why why why
i am so damn awake! i was about to topple over and die about 2 hours ago. i am so glad that there are only 2 half days left of this bullshit. i have to go to the eye doctor today. i suppose i will have to get another shot. i hate those they really put a damper on my day. because then i have a bulggy eye that hurts like a mother. i shouldnt have come to school today. all we are doing in each class is watching movies and reviews that i really do not need to do. i have to say that i am happy i only have 3 classes because then i only have 3 exams. 5 less than the rest of you! hah! i wonder if this summer will be fun or if it will turn out to suck. you can never tell till you get like 2 weeks into it. i am really planning on getting my licence this summer. so i can cruise around like the rest of you. i stole a huge pack of oreos from my first hour. they were alittle old, but they still filled me up. nicole and i watched the swan last night. it was entertaining. wooo! i do nto really have naythignt o say, but i still want to type so i do nto have to particiapte with the class.
as i sit here reflecting on the year that has just passed, i cant help but think of what could have been, should have been and might have been. little decisions we all made really changed the whole effect the year had on us. people really changed this year, and mostly for the bad. last year things were so different with me. i had a completely different life. i cannot say that i liked it better than the life i have now. but it also was fun. i had different friends a different boyfriend and a whole different scene. i know change is good, but i feel sorry for the people that are trapped in drugs and they still dont know who they are. now i am on the other side. i sit and watch them all crumble and fall apart. i cannot help but feel a little bad that i left them and now i have nothing to do with them. but they have nothing to do with me either, so i guess it is mutual. i have given up a lot of things to be where i am now. and most of them i wouldnt take back. i know i messed up things last year. i think that most of it has been healed or fixed, but just the thought of how sad i was a year ago makes me want to cry. i always told myseld that i was going to be one of those kids that goes through their teens with ease and grace. but i must admit, i failed and fell. it is really hard, and for those of you that have never done drugs or drank... good for you. they are no good. i still have my faulters, but i try to do my best. i have found out that instead of being the good kid i was really fucked up. i hated everyone at one time. i wanted nothing but for people not to care about me and to let me kill myslef by hating myself. i think changing schools so many times might have beena little cause of this. i used to outgoing and talkitive. and if anyone knows me now. i hate nothing more than being around and talking to people i dont know. i would rather be beaten. i guess i have gone through some major changes. o well. i am ok with the person i have become. i love ryan and he is a major part of me. we both have to grow and learn more, but i think we can do this. i can say that i have hope....
as i sit here reflecting on the year that has just passed, i cant help but think of what could have been, should have been and might have been. little decisions we all made really changed the whole effect the year had on us. people really changed this year, and mostly for the bad. last year things were so different with me. i had a completely different life. i cannot say that i liked it better than the life i have now. but it also was fun. i had different friends a different boyfriend and a whole different scene. i know change is good, but i feel sorry for the people that are trapped in drugs and they still dont know who they are. now i am on the other side. i sit and watch them all crumble and fall apart. i cannot help but feel a little bad that i left them and now i have nothing to do with them. but they have nothing to do with me either, so i guess it is mutual. i have given up a lot of things to be where i am now. and most of them i wouldnt take back. i know i messed up things last year. i think that most of it has been healed or fixed, but just the thought of how sad i was a year ago makes me want to cry. i always told myseld that i was going to be one of those kids that goes through their teens with ease and grace. but i must admit, i failed and fell. it is really hard, and for those of you that have never done drugs or drank... good for you. they are no good. i still have my faulters, but i try to do my best. i have found out that instead of being the good kid i was really fucked up. i hated everyone at one time. i wanted nothing but for people not to care about me and to let me kill myslef by hating myself. i think changing schools so many times might have beena little cause of this. i used to outgoing and talkitive. and if anyone knows me now. i hate nothing more than being around and talking to people i dont know. i would rather be beaten. i guess i have gone through some major changes. o well. i am ok with the person i have become. i love ryan and he is a major part of me. we both have to grow and learn more, but i think we can do this. i can say that i have hope....