weekend and she is under the impression that i can afford a ticket home for christmas. Now if i can barely afford to buy myself gas to get to work and have no money to feed myself what makes you think i can afford a plane ticket home. My dad is awesome so at least i have one parent to confide in. even though he helps me out secretly unbeknownst to my mother. i don't really know what he thinks of the whole situation. but he has told me not to call her anymore when i'm having a problem so apparently he thinks she's adumb bitch as well. My dad doesn't really understand all that i'm going through but he does his best to help me out no matter what, my mom says he babies me but yeah i may be the baby of all the kids which has its benefits and the drawbacks. If my father didn't help me out and i'd be fucked big time. Money right now is so tight for me and i'm working and doing my best to survive and if it wasn't for mike and heather i don't know where i would be living right now. i don't really feel i have anyone person to talk to cuz well chris has somewhat disapeared off the face of the earth since i told him i was seeing someone else and he was the one perosn i could talk to. That whole thing bothers me too, he doesn'tseem to realize that he drove me away in a sense. I mean he lives not even 5 hours away and doesn't come to see me for 9 months and basically leaves me hanging on where we stand for almost 2 years and then expects me to wait around for him to be ready for a relationship. I'm sorry i love him still but i'm not waiting around for him to make up his mind what he wants. He's a great person and i do love him with all my heart but i can't just be put on the back burner anymore. I thought maybe things would change when i moved down here but no they haven't, it jsut made it worse on me. I'm glad i didn't pick a school that was closer to him cuz then well i don't know what would have happened. i don't even know where to start writing here (typing if you want to be techinical) i've got so much and i'm not going to pour my heart out anymore cuz i don't think anyone reads this anyway and if they do i don't know about it. i'm losing sanity and well to be honest i don't think i had much left after the past 3 years. oh well i'm ready to jsut give up but i can't give in to defeat that's not me. oh well i don't know why i'm writing no one reads this shit anyway!