Dear Wall Street
From someone on Fark who claims it came from Democratic Underground:
Dear Wall Street,
Hi, this is the lobbyist for a group called The Taxpayers, Debtors, and Insured People of the United States. Now that we've rejected the first bailout plan, I'm sure that in the spirit of tough, free market capitalism, and spirited negotiations, you'll consider our second offer. Here are some terms that I'm SURE you will find reasonable:
1) We are willing to loan you money at a very low, introductory rate of 8.9%. If you are even one nanosecond late on your payment, your rate will go from 8.9% to 32.9% instantly. You will have no right to appeal this. The interest rate increase will be retroactive. None of this "but I mailed it out Friday" nonsense. We must get it, and the check must clear, for your payment to count. A reminder: transactions that occur after 2pm are not credited until the next business day, so be sure to make your payments before then.
2) If you are late on any of your other payments to your other creditors, your rate will also be spiked to 32.9%. I know it has nothing to do with us, but if you are late paying someone else, then OBVIOUSLY you are a bigger credit risk to us.
3) We will send you onerous terms and conditions 148,000,000 pages long in 6 point font. Of course, those terms can change on a whim, at any time, so we'll be sending you hourly updates to the contract, which we expect you to read and keep up with. Sorry, we will be the only ones that can amend the contract; you cannot.
4) You will have a predetermined credit line, and if you go over it by even $1, your interest rate will spike to 54.9%. Sorry, it's in the contract on page 109,209,392.
5) The bankruptcy laws have now changed. If you get into a bind, I'm afraid you won't find much sympathy; no more silly excuses will be accepted. We are going to have the titles to all of your buildings and physical assets put in our name, so when the inevitable time comes and you trip up, we'll simply take everything from you. There will be no court hearing.
6) We'll be conducting a background check, driving records check, drug test, and disease risk check of all of the top executives of your firm. After all, you're a riskier loan if you have any of those afflictions, aren't you? Well, if we find ANYTHING wrong, your interest rate will skyrocket, instantly, and without notice.
7) If your business is located in a "bad neighborhood", or a "poor city", or a "hurricane zone", or "flood plane", or "terrorist targeted city", as defined by us, we can raise your interest rates at any time, to any rate we choose.
For the last quarter century or so, you've imposed these terms, or some variation of them on us, when loaning us money or insuring us... arguing every single time that it's "necessary" and that these sorts of changes "will result in more profitable companies that will pass the savings along to consumers". Well, now that we're in the role of lender, and you're in the role of borrower, we're sure that you'll find these same terms fair.
Wall Street, prove the cynics wrong and accept our new plan. Prove to everyone that you're not the hypocrites that everyone thinks you are.
Best regards,
THE TAXPAYERS, DEBTORS, AND INSURED PEOPLES OF THE USA
Offer not valid in all 50 states. Terms, conditions, and interest rates subject to change at any time without notice. Borrower subject to intrusive credit, background, education, and criminal checks before issuance of loan. Upon any dispute, arbitration will be decided by someone tilted to rule in favor of taxpayers, and not by any indepedant or otherwise objective authority.
To which I'll add the following addenda:
A: 8.9% introductory rate applies only to those with a perfect score from a third party whose scoring system is secret. You may pay the third party for your current score, but looking at your score may cause your score to fall. A higher introductory rate is available for those with lower scores. Note that this interest is to be compounded daily, making the annual rate considerably higher.
B: As we can't risk you falling behind on your taxes, you will pay us your taxes as part of your monthly payments, and we will hold them until they are actually due.
C: Speaking of risk, as your current assets aren't worth much more than you're borrowing, you will be required to insure us against you failing to make your payments. That cost will be included in your payments. If in the future you feel that this has changed, you have the right to pay someone to make an official guess, then pay us change the agreement. Also, you will have to pay to insure us against the possibility that some other creditor might have rights to your earnings that neither you nor we know about. That insurance is a one-time fee.
D: We'd like to directly withdraw those monthly payments from your bank account. There's no real advantage in that for you, we'd just like it. If you say 'no' now, we'll be mailing you that request twice a month for the length of your loan. We will also be mailing you many other exciting offers. Please do not confuse the exciting offers with your monthly bill. We reserve the right to share your loan information with any third party who is willing to pay us for it.
E: We will determine the level of health insurance your executives require. This assessment will be revisited each year. If you fail to purchase enough health insurance, we will purchase insurance to cover our risk at your expense. Each time this minimum level changes, we will send you a reminder letter without the new amount, you must then call us to find out what the new minimum is.
