I imagine you're as sick of hearing about this as I am of thinking about it...
...but here it is anyway.
I really, really hate drugs. And I really hate hurting this bad over Sara (not you Sara, my Sara... As incorrect as it may be to call her that at this point.)
Crystal Meth works in, attacks, and destroys the pleasure centers of the brain. One report I got hold of said that every single use of the drug caused destruction... So, literally, it is impossible for the user, after even one use, to ever again feel the same degree of happiness it was possible for her to feel before that use.
While this effect might not be really noticable after short term use, it's cumulative and eventually catastrophic. The user gradually and eventually becomes lethargic, apathetic, depressed, and single-minded... With the desire for anything but the drug eventually driven from the mind.
There was a time when she loved me as much as I loved her... I believe this. A time when I meant everything to her. A time when my love made her so happy...
Eventually, this kind of withered away. Not to the point where she stopped loving me, but certainly to the point where she was unable to draw the joy from it to make it the most important thing in her life. She became more and more depressed... More and more apathetic... More and more unhappy. Several times she felt a need to "take a break"... To find some part of herself that she felt was lost somehow. I never really knew why until it was too late. I suspected, but she told me she wasn't using, and I always found the faith to believe her.
Now she's gone. She left me so she could wrestle with her drug problem, and shortly thereafter she found someone else. This may be wholly my own bias, I know... but I don't feel this other person is nearly even half of what I am. The more I find out about her, the more I think "How could you possibly rather be with her than with me??"
Still, I might have been able to find my way around it... But my realizations about the nature of this drug have led me to believe that even my smallest consolation is hopeless... I think I could somehow be OK with it, if I was just able to tell myself that she'd be happier with this other person. I could convince myself that loving her means wanting what's best for her, no matter how much it hurts me. But she's not happier. She can't ever be happier, no matter who she's with.
Somehow, that just leaves me completely out in the cold. I know a good deal of it is feeling sorry for myself at having lost her, but I also mourn her every day. I feel lost so much of the time. It's not getting better. I'm falling apart, both in school and work. I don't know how to fix this, and it's tearing me to pieces.
I really, really hate drugs. And I really hate hurting this bad over Sara (not you Sara, my Sara... As incorrect as it may be to call her that at this point.)
Crystal Meth works in, attacks, and destroys the pleasure centers of the brain. One report I got hold of said that every single use of the drug caused destruction... So, literally, it is impossible for the user, after even one use, to ever again feel the same degree of happiness it was possible for her to feel before that use.
While this effect might not be really noticable after short term use, it's cumulative and eventually catastrophic. The user gradually and eventually becomes lethargic, apathetic, depressed, and single-minded... With the desire for anything but the drug eventually driven from the mind.
There was a time when she loved me as much as I loved her... I believe this. A time when I meant everything to her. A time when my love made her so happy...
Eventually, this kind of withered away. Not to the point where she stopped loving me, but certainly to the point where she was unable to draw the joy from it to make it the most important thing in her life. She became more and more depressed... More and more apathetic... More and more unhappy. Several times she felt a need to "take a break"... To find some part of herself that she felt was lost somehow. I never really knew why until it was too late. I suspected, but she told me she wasn't using, and I always found the faith to believe her.
Now she's gone. She left me so she could wrestle with her drug problem, and shortly thereafter she found someone else. This may be wholly my own bias, I know... but I don't feel this other person is nearly even half of what I am. The more I find out about her, the more I think "How could you possibly rather be with her than with me??"
Still, I might have been able to find my way around it... But my realizations about the nature of this drug have led me to believe that even my smallest consolation is hopeless... I think I could somehow be OK with it, if I was just able to tell myself that she'd be happier with this other person. I could convince myself that loving her means wanting what's best for her, no matter how much it hurts me. But she's not happier. She can't ever be happier, no matter who she's with.
Somehow, that just leaves me completely out in the cold. I know a good deal of it is feeling sorry for myself at having lost her, but I also mourn her every day. I feel lost so much of the time. It's not getting better. I'm falling apart, both in school and work. I don't know how to fix this, and it's tearing me to pieces.