it's that time again
you know, i just don't use the words "ho", "ghetto", or "weave" often enough.
i always think i'm going to stop recapping this show at some point, because there is nothing left to say, but . . . i am weak.
i decided that instead of doing a preview post, i'd combine it with the first recap. so you'll get first impressions and . . . after impressions. i am usually wrong about which girls have it and which don't - this cycle is no exception!
sure, this episode was ridiculous, what with the vegas setting, the beefy men in gladiator outfits*, and tyra proclaiming herself "the goddess of fierce." sure you are, tyra. also, much as i hate the pocahontas headband trend, don't wrap a gold braid around your own head and then reprimand a model for doing the same. she just wanted a little of that fierce!
anyway, nothing will ever be as horrible as the premiere of the last cycle, with the bargain basement cgi. i full accept that nothing about top model is "real", but asking the girls to pretend that tyra and the jays just poof! and disappeared before their eyes is a little much. and i would much rather see girls in grecian clothing than silver jumpsuits. despite tyra's love of vagina armpits, camel toe is not what we should be aiming for.
i know y'all probably hated angelea for being a jaslene clone and a "ghetto-ass, ghettofied, no-class bitch" (in her own words, people), but i am kind of sad she didn't end up on the show with sandra. i must say, it's the first time i've ever heard anyone say "she trying to pull my buttons!" or insult someone's ugly ass corns. and angelea's unique interpretation of "talk to the hand" (meaning "talk to my giant ninja hand with terrifying 3 inch blinged-up claws"). i would have preferred "i am desperate to get out of buffalo**, therefore i slept in the port authority bus terminal restroom, and also i had a baby who died in my arms" than "i have epilepsy and this show is hoping strobe lights will set me off, but otherwise i am really boring". this show is tryin' to try me!
i am also slightly sad about the demise of conspiracy theory girl, even though she was about as unattractive as kathy (from waaaaayyyy back, the one with giant ears who crushed grapes with her feet) and in fact bears a strong resemblance to a (male) coworker of my boyfriend's who once stopped going to work because he believed the world was about to end.
am not sad about Pen Girl. what do you bet she also has a lisa frank collection? and dots her i's with little hearts?***
at some point, tyra is just going to come out of our screens, point at us, and say "YOU can be america's next top model!" because there is such a huge market for models who are short and neither tiny nor plus size, and also ones who are not photogenic. pretty soon tiffany and i will be on the show and then the apocalypse will happen, because the world is not ready for that jelly.
the girls are sort of ranked in order of how much i liked them, but not really, because i am lazy.
ok, first off, i really hated this photo shoot. i mean, how lame to promote innocence by dressing women up in porno catholic schoolgirl outfits that aren't even flattering (note: not everyone can wear a giant bow on their head, much as i wish this was the case). not that top model is known for subtlety.
ALLISON
first impression - OH MY GOD.
. . . she's my favorite. but you probably already knew that. i mean, she looks like a pullip, only not cute. also is obsessed with blood, and is the inheritor of the creepy twin mantle from michelle and amanda. there is no way she is going to win, but i hope she goes far.
FO
first impression - cute, but STOP WEARING THOSE GODDAMN TINY VESTS unless you are a mime or are experiencing actual hard times, meaning that you have stolen a marionette's clothing (oops, i mean "repurposed").
she was so much cuter than i was expecting, and she really looks disturbingly like trademybike. for serious! i hope she wins, already. i never really thought about freckles before this.
i wonder what horrible thing they'll do to her hair tonight.
AMINAT
first impression - gorgeous, but is danielle 2.0. do we need danielle 2.0?
not so into the picture, but i love this girl's look. so hot and so tall! i'm sure they'll ruin her hair in the makeovers tonight.
the silent t on the end of her name is perplexing. why?
LONDON
first impression - oh, that outfit! the outfit distracts so much that i couldn't tell you what she looks like.
i want to see just how jesus-freaky london really is. i hope she makes all the girls cry and hold hands for a prayer meeting.
