this is MY life as a covergirl
i'm drinking robitussin, just like lil wayne! and i'm wearing LEGGINGS!
i don't know why i am so delighted with these two facts, but let me have my temporary joy, before i start hacking again like a fucking consumptive french prostitute.
for the last few days of lounging around at home, coughing up phlegm balls, i really have been trying to look as much like an asshole as possible, which means wearing the aforementioned LEGGINGS*, a giant-ass sweatshirt, a SCARF, and a pair of ugg boots. because it is necessary to look like something left in the dumpster behind the cobrasnake, and wearing sweatpants would be so declasse.
anyway, my life is great! i will detail it more later since i have been given a doctor's note to stay home for the next two days. basically all i have been doing for the last two months is eating, sleeping, and working. i stopped going to the gym but am still losing weight, because apparently i do not eat when under a lot of stress? the house is filthy, like something out of dickens or a v.c. andrews novel. hankshiny is in budapest, because that's just how he rolls. my tv only works if you turn it on and off about 3-5 times. i bought this awesome coat that transforms (i.e., it becomes a vest and a motorcycle jacket - guess which one is totally useless to me). my hair is tit-length! kimmie saw me on sunday and was shocked because she hasn't seen me in three months and i have become both skinnier and more hirsute in the meantime!
look, here is a bone - my thoughts on the various tv shows i have been watching.
FLASHFORWARD
i spend a lot of time shouting at the screen when i watch this show, because A) joseph fiennes is not his brother, and i find this disappointing. why, oh why, can't be he JUST BE HOT LIKE HIS FUCKING BROTHER? but no, he has to run around with his close-set giant be-fringed bambi eyes looking just enough like ralph fiennes to be tantalizing, yet not hot enough to justify watching the show. hence the rage. my boyfriend can attest that i spend a lot of time waving a diet coke at the screen, shouting "BUT WHY AREN'T YOU HOT?"
i do like the show for various reasons (slow motion running, courtney b. vance, HAROLD as an asian named DEMETRI, gabrielle union finally having something to do with her life, the random kangaroo that keeps popping up, the EVIL HOBBIT), but it keeps doing things to make me angry, such as hiring leoben from battlestar to head some sad goth stereotype end-of-days S&M club and USING POKER AS A SHORTCUT FOR DRAMATIC TENSION, which i hate (i don't even like the poker parts of casino royale much, and you all know how i feel about daniel craig).
PROJECT RUNWAY
sadly, i just don't care about this show anymore. they ran out of talent, and the final 3 are so boring as to render the finale pointless. i can't even be indignant about irina, because she's not invested in her role as bitch the same way kenley was. i mean, if irina started tearfully interviewing about how she can't help being an annoying bitch, because she was raised on a boat, we might have something. or if she threw a laptop and 3 apples at althea. instead, she just seems like a spoiled brat with a tiny dog.
last season was terrible, don't get me wrong, but at least leanne was really talented and made an absolutely lovely final collection. i already saw the final collections (as did most people) and i am not impressed. who are these fuckers? i don't care!
i can't believe i'm saying this, but they should have kept malvin.
i also watched models of the runway, which was relatively boring except for that absolutely crazy model vanessa, the one with the giant fish lips, and the one with the huge crush on logan.
TOP MODEL
oh man, i am so sad i did not get to recap this. THE RISE OF BLOODY EYEBALL! backwoods laura! the way erin increasingly started looking like an evil leprechaun/octogenarian forest spirit, as her bleached eyebrows grew out! jennifer's PTOSIS and insane laugh! sundai's bizarrely hammy speaking voice and even more bizarre accessorizing sense! the cadaverous mathematician! (seriously, i actually started making a series of pictures of brittany from that episode where they had scarves on their heads - i put all these captions from dune underneath them because she looked EXACTLY like the leader of the bene gesserit. yes, i get a little overexcited whenever i get a chance to make fun of dune. i also had a series of pictures of erin with lord of the rings quotes, all sadly lost now.)
i sort of wish this season will lead to an all plus-size season, and maybe even a season of people who look like, say, frances mcdormand. we all must agree that the show got better this cycle as it continued to remove itself from reality, so who am i to deny a hot trend? also i will not be satisfied until ONE OF US is on the show. i remain angry that none of you have stepped up to the plate and volunteered for a reality show. i mean, really. what are friends for but to go on national television so you can laugh at them and relate embarrassing personal anecdotes in your recaps?
