Romantic Security.
Once upon a time I was just like you, I did everything I said I'd do. I was dependable and faithful, I tried to be my best. I told the truth, was straight with the law, kind of tried in school and stayed below the radar oh so well. I was generically acceptable, I was everything they wanted me to be.
Now it's so different, and I don't know if it's worth fixing anyway. It feels like I'm a constant disappointment to my parents. And that makes me so sad, because they used to be so happy with the daughter that they'd had.
I wish I could say I changed myself, but I didn't. I know I've been changed by the influences in my life, by the fucked up relationships and hurtful sadistic friendships. I know I'm not honest with myself anymore. I know I've grown weak. I used to be such a strong person, I went through so much, and I managed to stay above water. I feel like I've been broken down, I feel so weak now.
I used to laugh at my mother, tell her she was weak for having her one greatest fear to be of dying alone. Now, I have the exact same fear. I'm so scared that I'll never be worth loving, that I'll never find anyone. It used to be that I believed I would turn into my mother, now I am. And that's the scariest thought of all. I don't want to end up like her, I really don't. But I'm afraid I will. I'm afraid I'll be 40 years old and alone, all alone. With no prospects and no hopes of ever finding anyone. And that's pathetic, that that's my biggest fear. I just don't know anymore.
I want romantic security. What an oxymoron.
Now it's so different, and I don't know if it's worth fixing anyway. It feels like I'm a constant disappointment to my parents. And that makes me so sad, because they used to be so happy with the daughter that they'd had.
I wish I could say I changed myself, but I didn't. I know I've been changed by the influences in my life, by the fucked up relationships and hurtful sadistic friendships. I know I'm not honest with myself anymore. I know I've grown weak. I used to be such a strong person, I went through so much, and I managed to stay above water. I feel like I've been broken down, I feel so weak now.
I used to laugh at my mother, tell her she was weak for having her one greatest fear to be of dying alone. Now, I have the exact same fear. I'm so scared that I'll never be worth loving, that I'll never find anyone. It used to be that I believed I would turn into my mother, now I am. And that's the scariest thought of all. I don't want to end up like her, I really don't. But I'm afraid I will. I'm afraid I'll be 40 years old and alone, all alone. With no prospects and no hopes of ever finding anyone. And that's pathetic, that that's my biggest fear. I just don't know anymore.
I want romantic security. What an oxymoron.