Dear Wall Street,
Hi, this is the lobbyist for a group called The Taxpayers, Debtors, and Insured People of the United States. Now that we've rejected the first bailout plan, I'm sure that in the spirit of tough, free market capitalism, and spirited negotiations, you'll consider our second offer. Here are some terms that I'm SURE you will find reasonable:
1) We are willing to loan you money at a very low, introductory rate of 8.9%. If you are even one nanosecond late on your payment, your rate will go from 8.9% to 32.9% instantly. You will have no right to appeal this. The interest rate increase will be retroactive. None of this "but I mailed it out Friday" nonsense. We must get it, and the check must clear, for your payment to count. A reminder: transactions that occur after 2pm are not credited until the next business day, so be sure to make your payments before then.
2) If you are late on any of your other payments to your other creditors, your rate will also be spiked to 32.9%. I know it has nothing to do with us, but if you are late paying someone else, then OBVIOUSLY you are a bigger credit risk to us.
3) We will send you onerous terms and conditions 148,000,000 pages long in 6 point font. Of course, those terms can change on a whim, at any time, so we'll be sending you hourly updates to the contract, which we expect you to read and keep up with. Sorry, we will be the only ones that can amend the contract; you cannot.
4) You will have a predetermined credit line, and if you go over it by even $1, your interest rate will spike to 54.9%. Sorry, it's in the contract on page 109,209,392.
5) The bankruptcy laws have now changed. If you get into a bind, I'm afraid you won't find much sympathy; no more silly excuses will be accepted. We are going to have the titles to all of your buildings and physical assets put in our name, so when the inevitable time comes and you trip up, we'll simply take everything from you. There will be no court hearing.
6) We'll be conducting a background check, driving records check, drug test, and disease risk check of all of the top executives of your firm. After all, you're a riskier loan if you have any of those afflictions, aren't you? Well, if we find ANYTHING wrong, your interest rate will skyrocket, instantly, and without notice.
7) If your business is located in a "bad neighborhood", or a "poor city", or a "hurricane zone", or "flood plane", or "terrorist targeted city", as defined by us, we can raise your interest rates at any time, to any rate we choose.
For the last quarter century or so, you've imposed these terms, or some variation of them on us, when loaning us money or insuring us... arguing every single time that it's "necessary" and that these sorts of changes "will result in more profitable companies that will pass the savings along to consumers". Well, now that we're in the role of lender, and you're in the role of borrower, we're sure that you'll find these same terms fair.
Wall Street, prove the cynics wrong and accept our new plan. Prove to everyone that you're not the hypocrites that everyone thinks you are.
Best regards,
THE TAXPAYERS, DEBTORS, AND INSURED PEOPLES OF THE USA
Offer not valid in all 50 states. Terms, conditions, and interest rates subject to change at any time without notice. Borrower subject to intrusive credit, background, education, and criminal checks before issuance of loan. Upon any dispute, arbitration will be decided by someone tilted to rule in favor of taxpayers, and not by any indepedant or otherwise objective authority.
To which I'll add the following addenda:
A: 8.9% introductory rate applies only to those with a perfect score from a third party whose scoring system is secret. You may pay the third party for your current score, but looking at your score may cause your score to fall. A higher introductory rate is available for those with lower scores. Note that this interest is to be compounded daily, making the annual rate considerably higher.
B: As we can't risk you falling behind on your taxes, you will pay us your taxes as part of your monthly payments, and we will hold them until they are actually due.
C: Speaking of risk, as your current assets aren't worth much more than you're borrowing, you will be required to insure us against you failing to make your payments. That cost will be included in your payments. If in the future you feel that this has changed, you have the right to pay someone to make an official guess, then pay us change the agreement. Also, you will have to pay to insure us against the possibility that some other creditor might have rights to your earnings that neither you nor we know about. That insurance is a one-time fee.
D: We'd like to directly withdraw those monthly payments from your bank account. There's no real advantage in that for you, we'd just like it. If you say 'no' now, we'll be mailing you that request twice a month for the length of your loan. We will also be mailing you many other exciting offers. Please do not confuse the exciting offers with your monthly bill. We reserve the right to share your loan information with any third party who is willing to pay us for it.
E: We will determine the level of health insurance your executives require. This assessment will be revisited each year. If you fail to purchase enough health insurance, we will purchase insurance to cover our risk at your expense. Each time this minimum level changes, we will send you a reminder letter without the new amount, you must then call us to find out what the new minimum is.