wednesday funk
my god, this episode was painful to watch. i've never SEEN so much crying. not to mention so much backstabbing (delicious, delicious backstabbing) and angry pronouncements. i enjoy a good dose of drama as much as anyone else, but i wish these designers backed it up with more talent. i'm still very regretful over this entire season. i am an anal retentive completist - who won't buy this season on dvd. anyway, it appears that the show may not even appear on lifetime now, so . . .
LEANNE
gorgeous, gorgeous color, gorgeous dress. as with all of these dresses, it would have been better if she'd had more time to work on it, i thought the random swath of cloth in the back looked a little odd and i wish the bodice and skirt were integrated more gracefully.
i understand why kenley is mad and thinks leanne sabotaged her on the runway, but come on. how is LEANNE FROM PORTLAND supposed to sell your ridiculous nipple-height super-camel-toe-crotch pants combined with your equally ridiculous perfunctory hip-hop styling? like, look at leanne. that is the whitest girl that ever lived.
i love how kenley tried to diss leanne by saying "she does pleats and muted colors, that's been done before." that's like saying "she makes a-line skirts and uses polka dots." everything's been done before, girl. i think what she really meant was "ok, i started bitching about the other designers to prove i'm better but i have realized halfway through my pronouncement that leanne is talented and skilled at construction and design and it's hard to diss her based on her actual work."
KORTO
oh korto. it's a really pretty color and i like the silhouette, but it looks like those sad prom dresses they sell in big strip mall discount stores - do any of you know what i'm talking about? those stores for cheap teenager clothes that are several rungs below forever 21? the ones that are even worse than charlotte russe or rave, where everything is made out of polyester?
also, the lace . . . such a bad idea. i have never really liked lace in large quantities and i really, really hate cheap-ass ugly net-lace.
KENLEY
i can see what kenley is going for here, but it's so badly executed. the vegas fabric and the wonky-ass petals at the bottom . . . can you guys see how badly sewn the edging is? and they basically form this really thick band at the model's knees, so the silhouette doesn't go out gracefully. dude, joan collins wouldn't wear this dress. maybe a hard-up vegas showgirl?
ALSO CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW TUGBOATS ARE RELEVANT. SERIOUSLY. maybe she meant you don't learn social graces when growing up on a tugboat? i guess i'm kind of surprised no one threw her off the damn boat in the first place. also, being tough and being defensive are two different things. i kind of think kenley needs to see a therapist or a life couch or something. i felt slightly (slightly) bad for her on the runway when korto was basically implying kenley doesn't deserve to go to bryant park because she's an awful human being. kenley is pretty bad, granted, but she's mostly epically immature and entitled, and i know a lot of people like that. it's not an uncommon problem.
JERELL
definitely the most interesting dress! i wish he'd been able to finish it. i kept wanting to yank it up over the model's boobs. oh man, can we all stop and reminisce over some of jerell's old outfits? like his crazy genius horrible olympic outfit? i did not think jerell would make it this far. nor did i expect to kind of end up loving him? my favorite moment in the whole episode - "YOU CAN TALK WHEN IT'S YOUR TURN. leanne and korto and me at the tents. at. the. TE-ENTS."
oh, tonight will be filled with drama and social ostracism.
what a boring episode! i was sorely disappointed. blah blah blah marjorie isn't normal we already knew that blah blah blah for some reason we're going to say europeans are negative? that's not one i heard before blah blah blah now samantha is going to turn into sarah palin blah blah blah.
also, stupidest challenge yet?
ANALEIGH
i am kind of ready for analeigh to go because i am sick of her everlasting fish face.
CLARK
the witch is gone! so happy! i am also happy about this, because it's so true.
i'm glad we have tyra around to define "mediocre" for us. what would we do without her?
ELINA
i'm also kind of tired of elina's face, which is usually the same in most pictures. i mean, she already has the sort of face that doesn't move much, even when in distress, so there may not be much to work with there. oh well, looks like she might get eliminated tonight, anyway. tyra hates the girls who can't cry on cue!
JOSLYN
joslyn looks like a terrifying disaster all right. she looks like godzilla. the face . . . let's not talk about the face.
it sounds like joslyn's sister has an even squeakier voice, which i did not think was possible.
LAUREN BRIE
yeah, the judges were complaining about the picture, but i think they're just doing it so it doesn't seem like cheese vampire here got by too easily.
MARJORIE
marjorie transmits her nervousness to me through the television. it makes me antsy just to watch her. i can definitely see how american positivity talk could be off-putting and bizarre, if you aren't born into the culture (just listen to the other idiots on this show), but . . . she's been here for 10 years? that does seem like plenty of time to get used to it and learn to fake it. but i get the feeling that many things are hard for marjorie, like leaving the house for milk and adding people on facebook.
MCKEY
i wonder if mckey will win this thing. if she does, maybe she can get packed off to what not to wear, and they will throw away her green belted jerkin thing, giant leather corset belt, horrible high waisted pants, and billowy bright purple tulle blouse.
SAMANTHA
samantha should wear budweiser t-shirts at all times and hold slices of pizza while chanting "USA!" while i agreed with the brunt of her statement about marjorie . . . calm down, mall chick. marjorie's negativity can only work to your advantage!
SHEENA
maybe sheena can make a double appearance with mckey on what not to wear. oh, honey. bandannas? and giant pink babydoll tank tops? on the other hand, sheena's giant hoop earrings and hoochie clothes are only part of what i love about her (others being: extreme flexibility, love of own vag, giant fake boobs, spunkiness).
you know, i really wish tyra would make an antm reunion show, and bring back all the best/craziest contestants regardless of age, talent, and looks. that would be amazing. i am trying to think of the perfect house. so far i have:
1. jade. always, always jade. and her malapropisms.
2. ann. so she can cry some more.
3. tiffany. more mouthing off, more beer on weave.
4. robin. more religious ranting and group prayer circles.
5. shandi. "YOU HAD SEX??!!!" redux.
6. kathleen. so we can explain to her what animals are.
7. amanda. more blindness.
8. bre. psychotic breakdowns.
9. cassandra. sociopath!
10. megg. bongos.
11. dionne. wholahay!
12. elyse. because, she's awesome.
13. lisa. DRUNKEN DIAPER WEARING HOT MESS.
14. bianca. giant vagina mouth and/or beating of that chick from hairspray.
15. danielle and joanie. only as a team.
16. sarah. lesbian experimentation and enormous shoulders.
17. hannah. racism!!!!
18. heather. ahs-pergers.
19. ALSO how could i have forgotten NATASHA
20. AND JAEL GUYS I AM DUMB
hmm. i am totally forgetting some awesome bitches here, but there's too many goddamn seasons. your turn! tell me your perfect reunion season.