SYTYCD
i hate the functionally retarded mormon. there, i said it. i apologize for calling her functionally retarded, but seriously, i can't think of any other way to describe what is wrong with her, unless it is to compare her to nell, that backwoods woman-child jodie foster played in that movie. i kind of hate her partner also but only because he reminds me of this douchey skateboarder i went to kenya with. also, he is 18 which i am starting to realize is a large handicap if you want to earn my love, because i am old and cranky and the joie de vivre that young people exhibit is becoming increasingly depressing.
i love:
RUSSELL (THE KRUMPER)
ellenore (THOSE LEGS OH MY GOD)
JAKOB (AGAIN, THOSE LEGS OH MY GOD)
LEGACY (did not expect this, hated him at first, but . . . he's kind of awesome. AT EVERYTHING. by everything, i mean pretending to be a caveman, an admiral, and your typical sensitive contemporary dancer)
my tastes are pretty predictable - i tend to like the contemporary dancers and the hip hop dancers the best - the ballroom people just make too many faces. i know that they are taught to do that, but i just hate the faces they make so much. i generally dislike most of the ballroom routines except for the tangos. (oh man, i hate the paso doble so much. do people dance to that, for real?? they operatically prance about to crashing sturm und drang while pretending to be a sea captain? really?) contemporary routines or disco are hit or miss for me, i generally like almost anything called jazz or pop-jazz, enjoy most hip hop, LOVE bollywood, and get really bored by the broadway numbers. i could rant again about how much i hate Tasty Oreo, who has only choreographed one routine i enjoyed, ever.
i am still a little sad about Hot Bald Brother - maybe next season. so much for the tappers, also.
GLEE
i want to like this show a lot more than i actually do. i enjoy most of the singing, love puck, love kurt, love jane lynch (of course), love the "creepy ginger pygmy with bushbaby eyes". but. IT'S SO DEPRESSING. i never watched nip/tuck so am not familiar with the show's creator's other work. i gather it is also depressing. it is basically a show about sad, craven people who are stuck in a tiny shitty town. i do not typically like watching stuff about that, because it hits too close to home. the main character is not particularly interesting, and he is really, really dumb. like, so dumb that it kind of doesn't work, even as humor. also, there is a sassy black girl, and i find that character pretty racist - it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. they give her a lot of the best singing parts, but she has no other character traits besides being . . . sassy and black. just ugh. (i DID download her AMAZING version of "bust your windows", which i highly recommend watching on youtube.)
also i am still mad about the Very Special Wheelchair Dance episode.
COUGAR TOWN
ok, before you all get up on your high horse, give this show a chance. it's actually funny! IT HAS BUSY PHILLIPS! MY BELOVED BUSY PHILLIPS! seriously, i love her so, so much, and i'm so glad she has a steady job again. (she was kim on freaks and geeks, though i think more people know her from dawson's creek.) i am probably the furthest person from a courteney cox fan (in fact, i kind of hate friends), and yet i still enjoy this show. i love all the supporting characters, especially the dumb husbands/ex-husbands. i am SORRY that they named it cougar town, get over your dignity.
i realized that i like busy phillips because she reminds me of my sister, being very good-looking yet totally terrifying. more on that later.
i am a month behind on gossip girl, so please do not tell me about that. i mean, i know most of the major plot points, because the soup informs me every friday . . . but i still like being surprised.
other shows - house (whatever, it's not like that MAJOR PLOT POINT hasn't ALREADY HAPPENED ON THE SHOW, so much for the big confession), the amazing race (i only like the globetrotters, my boyfriend liked the poker girls, but only because he thought the asian one was cute), fringe (WALTER - the reason to watch, unless you really enjoy making fun of pacey), 30 rock (seems to have recovered from last season, although mostly they just give tracy morgan good lines), dollhouse (whatevs, it got cancelled, right? i did love the sierra episode - the biggest problem with the show is that the supporting characters are so much more interesting than echo).
tell me what you are up to, because i have no idea. seriously, i haven't been on here for two months. please comment and say hi, i miss you all so much!
