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Today was amazing at church. Okay, hear me out. I'm not one of the Bible thumpers who are holier than thou. If you read my journal, you can see that I curse, but I also know God. Say what you want, I like to keep my religion real and I dont' like to shove it down people's throats.
However, at church, we were singing the song "He touched me" and I really got the meaning to the song. See, my daughter was adopted out of my life when I was 15 and she was three days old. I never wanted it to happen, my family and the state had a lot to do with it. Well, everything to do with it.
I never got over it, because it is never something that you can ever "get over". Don't tell me how selfless an act it was or patronize me because "you are so good to do that for your baby." I get it. I never wanted to leave her in the first place and my mother and the caseworker were the main culprits. Let me tell you, if your own mother tells you that you can either be on the streets with a baby or go home, and the caseworker backs it up plus adds that you will have to pay the bill AND won't get any kind of help, what are you gonna do?
Anyhow, when she turned 18, I started the search for her. One night, in church, March 1, 2005, I was supposed to be listening to a Beth Moore thing on anger and healing old hurts. I about walked out of church that night because really, I didn't even know if I even believed in a God that couldn't answer a mother's prayer.
I prayed and prayed to just have an answer, is she alive? Is she loved? Does she know how much I love her? Those kind of questions. I know that 18 years had passed and if she was a streetwalker with seven kids, I'd tell everyone that she is the best streetwalker there is. It didn't matter. I love her just like I love my son and it is something that never diminished with me. If she hated me, I'd still look her in the eye and tell her that I love her.
Anyhow, I was internally yelling at God. I was angry, and if I could have been screaming at God, I would have. Here is kind of how it went' "Here I am sitting here in this church and sitting in these bullshit classes on how to deal with old hurts when ALL I NEED is to hear from her. I don't even believe that you exist anymore and if you want me to believe that you do, you need to PROVE it to me. I'm tired of not knowing about her, I love her and I JUST NEED TO KNOW." I then said that if he answered that prayer for me finally, I would NEVER EVER doubt his existence.
Well, the next day, the VERY next day, I log onto the internet and there it is. An email from her. When I clicked on the email, I took a deep breath and thought for a minute. When I clicked on that , my life was going to change forever. This would be no "I'm doing fine" and then we part ways. I would be as much a part of her life as she wished. I wasn't going to take any places, but be there for her.
And I also knew that someone could tell me that they were going to shoot me, and all I had to do to keep it from happening was to renounce my faith in God. I'd rather die.
I believe in Jesus. I was raised Christian. I don't care about a lot of modern things that people worry about. I just believe that there are more things to worry about. I'm not one to stand on the street corners and tell them that they are going to hell. I'm not one that looks down on people and tells them that they are wrong.
I am one to emotionally support those in need, especially mothers who have been through what I have. I have taken up to a young 18 year old mother of 2 at work. She works her ass off day after day, but I wonder how many "Christians" see the unmarried mother in her instead of the mother doing what she can do to support her kids?
But when we were singing that song, it reminded me of how much my life has changed in those short almost three years. I came to the conclusion that I was living a life of a shell, and "something happened that changed my life" and it was finding her.
Sure, I got divorced, but look at what I have gained. My son KNOWS AND LOVES HIS SISTER. I KNOW HER, DAMMIT, I KNOW HER AND I LOVE HER.
And it made me realize that I wasn't really in a marriage, I was in just something out of convenience, something that I had been wanting to end so many times but never got the courage.
I prayed then for Him to send someone who I could trust, male or female, to help me through the divorce. He was my friend, and for some reason, from day one of my work there, we clicked. I felt that I could tell him anything and he would leave it at that. I don't really value what a lot of people tell me, I tend to do my own thing or go with my gut. But this guy, I really cared what he thought.
In fact, one time at Kroger, I saw him and I smashed my cart into his. I was still with my ex at that time, and when he left, my ex took a look at me and said "he isn't your type." I told him I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. Evidentally, he saw something between us that even we didn't see. A guy at work said he knew that there was something there even when we didn't when one day I laughed different around him.
Which is why my ex went ballistic when he "met" him again, only this time, I introduced my EX husband to my boyfriend. Of course, he knew then that it was really over, and his failed attempts at waiting for me to call wasn't going to work. We were done.
I married him on Jan 12, 2008. I have found love beyond words can describe, love that has no boundaries, love that is so deep that sometimes after we make love, I cry. I cry because I am so happy to have someone like him in my life.
Thank You, Jesus, for answering my prayers, and yes indeed, You touched me.
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