Shyness needs to die...
Today was fine. I went to bed around midnight, got up at 6:30 to help a woman named Cheryl move some stuff with my mom. There was a shelf that I wanted to sacrifice to the gods in the hopes that I'd never have to handle another like it, and it started to rain, and I'd left my car window open, but everything was fine. Then I came home and piddled about on the computer, watched Freedom Writers, which was very good, and went to the Library. I got a couple more things at the library, including Rain Man, which I'm most of the way through. It's very good. But I fell asleep at the library while reading my book, and now I'm all lethargic and blah. That is why I don't take naps, despite the tired. I close my eyes and think quiet thoughts, but I never fall asleep. My body gets too messed up.
So after that I came home, watching Rain Man. Mom called me to say that while her student's mom didn't want to hire me, she was cool showing me her pet sitting business, and how it works and such. She gave me the number to call, which, of course, gave me a panic attack. If I knew why I had them, then I wouldn't. I absolutely abhor being shy. I want to punch walls and beat everything in sight with how furious I am. Mom ended up calling the lady herself to set up a get together for this week. She'll come along with me and everything. Which is fine, but I feel extremely stupid and all manner of hateful things because I'm old enough to be living on my own, and yet I can't call a person to see how their business works to set up one for myself and finally start making money. I'm just fucking tired of being unable to function because of panic attacks for unknown reasons.
There wasn't really a point to this; I'm fine, I just needed to vent. But I really wish the twelve places I've applied to would call me back at least to say that they aren't interested, instead of making me sit around and write, watch movies, read, and do chores. I hate being in my parents' hair, and being a burden, which is what I feel like I am, despite evidence to the contrary. But I've never had a high opinion of myself, so I'll go wash my face and smile and say that everything is just dandy and hope that I can maybe like myself again. -sigh-
So after that I came home, watching Rain Man. Mom called me to say that while her student's mom didn't want to hire me, she was cool showing me her pet sitting business, and how it works and such. She gave me the number to call, which, of course, gave me a panic attack. If I knew why I had them, then I wouldn't. I absolutely abhor being shy. I want to punch walls and beat everything in sight with how furious I am. Mom ended up calling the lady herself to set up a get together for this week. She'll come along with me and everything. Which is fine, but I feel extremely stupid and all manner of hateful things because I'm old enough to be living on my own, and yet I can't call a person to see how their business works to set up one for myself and finally start making money. I'm just fucking tired of being unable to function because of panic attacks for unknown reasons.
There wasn't really a point to this; I'm fine, I just needed to vent. But I really wish the twelve places I've applied to would call me back at least to say that they aren't interested, instead of making me sit around and write, watch movies, read, and do chores. I hate being in my parents' hair, and being a burden, which is what I feel like I am, despite evidence to the contrary. But I've never had a high opinion of myself, so I'll go wash my face and smile and say that everything is just dandy and hope that I can maybe like myself again. -sigh-