__________________
*i have no excuse for buying leggings, except that i was drunk and i was with people who wear them. who wear them all the time, AS PANTS, or with gladiator sandals. also, american apparel is open at 10 pm because that is when assholes shop. yes, they are the shiny kind.
i don't know why i am so delighted with these two facts, but let me have my temporary joy, before i start hacking again like a fucking consumptive french prostitute.
for the last few days of lounging around at home, coughing up phlegm balls, i really have been trying to look as much like an asshole as possible, which means wearing the aforementioned LEGGINGS*, a giant-ass sweatshirt, a SCARF, and a pair of ugg boots. because it is necessary to look like something left in the dumpster behind the cobrasnake, and wearing sweatpants would be so declasse.
anyway, my life is great! i will detail it more later since i have been given a doctor's note to stay home for the next two days. basically all i have been doing for the last two months is eating, sleeping, and working. i stopped going to the gym but am still losing weight, because apparently i do not eat when under a lot of stress? the house is filthy, like something out of dickens or a v.c. andrews novel. hankshiny is in budapest, because that's just how he rolls. my tv only works if you turn it on and off about 3-5 times. i bought this awesome coat that transforms (i.e., it becomes a vest and a motorcycle jacket - guess which one is totally useless to me). my hair is tit-length! kimmie saw me on sunday and was shocked because she hasn't seen me in three months and i have become both skinnier and more hirsute in the meantime!
look, here is a bone - my thoughts on the various tv shows i have been watching.
FLASHFORWARD
i spend a lot of time shouting at the screen when i watch this show, because A) joseph fiennes is not his brother, and i find this disappointing. why, oh why, can't be he JUST BE HOT LIKE HIS FUCKING BROTHER? but no, he has to run around with his close-set giant be-fringed bambi eyes looking just enough like ralph fiennes to be tantalizing, yet not hot enough to justify watching the show. hence the rage. my boyfriend can attest that i spend a lot of time waving a diet coke at the screen, shouting "BUT WHY AREN'T YOU HOT?"
i do like the show for various reasons (slow motion running, courtney b. vance, HAROLD as an asian named DEMETRI, gabrielle union finally having something to do with her life, the random kangaroo that keeps popping up, the EVIL HOBBIT), but it keeps doing things to make me angry, such as hiring leoben from battlestar to head some sad goth stereotype end-of-days S&M club and USING POKER AS A SHORTCUT FOR DRAMATIC TENSION, which i hate (i don't even like the poker parts of casino royale much, and you all know how i feel about daniel craig).
PROJECT RUNWAY
sadly, i just don't care about this show anymore. they ran out of talent, and the final 3 are so boring as to render the finale pointless. i can't even be indignant about irina, because she's not invested in her role as bitch the same way kenley was. i mean, if irina started tearfully interviewing about how she can't help being an annoying bitch, because she was raised on a boat, we might have something. or if she threw a laptop and 3 apples at althea. instead, she just seems like a spoiled brat with a tiny dog.
last season was terrible, don't get me wrong, but at least leanne was really talented and made an absolutely lovely final collection. i already saw the final collections (as did most people) and i am not impressed. who are these fuckers? i don't care!
i can't believe i'm saying this, but they should have kept malvin.
i also watched models of the runway, which was relatively boring except for that absolutely crazy model vanessa, the one with the giant fish lips, and the one with the huge crush on logan.
TOP MODEL
oh man, i am so sad i did not get to recap this. THE RISE OF BLOODY EYEBALL! backwoods laura! the way erin increasingly started looking like an evil leprechaun/octogenarian forest spirit, as her bleached eyebrows grew out! jennifer's PTOSIS and insane laugh! sundai's bizarrely hammy speaking voice and even more bizarre accessorizing sense! the cadaverous mathematician! (seriously, i actually started making a series of pictures of brittany from that episode where they had scarves on their heads - i put all these captions from dune underneath them because she looked EXACTLY like the leader of the bene gesserit. yes, i get a little overexcited whenever i get a chance to make fun of dune. i also had a series of pictures of erin with lord of the rings quotes, all sadly lost now.)
i sort of wish this season will lead to an all plus-size season, and maybe even a season of people who look like, say, frances mcdormand. we all must agree that the show got better this cycle as it continued to remove itself from reality, so who am i to deny a hot trend? also i will not be satisfied until ONE OF US is on the show. i remain angry that none of you have stepped up to the plate and volunteered for a reality show. i mean, really. what are friends for but to go on national television so you can laugh at them and relate embarrassing personal anecdotes in your recaps?
