SHIT
I know its been awhile. It seems it always is...I have time to read and maybe reply and then everything goes to hell. I'm sooo tired of it. I am sooooo ready for this semester to be over. I'm tired of feeling like everything is out of control. My classes are getting to where they suck. I feel like I'll never get the hang of Latin. I'm sooo frustrated.
Academically this semester hasn't been extremely bad, with the exception of Latin. However, socially this semester is crap. It seems like ALL of my friends have changed. I'm so tired of all the shit. One minute there great and they love me and the next they can't stand me. It seems like I can't be good enough. I'm so tired of trying to be great for everyone. I've driven myself fucking crazy and I'm tired of it. I always thought that I was a good friend but apparently, I'm not. Shit, all my friends from back in Louisville, it seems like I don't exist to them anymore and my friends from Mississippi...hell I don't even know what the hell is up with them... It seems like I've lost them all. Then comes my friends from here at school. I don't even know where to begin on that subject. I just get so tired of being there but only if its convienent for that person. I just wanted true friends and I know that I have a few but even they seem to toss me aside at some points. It sucks feeling like I have no control. So many times over the last couple of weeks, that I've contemplated 'revisiting' my form of control but I know that it isn't worth it. I just feel like I need control and its really the only thing that I feel I can sometimes. It's fucked up to know that I'm so far away from it and yet it still lingers. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...........FUCK..........I HATE IT.....................
On another note...I'm so tired of people questioning my ability to make decisions. Sometimes at work, my student workers do this and it is soooo annoying. My boss would not have given me the position if she didn't have faith in me and I wish they would just accept the fact that I am a place of authority. The most recent and annoying thing like this is when my mom came up on the 21st. Not 10 minutes after she got here, the only thing she and Daniel did was question my ability to make the decision of who to marry. All they wanted to talk about was if I was sure, I wanted to make this decision and how they only saw me with my ex-boyfriend Ryan. I think its bullshit. I wouldn't have agreed to marry Jonathan, if I didn't KNOW that this is what I want. It pissed me off so much. It was like...I don't know how to put it in words. And to bug me even more, when Jonathan got in the car or was around, then everything changed. They started talking about how much they like Jon and how they're looking forward to the wedding and all that. I was so disgusted and pissed off, I wanted scream and strat throwing punches. I'm just sooooo sick of everyone questioning me. I mean I know that sometimes its good for someone to look our for you but that was just crossing the line. This is the decision that I have to live with for the rest of MY life and they felt the need to try and influence it with what they wanted.
Ok...I think I'm done with that. On a happier note, my wedding is approaching quickly. Its like 75 days or so. I can't believe it. I'm sooooooooo excited. We still have a lot to do but I'll be so happy to see that day and know that all the stress is worth it. I'm so much in love with Jonathan that I don't think anything could tear me away from him. He is so awesome. I love him with all of my heart and cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm so excited about starting my life with him.
Well, I'm gonna go for now...I'm gonna go watch a ball game before I play intramurals. Talk to ya later...maybe....
Academically this semester hasn't been extremely bad, with the exception of Latin. However, socially this semester is crap. It seems like ALL of my friends have changed. I'm so tired of all the shit. One minute there great and they love me and the next they can't stand me. It seems like I can't be good enough. I'm so tired of trying to be great for everyone. I've driven myself fucking crazy and I'm tired of it. I always thought that I was a good friend but apparently, I'm not. Shit, all my friends from back in Louisville, it seems like I don't exist to them anymore and my friends from Mississippi...hell I don't even know what the hell is up with them... It seems like I've lost them all. Then comes my friends from here at school. I don't even know where to begin on that subject. I just get so tired of being there but only if its convienent for that person. I just wanted true friends and I know that I have a few but even they seem to toss me aside at some points. It sucks feeling like I have no control. So many times over the last couple of weeks, that I've contemplated 'revisiting' my form of control but I know that it isn't worth it. I just feel like I need control and its really the only thing that I feel I can sometimes. It's fucked up to know that I'm so far away from it and yet it still lingers. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...........FUCK..........I HATE IT.....................
On another note...I'm so tired of people questioning my ability to make decisions. Sometimes at work, my student workers do this and it is soooo annoying. My boss would not have given me the position if she didn't have faith in me and I wish they would just accept the fact that I am a place of authority. The most recent and annoying thing like this is when my mom came up on the 21st. Not 10 minutes after she got here, the only thing she and Daniel did was question my ability to make the decision of who to marry. All they wanted to talk about was if I was sure, I wanted to make this decision and how they only saw me with my ex-boyfriend Ryan. I think its bullshit. I wouldn't have agreed to marry Jonathan, if I didn't KNOW that this is what I want. It pissed me off so much. It was like...I don't know how to put it in words. And to bug me even more, when Jonathan got in the car or was around, then everything changed. They started talking about how much they like Jon and how they're looking forward to the wedding and all that. I was so disgusted and pissed off, I wanted scream and strat throwing punches. I'm just sooooo sick of everyone questioning me. I mean I know that sometimes its good for someone to look our for you but that was just crossing the line. This is the decision that I have to live with for the rest of MY life and they felt the need to try and influence it with what they wanted.
Ok...I think I'm done with that. On a happier note, my wedding is approaching quickly. Its like 75 days or so. I can't believe it. I'm sooooooooo excited. We still have a lot to do but I'll be so happy to see that day and know that all the stress is worth it. I'm so much in love with Jonathan that I don't think anything could tear me away from him. He is so awesome. I love him with all of my heart and cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm so excited about starting my life with him.
Well, I'm gonna go for now...I'm gonna go watch a ball game before I play intramurals. Talk to ya later...maybe....