NATALIE
first impression - cute, but weird face. maybe because she has the smallest features all squished together in the middle?
she actually looks a lot like camille belle. do we need another camille belle?
JESSICA
first impression - hot, yet empty.
hot, yet empty.
seriously, she's extremely pretty, which will help her AFTER the show, but not during, unless she becomes more interesting/figures out how to pose.
CELIA
first impression - SHE LOOKS LIKE WINSTON. AND LIKE A HILLBILLY WHO WILL KILL YOU WITH A PICKAXE. and also like a man, but that's just par for the course.
she has new doctor who brow ridge!!
i actually like celia as a person? she seems entertaining but not a total bitch. we shall see. also, she looked pretty hot on the runway with all the eye makeup - i think she needs eye definition so she doesn't look albino. i do not like this picture of her, at least not in the face, but the judges did.
NIJAH
first impression - those are some perky boobs.
this picture really scares me. it's the manic grin and the pigtails. other than this picture, i have no memory of nijah or anything she said or did, which can't be a good thing.
KORTNIE
first impression - 1) hot. 2) has a rack. 3) SPELLS NAME THE FLORIDA WAY.
i was really sad, she's a lot less hot on the show, and has a disturbing orange complexion. also dated dale earnhardt jr., which i guess explains the rack, the tan, and the name? or maybe it's the other way around.
TEYONA
first impression - whoa fivehead! whoa alien face! tyra will love this one.
i guess having "wind tunnel face" is a good thing? at least potentially striking? i had no memories of teyona either, until i saw her face and remembered the quip about wind tunnels. oy.
ISABELLA
first impression - pretty but unremarkable.
impression after watching the show - pretty but unremarkable.
also OMG THIS PICTURE. i . . . have no words. it is seriously so bad. it's kind of tragic that this was her best shot. sure, the megg bearded lady photo and the lluvy fish photo are pretty terrible, but neither of them looked like a little person in their shots.
TAHLIA
first impressions - she looks like a mom from a 90s-era-sitcom, and also like every lane bryant model ever.
mixed feelings about tahlia herself - she's surprisingly articulate for someone on this show but i do not understand how you could be familiar with top model and still audition without understanding that you are the "freak percentage girl-with-a-thing" and that they are going to exploit the hell out of that and make you feel uncomfortable. come on, of course they're going to put you in a tent! except when they make you wear a tiny bikini and writhe around.
her size makes it even more clear that she's only here because of her burn scars. she is probably a size 6-8, there is nothing plus size about her but she's also not small. tyra has been downsizing the meaning of plus size recently, but this is still ridiculous. she's cute, she looks a little like vanessa williams, but mostly she looks like a soccer mom.
SANDRA
first impression - hot and modelesque.
we were all so fooled by this one! i thought she'd be super hot and amazing, but i should have remembered that the girls typically are the opposite of what you expect from the promo pics. also, she was a stealth bitch. a stealth bitch who thinks that stopping halfway on the runway and doing a bizarre twitchy half-kick is a-ok. seriously, what was that? models: problems with perspective AND object permanence. and i am sad about her awful flattop hair and her FUCKING GIANT SCARF.
i think i fuck myself over every cycle by hoping that the bitch turns out to be as awesome as jade, but i'm guessing that won't happen this time.
__________________________________________________________
*ok, i will admit i think dudes in gladiator outfits are kind of hot, with the exception of russell crowe. but i was sadly disappointed by the selection we saw on screen. boo hiss at this wasted opportunity!
**is buffalo really that bad? i know it's fucking cold, but is it really so terrible otherwise?
***this show is starting to make me feel really old and grumpy, like bea arthur, carrie fisher or oscar the grouch. in modeling terms, i am probably a dinosaur, so . . .
let me know what you think, and predicted makeover disasters.
i actually didn't watch this last wednesday night, but was online, and like six different people messaged me talking about the show. i guess i'm a girl with a "thing" too.
oh, also: i'm still up for consideration in saucydwellings - it would be awesome if you guys voted for me! link here, i will not win but i'd love to be in the top 3, because i am apparently way lamer than i thought and susceptible to internet popularity contests. sigh.