SYTYCD
i hate the functionally retarded mormon. there, i said it. i apologize for calling her functionally retarded, but seriously, i can't think of any other way to describe what is wrong with her, unless it is to compare her to nell, that backwoods woman-child jodie foster played in that movie. i kind of hate her partner also but only because he reminds me of this douchey skateboarder i went to kenya with. also, he is 18 which i am starting to realize is a large handicap if you want to earn my love, because i am old and cranky and the joie de vivre that young people exhibit is becoming increasingly depressing.
i love:
RUSSELL (THE KRUMPER)
ellenore (THOSE LEGS OH MY GOD)
JAKOB (AGAIN, THOSE LEGS OH MY GOD)
LEGACY (did not expect this, hated him at first, but . . . he's kind of awesome. AT EVERYTHING. by everything, i mean pretending to be a caveman, an admiral, and your typical sensitive contemporary dancer)
my tastes are pretty predictable - i tend to like the contemporary dancers and the hip hop dancers the best - the ballroom people just make too many faces. i know that they are taught to do that, but i just hate the faces they make so much. i generally dislike most of the ballroom routines except for the tangos. (oh man, i hate the paso doble so much. do people dance to that, for real?? they operatically prance about to crashing sturm und drang while pretending to be a sea captain? really?) contemporary routines or disco are hit or miss for me, i generally like almost anything called jazz or pop-jazz, enjoy most hip hop, LOVE bollywood, and get really bored by the broadway numbers. i could rant again about how much i hate Tasty Oreo, who has only choreographed one routine i enjoyed, ever.
i am still a little sad about Hot Bald Brother - maybe next season. so much for the tappers, also.
GLEE
i want to like this show a lot more than i actually do. i enjoy most of the singing, love puck, love kurt, love jane lynch (of course), love the "creepy ginger pygmy with bushbaby eyes". but. IT'S SO DEPRESSING. i never watched nip/tuck so am not familiar with the show's creator's other work. i gather it is also depressing. it is basically a show about sad, craven people who are stuck in a tiny shitty town. i do not typically like watching stuff about that, because it hits too close to home. the main character is not particularly interesting, and he is really, really dumb. like, so dumb that it kind of doesn't work, even as humor. also, there is a sassy black girl, and i find that character pretty racist - it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. they give her a lot of the best singing parts, but she has no other character traits besides being . . . sassy and black. just ugh. (i DID download her AMAZING version of "bust your windows", which i highly recommend watching on youtube.)
also i am still mad about the Very Special Wheelchair Dance episode.
COUGAR TOWN
ok, before you all get up on your high horse, give this show a chance. it's actually funny! IT HAS BUSY PHILLIPS! MY BELOVED BUSY PHILLIPS! seriously, i love her so, so much, and i'm so glad she has a steady job again. (she was kim on freaks and geeks, though i think more people know her from dawson's creek.) i am probably the furthest person from a courteney cox fan (in fact, i kind of hate friends), and yet i still enjoy this show. i love all the supporting characters, especially the dumb husbands/ex-husbands. i am SORRY that they named it cougar town, get over your dignity.
i realized that i like busy phillips because she reminds me of my sister, being very good-looking yet totally terrifying. more on that later.
i am a month behind on gossip girl, so please do not tell me about that. i mean, i know most of the major plot points, because the soup informs me every friday . . . but i still like being surprised.
other shows - house (whatever, it's not like that MAJOR PLOT POINT hasn't ALREADY HAPPENED ON THE SHOW, so much for the big confession), the amazing race (i only like the globetrotters, my boyfriend liked the poker girls, but only because he thought the asian one was cute), fringe (WALTER - the reason to watch, unless you really enjoy making fun of pacey), 30 rock (seems to have recovered from last season, although mostly they just give tracy morgan good lines), dollhouse (whatevs, it got cancelled, right? i did love the sierra episode - the biggest problem with the show is that the supporting characters are so much more interesting than echo).
tell me what you are up to, because i have no idea. seriously, i haven't been on here for two months. please comment and say hi, i miss you all so much!
__________________
*i have no excuse for buying leggings, except that i was drunk and i was with people who wear them. who wear them all the time, AS PANTS, or with gladiator sandals. also, american apparel is open at 10 pm because that is when assholes shop. yes, they are the shiny kind.