FINALLY
Click to viewEXPLANATION:
ok, i posted about this movie ages ago - it is called the new guy and is an absolutely bizarre specimen of the teen comedy genre. of course i saw this because of tiffany. my new mantra is "if in doubt, blame tiffany." it is tiffany's fault that i just downloaded FUCKING ADAM LAMBERT'S version of "mad world" and "feeling good."* and it is tiffany's fault that i have watched a movie which is about the life of SONGBIRDS IN A SMALL TOWN, and it is tiffany's fault that i own the DIRECTOR'S CUT of the new guy.** if you want a plot synopsis/summation of the reasons it is awesome/awful, read my old post. also, you can see eliza dushku before she started getting all droopy-eyed like a mob enforcer!
the video above is hands-down the best scene in the movie, although it is probably way funnier if you watch the whole thing. as you can, for free!
i have no idea what the fuck is happening on youtube, i remember after i first saw the movie, i would wistfully say "i wish someone would upload the tree arson/phil collins scene to youtube, but no one besides me, tiffany and hankshiny have ever seen it." and now there are TONS of new guy clips on there, as well as the whole movie, and also fan reenactments??? WTF WTF WTF
here is more for your enjoyment. i really do have to emphasize that it would be better to watch the whole thing before watching any of these videos. just do it instead of masturbating or alphabetizing your dvds or whatever. it will be time well spent.
*i never thought i would watch american idol AND LIKE IT. FUCK YOU TIFFANY!!!! the worse part is that now i am EMOTIONALLY INVESTED in it because i hate danny gokey and his horrible faux-robert-downey-jr. smirk and his eight billion pairs of glasses. also, it does not matter which one wins, a gay man is winning either way. AMERICA, YOU CANNOT BE SO STUPID AS TO BELIEVE THAT DANNY GOKEY IS STRAIGHT. ALSO, HE PROBABLY KILLED HIS WIFE.
**also tiffany's fault: my growing obsession with vincent d'onofrio on law & order: criminal intent - HE HAS SUPERPOWERS SUCH AS HIS UNNATURALLY KEEN SENSE OF SMELL. and the thing she said recently about ralph fiennes' aging process: "it's like his face decided it wanted to be christopher eccleston but didn't quite get there." and the time we went to an outlet mall and were there for literally 10 hours wandering through the gap and betsey johnson like parched desert sheiks.
i watched a movie called the new guy with tiffany. words . . . words fail me. it stars the skinny kid from road trip who lost his virginity to a big black woman , and also eliza (elisha?) dushku, aka missy from bring it on. also it has zooey deschanel (the big sister in almost famous and trillian in hitchhiker's guide). and there are guest spots from henry rollins, tommy lee, and a host of other improbable characters. it is almost a basic teen movie. almost. all i can say is . . . watch it. tiffany saw it during honors week at swarthmore and was unable to sleep the entire night afterwards. then she wrote a paper on it. i hope she sees this and will post excerpts. i can't do justice to the movie, but i'll describe the bare bones of the plot. the skinny dork is always getting beaten up at his school. he has three friends: a fat black kid, a nerdy asian kid, and zooey deschanel. they are in a funk band together. the kid goes to jail for some reason i can't remember and makes friends with a convict who takes him under his wing (this convict also narrates the movie, btw). the convict teaches him many things, like how to knock a person out and scare people with his "crazy eyes" (which is always accompanied by a whip crack sound, and this effect is way funnier than it should be). anyway, he decides to get expelled so he can go to a new school and become the "new guy." after that, the plot dutifully shows him becoming super cool at the new place, abandoning his old friends and getting it on with "missy," but then discovering the errors of his ways and being friends with everyone, cool and not, at the homecoming dance. but this summary cannot describe the movie. the movie contains the following things:
- a midget who plays the tuba
- the school mascot, who is a scottish man
- the hero inspiring the football team to win by dressing up as mel gibson from braveheart and stealing the football coach's horse (i know. i don't know why he has a horse).
- an amazing soundtrack, generally, esp. at the part where the hero is talking to the hot cheerleaders and then throws his lighter behind him, where is sets a statue on fire while phil collins "in the air tonight" plays. BEST USE OF A SONG EVER.
- i almost forgot that lyle lovett is the kid's father, and at one point the kid accidentally burns lyle's eye out.
- a penis getting broken ("at right angles") by a 80 year old woman
- funk music. lots of funk music.
- did i mention henry rollins is the warden at the prison, and at one point he stands in front of a black flag? just had to mention that.
- gene simmons is in the movie as a preacher
- tony hawk also guest stars. why?
- kool moe dee and jermaine dupri make appearances at the prison.
- vanilla ice also beats someone up
- david hasselhoff. he needs no explanation.