All the single ladies
Yesterday I got asked the one question that I dread above all others:
"So, Caroline, have you got any plans to get married?"
There is no good answer to this question. In fact, it is a no win question.
If you answer in the affirmative, you are inviting further questions on when, who and how (my suggested answer: 18 months, the nice young man at Starbucks who flirts with me every morning, and a combination of Rohypnol and benevolent imprisonment).
If you answer in the negative, then you are inviting pity because obviously, being a single woman, fast-approaching 35 and in possesssion of a not-insignificant income I must be in want of a husband.
For the benefit of all the other single ladies out there, I hereby offer the following answers that may be of assistance in shutting down the conversation once such a question is raised:
1. No and if you listen really carefully, you can hear my ovaries withering in frustration.
2. No, but I am planning a civil partnership next summer with a lovely woman called Sybill who I met at a singles night in the local bar.
3. No. After the police failed to find the body of my last fiance, I figured I should stay away from men for a bit until the voices tell me it's time to date again.
4. Yes, but I've told him all about you and he hates you so much he doesn't want an introduction.
5. Yes, but he's spending the month with his other wife and her pet goat, Clarence.
6. Yes. I ordered him from Russia over the internet and he's arriving in the New Year on a sale or return basis.
In other news, I went to the last T-Party meeting of 2009 yesterday and did have a good time. I then spent the evening with uC and mR watching Russell Howard's Good News, which made me laugh so hard that I came close to an asthma attack.
I've finished my Christmas shopping for my dad and sister, which is good. I still have to decide what to get my mum and a couple of friends, which is bad.
I did think that I'd hit on the perfect present for my mum, only to casually raise it in conversation this morning and discover that she would rather have her toe nails pulled out with rusty tweezers than do it.
So I'm re-thinking.
Have I mentioned that I hate Christmas?
"So, Caroline, have you got any plans to get married?"
There is no good answer to this question. In fact, it is a no win question.
If you answer in the affirmative, you are inviting further questions on when, who and how (my suggested answer: 18 months, the nice young man at Starbucks who flirts with me every morning, and a combination of Rohypnol and benevolent imprisonment).
If you answer in the negative, then you are inviting pity because obviously, being a single woman, fast-approaching 35 and in possesssion of a not-insignificant income I must be in want of a husband.
For the benefit of all the other single ladies out there, I hereby offer the following answers that may be of assistance in shutting down the conversation once such a question is raised:
1. No and if you listen really carefully, you can hear my ovaries withering in frustration.
2. No, but I am planning a civil partnership next summer with a lovely woman called Sybill who I met at a singles night in the local bar.
3. No. After the police failed to find the body of my last fiance, I figured I should stay away from men for a bit until the voices tell me it's time to date again.
4. Yes, but I've told him all about you and he hates you so much he doesn't want an introduction.
5. Yes, but he's spending the month with his other wife and her pet goat, Clarence.
6. Yes. I ordered him from Russia over the internet and he's arriving in the New Year on a sale or return basis.
In other news, I went to the last T-Party meeting of 2009 yesterday and did have a good time. I then spent the evening with uC and mR watching Russell Howard's Good News, which made me laugh so hard that I came close to an asthma attack.
I've finished my Christmas shopping for my dad and sister, which is good. I still have to decide what to get my mum and a couple of friends, which is bad.
I did think that I'd hit on the perfect present for my mum, only to casually raise it in conversation this morning and discover that she would rather have her toe nails pulled out with rusty tweezers than do it.
So I'm re-thinking.
Have I mentioned that I hate Christmas?