More ficlets!
I'm determined to eventually get all these done. Today, we have a Discworld/Doctor Who (or, as I like to say, DW/DW) fic for bktheirregular: Ponder Stibbons, someone (perhaps The Doctor) is obviously an idiot because you can't do scientific calculations worth a figgin without factoring in magic? I have to say, it mutated a bit in the telling.
The TARDIS groaned and whooshed and appeared in Unseen University's dining hall. It was not an unexpected visit, and Archchancellor Ridcully and a number of his senior staff and faculty were present, including the Senior Wrangler, the Lecturer in Recent Runes, Dr. Hix, the Professor of Vindictive Astronomy, Rincewind, and, of course, Ponder Stibbons.
"I wonder what he'll look like this time," said the Archchancellor. "I do hope he has a beard. He seems to have disdained them in his former bodies, and I think it sets a bad precedent. Beards should be respected everywhere in the universe, in my humble opinion. Did I hear someone snort back there?" He whirled on his fellow wizards, one of whom, it has to be said, did indeed snort at the mention of the word "humble".
"I'm sure you didn't," said Ponder Stibbons, who was lying through his beardless face.
The door opened, and, to Ridcully's disgust, a beardless face with a shock of unruly brown hair appeared. "Archchancellor! It's a pleasure to see you again! Come on, Donna, we're off to meet the wizards!"
"Really?" came a female voice. "I would never have guessed, considering you've used that joke three times already." Donna stepped out of the TARDIS, all ginger hair and magnificent bosom.
"Donna, meet the wizards of Unseen University," said the Doctor. "Gentlemen, this is my good friend Donna Noble."
"Mwaaa," commented the Senior Wrangler.
"And now, let's talk about those thaumic dampeners," said the Doctor.
***
The Luggage wandered the halls, feeling listless. Rincewind had largely settled down into life at the University, having been granted a well-earned break from the Lady's machinations. This left the Luggage at something of loose ends. Oh, it was fun to occasionally terrorize the staff, but he wasn't allowed to eat them, and--
He stopped. There, in the dining hall, was a blue box, sapient and dimensionally transcendent. She was . . . utterly magnificent.
He pattered up to her. She remained aloof. He did a little jig on his hundreds of feet. It caught her attention, at least, and he was emboldened to run to her side and rub up against her exterior briefly. Then he stood back, opened his lid and displayed his interior dimensions to her.
Quietly, her doors opened, and he rushed in.
***
". . . don't see how your scientific equations can be worth a figgin if you don't factor in magic," Ponder Stibbons was saying many hours later, as the wizards and their guests re-entered the dining hall. "Surely you can't be counting on your thaumic dampers to neutralize the influence of Narratavium in the universe."
"My dear Mr. Stibbons, as I have explained to you, the thaum clusters in pocket dimensions such as yours, but in the universe at large, the influence is spread so thinly that my thaumic dampers do, in fact, completely cancel it out. Not that my TARDIS is without Narratavium at the core, and it makes life . . ."
"Interesting in the old Chinese-curse sense?" suggested Donna.
"Well--"
Whatever the Doctor was about to say died unborn as they approached the TARDIS, only for its doors to open and the Luggage--looking somehow smug--hopped out.
"What have you been up to?" Rincewind demanded. The Luggage roundly ignored him and positively trotted away.
The Doctor blinked at his TARDIS, then at the retreating Luggage. "I'm not sure I want to know," he muttered.
***
Whatever went on between the TARDIS and the Luggage would remain unknown. However, it is certain that, sometime after the visit to the Disc, the TARDIS landed briefly on Earth in the early part of the 20th century. Perhaps coincidentally, it was sometime after this visit that rumors of a wardrobe that was bigger on the inside reached the ears of a young man named Clive Staples Lewis, who very sensibly went by Jack, and inspired him to write a story.
The TARDIS groaned and whooshed and appeared in Unseen University's dining hall. It was not an unexpected visit, and Archchancellor Ridcully and a number of his senior staff and faculty were present, including the Senior Wrangler, the Lecturer in Recent Runes, Dr. Hix, the Professor of Vindictive Astronomy, Rincewind, and, of course, Ponder Stibbons.
"I wonder what he'll look like this time," said the Archchancellor. "I do hope he has a beard. He seems to have disdained them in his former bodies, and I think it sets a bad precedent. Beards should be respected everywhere in the universe, in my humble opinion. Did I hear someone snort back there?" He whirled on his fellow wizards, one of whom, it has to be said, did indeed snort at the mention of the word "humble".
"I'm sure you didn't," said Ponder Stibbons, who was lying through his beardless face.
The door opened, and, to Ridcully's disgust, a beardless face with a shock of unruly brown hair appeared. "Archchancellor! It's a pleasure to see you again! Come on, Donna, we're off to meet the wizards!"
"Really?" came a female voice. "I would never have guessed, considering you've used that joke three times already." Donna stepped out of the TARDIS, all ginger hair and magnificent bosom.
"Donna, meet the wizards of Unseen University," said the Doctor. "Gentlemen, this is my good friend Donna Noble."
"Mwaaa," commented the Senior Wrangler.
"And now, let's talk about those thaumic dampeners," said the Doctor.
***
The Luggage wandered the halls, feeling listless. Rincewind had largely settled down into life at the University, having been granted a well-earned break from the Lady's machinations. This left the Luggage at something of loose ends. Oh, it was fun to occasionally terrorize the staff, but he wasn't allowed to eat them, and--
He stopped. There, in the dining hall, was a blue box, sapient and dimensionally transcendent. She was . . . utterly magnificent.
He pattered up to her. She remained aloof. He did a little jig on his hundreds of feet. It caught her attention, at least, and he was emboldened to run to her side and rub up against her exterior briefly. Then he stood back, opened his lid and displayed his interior dimensions to her.
Quietly, her doors opened, and he rushed in.
***
". . . don't see how your scientific equations can be worth a figgin if you don't factor in magic," Ponder Stibbons was saying many hours later, as the wizards and their guests re-entered the dining hall. "Surely you can't be counting on your thaumic dampers to neutralize the influence of Narratavium in the universe."
"My dear Mr. Stibbons, as I have explained to you, the thaum clusters in pocket dimensions such as yours, but in the universe at large, the influence is spread so thinly that my thaumic dampers do, in fact, completely cancel it out. Not that my TARDIS is without Narratavium at the core, and it makes life . . ."
"Interesting in the old Chinese-curse sense?" suggested Donna.
"Well--"
Whatever the Doctor was about to say died unborn as they approached the TARDIS, only for its doors to open and the Luggage--looking somehow smug--hopped out.
"What have you been up to?" Rincewind demanded. The Luggage roundly ignored him and positively trotted away.
The Doctor blinked at his TARDIS, then at the retreating Luggage. "I'm not sure I want to know," he muttered.
***
Whatever went on between the TARDIS and the Luggage would remain unknown. However, it is certain that, sometime after the visit to the Disc, the TARDIS landed briefly on Earth in the early part of the 20th century. Perhaps coincidentally, it was sometime after this visit that rumors of a wardrobe that was bigger on the inside reached the ears of a young man named Clive Staples Lewis, who very sensibly went by Jack, and inspired him to write a story.