i always think i'm going to stop recapping this show at some point, because there is nothing left to say, but . . . i am weak.
i decided that instead of doing a preview post, i'd combine it with the first recap. so you'll get first impressions and . . . after impressions. i am usually wrong about which girls have it and which don't - this cycle is no exception!
sure, this episode was ridiculous, what with the vegas setting, the beefy men in gladiator outfits*, and tyra proclaiming herself "the goddess of fierce." sure you are, tyra. also, much as i hate the pocahontas headband trend, don't wrap a gold braid around your own head and then reprimand a model for doing the same. she just wanted a little of that fierce!
anyway, nothing will ever be as horrible as the premiere of the last cycle, with the bargain basement cgi. i full accept that nothing about top model is "real", but asking the girls to pretend that tyra and the jays just poof! and disappeared before their eyes is a little much. and i would much rather see girls in grecian clothing than silver jumpsuits. despite tyra's love of vagina armpits, camel toe is not what we should be aiming for.
i know y'all probably hated angelea for being a jaslene clone and a "ghetto-ass, ghettofied, no-class bitch" (in her own words, people), but i am kind of sad she didn't end up on the show with sandra. i must say, it's the first time i've ever heard anyone say "she trying to pull my buttons!" or insult someone's ugly ass corns. and angelea's unique interpretation of "talk to the hand" (meaning "talk to my giant ninja hand with terrifying 3 inch blinged-up claws"). i would have preferred "i am desperate to get out of buffalo**, therefore i slept in the port authority bus terminal restroom, and also i had a baby who died in my arms" than "i have epilepsy and this show is hoping strobe lights will set me off, but otherwise i am really boring". this show is tryin' to try me!
i am also slightly sad about the demise of conspiracy theory girl, even though she was about as unattractive as kathy (from waaaaayyyy back, the one with giant ears who crushed grapes with her feet) and in fact bears a strong resemblance to a (male) coworker of my boyfriend's who once stopped going to work because he believed the world was about to end.
am not sad about Pen Girl. what do you bet she also has a lisa frank collection? and dots her i's with little hearts?***
at some point, tyra is just going to come out of our screens, point at us, and say "YOU can be america's next top model!" because there is such a huge market for models who are short and neither tiny nor plus size, and also ones who are not photogenic. pretty soon tiffany and i will be on the show and then the apocalypse will happen, because the world is not ready for that jelly.
the girls are sort of ranked in order of how much i liked them, but not really, because i am lazy.
ok, first off, i really hated this photo shoot. i mean, how lame to promote innocence by dressing women up in porno catholic schoolgirl outfits that aren't even flattering (note: not everyone can wear a giant bow on their head, much as i wish this was the case). not that top model is known for subtlety.
ALLISON
first impression - OH MY GOD.
. . . she's my favorite. but you probably already knew that. i mean, she looks like a pullip, only not cute. also is obsessed with blood, and is the inheritor of the creepy twin mantle from michelle and amanda. there is no way she is going to win, but i hope she goes far.
FO
first impression - cute, but STOP WEARING THOSE GODDAMN TINY VESTS unless you are a mime or are experiencing actual hard times, meaning that you have stolen a marionette's clothing (oops, i mean "repurposed").
she was so much cuter than i was expecting, and she really looks disturbingly like trademybike. for serious! i hope she wins, already. i never really thought about freckles before this.
i wonder what horrible thing they'll do to her hair tonight.
AMINAT
first impression - gorgeous, but is danielle 2.0. do we need danielle 2.0?
not so into the picture, but i love this girl's look. so hot and so tall! i'm sure they'll ruin her hair in the makeovers tonight.
the silent t on the end of her name is perplexing. why?
LONDON
first impression - oh, that outfit! the outfit distracts so much that i couldn't tell you what she looks like.
i want to see just how jesus-freaky london really is. i hope she makes all the girls cry and hold hands for a prayer meeting.
NATALIE
first impression - cute, but weird face. maybe because she has the smallest features all squished together in the middle?
she actually looks a lot like camille belle. do we need another camille belle?
