exams, self, past, effort
my head is saying, "fool, forget him..."
my heart is saying, "don't let go!"
so the tests and trials that determine my entire future start tomorrow.
it's what i worked for for six years.
it's all boiled down to this.
and i don't feel ready.
not at all.
will you miss me when i'm gone?
so i'm hearing a lot of people saying that they don't think they can be themselves.
well i'm the opposite.
i feel like i'm finally able to be myself at school now.
the last half of senior year has been such a bonding experience.
i've finally come to love ib.
the camaraderie really is there.
i feel like i can walk up to anybody out of the 87 of us and start a conversation.
i like that.
i wish the past four years had been like that.
now i'm feeling like i don't have to please everyone.
i can just be.
and i do agree with you.
he shouldn't be being a jack ass.
i love my life, and i'd never trade
between what you and me had and the life i've made.
this here is real, but you were too...
and every once and a while i think about you.
i came to a very startling realization last night.
i hate dreams.
i really really do.
i hate it when all of a sudden ex's think that it's okay to open up communication.
it's not.
but what i realized is that i regret it.
i don't regret the relationship, but i regret my role in it.
i totally half assed it, and i realize that now.
the spark of all of our fights... all of that screaming..
was him literally begging me to put effort into it.
i claimed that i was and that everything was fine... but looking back now...
it's not that i didn't want to, but i told myself that i wasn't that kind of girl.
i wasn't a girlfriendy girlfriend.
i was an independent girlfriend.
we could have had the best relationship, had i just tried.
but it's over now, for good, and it's for the best.
i don't want to go back.
we can't go back, but i do wish i could change the past.
or at least apologize for it all.
maybe i will before we both pack up and go our separate ways forever.
who knows.
the cold swedish winter is right outside
and i just want somebody to hold me through the night.
i realized all of that today because i'm in his shoes.
begging someone who thinks that nothing is wrong to try and put forth effort.
and now i'm starting to wonder if it's worth the effort.
i just don't know anymore.
i want the kind of relationship that ^he^ used to want to have.
the kind where you see each other every single day
and it's because you want to.
so now instead of focusing on studying
i'll go curl up with a cat and a blanket
and watch the one movie that always makes me feel better.
good thing that tomorrow is unseen commentary and there's no way i can prepare.
[i am] a runner, and [you are] your father's son...
my heart is saying, "don't let go!"
so the tests and trials that determine my entire future start tomorrow.
it's what i worked for for six years.
it's all boiled down to this.
and i don't feel ready.
not at all.
will you miss me when i'm gone?
so i'm hearing a lot of people saying that they don't think they can be themselves.
well i'm the opposite.
i feel like i'm finally able to be myself at school now.
the last half of senior year has been such a bonding experience.
i've finally come to love ib.
the camaraderie really is there.
i feel like i can walk up to anybody out of the 87 of us and start a conversation.
i like that.
i wish the past four years had been like that.
now i'm feeling like i don't have to please everyone.
i can just be.
and i do agree with you.
he shouldn't be being a jack ass.
i love my life, and i'd never trade
between what you and me had and the life i've made.
this here is real, but you were too...
and every once and a while i think about you.
i came to a very startling realization last night.
i hate dreams.
i really really do.
i hate it when all of a sudden ex's think that it's okay to open up communication.
it's not.
but what i realized is that i regret it.
i don't regret the relationship, but i regret my role in it.
i totally half assed it, and i realize that now.
the spark of all of our fights... all of that screaming..
was him literally begging me to put effort into it.
i claimed that i was and that everything was fine... but looking back now...
it's not that i didn't want to, but i told myself that i wasn't that kind of girl.
i wasn't a girlfriendy girlfriend.
i was an independent girlfriend.
we could have had the best relationship, had i just tried.
but it's over now, for good, and it's for the best.
i don't want to go back.
we can't go back, but i do wish i could change the past.
or at least apologize for it all.
maybe i will before we both pack up and go our separate ways forever.
who knows.
the cold swedish winter is right outside
and i just want somebody to hold me through the night.
i realized all of that today because i'm in his shoes.
begging someone who thinks that nothing is wrong to try and put forth effort.
and now i'm starting to wonder if it's worth the effort.
i just don't know anymore.
i want the kind of relationship that ^he^ used to want to have.
the kind where you see each other every single day
and it's because you want to.
so now instead of focusing on studying
i'll go curl up with a cat and a blanket
and watch the one movie that always makes me feel better.
good thing that tomorrow is unseen commentary and there's no way i can prepare.
[i am] a runner, and [you are] your father's son...