(no subject)
So much new stuff to write, since I haven't really updated aside from writing that entry from the last time I was on acid, which was just me copying it from a piece of paper I found.
I got the job at Jewel, and I have orientation today. It's going to suck always being busy with work and not having time to hang out with my friends, but at the same time I know I need the cash and I need to get a fucken job so I learn some responsibility. Eventually my work schedule should lighten up, I'll be ok.
Brad and I are kind of back together. Like, it's not official or anything, but I don't think I want it to be. We've already tried at least 3x to be together and I always ruin it and mess it up. Maybe I'm just not ready for something as major as Brad. Or maybe he's not what I want. I don't know.
I've made some pretty bad choices in the past couple of days, but it doesn't seem to really ultimately matter to me. It's just that...I've come to realize that the only way to be happy around these people is to throw all morality to the winds and just accept the fact that they're bad people...and if you can't beat 'em, join 'em...right?
I'd thought that I was over being a bad person and pulling the kind of shit that I've pulled lately, but I suppose I'm wrong. Maybe being a bad person isn't something you outgrow.
Rodrigo thinks it's so simple. "I think we will be bad people for a while and then we'll just outgrow it and whatever"...no. It doesn't happen like that, not at all. Evil is something you have to excise [see remove forcefully] from yourself, not something that just leaves after a while. The more things you do that are bad and wrong, the more you're likely to do them again, instead of the other way around.
So if I can see that he's wrong, and I can see that what I'm doing is wrong, why do I keep doing it? Maybe because I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE. I'm ok with being a bad person, and I'm ok with being second best.
I always have been, why not just accept it?
I also haven't gotten more than 3-4hrs of sleep in the past 6 days and I haven't eaten since Monday. But whatever.
--Anna--
I got the job at Jewel, and I have orientation today. It's going to suck always being busy with work and not having time to hang out with my friends, but at the same time I know I need the cash and I need to get a fucken job so I learn some responsibility. Eventually my work schedule should lighten up, I'll be ok.
Brad and I are kind of back together. Like, it's not official or anything, but I don't think I want it to be. We've already tried at least 3x to be together and I always ruin it and mess it up. Maybe I'm just not ready for something as major as Brad. Or maybe he's not what I want. I don't know.
I've made some pretty bad choices in the past couple of days, but it doesn't seem to really ultimately matter to me. It's just that...I've come to realize that the only way to be happy around these people is to throw all morality to the winds and just accept the fact that they're bad people...and if you can't beat 'em, join 'em...right?
I'd thought that I was over being a bad person and pulling the kind of shit that I've pulled lately, but I suppose I'm wrong. Maybe being a bad person isn't something you outgrow.
Rodrigo thinks it's so simple. "I think we will be bad people for a while and then we'll just outgrow it and whatever"...no. It doesn't happen like that, not at all. Evil is something you have to excise [see remove forcefully] from yourself, not something that just leaves after a while. The more things you do that are bad and wrong, the more you're likely to do them again, instead of the other way around.
So if I can see that he's wrong, and I can see that what I'm doing is wrong, why do I keep doing it? Maybe because I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE. I'm ok with being a bad person, and I'm ok with being second best.
I always have been, why not just accept it?
I also haven't gotten more than 3-4hrs of sleep in the past 6 days and I haven't eaten since Monday. But whatever.
--Anna--