JESSICA
first impression - hot, yet empty.
hot, yet empty.
seriously, she's extremely pretty, which will help her AFTER the show, but not during, unless she becomes more interesting/figures out how to pose.
CELIA
first impression - SHE LOOKS LIKE WINSTON. AND LIKE A HILLBILLY WHO WILL KILL YOU WITH A PICKAXE. and also like a man, but that's just par for the course.
she has new doctor who brow ridge!!
i actually like celia as a person? she seems entertaining but not a total bitch. we shall see. also, she looked pretty hot on the runway with all the eye makeup - i think she needs eye definition so she doesn't look albino. i do not like this picture of her, at least not in the face, but the judges did.
NIJAH
first impression - those are some perky boobs.
this picture really scares me. it's the manic grin and the pigtails. other than this picture, i have no memory of nijah or anything she said or did, which can't be a good thing.
KORTNIE
first impression - 1) hot. 2) has a rack. 3) SPELLS NAME THE FLORIDA WAY.
i was really sad, she's a lot less hot on the show, and has a disturbing orange complexion. also dated dale earnhardt jr., which i guess explains the rack, the tan, and the name? or maybe it's the other way around.
TEYONA
first impression - whoa fivehead! whoa alien face! tyra will love this one.
i guess having "wind tunnel face" is a good thing? at least potentially striking? i had no memories of teyona either, until i saw her face and remembered the quip about wind tunnels. oy.
ISABELLA
first impression - pretty but unremarkable.
impression after watching the show - pretty but unremarkable.
also OMG THIS PICTURE. i . . . have no words. it is seriously so bad. it's kind of tragic that this was her best shot. sure, the megg bearded lady photo and the lluvy fish photo are pretty terrible, but neither of them looked like a little person in their shots.
TAHLIA
first impressions - she looks like a mom from a 90s-era-sitcom, and also like every lane bryant model ever.
mixed feelings about tahlia herself - she's surprisingly articulate for someone on this show but i do not understand how you could be familiar with top model and still audition without understanding that you are the "freak percentage girl-with-a-thing" and that they are going to exploit the hell out of that and make you feel uncomfortable. come on, of course they're going to put you in a tent! except when they make you wear a tiny bikini and writhe around.
her size makes it even more clear that she's only here because of her burn scars. she is probably a size 6-8, there is nothing plus size about her but she's also not small. tyra has been downsizing the meaning of plus size recently, but this is still ridiculous. she's cute, she looks a little like vanessa williams, but mostly she looks like a soccer mom.
SANDRA
first impression - hot and modelesque.
we were all so fooled by this one! i thought she'd be super hot and amazing, but i should have remembered that the girls typically are the opposite of what you expect from the promo pics. also, she was a stealth bitch. a stealth bitch who thinks that stopping halfway on the runway and doing a bizarre twitchy half-kick is a-ok. seriously, what was that? models: problems with perspective AND object permanence. and i am sad about her awful flattop hair and her FUCKING GIANT SCARF.
i think i fuck myself over every cycle by hoping that the bitch turns out to be as awesome as jade, but i'm guessing that won't happen this time.
__________________________________________________________
*ok, i will admit i think dudes in gladiator outfits are kind of hot, with the exception of russell crowe. but i was sadly disappointed by the selection we saw on screen. boo hiss at this wasted opportunity!
**is buffalo really that bad? i know it's fucking cold, but is it really so terrible otherwise?
***this show is starting to make me feel really old and grumpy, like bea arthur, carrie fisher or oscar the grouch. in modeling terms, i am probably a dinosaur, so . . .
let me know what you think, and predicted makeover disasters.
i actually didn't watch this last wednesday night, but was online, and like six different people messaged me talking about the show. i guess i'm a girl with a "thing" too.
oh, also: i'm still up for consideration in saucydwellings - it would be awesome if you guys voted for me! link here, i will not win but i'd love to be in the top 3, because i am apparently way lamer than i thought and susceptible to internet popularity contests. sigh.