Is this an identity crisis or what.
Well im not sure whats wrong with me but for the first time in a long time I really really wished I was someone else. Im tired of everything about my self. I wish my hair was different, I wish I could be skinnier and most of all, I wish I had someone in my life. I have being lonely so much. And with the simple fact that I know im dating someone. I always start to feel better about my self. I know I shouldn't wish for things like different hair or a different body because that all sounds so materialistic. But looks wise. It's not really about that. I just want to be someone different. Not even different really. Just different from what I am now. Sometime I wonder if I would just be better off looking like everyone else in the world. Plain and normal. No bight colors or crazy hair or piercing. Just a normal girl. I know my family would like that. But they are part of the main reason why I don't feel like being normal. They do and don't really see past all of my features which at some points just makes me want to be even more flamboyant ha-ha. But my point is I guess....that I just bah. Im not happy with my life. If I look past all the physical attributes to my whole problem, I really think im just dying for a different life style. I guess it's more of a mental problem. All I want is to be happy. Happy with my life. Happy with my school. Happy with my looks. Happy with the friends and that boyfriend I don't have. I really wish things could just all fit into place like that. Other than that school has been pretty shitty. I like my first period drama class and that's about it. I don't really have many friends. I never really do. And I don't want a lot of friends. But it sucks not having a best friend by ur side.
"Life is an ugly, awful place not to have a best friend."
And that is so true. when I first read that I thought it sounded a little childish. But it's not at all. I guess through the time period I am going through right now I best friend is essential. Maybe not later on in life when im married and have kids. But at the moment I seriously feel like its crucial to have a best friend by ur side. Which I don't at all.
Megan...who lives in Cam. doesn't go to my school and I never get to hang out with her. But like every time we hang out every now and then. things just go back to how they always are.
And Hannah who went to school with me last year. But you know what. I Feel like the worst friend ever. Last year I wanted to go to a completely new school. to get new friends and new everything. Which seemed like it would work out good until Hannah showed up at the same school as me. So I sorta singled her out and didn't really hang out at her at all. Which is prolly the meanest thing I have ever done to a friend. I was so scared about what people would think about me and what not that I forgot what was really important. But seriously I wish I could get her to come back to Buena. It would just be me and her. No one else. I don't care if everyone else thinks she is a freak. she is my best friend and if they don't like it tough. I need her and I know she needs me. And it works out that we never have any time for each other and it doesn't make since. every time I see her just around Ventura I swear I can see it in her eyes. She needs someone and im never there. and I hate it. I love her so much. and seriously she is part of who I am. and I just feel really shitty about everything that has gone on with us in the last four years. we both have been through so much and I just really feel for her and I wish things could be different.
ha whoa. well this is a very long entry. but very needed. I never have anyone that I really can talk to anymore who has the time for me. and I have a feeling that as soon as I find a place to hang out by my self. im going to be a serious loner. I don't really care. I don't like really any of the people at my school and yeah. there is no one that i really just want to hang out with so im not going to bother.
kortie<33
"Life is an ugly, awful place not to have a best friend."
And that is so true. when I first read that I thought it sounded a little childish. But it's not at all. I guess through the time period I am going through right now I best friend is essential. Maybe not later on in life when im married and have kids. But at the moment I seriously feel like its crucial to have a best friend by ur side. Which I don't at all.
Megan...who lives in Cam. doesn't go to my school and I never get to hang out with her. But like every time we hang out every now and then. things just go back to how they always are.
And Hannah who went to school with me last year. But you know what. I Feel like the worst friend ever. Last year I wanted to go to a completely new school. to get new friends and new everything. Which seemed like it would work out good until Hannah showed up at the same school as me. So I sorta singled her out and didn't really hang out at her at all. Which is prolly the meanest thing I have ever done to a friend. I was so scared about what people would think about me and what not that I forgot what was really important. But seriously I wish I could get her to come back to Buena. It would just be me and her. No one else. I don't care if everyone else thinks she is a freak. she is my best friend and if they don't like it tough. I need her and I know she needs me. And it works out that we never have any time for each other and it doesn't make since. every time I see her just around Ventura I swear I can see it in her eyes. She needs someone and im never there. and I hate it. I love her so much. and seriously she is part of who I am. and I just feel really shitty about everything that has gone on with us in the last four years. we both have been through so much and I just really feel for her and I wish things could be different.
ha whoa. well this is a very long entry. but very needed. I never have anyone that I really can talk to anymore who has the time for me. and I have a feeling that as soon as I find a place to hang out by my self. im going to be a serious loner. I don't really care. I don't like really any of the people at my school and yeah. there is no one that i really just want to hang out with so im not going to bother.
kortie<33