I needed a place to vent...
It's been a really long time since I've let myself get attached to a boy I legitimately liked. I don't usually trust myself to know if a guy is interested or whether it's worth the effort. This weekend I let my guard down. I'd known him for years and I'd liked him for just as long. Nothing had ever come of it and he was in a long term relationship.
He recently became single this summer and I saw him this weekend. I danced with him, I broke my rules, and I kissed him. I let myself get too involved with someone I knew could actually inflict some damage with a simple rejection. I got hurt.
It wasn't his fault. I should have known better and he was perfectly sweet and honest about it. We had an amazing night and I wouldn't change it but I let myself do the very thing I knew I shouldn't. I let my heart get the better of my head. There is a reason I remain cold most of the time. I distance myself from the people I know could actually hurt me. I let in the ones I know can't touch me. I'm strong and I keep my heart in a box that I seldom open.
Now, I've broken the rules and relearned the consequences. The truth is that what I keep in the box is fragile. I've never figured out how to put the pieces back together properly from all of the madness, deception, and heartbreak I've been through. Family, friends, lovers... they have all taken parts and then refused to give them back. I give so much of myself that at times I'm not sure I even have anything left. I need the box and I need it to stay closed.
The truth is I am born to forever fall short. Whether in school or jobs or love, I always fall just short of the happiness others find so easily. I would like to think that it has made me strong but the truth is I'm only colder. I'm only half human. I keep the core of my being in a box so that no one can see me or know me to hurt me.
I just wish the damn thing would stay closed.
He recently became single this summer and I saw him this weekend. I danced with him, I broke my rules, and I kissed him. I let myself get too involved with someone I knew could actually inflict some damage with a simple rejection. I got hurt.
It wasn't his fault. I should have known better and he was perfectly sweet and honest about it. We had an amazing night and I wouldn't change it but I let myself do the very thing I knew I shouldn't. I let my heart get the better of my head. There is a reason I remain cold most of the time. I distance myself from the people I know could actually hurt me. I let in the ones I know can't touch me. I'm strong and I keep my heart in a box that I seldom open.
Now, I've broken the rules and relearned the consequences. The truth is that what I keep in the box is fragile. I've never figured out how to put the pieces back together properly from all of the madness, deception, and heartbreak I've been through. Family, friends, lovers... they have all taken parts and then refused to give them back. I give so much of myself that at times I'm not sure I even have anything left. I need the box and I need it to stay closed.
The truth is I am born to forever fall short. Whether in school or jobs or love, I always fall just short of the happiness others find so easily. I would like to think that it has made me strong but the truth is I'm only colder. I'm only half human. I keep the core of my being in a box so that no one can see me or know me to hurt me.
I just wish the damn thing would stay closed.