was cruising an old CaptainAwkward column and found this comment
'I can really relate to the “permission” thing. When I am depressed, I desperately want to please everyone, because I feel like such a burden and a downer and a waste of space in general. The last thing I want to do is “be a problem” by worrying people, and the more I would try to please them by being normal and happy, the more frustrated they would become (of course). Then, I would internally freak out because here I was, trying not to be a Drama Queen and they were “getting mad at me for Being An Issue” anyway. It relates to this whole theme of “self-loathing becoming a vicious circle and self-fulfilling prophecy” thing really well.' http://captainawkward.com/2012/05/08/241-am-i-my-extremely-difficult-sisters-keeper/ OMGyes this is how I've been feeling w/regard to all the shit I've been living in lately, plus add shame over it's-all-my-fault-ANYWAY.