life's a drag...sometimes
(i wrote this in a notebook on the plane so sorry if it doesnt make sense..real long)
in the past couple of months ive changed alot. and in the last couple weeks ive changde for the better. ive recently inquired about a new job...and pretty much acquired one at the hair cuttery on calumet.. and its not what you think its not like a borics or super cuts. this place is really nice, great pay, guarenteed clients,benefits/some insurance, and i believe paid vacations.and they use redkin products.after my technical on march 10th ill pretty much be working sunday,monday, hopefully also tuesday off wed and thursday then working friday and saturday. but i only would have to work i believe one day a week in the morning everything else is afternoon/nite shifts of about 5 hours. and itd be 27hours or + a week which is fulltime. i also have oppurtunities to move up in the company within weeks. i might also be staying at voltaire for one day a week for the clients i do have. i just was not making enough business and sometimes you gotta realize money is money ,swallow yer pride and know it makes the world go round. i cannot begin to express how excited iam about this. i also have joined THE CHICAGO OUTFIT...Chicago's Derby Little Secret...cute huh? if yer an idiot and dont get it, its a roller derby team. its given me a great outlet for my anger and other issues and gives me something productive to do besides just get fucked up which can be a great change of pace. not to mention the girls on my team are some of the toughest ,badass,loyal broads ive ever met. when i just started they helped me tons, and kept pushing me and wouldnt let me give up. i didnt know people you never met could actually give a shit. thanks ladies. ps- were a fuckin force to be reconed with.
i also recently lost 2 of my bestfriends. me and josh are over. what can i say i love him to death, maybe in the future when i grow up i can prove to him that we can work..but i love you joshua. about the other one...im not gonna name names because im pretty sure she thinks its my fault, but you know who you are. i love and miss you but i was not in the wrong at all this time. but if u ever need me for anything u know how to reach me.
i was really giving up on my life. i wasnt making even a 100$a week. partially my fault , it was too depressing to go in and sit there for hours with no clients and pray for a walk in . i hate my apartment, its overpriced the heating sucks cuz theres drafts everywhere, the floors are horrible, not to mention the building has mice, including mine, i had to spend over a hundred dollars on traps and those electronic traps i havent seen them in a while but still. i have only a handful of friends, half only call when they need drugs or a place to stay or anything else they can take from me. and when i say place to stay i mean party and trash my house, leave it in ruins, break shit, ash on my floors, spill their shit everywhere, drink all my booze, AND FUCKING CHARGE PORN AND OTHER MOVIES TO MY COMCAST. then leave and not say thanks for anything or help me clean and stiff me with the bill and NATE yer going to give me the 20bucks for that shit. so fuck all you losers. the day or so after josh told me he was done, everything kind of hit me...no josh, fuckin mice, hadnt paid my rent or bills that month cuz i was broke and it was already the 17th. i had no money comming in, hadnt eaten in a long time. i was drowning fast. i was regressing at age 22 when i should be progressing. i want a good life. yes ill have to continue to take my depression and anxiety meds, and deal with all my stomach and muscle issues (and yes their all real. i know some people think is bbullshit) but i cant fix that but i can fix other things from going crazy in my life. thats why finally i got the application and did the interview(which went amazing) thanks to a kick in the ass from somebunny , it was good to have that person tell me their proud of me.
im finally getting faith back in myself,my skills, and my life. everythings kinda fitting the way it should. the job will fix my money situation...which will fix the apartment so i can move somewhere else.(ideally with a roommate alexa!!) also extra money will help immensely with derby and just with normal life stuff, grocceries,supplies, etc. Also having a set job, with set hours, and clients will give me the structure i need. i wasnt responsible enough to show up at voltaire.
i really also believe people dont understand or accept how bad things can get.and did get. the last 5months, esp the last 2 ,i had to borrow money constantly from my parents and brothers just to pay rent and other bills. i could barely afford paying just 2 bills. and was turning in change so just cuz that was the only money i had. and if i happened to go to the bar people were always buying me drinks. so no i wasnt just drinking it away. and half the time i was too depressed to even leave my bed let alone my house.
thanks to those who havent given up on me or let me down. or used me for one thing or another. thanks to my family for not only financial support but intense emotional support. joshua, even though things are fucked you never let me believe im the horrible person i think iam. and you still tell me you care which means alot. knowing you makes me want to be a better person. i love you.michelle, for giving me so many amazing oppurtunities and showing me everything you know. you are the most generous UNselfish person ive ever met. youd give me the clothes off yer back if i needed them.(and was a size 0 ha) your my bestfriend. kelly youve taught me to never give up and youve always helped me get thru everything in my crazy life and just hearing you laugh makes everthing better ha. also thanks for the push to join derby i needed it. to my derby girls thanks for not letting me give up, taking me in, and teaching myself to keep pushing. bunny for making me realize i deserve better, and that i need to work hard to change things. and for telling me often how proud you are of me. alexa for always comming to see me, even though its been awhile . your my princess baby girl and keep me believing there are still good people out there. one day well run away together.last but not least my baby boy oskar king of the castle , you give me something to look forward to everyminute of the day. you show me unconditional love and are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
so i think once i get back from AZ, get this job make sum cash money things are gonna get way easier. ive learned no one wants to sit there and listen to you constantly whine about the same shit when yer not doing anything to change it. so im changing it. lifes a drag...true, but if it wasnt the good times wouldnt even be worth it.
you cant always get what you want, but you can sure as hell try.
xoxo